I gotta say Thanks to you all

[Aymerlu 3]

Dee,

I'm wishing you the best whatever you decide. You have been very strong and way more patient than what I would've been. Their are no excuses for his behavior.....even if he is in an adjustment period....it's all wrong. You're a great mother for thinking of your children first. They will remember a lot of what has been going on years down the road. Stay strong! You have a lot of support here.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

YOU KNOW BEST

[Teacher 0]

I wish you well. I am concerned about the abuse you say you are experiencing. I know that adjusting to another country is hard but couples are usually still in the honeymoon period this early on. If he's treating you badly now then this may be an indication of how he handles stress, etc. and will probably only get worse. Life is full of stress and you will need a partner that supports you and your children.

I had a good friend who loved a man deeply for years. It was long distance. Once she got to know him she was shocked to find that she had been taking what she knew about him and filling in the blanks. He was not the person she thought he was at all. The person she had loved didn't really exist.

I hope things work out for you and your children. You're right. Your home should be a santuary.

Best Wishes

I have to say thanks to all of you MENA/ VJ'er.. I got a huge amount of PM's showing me support.. Thank you SOO MUCH for the support.. and the offer of a "shoulder"

I actually was surprised at the amount of people who say they are dealing with the same thing

I never really thought this would be life life once he got here

Nothing has gotten better.. maybe i guess worse. I'm on the verge of loosing my job.. I couldnt even go in today.. and I am calling out tomorrow too..

I finally cornered him to speak to a religious leader (imam).. and my out look towards our future in Not a good one... but God knows.. I DO love him... but I will NOT tolerate living how I have had to live these past 3 weeks

I got a few comments that I should be grateful that atleast my man is here... And believe me.. I was Very thankful things went as quickly as they did... BUT abusive behavior.. mental, emotional and physical will NOT be tolerated.. even if this is supposed to be an "adjusting period" of our life together/ getting used to living in america... ESPECIALLY infront of my VERY impressionable 5 and 6 year old boys....... my home is NOT supposed to be a war ground.. but my santuary.

for all of those who confided in me about what they are dealing with now... or what they feel might happen in the future..

Please think with your head and not your heart.. IF he is NOT even hear yet and MY story makes me nervous that this is your future... think LONG and hard BEFORE he comes into the country.. ESPECIALLY if you have kids...

anyways...

thanks everybody

[deadbird 2]

Dee, like everyone else said, you are smart to see the signs and know that you have to do what you must for your children. I won't tell you what to do but I've definitely semi-lived with my abusive ex, so while that guy and I didn't go through the immigration process, I can relate to the verbal abuse. (It did escalate to physical more than once but if he hit me I definitely hit him back, so maybe I'm not much better...)

I broke it off with him, took him back, saw he was still a jerk, and gave him the boot for good.

I won't defend your husband's actions, but if you kick him out and he wants a second chance, well....that's up to you. You're in my thoughts!

[ya falaha! 0]

I wish you and your boys all the best, Dee. I know you will do what is right for you and your family.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Much love to you and your kids

[chri'stina 190]

Sorry things have been so bad.

I think adjusting to a new country would be very hard, but it seems to bring out(or force out) the real person within. And if the person is someone very different than you thought, that would be stressful. Adjusting is no excuse for this kind of behavior if it involves abuse in any way.

[amal 4]

Dee, I think you were very smart to take the steps you have taken thus far. It is so hard to finally take action when it is something of this nature. We all support you in your decision whatever it may be. Many many kudos to you too for thinking of ur kids first and foremost. So many people forget about them in times like this. Much luck to you girl.

amal

[Nasturtium 500]

Dee-- I hope things get better after you make your final decisions. We all know you've really thought about this and tried hard. You did not fail and don't think you did.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your children. Adjustment or not, there is NO excuse for physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. It appears that you are a strong and courageous woman and I wish you the best during this difficult time.....

[maggieNomar 0]

Dee,

I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved, but happy to hear that you are moving forward, continuing to seek out a solution. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!

(((hugs)))

Tanya

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

[Caladan 19]

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!

(((hugs)))

Tanya

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

Even if it were culture shock... this is the United States of America. We don't legally abuse our spouses here nor tolerate making excuses for it.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!

(((hugs)))

Tanya

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

Even if it were culture shock... this is the United States of America. We don't legally abuse our spouses here nor tolerate making excuses for it.

Exactly.

[The_dip_sticks 0]

I know you are faced with some difficult times but I truely hope that what ever decidion you make is the best one for you and your kids.