How to Bend Time: The Paradox of Speaking LESS

[Rob & Monika 87]

My wife is not a techie either, and her cell phone is one of those ancient flip phones where you use the numbers to make letters...I feel awful making her type out on that thing..lol. For us, there wasn't much texting at all, a few messages throughout the day, not really deep or anything. At the end of the day if we were both available we would talk on the phone for about an hour. There were days where she would just pour out everything and I would just listen, and other days where we didn't know what to say. To fill in those days where we didn't have much to say, we had found various sources of questions...I think there was one website that had 200 questions to ask your partner before getting married, and books that had questions like that. In the beginning when everything is new, it's easy to connect, but after that you have to find ways to get connected. We also discussed a few books over the phone, even read together.

I think there needs to be a set time for communication. A typical male does not multitask well. If he's focused at work, too many text messages can become a distraction that will keep him from being able to focus on work. Our calls were typically scheduled from 9-10pm, but sometimes went longer if needed. That may be all he's asking for, a set time to talk so he knows when to switch to communication mode and when he's able to focus on other things.

[S & P 10]

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder...."

During this process I found that statement to be both very true and very false at different times.

Sometimes I needed to hear the sound of his voice several times a day just to get through, needed so much reassurance.

Sometimes feeling like we had to speak everyday and ending up talking about nothing things like the weather, just seemed too forced. So we talked about it and decided that we would talk when we really had something to say... but with the understanding that if either one of us needed just to hear the other even breathe on the other end of the phone and talk about nothing just to feel better, that was okay too.

We wrote more letters to each other, snail mail, and I must say every letter we wrote during that time is a cherished thing now. I found that when I had to stop and write and think and didn't have immediate response from him verbally or physically, I looked deeper at my love, saw him more clearly, found that it fueled what I had in my heart for him so much more than many conversations. In many ways that kind of distance made us stronger. Personally I found it took more love and commitment to communicate this way.

Over the past three years that he's been here and we've been married, we've found that when the routine of life takes over and we get to see each other constantly, that sometimes we start to take each other for granted , that burning crazy passion wanes, and we start to feel like every other couple that didn't have to go through what we did just to be together and seem to forget how fortunate each moment together is..... and that seriously SUCKS! Easy can be very hard on a relationship sometimes.

Fortunately, because we didn't take the easy way with constant communication when we were apart, we both know how to reignite this amazing passion and love we have for each other..... stop and take a moment, write each other a letter, a note, or go pick out a card, effort...making that effort is the cure!

I feel fortunate now that my love was someone that lived far away, that we had to go through what we did be together, I don't know or see many couples that treat each other or seem to love each other the way or as much as my husband and I do, even after 7 years of being with each other, 3 of them married.

So... all of this long winded post to say.... don't worry, it's not necessarily a bad sign that he wants to communicate less, could just mean he loves you so much he wants to keep each communication something to cherish. IMHO

Good luck to you both on your journey!!

Edited August 19, 2014 by S & P

[sharda 8]

I feel your frustration. Communication is essential when having a long distance relationship. I talk with my husband every day, early in the morning we text each other making sure all is well, later in the day we text again as I go on my lunch break at work , when I leave work he text me, sometimes during the day we do BBM and send pic MSG via BBM like stuff we are having for lunch which does make your day faster, we also do Skype once a week. We talk on the phone every night for at least 2 to 2 1/2 hours. We used to see each other once a month where he would come one month and then I would go the other month ( don't talk about the good bye, I used to cry every time we have to say good bye but most time he would cheer me up and say don't worry in 2 to 3 weeks time you will see me ) since my petition we see each other like every 6 to 7 weeks ( which is fair enough) , I only went once and is going again end of August, however I control my emotions more now that I know we are one step closer in being together.

I couldn't agree with you more, when you say that using the relationship for a green card from Canada. We do have lots more benefits in Canada it all just because of LOVE.

Good luck to you and all the best, hope it all works out for you!!!!!.

Just be patient and have faith.!!!!!!

[keysjangle 145]

I was always raised to never make a person/thing the centre of my universe. It leads to being obsessive about them/it, and if you lose that person or thing - your world crashes to a halt and life feels like it's over. You also lose sight of all the other things which require your attention or will better you. I love my husband, very very veeerrry much, but not talking didn't make me feel empty, and I wasn't miserable if we weren't in constant communication. I wasn't totally dependent on him for my emotional well-being, I guess I could say. We had lots of visits back and forth which I would say played a part in how okay I was with less communication; the most time we spent apart was maybe 8 months over a few years. But I wasn't going to put my life on hold in Canada. I was in university, working a lot, and I had a busy social life.

We had plenty of time together and communication while apart to know lots about each other, but I never got any wild questions at the border during visits or at my interview.

There has to be balance in everything we do Our jobs, our personal relationships, and especially our romantic relationships. That is how I've always lived and I've never felt that deep loneliness while separated that people post about.

Edited August 20, 2014 by Gervl

[CanadianMom 45]

Looking back DH and I both value the time we had (although it had a lot of downsides) where we could only talk on the phone, or online. We really got to know each other without all the physical stuff and the distractions when you're in person. We never went a day without at least a quick phone call, and most days we talked several times often for a few hours. We fell asleep talking so many times.

We used to watch movies together on the phone, or watch a tv show we both liked. It felt more like you were doing something together.

DH has gone down to take care of some domicile stuff and is going to be gone for a few weeks. He doesn't have a phone right now, so we can only email of talk on Facebook messenger when he's somewhere with wifi. We shoot each other a message or email a pic whenever we can. It hasn't been much, but I can't imagine purposefully not talking to my husband.

[NikLR 13,227]

I was asked at interview, over a year ago now, how we kept in communication since we only visited every 3 months.

I answered that we basically lived on Skype and used gtalk when we weren't home. The CO seemed pretty happy with that answer, (he said it raised another question in his mind but it wasn't appropriate to ask... I'm sure you can guess.. LOL).

[Marco&Bettina 502]

The last couple posts reminded me that we also send each other a selfie every day & have been doing that since Oct 2013.

[kc247 22]

I think every relationship is different & you need to do whatever works for the both of you.

For me & my now husband, when we were doing the K1 process we texted quite constantly. We both understood we had our own lives and we might send a message and if the other person didn't answer for awhile, we knew they were busy doing their own thing. If I was going out with friends I would send him a text and say I'd be out with them for a couple hours and he might not hear from me. Same if he was busy. We would skype at least once a week, more if possible. It all worked for us. Communication was important for us during that time. Every month or so I would send him a package, some Canadian chocolate bars or things like that. He'd send me written letters quite regularly, he was better at that than I was.

But I think you just need to do what you both feel keeps the relationship stronger. Is he not willing to learn how to use the internet or a computer or phone in order to keep in contact with you better?

[LiliBurd 85]

Long distant may suck but it's something we chose. Of course there are obstacles and downsides but that's life. We view this time as a possibility to build our relationship and learn to get over hardships together. For us supporting each other means talking as much as we can and reassuring the other person if they need. Everyone is different and if this works for you then that's great.

Good luck to everyone on this crazy journey!