Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 4)

[jawi876 2]

Nope, and you never will One of the biggest mistakes I made when he first came here was thinking that I was somehow the "better" one in the relationship. Whether it was because I had a college education, made more money, knew how to read and write perfectly, whatever.... I was inadvertantly treating him as my inferior. Once I saw the light, and starting giving him the respect he deserved and listening to what he had to say and taking his opinion into account, things vastly improved between us. We fought like cats & dogs our first year of marriage. I used to "threaten" him with divorce and sending him back to JA. He'd say please do! I was happier there anyways! I learned that you can't hold a marriage over someones head to get them to change their ways. It will only backfire on you.

We still have our share of fights and disagreements, usually about finances. Neither of us tries to put the other "in line" - we are both stubborn and bull-headed and it probably wouldn't work anyhow!

AMEN!!! AMEN!!! I wasn't trying to call you out...you just came to mind at that moment. kikikiki

That sounds alot like my ex and I never understood it. He'd be all in my face and not even care about seeing our daughter. Ughhhh guys suck sometimes. So glad that relationship is long gone.

I'm glad too. After almost ten years apart, he is still trying to come back too. ewww.

AND if his name is not on the lease then give him a 30 days notice to leave...plain and simple.

Kelly sounds like a broken record. She's been saying the same thing for over the last year. Like my momma say...pi$$ or get off the pot.

And on that note....

I admire ANYones relationship that works....I truly envy those that are in JA/American relationships that work !!! but they are far and few between that "I" know of !!!!

This is true of all relationships - nothing to do with Jamaica. 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce

100% accurate! Most of the relationship struggles are standard stuff that have nothing to do with the man being JAMAICAN.

Preach! I agree - it all comes down to respect and treating your partner as an equal. The money one makes, the degrees, etc. don't mean a thing when it comes to marriage.

You can't go into these relationships (JA/USA) thinking you are his savior and he should be happy that you rescued him from his life of squalor and filth. Third World country does not mean low class man. I hear alot of women and men equate more money to being better. Sad way to look at things.

[*JG* 2]

RhondaP. comes off as a strong and confident woman too, but I have never seen her talk about putting her man in line even if they have an agrument, or she doesn't agree with something he does.

Nope, and you never will One of the biggest mistakes I made when he first came here was thinking that I was somehow the "better" one in the relationship. Whether it was because I had a college education, made more money, knew how to read and write perfectly, whatever.... I was inadvertantly treating him as my inferior. Once I saw the light, and starting giving him the respect he deserved and listening to what he had to say and taking his opinion into account, things vastly improved between us. We fought like cats & dogs our first year of marriage. I used to "threaten" him with divorce and sending him back to JA. He'd say please do! I was happier there anyways! I learned that you can't hold a marriage over someones head to get them to change their ways. It will only backfire on you.

We still have our share of fights and disagreements, usually about finances. Neither of us tries to put the other "in line" - we are both stubborn and bull-headed and it probably wouldn't work anyhow!

That is one thing I've never said and never will. And, I hate when someone else does. Please don't think I am bashing when I say this cause I really do believe everyone reacts differently in different situations and is allowed to think what they want.........but, I've always felt like I would see my husband as a possession if I said I could/would send him back. We have always looked at each other together as a married partnership. I have no rights to even think I could just ship him off and be done with any problems. And, he looks as that sentiment as him running away from any problems. That one sentence that bugs me so many times has been/is never spoken in our house.

Oh I forgot to add. I don't own my own home, we live in an apartment, that I've lived in for over 10yrs. With VERY VERY nosey neighbors !!!

HONEY!!! I would sign a new lease and request a different apartment WITHOUT his name on the lease. I would transfer service on all the utilities and let his crazy behind sit in his apartment alone. He wouldn't have to leave...I would. He won't have much use for the apartment when they come to put him out. LOL. LOL.

AND if his name is not on the lease then give him a 30 days notice to leave...plain and simple.

Kelly sounds like a broken record. She's been saying the same thing for over the last year. Like my momma say...pi$$ or get off the pot.

I do get what Kelly is saying, though. He has rights too and once she entered into the marriage and permanent resident status, it's not so cut and dried as to how to get out of it.

[jawi876 2]

I do get what Kelly is saying, though. He has rights too and once she entered into the marriage and permanent resident status, it's not so cut and dried as to how to get out of it.

Yes he has rights, and so does she. He seems to think he is entitled to a free ride from her. If he were an American citizen, she would have to find a way to get him out then too. I hate that his big grown behind is riding on her back like she is a field mule just because the government made her sign paperwork. He will probably be the one to go and get public assistance just to torture her more.

Sorry excuse for a man. I'm sorry Kelly, I just got heated up thinking about it.

[*JG* 2]

Nope, and you never will One of the biggest mistakes I made when he first came here was thinking that I was somehow the "better" one in the relationship. Whether it was because I had a college education, made more money, knew how to read and write perfectly, whatever.... I was inadvertantly treating him as my inferior. Once I saw the light, and starting giving him the respect he deserved and listening to what he had to say and taking his opinion into account, things vastly improved between us. We fought like cats & dogs our first year of marriage. I used to "threaten" him with divorce and sending him back to JA. He'd say please do! I was happier there anyways! I learned that you can't hold a marriage over someones head to get them to change their ways. It will only backfire on you.

We still have our share of fights and disagreements, usually about finances. Neither of us tries to put the other "in line" - we are both stubborn and bull-headed and it probably wouldn't work anyhow!

AMEN!!! AMEN!!! I wasn't trying to call you out...you just came to mind at that moment. kikikiki

That sounds alot like my ex and I never understood it. He'd be all in my face and not even care about seeing our daughter. Ughhhh guys suck sometimes. So glad that relationship is long gone.

I'm glad too. After almost ten years apart, he is still trying to come back too. ewww.

AND if his name is not on the lease then give him a 30 days notice to leave...plain and simple.

Kelly sounds like a broken record. She's been saying the same thing for over the last year. Like my momma say...pi$$ or get off the pot.

And on that note....

I admire ANYones relationship that works....I truly envy those that are in JA/American relationships that work !!! but they are far and few between that "I" know of !!!!

This is true of all relationships - nothing to do with Jamaica. 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce

100% accurate! Most of the relationship struggles are standard stuff that have nothing to do with the man being JAMAICAN.

Preach! I agree - it all comes down to respect and treating your partner as an equal. The money one makes, the degrees, etc. don't mean a thing when it comes to marriage.

You can't go into these relationships (JA/USA) thinking you are his savior and he should be happy that you rescued him from his life of squalor and filth. Third World country does not mean low class man. I hear alot of women and men equate more money to being better. Sad way to look at things.

You can't go into it being the one being played for those exact reasons you stated in your last paragraph either. I've heard so many stories of men doing just that. Well, to be fair, women too. And, I'm not just talking JA here either. The visa journey in itself is sometimes the very definition of these. I heard some sad stories just the Saturday before last from people of all differen regions on this forum.

Not saying it is all bad either. There were truly inspiring stories as well. Just a point.

I think that's one of the biggest changes in a lot of the people I know. They went into it all so trusting and came out much more cautious from what they have seen and heard.

[Shemmy 4]

I do get what Kelly is saying, though. He has rights too and once she entered into the marriage and permanent resident status, it's not so cut and dried as to how to get out of it.

I understand what Kelly is saying too. But how long is she going to be miserable?? She keeps saying the same thing over and over again. No one said it would be easy. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing about it.

[rhondapayter 0]

Shoot girl, no worries at all !!! Like I said....that there are only a FEW relationships that are "still in tact" and that are truly happy, healthy, prosperous and whatever other positive words you want to use

Oh, but I forgot to include that those relationships are for those that HAVE their men here !!!

Actually there are quite a few of us whose relationships are still in tact! Maybe I need to post it on here - we need some positive news

Still going strong:

Rhonda & Tony

Mindy

Jomo

Jonesie

Shemonya (sjb1221)

Elizabeth & Henry

Squitto

Julie (sbys)

Jax (Belwinmills)

Brownskin (Dee & Dave) - had their problems, but back on strong

Who am I forgetting? I only included those that are both here in the U.S. and have been married for a good amount of time now. It can be done! Feel free to start a "newbie" list too of those just married or just moved here in the past 3-6 months or so. I'm a bit shaky on all the names still.

Some of these ladies don't frequent the board much anymore, but they're still together. Also, my friend Jackie and her husband (some of you may remember her from VJ) are doing great! They got married about 4 months before Tony and I.

So that's my happy, cheerful news for the day :energetic:

Edited November 8, 2007 by rhondapayter

[luvtravlin 0]

And whether or not our husbands are here or not means absolutely nothing to the matter in which we handle our relationships.

You are in for so many surprises when the time comes. You have no idea......

Right on !!! Yeah...right..... to be young again !!

[*JG* 2]

I do get what Kelly is saying, though. He has rights too and once she entered into the marriage and permanent resident status, it's not so cut and dried as to how to get out of it.

Yes he has rights, and so does she. He seems to think he is entitled to a free ride from her. If he were an American citizen, she would have to find a way to get him out then too. I hate that his big grown behind is riding on her back like she is a field mule just because the government made her sign paperwork. He will probably be the one to go and get public assistance just to torture her more.

Sorry excuse for a man. I'm sorry Kelly, I just got heated up thinking about it.

Oh, I am definately with you on this one.

I just know from talking to her, it's not always as cut and dried as the suggestions I give. I'm sure there is a way and she will figure it out one day. I also know she needs to be safe about it for her sake and the sake of her son. Violent men can't be allowed to do as they please; but they always do add worry to your level of security and should be approached with some amount of caution.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Call me - I'll teach you

Seriously, reading it is the best start. Whether it's on this board or another Jacan board (Dancehallreggae.com or Jamaicans.com) - reading the words out loud will get you started. I think Jamaicans.com actually has a link that says some common words and phrases via Windows so you can hear the pronounciation.

Nooooo....don't send them to DHR, they be SLAUGHTERED!!!

[*JG* 2]

I do get what Kelly is saying, though. He has rights too and once she entered into the marriage and permanent resident status, it's not so cut and dried as to how to get out of it.

I understand what Kelly is saying too. But how long is she going to be miserable?? She keeps saying the same thing over and over again. No one said it would be easy. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing about it.

Have you yourself ever been in an abusive relationship?

[rhondapayter 0]

My ex wouldn't teach me either, although that's all he would speak at home. I learned by taking my time reading and sounding it out aloud. It took me forever, and I could never keep up with all the posts, but I got it. I'm still not confident enough to speak it, unless I'm upset.

I can't sound it out loud at work - people will be looking at me funny if I start talking to myself! I'll have to try to do some at home even though I rarely get online at home. Are there any books out there? They have every other language under the sun! Jawi, maybe you should write one! An English/Patois translation book!!

[*JG* 2]

I used to have a book just as you described a long time ago Rhonda. Wonder what I did with that?

[rhondapayter 0]

Well, what about school? Is it taught in school?

Let me rephrase again............how many different ways have you seen Patois written? I mentioned some above. Are there more? You've got me curious now.

As far as credible, I'm not sure on that one. I do know I understand it so much better in the spoken form. Probably some learning defect in me that way.

As far as I know, it is NOT taught in school at all. What confuses me is there doesn't seem to be one certain way to spell things. That's why it's sometimes hard to read. Everyone spells it how they think it should be spelled. I gaurantee if I told Tony to write me a note in Patois, he wouldn't even know where to start. I think most Jamaican's know how to speak it, but not write/read it. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Yaads 0]

Shoot girl, no worries at all !!! Like I said....that there are only a FEW relationships that are "still in tact" and that are truly happy, healthy, prosperous and whatever other positive words you want to use

Oh, but I forgot to include that those relationships are for those that HAVE their men here !!!

Actually there are quite a few of us whose relationships are still in tact! Maybe I need to post it on here - we need some positive news

Still going strong:

Rhonda & Tony

Mindy

Jomo

Jonesie

Shemonya (sjb1221)

Elizabeth & Henry

Squitto

Julie (sbys)

Jax (Belwinmills)

Brownskin (Dee & Dave) - had their problems, but back on strong

Who am I forgetting? I only included those that are both here in the U.S. and have been married for a good amount of time now. It can be done! Feel free to start a "newbie" list too of those just married or just moved here in the past 3-6 months or so. I'm a bit shaky on all the names still.

Some of these ladies don't frequent the board much anymore, but they're still together. Also, my friend Jackie and her husband (some of you may remember her from VJ) are doing great! They got married about 4 months before Tony and I.

So that's my happy, cheerful news for the day :energetic:

You have Darah (doodle) and Henry and US! Jamie and Andre - still have problems but getting stronger every day.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

I'm sorry to...but trust me, I'll be okay. I thank god EVERYday that I have my friends that I met with on VJ that support me and are there for me everyday....and you know who you guys are !!!!! If not, than I would have jumped off the nearest bridge long ago !!

Unfortunately, "I" don't have many options at this point.... I can't get a separation because he LIVES here. In Maryland you have to be legally separated for a yr before you can file for divorce. Hence, I can't MAKE him leave.

Number 2, in regards to a protection order, I haven't looked into the filing a separation 1st....but I do know that I have to show proof that he's been abusive, or whatever else.... we've been there done that, bought the T-shirt (2 1/2 months ag)....he CHANGED (for the better) for a month and now back to square one. I told him last night (in one of his rages) IF he were to even TRY to even get physical again, remember that "I" was REEEEEAL nice the 1st time !!!! and there are absolutely NO 2nd chances !!!

Also, since I've been supporting all of us financially from day one (although he's been working nonstop since July of LAST year) "I" don't have ANY extra money to pay for him to leave, nor do I feel "I" need to pay for him to leave. He throws that "you are responsible for me" in my face (his cousin tells him that) and I tell him.........um, ya betta watch what you say with that because "I" could soooo show proof that this was fraud, so you may want to think of something else !!!

He threatens ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the time that he is going to leave, but he needs money. I do NOT UNDERSTAND why he just won't go and stay with that good ole family in Philly !!! His brother knows everything and how he's been treating me, etc etc and I told him that he NEEDS to get out of here. Not quite sure they take me seriously.

I say to him all the time, wow you REALLY put up quite an act for being such a wonderful person BEFORE you got here.......seriously, have you ever really and truly thought about an acting career ?? He says, I wasn't acting.... yeah, okay !!!

He's immature, plain and simple..... he'll grow up someday, but "I" won't be around to see that happen. I said that "I" am training him to be a better person for the next one !!

I find it difficult to believe that you REALLY want to him leave.....why would you pick him up, drop him off anywhere? Or pick up the phone when he called from the wedding?

Or speak to his relatives?

If you think there's a chance, then you need to work on that, if there is NO chance and you REALLY want to get rid of him, it's easy enough.

Don't speak to him, don't cook for him, don't answer the phone to him, don't go anywhere with him....While it's not my business, from I've seen, you SAY you want him out, but put up with him being there.