Violence Against Women Act and me

[akdiver 3]

Just wondering, how many of this thread's posters' wives contribute to family income, and how significantly?

My wife started working as soon as possible, which happened to be about 5 months after arrival. She is currently contributing about 25% of the household pre-tax income, however, we also both have health insurance through her employer. She also gets us about 50% off tuition in our grad school program (which will save about $20K between the two of us, over the 2 year program). Once she graduates from this program, I expect that she will be contributing more than the 25% total, maybe as much as 40%.

I've been reading VJ for some months now and I see that a fair share of wives start or will start working eventually, but it's my impression that their initial post-arrival time is covered by their husbands, more or less. Sometimes that includes education, where necessary. Am I to understand that all these husbands are immensely rich?

Certainly not me. (:

Cheers!

AKDiver

[akdiver 3]

My fiance is a computer programmer, do you guys think he will be able to find a job rather quickly? He is planning to go through JFK to at least try and get the EAD right away...

Depends entirely on where you live. In Alaska? Sure. In California? Much harder. in Mississippi? Do they even have computers down there?

Cheers!

AKDiver

[russ 1]

He will be fine. Try dice.com to start looking around. The bigger problem is getting paid as much as you are worth. There is unlimited work in every state in the US below $50/hour with a Computer Science degree. $75/hr or $110,000/year is typical here in FL.

I do IT work in the south, it is just as good as the rest of the country.

With computer work, I would be happy to help him out, and I know several Russian-speaking computer guys in the US.

Where do you live, and what type of programming does he do? The market for Oracle and SAP tends to be the best (highest paying). There is a good market for Java still. Software development work exists just about everywhere. San Fran, Boston, LA, RDU, Dallas and NYC are the biggest markets. If he doesn't mind traveling, the pay can be pretty good (~$150/hour), which is worth being away from home Monday to Thursday a few months out of the year.

My fiance is a computer programmer, do you guys think he will be able to find a job rather quickly? He is planning to go through JFK to at least try and get the EAD right away...

Depends entirely on where you live. In Alaska? Sure. In California? Much harder. in Mississippi? Do they even have computers down there?

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Galina 0]

Here in the U.S., it is very hard to make it on only one person's income. Add another dependant to that, and it gets really, really hard.

Just wondering, how many of this thread's posters' wives contribute to family income, and how significantly?

I've been reading VJ for some months now and I see that a fair share of wives start or will start working eventually, but it's my impression that their initial post-arrival time is covered by their husbands, more or less. Sometimes that includes education, where necessary. Am I to understand that all these husbands are immensely rich?

My husband didn't want me to work at all, and still doesn't now, even part time, encouraging me to study. He considers it a solid investment in future, hoping that I will be bringing fatter share of bacon to the table when I am done with the degree.

Rich? Nah! I wouldn't say so. Enough to pay bills and be young and headless and irresponsible every once in a while...

[akdiver 3]

My husband didn't want me to work at all, and still doesn't now, even part time, encouraging me to study. He considers it a solid investment in future, hoping that I will be bringing fatter share of bacon to the table when I am done with the degree.

Personally, I view this as a deficient strategy. All the school in the world will not teach you about the nuances and social norms of operating in an American workplace. Better to get some of these skills in a job that doesn't matter so much, rather than waiting to acquire them in one that does.

I think the same mistake is made by parents who do not allow their children to get jobs. I know some people who never had a job until after they graduated from college. As someone who has worked at one job or another from a very early age, I just cannot imagine what that must be like. Personally, I think one should be required to work at least 1000 hours in a fast food, retail, or other menial job, as a requirement for graduation from high school. This will provide basic workplace skills as well as teach children how crappy crappy can be, and inspire them to do better (:

Please note that this is not a statement on YOU or whatever you may know or not know. It's a general statement about the difficulty of adapting to a new workplace culture, no matter who the person is, and no matter what that culture may be. I know you worked in Russia, but I also have to believe that social norms in the workplace are different in different cultures (:

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Nancy2015 2]

Here in the U.S., it is very hard to make it on only one person's income. Add another dependant to that, and it gets really, really hard.

Just wondering, how many of this thread's posters' wives contribute to family income, and how significantly?

I've been reading VJ for some months now and I see that a fair share of wives start or will start working eventually, but it's my impression that their initial post-arrival time is covered by their husbands, more or less. Sometimes that includes education, where necessary. Am I to understand that all these husbands are immensely rich?

My husband didn't want me to work at all, and still doesn't now, even part time, encouraging me to study. He considers it a solid investment in future, hoping that I will be bringing fatter share of bacon to the table when I am done with the degree.

Rich? Nah! I wouldn't say so. Enough to pay bills and be young and headless and irresponsible every once in a while...

I'm in a different situation. My husband isn't working, even part time, because he will start studying in Septemebr and considers it a much better investment of the money we don't have. He also considers my 31K a year to be enough to cover all the expenses. He's aware of the fact that the rent alone eats half of this paycheck, but he doesn't seem to care much.

I'm all for my husband's going to school, but I would also love to see him working again, and the sooner the better. He quit his job as soon as I got mine, and he's been home for almost three months now. He seems surprised that two grand a month can't pay for the car, for the apartment, gas, electricity, phone, credit cards, Internet, cable TV (which he has to have, because it makes him feel good), video games (same thing), and food. He also seemed surprised that I can't write a check to his ex for child support - she's getting pi$$ed, because the payments have stopped.

Galina, I would say you're a lot more fortunate, because your husband seems to have a head on his shoulders. Mine has done so many stupid things in two and a half years that we've been together, that I wonder if he is capable of dealing with life at all.

I had a second job lined up, but it didn't work out, and for the past week I have been wondering how I am going to pay the bills without a second source of income. I told my husband that maybe it's time for him to at least start looking for work, and I won't even be too mad if he decides to only work part time. My request made him upset, because how come he doesn't get any time off from work at all? He was planning to only start looking for work in June, and now I messed up all his plans

So, as you can tell, I'm very mad, I think it's not fair, but I have no other choice but to look for another second job or for a full time job that pays better.

It makes me smile when I read about folks on this board helping their spouses financially before they get settled. My husband really had it easy - he never had to deal with the immigration, because I was already here when we met, and I filled out all the AOS paperwork myself, he just signed whatever he had to sign. He also never had to give me any money, because my father was doing that before we got married. And after the marriage, I landed a part time job at my school - and it payed almost as much as his job at that time.

Well, I'm mad, can you tell. I don't normally write about my personal issues anywhere, but it's got to me so much now, I've been so fed up and sick of it all, that I couldn't help it.

[akdiver 3]

Jewel - first, thanks for sharing. That takes some guts. (:

I'm in a different situation. My husband isn't working, even part time, because he will start studying in Septemebr and considers it a much better investment of the money we don't have.

I'm trying to understand this logic. What exactly is it about going to school in SEPTEMBER that prevents him from working in the meantime? I'm missing something here in this chain of logic.

He also seemed surprised that I can't write a check to his ex for child support

And nor should you! I hope you never ever do this and let him off the hook so easily.

she's getting pi$$ed, because the payments have stopped.

Too damned bad.

Mine has done so many stupid things in two and a half years that we've been together, that I wonder if he is capable of dealing with life at all.

From the way you have described things - well - I'll just say that I hope you take some positive actions to streamline your life and improve your future.

I hope you don't let him drive that new car of yours - he would probably wreck it and then somehow blame YOU for it.

Good luck Jewel!

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

Update on OP....

My wife talked to Olga (Marc's wife) on the phone yesterday, and she (my wife) didn't say too much about "the incident." She said they were arguing over something while Olga was cooking, and she slammed her hand down on the counter, cutting herself on the knife. Now, how that turned into "she cut herself and threatened VAWA actions" I'm not real sure, and only Marc can tell us how that happened. I don't know what really happened, or what was said, all I know is Olga told my wife her side of the story, which may or may not be true, and she didn't really say anything about the VAWA. My wife summarized that Marc and Olga weren't talking for a couple of days because they were in a disagreement and when they were arguing over something, that's when Olga cut herself. I asked what's going on now, what's going to happen, etc., and she said she didn't know because they're not speaking to each other. I specifically asked about the VAWA accusations and she gave me the "what the hell are you talking about?" look followed by a "ne znayu." Apparently Olga didn't bring that part into their phone conversation.

So, Marc, if you're reading this.... talk to Olga about what's really going on!!! What I got from Elena was that the cutting was unintentional (at least that's the way it came across over the phone) so maybe there's no "big" issue here, other than she's lonely/bored/etc., and needs you to work out your other stuff with her. (Like the phone bills.) Maybe the VAWA stuff is the only real way she knows to get your attention. It is serious, so do what you can to work it out, and let her know how serious the VAWA is for your case, and for your life! Good luck, and please give us an update soon!

As for the "racism" toward "FSU wives", what I gathered from Galina's posts wasn't that she was mad over the FSU, CIS, Russian-wife, etc., label, but moreover didn't like being put into the "trophy wife" category that most "FSU wives" are automatically put in simply because they're different from American wives. The only thing I can tell you is this: The wives/fiancees of the members of this board are different. That's why we have a special thread on VJ. You are automatically labeled as a "mail-order bride" and/or "trophy wife" when you get here because the average American person hasn't ever interacted with a "real" Russian lady, let alone one who came here specifically for the purpose of marrying an American man. I understand where you're coming from. My wife still tells me (in my voice) that she's not my toy, and not something to be played with. She needs to be respected, treated like a lady, and reassured that I love her not just because she's a mindless hottie (sarcasm) but because she's who she is. Im not the best at conveying that to her, but the simple fact that I married her is proof enough that I hold her in that regard. It baffles me that wherever we go, she's by far the most attractive woman there, and even though she knows it, she's gotta hear me say it. Not because she wants her ego stroked, but because she wants me to acknowledge that the most beautiful woman in the place is there with me, and that brings the respect right back around. I've got to treat her like a lady because she is! Not just because she's hot, but because she's hot..... and with me!

I know that, Russ knows that, we all know that. We just may not be the best at "describing" it here on the forum. And remember, not only are you trying to understand what we're saying in English, you're trying to decipher what we mean in "guy language." The guys on this forum can say something about the women in our lives and we'll all understand each other just fine. A woman looking at that same couple of posts may get the wrong idea. Just remember, sure you came here to be with your husband, but he agreed to marry you, and for guys, that's the equivalent of "leaving everything behind to be with the one we love."

Sure there's a descriptive tone in the way we (guys) post, but it's in no way derogatory. It's more of a realism than a description anyway, and is not posted to degrade the women we post about, but moreover to reenforce the collective bond that we all share here in the Russia forum that as stated, the British and Canadian folks probably wouldn't really understand. There are similarities and differences in women, all women. But one thing's for sure, you "FSU wives" are special!!!

The other problems she will probably get mad at me for mentioning, but she never reads this site She couldn't take a ####### for weeks after she came (teehee) so we experimented with lots of constipation medicine. It was the change in diet and sleep obviously. She also had a break out of acne, which she says was unusual for her. She hadn't traveled outside of Europe so it was certainly different for her.

My wife is still getting acclimated to the food and stuff here, so she's also been "irregular" from what she was in Russia. The things she's found that help her most are: yogurt (Activia), a "dieter's tea" called 3 Ballerinas (which she said is also available in Russia... they've got it at the Russian shop) and some Kefir milk/yogurt/cream stuff that we get from the Russian shop, imported all the way from the Mother Land. I've tried to tell her about White Castle Slyders, McDonald's, Chinese Buffets, etc., but she's sticking to the soups and salads with the occasional cheeseburger here and there. And no matter how hard I try, no "yucky-yucky pizza" (well, only a slice or two every month!) on a regular basis.

You know, this is the type of info we need on VJ. Sure it's not the most "lady-like" topic, but it happens. And it seems to happen to most of them. Why shouldn't we share it? Good on you Chuckles for posting this!

Well besides the normal adjusting to the foods I went and got Elena pregnant!!! Im excited of course but I have a whole other set of emotional issues to deal with. She doesnt call it irregular she says she is "stucked" I kind of laugh which makes her as "why are you laughing" and I reply "cuz I love you and Im happy" and the conversation goes from there.

Elena and I had some rough spots particularly when she stopped talking to me for 2 days and then when I finally got it out of her she said it was because I wasnt spending enough time with her. It took a lot for me to get that out of her, I think for the most part many Russian women and women in general have a difficult time opening up, especially in another language when the words might not be so easy. I just try to be real patient and let Elena know that no matter what I do she can always tell me when I mess up.

[Nancy2015 2]

Jewel - first, thanks for sharing. That takes some guts. (:

I'm in a different situation. My husband isn't working, even part time, because he will start studying in Septemebr and considers it a much better investment of the money we don't have.

I'm trying to understand this logic. What exactly is it about going to school in SEPTEMBER that prevents him from working in the meantime? I'm missing something here in this chain of logic.

He also seemed surprised that I can't write a check to his ex for child support

And nor should you! I hope you never ever do this and let him off the hook so easily.

she's getting pi$$ed, because the payments have stopped.

Too damned bad.

Mine has done so many stupid things in two and a half years that we've been together, that I wonder if he is capable of dealing with life at all.

From the way you have described things - well - I'll just say that I hope you take some positive actions to streamline your life and improve your future.

I hope you don't let him drive that new car of yours - he would probably wreck it and then somehow blame YOU for it.

Good luck Jewel!

Cheers!

AKDiver

Thanks a lot, akdiver!

Quite frankly, I don't understand his logic about not working while he's waiting for his school to start. The one reason he gave me was that he didn't want to work in his old field any more, and now he wants to do something related to his future career. I said fine, then go find something related now, so when the school starts, you will already have a lot of practicle knowledge about most things that you're gonna study. Looks like he's going to do that. And his school, btw, will be evenings and weekends, so he can work all right.

He's not gonna drive the new car, but to tell you honestly, I kind of rushed into things - I bought the car after I had signed the offer for my second job, and I had no idea the job would cancel. So, my bad. But I can still handle these payments.

I don't normally b**ch about my hubby, this is my first time, I guess

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

]

Generalization is something that people tend to do in all complicated situations (especially men!) 'cause it makes life easier when you can refer to it as to a bunch of set-up categories to solve any problems. That's why men tend to categorize women more often, their mind is less flexible and operates better in the environment of classes, types, groups. That's why there are pickup lines and forums like this!

Spot-on! You have to remember, we're like puppy dogs. (Another generalization.) All we need is food, sleep, and a little attention.

Of course, there are always puppies that are different, so while you can say "all these types of puppies do this" you still have to reserve the right to say "but that one little puppy there, he's different."

Men generalize things because they normally can be generalized. (At least, from a male perspective.)

As for this forum being in existence for the "maintenance of the product", once again, the men on here have a "generalized" position in comparison with men (and women too) on the other forums. If you want to say women from the FSU/CIS/etc., aren't to be traded-in or exchanged, well, take away the men's ability to do that. If there weren't 46,000 women with "looking for a nice man ages 18-80" profiles, men wouldn't be able to generalize them into a category. As soon as the basis for categorization is taken away, the category will be also.

Since not all the wives on here are in that category, I realize there are exceptions to the rule. However, you must rememeber, you are exceptions, not the majority. If you're coming from the same place and same type of scenario (K-1/3, etc.) then you're going to be placed in the same lot. If you don't like it, OK. Instead of throwing your "I don't like being generalized into the same "breed of dog" as every other FSU wife" into this forum, why don't you get on all the FSU/CIS websites full of the women's profiles and let them know they're messing up the stereotyping or profiling of FSU women here in the States. A simple: "Hey, by posting your profile on this site, you're creating an environment where we're viewed in the U.S. as "a breed of dog" that can be traded and maintained. Brought to the U.S. only to cook, clean, and provide pleasure for men. Please stop this now, and let's restore our stereotype in the U.S. as strong and hearty women that drink, smoke, work in factories and have 12 kids each."

It is what it is. We all know what's up. Convincing the rest of the U.S. is going to be a little more difficult.

Oh, and by the way. The guys that are hitting on you that are "respecting you" as a pretty girl, interesting person, and talented journalist first.... they may not say it to you, but what they're saying to their buddies is "dude, I work with this smokin-hot Russian chick. Her husband's some kind of douche, he just brought her here from some mail-order bride site, I'm working on her, so when I get the chance... I'm gonnna..." See, the flip-side of that generalization is also there. The husbands of all you FSU wives are also categorized. It's usually that we're either very rich or, uh hum, "packin"..... I guess I'm lucky cause I have no money!

hmm you too, it must be all the money you spend on the phone bill.

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

Very interesting discussion, and in tune with my current concerns.

But I understand U.S. employers are very reluctant to give long-enough maternity leaves and I don't want to delay having kids.

Marriage can take a lot out of you in the first year. I'm not saying wait to have kids, but starting so fast seems a bit ambitious to me.

I double or triple this. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that it is foolish for ANY couple to have kids within their first two, if not three, years together.

No doubt about that!

Problem is sometimes God (not trying to get religious on you) has other plans. Elena and I are expecting in Sept. we know it will be difficult, we know there are going to be challenges, but to simply state that is foolish, perhaps for you but you can only speak for yourself like everyone here. We made a choice and we will do the best to raise our son in a happy home with love.

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

My fiance is a computer programmer, do you guys think he will be able to find a job rather quickly? He is planning to go through JFK to at least try and get the EAD right away...

Depends entirely on where you live. In Alaska? Sure. In California? Much harder. in Mississippi? Do they even have computers down there?

Cheers!

AKDiver

In mississippi, they do have computers thats what they use to hold up their cars in the front yard when they cant find any cement blocks.

[akdiver 3]

In mississippi, they do have computers thats what they use to hold up their cars in the front yard when they cant find any cement blocks.

...and hope the hurricanes don't wash them away (:

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Satellite 1]

He also seemed surprised that I can't write a check to his ex for child support

And nor should you! I hope you never ever do this and let him off the hook so easily.

Actually based on California Community Property laws, the ex spouse is entitled to all the separate property of Jewel's husband, and all the joint property owned by Jewel with her husband. Thus she can levy on those assets. To protect yourself you must open up a separate bank account and keep any property ownership only in your name. Although it is still technically community property the ex-spouse can't levy upon it without showing intent to defraud which is a higher standard. Just some thoughts from my California Community Property class - not intended to be legal advise.

[akdiver 3]

He also seemed surprised that I can't write a check to his ex for child support

And nor should you! I hope you never ever do this and let him off the hook so easily.

Actually based on California Community Property laws, the ex spouse is entitled to all the separate property of Jewel's husband, and all the joint property owned by Jewel with her husband. Thus she can levy on those assets. To protect yourself you must open up a separate bank account and keep any property ownership only in your name. Although it is still technically community property the ex-spouse can't levy upon it without showing intent to defraud which is a higher standard. Just some thoughts from my California Community Property class - not intended to be legal advise.

Just yet another reason to stay the hell out of California.

Cheers!

AKDiver