I gotta say Thanks to you all

[♥JP♥ 5]

Dee, does he know you cancelled the AOS checks? That might be a good way to test the waters, tell him you don't plan of reapplying for some time.

nope I didnt tell him that... and I feel for the moment that wouldnt be the best idea

that def. would be a trigger..

I know half his problem is NOT working.. and if he knew I fudged that up.. he would not be a happy camper.

PLus I dont even know if that means his papers are actually cancelled.. or if I'm just gonna get a notice my checks "bounced"??

If you are giving him a week to prove to you that he is a better person then this is the perfect test. You didn't fudge anyting up, and you have to believe that. I think it would be a good idea to tell him and to also let him know you are not going to refile until you are completely sure that things are good between you two.

[deemabrouk 0]

PLus I dont even know if that means his papers are actually cancelled.. or if I'm just gonna get a notice my checks "bounced"??

they should simply return your entire package to you.

yikes

[deadbird 2]

Dee, I really wish you all the best and that the fire under his azz stays lit! Glad to see there's at least a glimmer of hope....

[amal 4]

You continue to amaze me Dee. IF he did go do all that he/they said he did, then SOMEONE is trying to make an attempt to fix what was broken. I'm not sure that 1 week is long enough to prove to you that he's trying to change as it is not too hard to "be good" for a week. BUT I think for yourself, if you didn't give him this ONE LAST CHANCE, you would always ask yourself "what if" and you would be absolutely miserable. I agree with the others that if he so much as raises his voice to you in an abusive way WHATSOEVER, then get the heck out and don't look back. I think that you are doing the right thing by showing him that you were dead serious and he is on a thin rope for a while.

I also say that in this week, it might be a good plan to set the rules and let him know where you stand. Don't back away from him. Stand strong and sure about what you want out of a husband and out of ur lives together. If he can't handle that, too darn bad. (now that was just my opinion and I'm in NO WAY trying to tell u to do this) I know advice is so much easier given than applied. Just stay strong, I guess, is what I'm trying to say...and don't let him see you in a weak state.

amal

[mybackpages 0]

I guess he even sat down with the Imam after the "sermon" for a hour or so... Also getting "schooled" that his behavior was Completely Inappropriate!!! and this stuff in America with a American Muslim wife just doesnt fly!!!!!

This line really caught my eye. I am hoping the Iman was having a language roblem, but something tells me he means exactly what i read it to mean....

Is the Imam trying to say that this is American and you can't behve like you would in Egypt??? Is he trying to suggest in Egypt it is okay? Since when does proper Islamic behavior between a husband and wife change based on culture?

[peezey 0]

Dee, I just want to bring up the "trigger" comment you made. In healthy relationship, there are no triggers, there aren't things a wife would be afraid to tell her husband for fear of physical (or any) retribution.

Edited August 13, 2007 by peezey

[LaL 418]

this is true, but for now, seems like a smart self-preserving attitude

It saddens me that you have to walk on eggshells around your own husband. He should be the one on eggshells now after all he's put you through.

Dee, does he know you cancelled the AOS checks? That might be a good way to test the waters, tell him you don't plan of reapplying for some time.

nope I didnt tell him that... and I feel for the moment that wouldnt be the best idea

that def. would be a trigger..

I know half his problem is NOT working.. and if he knew I fudged that up.. he would not be a happy camper.

PLus I dont even know if that means his papers are actually cancelled.. or if I'm just gonna get a notice my checks "bounced"??

[allousa 1]

Dee, I just want to bring up the "trigger" comment you made. In healthy relationship, there are no triggers, there aren't things a wife would be afraid to tell her husband for fear of physical (or any) retribution.

EXTREMELY good point. In my experience, triggers continue to escalate.

Just be safe, Dee. So many of us are so very worried about you.

[maggieNomar 0]

Ok Dee now PM each of us your cell number so we can check up on you. You know we all WANT to. I hope today is a good day for you and things are slowly improving. And why do you feel you don't deserve financial help? You certainly don't deserve to be treated the way you are/were!! There is no shame in accepting help when you truly need it. And in the future, you can pay it forward to someone else.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Stay safe and carefully proceed slowly, promises are made to be broken alot of times, in the end it will be the actions shown that will give you the answers. A man worth crying over, will never make you.....

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

I want to say, personally, I don't agree with the decision to go back home with him. I really think Dee was manipulated into this choice---not because she is easily manipulated but because she had a hoard of "friends" on her back. My support lies in my open ear and willingness to help how I can, as I PMed and have passed the message on to others, if you need financial help to get his plane ticket or help with any salary loss, I, and many others, want to give that help.

Dee, I agree with JP on this one. I hope you don't feel like you MUST do this. I also think, no matter how feisty your aunt is, there is really only so much you can do when a bunch of strangers show up at your house and insist they've changed a man. I think she was put in a really hard situation, and probably would be damned any way she chose to answer the group. However, now that the dust has settled and you are going over your feelings, please be true to yourself and your kids.

And I hope you understand that my disagreement isn't meant as a judgment or a snipe at you, it's just what I see from the outside looking at this, and I don't see any positivity in it.

well said

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

Dee, I agree with Amal. A week wouldn't do anything. I use to be engaged a while ago to a man who would be nice for a week and a disaster for another/abusive/etc. This will take a long time. And if he is abusive, this might not change. He might park it for a while, but it will come back. Hope he is getting into anger management and maybe be evaluated for bi-polar.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

I want to say, personally, I don't agree with the decision to go back home with him. I really think Dee was manipulated into this choice---not because she is easily manipulated but because she had a hoard of "friends" on her back. My support lies in my open ear and willingness to help how I can, as I PMed and have passed the message on to others, if you need financial help to get his plane ticket or help with any salary loss, I, and many others, want to give that help.

Dee, I agree with JP on this one. I hope you don't feel like you MUST do this. I also think, no matter how feisty your aunt is, there is really only so much you can do when a bunch of strangers show up at your house and insist they've changed a man. I think she was put in a really hard situation, and probably would be damned any way she chose to answer the group. However, now that the dust has settled and you are going over your feelings, please be true to yourself and your kids.

And I hope you understand that my disagreement isn't meant as a judgment or a snipe at you, it's just what I see from the outside looking at this, and I don't see any positivity in it.

nope... I see what you mean. And I agree. I have alot of feelings that told me NOT to do it.. BUT in the end.. I'm still not 100% why.. BUT i gave him one more shot... the LAST..

I guess I have that voice in the back of my head... "You didnt marry him for nothing.. Maybe the light bulb FINALLY went off... Bla Bla Bla.. " At this point he has NO excuses.. he didnt understand.. no language issue.. not understanding the culture.. His A$$ was offically pushed out the nest and he got on the Buses, T's and cabs.. Spoke to the Egyptian Imam... Spoke to strangers for help.. everything he refused to do before

but what gets me.. is that he waited until our marrige COMPLETELY fell apart in order to get is butt in gear

and this has left me resentful...

who knows what will happen.. I DO wish the best for us.. but also the best for us may not mean we are together

(and no way could I accept financial help from people... I dont deserve it..)

I just want to let you know I am thinking of you. I hope that all things work out for you and I encourage you to do what is right for you in your heart regardless of what "friends" or family think you should do. The reality is that your husband is going to need to put the effort into change and it is hard work that only he can do.

I also wanted to comment on you saying you don't deserve financial help...from what I have seen of you in the time that I have been on VJ, is that you are a strong supportive person. Your comments have been supportive in nature and you appear to be a genuine person...I think you deserve any support you are comfortable receiving here...IMHO

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Dee, I agree with Amal. A week wouldn't do anything. I use to be engaged a while ago to a man who would be nice for a week and a disaster for another/abusive/etc. This will take a long time. And if he is abusive, this might not change. He might park it for a while, but it will come back. Hope he is getting into anger management and maybe be evaluated for bi-polar.

just wanted to comment IMO and in my history of working with domestic violence issues they DO NOT recommend anger managment, there are Batterer intervention programs all over the state that are recommended for addressing abusive behaviors, it is an intensive program typically 28 week or up to one year program with focus on addressing the behaviors what is at the root, accepting full responsibility for behavior, personal triggers, coping skills, learning about DV the cycle, etc etc...anywho that is my soap box..sorry DV is close to my heart...so so many many ppl affected by it...

[mybackpages 0]

Dee, I agree with Amal. A week wouldn't do anything. I use to be engaged a while ago to a man who would be nice for a week and a disaster for another/abusive/etc. This will take a long time. And if he is abusive, this might not change. He might park it for a while, but it will come back. Hope he is getting into anger management and maybe be evaluated for bi-polar.

just wanted to comment IMO and in my history of working with domestic violence issues they DO NOT recommend anger managment, there are Batterer intervention programs all over the state that are recommended for addressing abusive behaviors, it is an intensive program typically 28 week or up to one year program with focus on addressing the behaviors what is at the root, accepting full responsibility for behavior, personal triggers, coping skills, learning about DV the cycle, etc etc...anywho that is my soap box..sorry DV is close to my heart...so so many many ppl affected by it...

I think this is a very important post. Domestic violence is a very unique situation. We should all be better educated about the signs, how to support someone in this situation (both make and female- abuser and the abused). Someone in this situation need specialized help. It's a difficult process. Thanks and please educate us more!