I gotta say Thanks to you all

[Yaads 0]

Sorry to hear you are going through all of this

You sound like a very strong woman and mother and I hope that you are able to continue in being strong as you are dealing with this daily.

I am not an MENA girl but I have a nice bat and ski mask

Edited August 14, 2007 by Jme3584

[ya falaha! 0]

Hmmm this is a tough situation. You don't have any friends who have husbands or any male cousins or uncles? No males whatsoever? Do you have a group of friends, acquaintences, cousins, neighbors that could be present when you tell him you're done and he has to leave? They don't even have to be male just basically witnesses in case things get ugly. I'm sure you have SOMEONE who could be with you in case something happens. Someone who could call the cops just in case. Basically ask him if he wants to leave on his own (the easy way) or if he wants to have a police escort. I'm thinking he'd probably want to leave quietly and not get the police involved. I wouldn't even ask him when he wants to leave, I'd buy the ticket and let him know when YOU want him to leave.

[peezey 0]

The Sit Down talk will go nowhere. Of course he'll say he wants to stay. But, you don't care what he wants at this point, you need him to get out. Buy the ticket, tell him he has to go. Call the police if need be.

[deemabrouk 0]

How about all of us MENA chicks get on our dark clothing and ski masks and head up your way with a car load of baseball bats? If he won't leave peacefully...we'll "suggest" that he does!

??????

[doodlebug 3]

How about all of us MENA chicks get on our dark clothing and ski masks and head up your way with a car load of baseball bats? If he won't leave peacefully...we'll "suggest" that he does!

??????

omg coke zero EVERYWHERE!!!!!

[chri'stina 190]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

I have a question I hope it's not taken as grilling but it's something I was just wondering about. I know when our SO's are far away and we can only talk to them online/phone we may not discuss every topic in the world, but did you ever discuss the issue of abuse in relationships before with him before he came? Or how husbands should treat their wives?

I'm just asking because I was wondering if he said he was against abuse and was in support of treating his wife very nicely but then flip flopped on it, or if he never stated how he felt about it in any of your talks.

It's seems like it's definitely something that should come up in talks when you are marrying someone from a very different culture, so you probably did, but still I was wondering.

And if anyone hasn't discussed this topic with their SO, they definitely should (no matter what culture they are from, ya just never know sometimes!).

Edited August 14, 2007 by stina&suj

[Caladan 19]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

And even if he doesn't think it's wrong... he's had years and years of believing it's fine to beat his wife... how would you estimate the chances that he's going to have an epiphany and turn over a new leaf?

[LaL 418]

I know some of the suggestions recently have attempted to provide some levity to the situation, and please know I am sure it is needed about now, but let's do so in a constructive way. Lets keep this thread positive with support for Dee.

[deemabrouk 0]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

I have a question I hope it's not taken as grilling but it's something I was just wondering about. I know when our SO's are far away and we can only talk to them online/phone we may not discuss every topic in the world, but did you ever discuss the issue of abuse in relationships before with him before he came? Or how husbands should treat their wives?

I'm just asking because I was wondering if he said he was against abuse and was in support of treating his wife very nicely but then flip flopped on it, or if he never stated how he felt about it in any of your talks.

It's seems like it's definitely something that should come up in talks when you are marrying someone from a very different culture, so you probably did, but still I was wondering.

And if anyone hasn't discussed this topic with their SO, they definitely should (no matter what culture they are from, ya just never know sometimes!).

yup it has been talked about... cause that is why i left my Ex.. the father of my kids...

He always said it was wrong or Haraam for a man to hit his wife...

i guess he changed his mind

[chri'stina 190]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

I have a question I hope it's not taken as grilling but it's something I was just wondering about. I know when our SO's are far away and we can only talk to them online/phone we may not discuss every topic in the world, but did you ever discuss the issue of abuse in relationships before with him before he came? Or how husbands should treat their wives?

I'm just asking because I was wondering if he said he was against abuse and was in support of treating his wife very nicely but then flip flopped on it, or if he never stated how he felt about it in any of your talks.

It's seems like it's definitely something that should come up in talks when you are marrying someone from a very different culture, so you probably did, but still I was wondering.

And if anyone hasn't discussed this topic with their SO, they definitely should (no matter what culture they are from, ya just never know sometimes!).

yup it has been talked about... cause that is why i left my Ex.. the father of my kids...

He always said it was wrong or Haraam for a man to hit his wife...

i guess he changed his mind

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Dee -- I am not an expert in the laws of your state, but I know that it can be very VERY difficult to remove a person who has taken up legal residence in your home, unless you have proof of abuse or threats. By law, and according to the immigration paperwork you have signed, it is "his" home, too (at least until a legal motion is filed to remove him.)

You would probably need to file a restraining order to get any immediate action; otherwise you may have to actually "evict" him (which can take more than a month or even longer.) I don't know if police were called and a report was made about any of the incidents, or if you have any photos or witnesses, but these would be very helpful to your case. Please call the women's crisis center and get advice immediately.

One option may be to move out (temporarily) to a friend or relative's home, and have the electricity, water and phone disconnected. This *may* be the fastest way to prompt him to find another place to stay -- then you change the locks -- but I am not sure of the legal ramifications. Your husband may not be aware of his "rights" to residence, but it seems he is getting advice somewhere on how to entrench himself. You need expert legal advice in how to proceed.

By all means, do NOT send in those AOS checks. You can inform USCIS that you have decided not to pursue the AOS, but I'm not sure what action (if any) they would take to remove him.

God with you always.

-MK

[sarah and hicham 3]

I know some of the suggestions recently have attempted to provide some levity to the situation, and please know I am sure it is needed about now, but let's do so in a constructive way. Lets keep this thread positive with support for Dee.

I have read everything here and I don't see where any of the advice was not constructive, but ok.

Anyways Dee, I agree with Peezey- just ask him to leave. If he asks you why then that truly means he doesn't get that what he did is not acceptable which is jsut really sad. He should know very well why.

Don't feel bad- he brought this upon himself.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Don't start making excuses now because the more you do it, the more control over you he'll get. The longer you wait, the harder it will be...when I was in a similar situation and got out of it, my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner.

The Sparrow is correct. "Control" is the operative word here. Everything he is doing right now is to gain control over you. The longer he can remain in the situation, the more time he has to break down your self esteem and have you doubting yourself. Get out now.

Exactly violence is all about power and control here is a link to the power and control wheel commonly referenced to with any DV/Crisis group......

http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/power_control...ip_image001.jpg

[peezey 0]

Has anyone heard from Dee?

[doodlebug 3]

Has anyone heard from Dee?

she pm'd me this morning. Probably just busy with work stuff.