Moving to the US from African/non-western cultures

[southernchic 0]

My husband's been living in the US for less than a year now but is having a lot of stress and anxiety issues. Neither of us expected this at all.

For examplee, my husband had REALLY high expectations for starting his own business, making tons of money and learning everything as soon as he came here. Well, it hasn't quite worked out that way and he's been having some challenges.

As an American it suprises me that he has such a hard time recognizing that he's stress or telling me that he's stressed. And even more surprising is that he doesn't talk to his family about it. I never realized the expectations that folks back home have once someone leaves.

So it just makes me wonder how have others -- esp from nonwestern countries -- dealt with the stress and axiety of moving to the US and getting established???

[dana0402 0]

My fiance just arrived three days ago, so I don't have any answers, but I'm curious to see how others reply because I'm expecting VERY similar reactions from him...

[a&o 4]

My husband didn't have the idea that you come to the U.S. and get rich since he knew of other people who came here and watched as they had to send their kids back to live with their grandparents in Ghana because it was too expensive to get daycare and all that. He also lived with me in Ghana for a long time (and saw that I wasn't pulling money out of the air) and I had the chance to convince him that it was all relative (sure you can make more money, but rent, food, etc. is also much more). His biggest worry about the U.S. was the violence (and I guess coming from Ghana rather than other less peaceful African countries it's unique).

He is sending money back, little by little, and that makes him feel good. But at first he did think he was going to be able to go on shopping sprees AND send enough money back to change every family member's life. In order to make sure he stayed real about money I printed out a very detailed budget and a six-month and then a twleve-month financial plan (I know, I'm Type A). But then he was able to relax a bit and realize it takes time.

The other things that have made him happy are finding a soccer team, having Mexican friends who are also adjusting to the U.S., and calling home via Skype every Sunday. We also listen to a lot of Ghana music and radio (over the net) and I make Ghanaian food at least once a week.

[taurean 0]

I think my husband's experience has been much the same as a&o's husband. Many people from his country (as with many other countries) believe that coming to the US or certain places in Europe is like being in El Dorado. However, he has many relatives who are living abroad who told him the real deal before he left. The real deal being that life can be difficult, you need to be patient, and money is not falling out of the sky. He listened and took the advice. But I think even then, he sort of half-expected to be able to make money and contribute right away. And even after he arrived, different Senegalese men talked to him earnestly about what the deal is here. Still in all it took him about two months for reality to set in. It was difficult for him to be sitting around all day, not working, doing nothing. And there is only so much you as the spouse can do, to lift his spirits. However, I do think that during this period, the advice and the talks from other men in his situation started to come back to him. Gradually he just started to accept the current situation.

However now, four months after his arrival, he is really settling in nicely. He has been able to see that it takes a lot to live comfortably here and he realizes that he will probably be closer to his goal of completeing his education and working in his field in about 5 years. Once he accepted the situation I could visibly see the stress lift off his shoulders. He loves to play soccer and that has been not only a stress reliever but also a great way to hook up with some really nice Senegalese guys. Thank GOD for soccer!!!

Southernchic: Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you because every person is different, but I do certainly feel for you. You are in the DC area right? As you know, there is a very large Ethiopian community here. Has your husband been able to find a mentor of sorts?? Someone that might be able to really talk to him and a person your husband would listen to? Maybe that would be a help.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Tauren and A&O - well stated.

[*JG* 2]

My husband, his friends, and his family believed all Americans were rich and everything was so easy. His mother still thinks we have a money tree in our back yard. My husband has now been here nearly a year. He has seen the pile of paperwork to get anything done. He has seen the time it takes to get a job. He's seen how hard I really do work and the long hours involved. He's seen how hard he has to work. Most importantly, he's seen the bills before the paychecks even come in. His whole perspective has changed.

No matter what you tell them beforehand or that they tell you they get it, they will not. Coming here will be a huge shock to them.

[Ta Ta 1]

Very interesting topic and I hope more members add to it.

I have told my fiance that it won't be easy here many times.

The pressure on the SO to send back money to help out is a big expectation

and hard to live up to. Especially with all the immigration costs at first, extra car

etc.

[LovinLiberia 0]

Nice topic, eventhough my fiance isn't here, we have had this discussion several times. He has a lot of friends and family here who have warned him and he seems to understand about 90% of it. He definately graps the whole "you won't get rich as soon as you get to America" thing, but I still think somewhere in the back of his mind he believes he will be able to have more money quickly. Liberia doesn't have bills and credit and even as much as I break it down for him, those are some of the things he will have to expereince and understand once he gets here. His family in Liberia don't understand at all. When I was there I was surprised at how many people had the misconception of America being a place to get rich quick. Even in Ghana (and Liberia), I had people telling me things like "if only I could get to America, I will work, save up $100,000 in a year and go back home to my country." They just didn't get it!

[Zee Bee 61]

No kidding. People seem to think that America has money trees that are always in season you just go and pluck whenever you want.

My finace already has a brother who moved here a few years ago and so he knows the process is not easy let alone living here. A couple of months ago he made me give him a list of all my monthly expenses and when he finished adding it all up he just went quiet. He couldn't believe it. Of course he was comparing it to how much he spends in Ghana but in America there are so many other things that we pay for that do not even exist in Ghana. The amount of money I pay for one month's rent on my one bedroom apartment could get me a freaking mansion in Ghana for five months.

I am just happy that my finace is willing to learn about these things and understands that my salary, which sounds wonderful in Ghanaian terms, is not all that much when you look at all the endless bills that keep coming. But I don't think the reality will hit him until he is here seeing it for himself.

[*JG* 2]

No kidding. People seem to think that America has money trees that are always in season you just go and pluck whenever you want.

My finace already has a brother who moved here a few years ago and so he knows the process is not easy let alone living here. A couple of months ago he made me give him a list of all my monthly expenses and when he finished adding it all up he just went quiet. He couldn't believe it. Of course he was comparing it to how much he spends in Ghana but in America there are so many other things that we pay for that do not even exist in Ghana. The amount of money I pay for one month's rent on my one bedroom apartment could get me a freaking mansion in Ghana for five months.

I am just happy that my finace is willing to learn about these things and understands that my salary, which sounds wonderful in Ghanaian terms, is not all that much when you look at all the endless bills that keep coming. But I don't think the reality will hit him until he is here seeing it for himself.

Absolute truth.

I am going to say it again........NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY THEY UNDERSTAND, THEY WILL NOT UNTIL THEY EXPERIENCE IT. The first phone bill nearly blew Andre away. For some reason, he thought phone calls to Jamaica were free (even though I openly complained about the bills for months, years.....)

[Lovechild 0]

My husband has been here three years and is still dealing with the stress of sending money home and accmulating debt. He is freaking out about all the debt he has accumulated. We had continuous discussions before he came to the U.S. about how it REALLY is in American plus he knew how hard I was struggling. It's a different story now that he's in it and his family is pressuring him to send money home. He recently changed his cell phone number so they can't call him anymore. Southernchic, I'm feeling you girl.....big time.....

[*JG* 2]

My husband has been here three years and is still dealing with the stress of sending money home and accmulating debt. He is freaking out about all the debt he has accumulated. We had continuous discussions before he came to the U.S. about how it REALLY is in American plus he knew how hard I was struggling. It's a different story now that he's in it and his family is pressuring him to send money home. He recently changed his cell phone number so they can't call him anymore. Southernchic, I'm feeling you girl.....big time.....

Yep, we are there too........Andre quits answering the phone several times a month.

Hang in there, SC. In the end, it is him you agreed to marry, not his entire family, and no matter how pressured he feels, he has to deal with it in a way that sheds a good light on your marriage. What good is it to anyone if not only can he not send any money, he can't even help with is share in the marriage?

I've also learned the hard way that just cause they are putting the pressure on to send money, doesn't necessarily mean they are not going to survive without it. Sometimes it's more of a game then anything else.

You can PM me anytime you want to chat on this issue.

[randolady 1]

I've explained several times to Ombeni that although I make a lot more money than he does, things cost a lot more, and I actually don't have that much spending money to throw around. Then again, the quality of life IS higher here, and even if we live in a studio (which we probably will), it'll be luxurious to him to have a stove, a fridge, a non-squatty toilet (although I love squatty toilets!), a bathtub, hot water, etc etc etc. Oh, and a car! I don't think he'll be disappointed, really. His expectations aren't ridiculously high, from what I gather.

He doesn't think he's going to miss his friends and family too much, or Tanzanian culture in general. But I know better! I never got homesick once in my life until I was the only American girl in a foreign country. So I'm going to force him to go to Swahili discussion tables that the University runs. And help him find a volunteer position that he can do until he is able to work. His English is really good, but I think taking an ESL course would increase his confidence. Basically, I'm going to try to find all sorts of opportunities to get him out of the house. When I stayed with him, I got overwhelmed by being the only white girl, so I stayed inside and was not very happy. The key is to be busy (but not too busy! we don't want to suck the Tanzanian out of him) and find yourself a niche.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I agree with Esjessi, the key is to keep him busy.

During the period of waiting for his EAD, my husband volunteered at a Nursing Home while taking a CNA course at the communitiy college. In addition, he started preparing for the GED in preparation for college. By taking the GED, he did not have to concern himself with having his High School certificate from back home transfered to credits here in the USA. In addition, its less expensive. Luckily for my husband his initial time here was spent creating a garden, as well as various task pertaining to our wedding.

Each person is different, and overall the transition for them can be a challenge. Besides, most of what they know about America is what they see on TV. We all know that most of what the TV shows is for entertainment purposes only.

Keep him busy, and always try to encourage, and show him that you have confidence in him as well.

[JODO 2]

I agree with Esjessi, the key is to keep him busy.

During the period of waiting for his EAD, my husband volunteered at a Nursing Home while taking a CNA course at the communitiy college. In addition, he started preparing for the GED in preparation for college. By taking the GED, he did not have to concern himself with having his High School certificate from back home transfered to credits here in the USA. In addition, its less expensive. Luckily for my husband his initial time here was spent creating a garden, as well as various task pertaining to our wedding.

Each person is different, and overall the transition for them can be a challenge. Besides, most of what they know about America is what they see on TV. We all know that most of what the TV shows is for entertainment purposes only.

Keep him busy, and always try to encourage, and show him that you have confidence in him as well.

The garden is a great idea!