A Broken Journey

[gonewiththewind 0]

all i can tell you whenever you need to talk or need a friend PM me please .

[sara535 15]

Jean, your posts show a strength and an insight that is truly admirable. I am thinking a lot about you today and praying for you. take care, and know you have friends here.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I am just being honest when I say that not a whole lot makes sense to me right now.

Those words I understand all too well. I have a story, too, from very long ago, but those words bring it all back. I remember the confusion and the furied mix of emotions the incongruity of action to belief brought about. Because I remember all too well what that was like, you have been on my mind all day, too, Jean. Because I remember, I know this will pass for you, you will go on to pick up the pieces, and life will be good again, insha'allah!

God bless you, sis!

[babybunny 2]

Thank you for your words. You can never know how much it means. I have never faced anything like this in my life. I'm numb. I can make no one any promises about anything, not my family, not my friends because nothing makes any sense to me now so I can't even promise myself. One thing I do know, and I can say this with 100% honesty, no one can know the sh*t storm of this until they experience it for themselves. Its so very easy to say dump the b*stard or forget him. He is still, unfortunately, my husband and I still carry his name. There is much more to work through here then just the simple facts. Connie, you have said exactly what I needed to hear. I need to do what is best and God only knows what that is right now for me. My first goal is getting out of bed in the morning, the next step is putting one foot in front of the other with as much intelligence as I can muster, but the pain is always there. I love my husband and I also hate the life I was living with him recently, so there you go. I ask God why he brought all this to me and I pray for the strength to sort it all out. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just simply don't know anything at all except that this really hurts. I thank you again for allowing me to vent, I thank you for your words, and I pray if anyone else out there is going through this, you step up and do something about it. Hiding bruises is the demeaning part. Lying to your family, friends and coworkers is the demeaning part. Standing up for yourself is NOT the demeaning part. Neither is bearing the bruises in the first place. I know my husband has something in him that goes black and snaps when he gets angry. I know I am the only target for his frustrations. That does NOT make him evil nor does it make any of this my fault. It's just a very unforunate mix of circumstances and that does not make any of it RIGHT. I just know I do not want to live like THIS. God bless you all.

oh give me a break! stop justifying him and your situation. your saying NOTHING we as abused women have faced or felt. you have to wake up and move on. no one can force you to. so what you married him - you want a reward? you wont get it from me. what you can get is some direction on how to get out of the situation you are in. but you have to want it. you want a life where you have to FIGHT your husband?? where you are fearing the man you love? you want a life where he will some day toss you in the Emergency room, and leave you for dead? you want a life where one day he hurts you so bad- you cant even breathe? you think you can change this man? jsut because your his wife? you call going back to him standing up for yourself? no standing up for yourself is moving on.

you can do bad all by yourself - you dont need him to assist you with that.

look at your life before him and this drama. look at how your friends have respected you and some even looked up to you. look at how proud your family was of you before this drama.

now look at yourself NOW..

[babybunny 2]

my bestfriend did not turn on her cell phone on this one day. it was due to the fact at the ticket counter- cell phones must be off or on vibrate. she forgot to turn it on - simple mistake really. she walked into the house. her husband demanded to know why she did not turn the cell phone on. she tried to explain that she forgot. unfortunately for her the door was still opend. he knocked her down 3 flights of stairs. she suffered

broken bones, busted mouth, cracked ribs and black eyes.

she called me while I was at work. I took off and went to her. when I reached the ER I was in utter horror.

my bestfriend is a beautiful lady. she has the most striking green eyes - like grapes and wonderful red hair. - why would a man beat up a precious creature like her

[noura 0]

oh give me a break! stop justifying him and your situation. your saying NOTHING we as abused women have faced or felt. you have to wake up and move on. no one can force you to. so what you married him - you want a reward? you wont get it from me. what you can get is some direction on how to get out of the situation you are in. but you have to want it. you want a life where you have to FIGHT your husband?? where you are fearing the man you love? you want a life where he will some day toss you in the Emergency room, and leave you for dead? you want a life where one day he hurts you so bad- you cant even breathe? you think you can change this man? jsut because your his wife? you call going back to him standing up for yourself? no standing up for yourself is moving on.

you can do bad all by yourself - you dont need him to assist you with that.

look at your life before him and this drama. look at how your friends have respected you and some even looked up to you. look at how proud your family was of you before this drama.

now look at yourself NOW..

[sunset2005 0]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through but he belongs in jail! That behavior is not tolerated and always remember that if he hits you once he will hit you again!

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Wow.

I am so sad to read of such a disturbing turn of events.

Jean... I know you said you didn't want advice.... but in spite of that, you have received some very good advice here, from people who care about you. Some of it may be very hard for you to accept. But it's the hard truth.

There can be no happy future with a man who will hurt you. The marriage has been destroyed, because the trust has been destroyed. No matter how sorry or ashamed that he may be, he has proved to you *without any question* that he WILL cross that line. He can never take away the fear and the doubts his abusive behavior has caused. And given the chance, he will hurt you again and again. Until you are injured very badly, even to the point of death. Or until you finally get the message that he doesn't love you and respect you, and you need to stay far away from this person.

You are a mother. Do not let this be the lesson that you teach your child -- that domestic violence is ok and can be forgiven.

You said you will not be the victim any more. But only you can remove yourself from the position of victim. Stop enabling him to victimize you. Do not help him get out of jail or get a reduced punishment, do not give him any mercy, and most of all do NOT give him the chance to harm you again. It's over. Face the hard truth, cut your losses, and move on.

Thoughts and prayers with you.

-MK

[lion_lioness 0]

Jean,

I am soooo heart broken to read this story; you are a most courageous woman for writing it down. I won't offer any advice except to say your safety should come first! I will pray for you both of course, but if you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

Ok I will say this, Mo needs to realize that you could have been his mother, sister, his daughter - you are his wife and this is not acceptable. If he is genuinely hurt by his actions and can't control them, then he should go far away and get some help. God Bless him though, really, because you love him so much. Frankly, I think I'd be the one in jail now for murder - love and all. God Bless you sis.

[Marry American 0]

Thank you for your words. You can never know how much it means. I have never faced anything like this in my life. I'm numb. I can make no one any promises about anything, not my family, not my friends because nothing makes any sense to me now so I can't even promise myself. One thing I do know, and I can say this with 100% honesty, no one can know the sh*t storm of this until they experience it for themselves. Its so very easy to say dump the b*stard or forget him. He is still, unfortunately, my husband and I still carry his name. There is much more to work through here then just the simple facts. Connie, you have said exactly what I needed to hear. I need to do what is best and God only knows what that is right now for me. My first goal is getting out of bed in the morning, the next step is putting one foot in front of the other with as much intelligence as I can muster, but the pain is always there. I love my husband and I also hate the life I was living with him recently, so there you go. I ask God why he brought all this to me and I pray for the strength to sort it all out. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just simply don't know anything at all except that this really hurts. I thank you again for allowing me to vent, I thank you for your words, and I pray if anyone else out there is going through this, you step up and do something about it. Hiding bruises is the demeaning part. Lying to your family, friends and coworkers is the demeaning part. Standing up for yourself is NOT the demeaning part. Neither is bearing the bruises in the first place. I know my husband has something in him that goes black and snaps when he gets angry. I know I am the only target for his frustrations. That does NOT make him evil nor does it make any of this my fault. It's just a very unforunate mix of circumstances and that does not make any of it RIGHT. I just know I do not want to live like THIS. God bless you all.

oh give me a break! stop justifying him and your situation. your saying NOTHING we as abused women have faced or felt. you have to wake up and move on. no one can force you to. so what you married him - you want a reward? you wont get it from me. what you can get is some direction on how to get out of the situation you are in. but you have to want it. you want a life where you have to FIGHT your husband?? where you are fearing the man you love? you want a life where he will some day toss you in the Emergency room, and leave you for dead? you want a life where one day he hurts you so bad- you cant even breathe? you think you can change this man? jsut because your his wife? you call going back to him standing up for yourself? no standing up for yourself is moving on.

you can do bad all by yourself - you dont need him to assist you with that.

look at your life before him and this drama. look at how your friends have respected you and some even looked up to you. look at how proud your family was of you before this drama.

now look at yourself NOW..

This so called DRAMA as some people put it will work itself out, regardless if YOU choose to stay with your husband or not. One thing for sure though, you said he has to want help. Him getting help should be one of the requirements for you to stay with him in my opinion.

If your family and friends respected you and were proud of you before these incidents, I am sure they respect you and are proud of you still. This is not your FAULT. Neither should you be blamed. You love your husband. Does he love you? I am sure you will make the best decision for you.

Sorry

[chri'stina 190]

Happened to come across this thread.

I am also very sorry to read about this, Jean. I'm glad you opened up. I can't imagine the pain, after waiting through such a long visa process to be together, and then things are not happily ever after, and worse, the person you trusted hurts you physically and emotionally. It's just not right, and you don't deserve it.

You've gotten a lot of good advice, and also I'll say again that it's not your fault. Praying for you, and for you to be able to have a good life again, on your own, realizing that you do not deserve this kind of treatment.

*hugs*

Christina

[amal 4]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately so many ppl in our situations end up with an ending similar to yours in one way or another. I will speak from experience that my marriage is nothing like I dreamed. I know many girls from VJ who got hurt by their loved ones after they arrived here. The best thing they could have done was get as far away from that person as humanly possible. Some of them got deported and some moved states away. One of my best friends that this happened to...she had a similar thought as you. "I still carry his last name". She told me that on a daily basis. She finally divorced him and regained her maiden name and has never been happier. I'm not saying that this is what you need to do. This is just what my friends have done.

We have tried many times to talk about the "not so good" side to this process. When it isn't quite what we thought it would be. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sure it will help another one of us in the future.

#1 thing to remember is that you did the right thing 100%. Never blame yourself for what he did to you. My first husband beat me on a daily basis and I always thought it was my fault. That was until he threw my 6 month old son accross a room into a wall. IT WASN'T MY FAULT JUST AS IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

If you need to vent, talk, cry, ANYTHING...please get ahold of me. I will do anything I can to help you deal with this.

May God help you find the right path to a happier and brighter future.

We love ya!!

amal

Edited May 28, 2007 by amal

[peezey 0]

Family and friends lose respect for people who return to abusers, simple as that. They don't stop loving you, but they do stop helping you and saving you from an abuser if you choose to go back. The women here who have been in this situation can attest to that, and the millions more in this country for whom DV is a reality.

[Marry American 0]

People I know that have gone through this experience or worse has had the support of family and friends until the very end!!!

Edited May 28, 2007 by i adore you

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

No one will ever think you wanted this or asked for it, no one will ever think you didn't love him because of this, and no one will ever accuse you of doing this to him-- because none of that is true. But you do need to stick with this decision. After he either kills you or moves on, he will continue this. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for other women. You can have him sent back I am fairly sure... use the current difficulties in immigration to your best advantage. Then, unlike American women with American abusers you can rest a bit easier, knowing you sent him back where he was happy but also? Where he is FAR, FAR away from you. This will not go away. And in the end, this will take you months and months to put behind you, maybe longer than the process took itself, maybe longer than you knew him for... but you will feel better during this time eventually, and you will learn to put it behind you. You won't feel like this forever.

Well said.

Jean.