My wife is sad

[Kevin and 10]

My wife is sad. She is still at home with her parents. I know is customary for the wife to move out after she is married and I am supposed to support her. I should be sending more money to her, but getting the visa and saving for airline tickets isn't leaving me with much left over. They are giving her a hard time because of this. She said she was going to get a job, but I want her to spend time with her family before she come to the US. Its sucks not being there for her. I told her not to listen to what people say because they don't understand, but I know she does . Its her parents. Sorry I just had to vent some.

[s2convt 0]

My wife is sad. She is still at home with her parents. I know is customary for the wife to move out after she is married and I am supposed to support her. I should be sending more money to her, but getting the visa and saving for airline tickets isn't leaving me with much left over. They are giving her a hard time because of this. She said she was going to get a job, but I want her to spend time with her family before she come to the US. Its sucks not being there for her. I told her not to listen to what people say because they don't understand, but I know she does . Its her parents. Sorry I just had to vent some.

What did her parents do for money before you came along? I am paying for the wedding, visa expenses etc. but my fiancee is also working. She wants me to know that she will not be a burden to me but rather help me with the finances that arise in life.

You may want to have a heart to heart with your fiancee. Family is good but marrying a USC is not like hitting the lottery.

[MissStacey 1]

You are being responsible and cautious with your money right now. You shouldn't have to feel bad about that. I know it is a tough situation right now, but it won't be forever.

[Billy 0]

You need to have a talk with your fiancee. My in law also think that I have a lot money to spend on them. People who live oversea do not understand life here in USA. I guess, they only see nice things on tv, and misunderstand the real life here. I help them the best I can.

Billy

Edited April 3, 2007 by Billy

[Niels Bohr 72]

That is very unfortunate. Very tough.

[Kevin&Loan 0]

KDragon,

There are a few things I am going to tell you as it is and I do hope you are taking them as advices rather than ill wills toward your wife and her family.

First of all, why does she have to move out? Did she tell you that it is "customary" for her to move out after the marriage or is it what you wanted? It makes perfect sense if you guys are together but it does sounds odd when she is over there and you are being here stateside.

Secondly, what's wrong it her working? She will only work 8 hours a day, there are still another 16 hours in a day to spend time with her family, plus the weekends. Let her goes to work. Your case is still in the early stage, your wife probably won't have an interview untill 6 months from now. With your current state of financial, 6 months worth of salary sure does count for something.

Thirdly, if her family is giving her a hard time because you are not sending her money, you must make it clear to them that her daughter marries a human being, not a money printing machine. This type of mind-set is not uncommon among Vietnamese families that have daughters married to "Viet Kieu". Trust me, you give them one hundred dollars today, they will ask for one thousand tomorrow. Of course, her family now has a "Viet Kieu" in her family, thus their house must be the biggest one in the block, their scooters must be the most expensive ones. The list goes on and on.

What I say here might be drastic but everyone on this board know how true it is. I would hate to see you are being misled. Other than that, good luck to you.

[ridejewel 0]

I agree, it smells funny. My fiancee, now wife, never asked me for money, nor did her family. That's not a normal practice. And, I for sure, did not want my fiancee living alone, without her family...how lonely and horrible would that be?

[Kevin and 10]

Her brother is a USC so he sends money to the family. He got into an argument over this with the family on Saturday. What I think is happening is her friends want her to spend money on them because she is "rich" now. So she has to ask her parents for money to do things. then they argue with her about it. I can see how her parents would get upset over this. I'll have to explain to her again that I can't afford to keep giving her money to spend on entertaining her friends. Thank guys.

[Niels Bohr 72]

My wife has no family in Cambodia. She lives with an old sick woman. All she does is take care of the house for her. I give her $300 every month, more than an average farmer in Cambodia makes in a year.

Edited April 3, 2007 by consolemaster

[Sweet Love 0]

Her brother is a USC so he sends money to the family. He got into an argument over this with the family on Saturday. What I think is happening is her friends want her to spend money on them because she is "rich" now. So she has to ask her parents for money to do things. then they argue with her about it. I can see how her parents would get upset over this. I'll have to explain to her again that I can't afford to keep giving her money to spend on entertaining her friends. Thank guys.

I agree with Kevin&Loan.

Also from above you said. She doesn't know how to excuse to her friends? Her parents suck.

You are her best friend - husband not a money machine.

[tway22 0]

Not to sound to negative, but it's the folks that come back to VN and spend money like they are rich in the States that makes it hard for the honest folks. These people spend so lavishly but in reality they don't have much money in the US. So, VN folks think that everyone in the States have lots and lots of money. 100 bucks in VN is alot of money but in the States...it's nothing espcially with bills and bills to pay. I have to work so much overtime just to save up some money to go back and see my fiance. Good thing she and her family understands this and so they never ask for money. First of all, I've never really heard of parent's telling their kids to move out after being married to a USC. She needs her family more than ever because you are not there with her. It can get lonely for her if she moves out on her own, I certainly think my fiance would be lonely living by herself. Seems everyone in VN has money problems when they have a "Viet Kieu" in their family. Trust me, I am a native born of VN. Of course I send money back to my fiance, but I don't want to spoil her. I give her enough to spend on herself and maybe her siblings, because you have to know that they were doing just fine before she me you. But, this is me just ranting. Sorry if I stepped on anyone's foot.

[*JG* 2]

This has been a topic of argument between me, my husband, and his family since he came here. They want, they want, they want........and when you do manage to scrape enough to give, they want more. Andre is to the point where he stopped taking Jamaica calls or tells them the money tree in the back yard has not started sprouting yet.

What I did was make a budget of exactly how much we make and then how much we pay in bills. Everyone understood after that.....there is none left. Sorry.

[Donna A 4]

supporting her when she lives with u is understandable but trying to support two households is almost impossable. they have to understand that.

[chuckandkim 0]

Totally agree with tway22! In addition, Viet Kieu would be stupid to act and throw their money around like it’s trash. I personally never spent money on anything that someone else already did, like going out for breakfast/lunch/dinner, Vietnamese love to prove that they have more money than you by paying for your lunch/dinner where we Americans would just share the build evenly if not paying for our own meals. I wouldn’t reach for my wallet unless it was my idea and invitation to have dinner, then I’ll pay for it. Most of the friends I know, are now wealthy and would consider them are a lot richer than me. Business is opening up to the people in VN, they make money, a lot of it. So with your few extra dollars from America, barely buy them a “BIA OM” session. Not that I know anything about it

But the point is to take it easy with the spending spree, you are NOBODY in Vietnam. Viet Kieu or not, you are just another Average Joe in Saigon. 10 – 20 years ago, yeah maybe you were somebody to the Vietnamese in VN, but not now, and never will be again. Remember, there will always be someone is a lot richer and wealthier than you in VN.

KDragon, you still can back out if you feel this is not right! Just to be franked!

1. Good girl from good family would not move out her parents’ home without her husband.

2. Decent and honorable family would not have their engaged-daughter moves out on her own when her husband is not here for “traditional value” and “economic reason”

3. Asking for money directly or indirectly is a shameful act for any self-respecting Vietnamese parents

4. It is a duty and responsibility of the SON of a Vietnamese family to support his parents, not the daughter. Daughter gets married and she belongs to her husband’s family.

5. Her friends “think” she is now rich because she is engaged to a Viet Kieu. How do you know if she doesn’t believe it also?

6. Remember you can not buy love, there are other men out there with a lot more cash than you who would be interested in taking over your wife once she gets here. If this marriage based on love and MONEY as a condition for it to work! Beware!

7. She should and MUST work. Free times to seat around and being around her family while waiting to come to America will do her more harm than good.

8. She lives with her family her whole life, why changes because she’s engaged and her husband is not here.

9. You are NOT paying for other’s free-lunch/dinner

10. Buying lunch/dinner for others only when it’s special event (i.e. successful interview and Visa in hand)

11. Your money is NOT theirs or HER, not yet. You need to set the rule up and have them understand you will not paying for anyone anything if you don’t see it justify according to your standard.

12. No, you are not marrying her whole family although sometimes it does seem that way.

13. On and on with the money issue would ruin your marriage.

[tway22 0]

Vietnamese love to prove that they have more money than you by paying for your lunch/dinner where we Americans would just share the build evenly if not paying for our own meals.

Chuckandkim,

I agree with everything you said except the quote above, well, to some degree. It's a Vietnamese thing, that we always pull out our wallets first and pay for everything especially when we are out with family and close friends. It's not that we are trying to prove we have more money than the next person. It kind of goes this way, you pay this time, i'll pay next. So it just goes to the next person the next time we go out and eat or do other events. This is only for close friends and family though. When I go out with my friends to dinner every week, I pull out my wallet and pay for everything but the following week someone else will do the same. Although you could be right to some extent. There are people who just loves to show off that they have money.

Totally agree though, don't make everything about money....Money ruins relationships.

Edited April 4, 2007 by tway22