African male culture...

[ursy 0]

MONEY - Reading these post me make understand the money situation more. I was beginning to feel I was being taken for a ride, by having to pay most if not all of the bills, while he keeps his money to select what he pays. But now I understand more. I have recently given him the list of all the bills and he stored it somewhere, so we can cut confusion on how much HAS to go back out. But learning the financing/buying process has been a headache for me.

Communication - Our communication lines have been broken....lol Most of the time he misunderstands what I'm saying and don't bother to get a clarification. So it leads to his own assumption which 9 times out of 10 is wrong. So I am working on this. Sometimes when we have misunderstanding, I try to communicate with him and he will just sit there and look at me, never say a word. At first I thought it was that he was thinking of what to say. But now I believe he uses it to try to anger/hurt me, but I have learned to just walk away from it and pick it up when he is talking. Pick the more necessary important battles.

Has anyone did any martial counseling? I keep thinking maybe a neutral party could help, but then I don't know. I know someone told me that in Nigeria, the elders would get with the couple and talk with them and help them through the difficult times. But here I wouldn't want to put my family in a position to have to like or not like him for something we may be going through temporary. People are human and I rather not venture out to find out how they would react, if they react at all. But counseling is not out!!! I just want to say that the one African Female that I can say any and everything to, says all the time "that is how African Men are." And I don't think that is fair to say??

If anyone is in the Texas area I surely would like to communicate more about this and maybe they can share with me.

what part of Texas are you in????? I live in Louisiana and I may not be too far from you?

[LovinLiberia 0]

I'm in Texas, also. I just moved to Houston last week. I would love to get to know some of you who are in the same area.

[blah0323 0]

MONEY - Reading these post me make understand the money situation more. I was beginning to feel I was being taken for a ride, by having to pay most if not all of the bills, while he keeps his money to select what he pays. But now I understand more. I have recently given him the list of all the bills and he stored it somewhere, so we can cut confusion on how much HAS to go back out. But learning the financing/buying process has been a headache for me.

Communication - Our communication lines have been broken....lol Most of the time he misunderstands what I'm saying and don't bother to get a clarification. So it leads to his own assumption which 9 times out of 10 is wrong. So I am working on this. Sometimes when we have misunderstanding, I try to communicate with him and he will just sit there and look at me, never say a word. At first I thought it was that he was thinking of what to say. But now I believe he uses it to try to anger/hurt me, but I have learned to just walk away from it and pick it up when he is talking. Pick the more necessary important battles.

Has anyone did any martial counseling? I keep thinking maybe a neutral party could help, but then I don't know. I know someone told me that in Nigeria, the elders would get with the couple and talk with them and help them through the difficult times. But here I wouldn't want to put my family in a position to have to like or not like him for something we may be going through temporary. People are human and I rather not venture out to find out how they would react, if they react at all. But counseling is not out!!! I just want to say that the one African Female that I can say any and everything to, says all the time "that is how African Men are." And I don't think that is fair to say??

If anyone is in the Texas area I surely would like to communicate more about this and maybe they can share with me.

what part of Texas are you in????? I live in Louisiana and I may not be too far from you?

I'm in the Austin area.

I'm in Texas, also. I just moved to Houston last week. I would love to get to know some of you who are in the same area.

Your only a couple of hours away from me. And you on the count down to your trip...how exciting.

[lovetolaugh 0]

Hello ladies, I am just slightly confused about this African man and his behavior towards me. Is it cultural or is he simply not interested in holding the relationship together???? He is from the Yoruba culture and it probably would be wise for me to search that on the internet. That is my next step. We have been on line together for over a year now and we have been talking marriage.

So here is where I get confused. For about 8 months this man pursued me relentllessly, online three times as much as he is now. For 8 months he was attentive and available all the time. Then..... finally I make a committment to work towards more than friendship after eight months of pursuit and everything changes. He is now emailing me once a week and yahoo on Saturdays are cut down to 1 1/2 hour chats. He no longer comes on line Sundays to chat either. The man continues to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to marry me, yet he does not prove to me that he wants this relationship to move forward. I have confirmed that he is not a scammer, so I wonder what is going on with him.

It almost seems that he is available to me only when it is convenient for him and not for me. I have asked him if he could email me more than once a week. I explained the communication has dwindled down to almost nothing and we are just going to drift apart if we don't increase the communication. You see I phone him all the time and he has NEVER, not once asked me to phone him. In the last couple days he made these comments "Well I knew you would call". So...have I made it too easy for him???.

From what I see his friends and his social life come first before me. For example, this Saturday he got off work early but said "I don't think I will be on line" he was going to a festival with his friends for the evening. He sent me one email this week and he can't even take "one hour" or geesh "1/2 hour" of his time to talk to me on IM before he gooes. It's like 3 pm in the afternoon, make the time for me. HIS arrangements for me to phone were to call him at 11pm or 12 midnight so that he was home and everything was quiet and that he could concentrate on our conversation. So get this! Everytime I called he's alseep and I have to wake him up. He's tired and not into talking so I have to make all the conversation. He sounds like a little boy. I have called him spontaneoulsy mid afternnoon when he is full of energy and he sounds like a man. That is who I want to talk to when I phone. But NO, I get the left overs at the end of the day when he is finished with his social life.

I asked him a couple of times to change his time for me and he was not prepared to. I asked him why he couldn't just be home at 9pm to received my call before he went to sleep and his reply is "I dont know".. HUH??? What kind of stupid answer is that? Sounds like he is just a selfish man who is only going to put into the relationship what is easy for him. I need more and what I am asking of him is not impossible.

Oh and by the way, two days ago I decided to take my dignity back. I will no longer be calling unless he lets me know he wants my phone call. And oh yah... if he wants me to phone it better be at least and one to two before bedtime .. otherwise we just try again some other nite. And i will no longer be emailing him unless he emails me. I have expressed already what I need from him and if I dont see some changes. I'm movin on ladies. Actually I have already. I am back on a dating site and no longer exclusive to him. I deserve the best and I am not settling.

Anyways ladies, thanks for letting me vent. LOL Not sure if this is the African Yoruba man or just simply a selfish man concerned about his own needs. If you have any advise I would be sure glad to hear it.

Anna

Hello everyone.

Me and my SO having been living together for almost 6 months now. He's from Ethiopia and I'm American. Our relationships isn't what I expected at all. He's a loving and gentle guy. I'm fairly laid back person but we are constantly arguing over things that later turn out to be misunderstandings or cultural differences. I am really having a hard time. We try to discuss things but I end up feeling REALLY frustrated. I'm just curious. Are there some cultural issues that I am missing?

Money. He likes having nice things. When he wasn't working I took care of both of us and he just didn't understand why the finances caused me stress. Now that he's been working, he's all about saving his money and thinking about the future. And he doesn't want me to know exactly how much money he has. he says that in his culture women don't ask men how much money they have. We are figuring out a compromise and a financial plan. But I was shocked that he just has a hard time understanding living expenses and bills. He seems reluctant to spend a lot of money on bills. He says that when he was home he always had money to spend and that he expected to have alot of money once he started working. My response was, "welcome to America. we're all broke" I say this slightly jokingly. We live in DC, which is one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Listening. He doesn't like to listen to me sometimes. When he first got here in June we were going to a get together. He wanted to wear his leather jacket. I was like, its too hot for leather. He just wouldn't listen to me. Finally I was insistent that he could not wear it he gave in. Its very hot in July even at night. I just couldn't understand why he didn't believe me. That's the perfect example of what I don't get. I love him and want to help him understand how things work here but i swear to God, he's quick to disagree with me. I can't force him to listen but sometimes its a drain.

Communication. This is getting a little bit better. But my husband just doesn't like explaining things. And no matter how many times we agree to communicate, it just doesn't work out that way.

Anyway, I want to make our relationship work. I'd welcome some insights.

Sonya

[ursy 0]

I'm in Texas, also. I just moved to Houston last week. I would love to get to know some of you who are in the same area.

I live in Louisiana but I visit Houston often.

[Taye500 0]

I'm in Denton TX. You can contact me @ Taye500@charter.net

[Ta Ta 1]

Anna Marie.....this behaviour is NOT yoruba culture. He clearly has stepped over the line here.

He is not interested in communicating with you, that is very obvious in what you are decribing.

Move on and do not allow this man to use you. I don't believe he is focused on you at all.

Forget him. Today. Now.

[lovetolaugh 0]

Thank you, I believe that you are right. I have known that in my heart for some time now but just needed to hear it from someone else. I appreciate the clarity that you have given. Thankfully , God prepared my heart this weekend to finally let go. The best is out there for me and I dont believe it is Hakeem. Anna

Anna Marie.....this behaviour is NOT yoruba culture. He clearly has stepped over the line here.

He is not interested in communicating with you, that is very obvious in what you are decribing.

Move on and do not allow this man to use you. I don't believe he is focused on you at all.

Forget him. Today. Now.

[Ta Ta 1]

Thank you, I believe that you are right. I have known that in my heart for some time now but just needed to hear it from someone else. I appreciate the clarity that you have given. Thankfully , God prepared my heart this weekend to finally let go. The best is out there for me and I dont believe it is Hakeem. Anna

Anna Marie.....this behaviour is NOT yoruba culture. He clearly has stepped over the line here.

He is not interested in communicating with you, that is very obvious in what you are decribing.

Move on and do not allow this man to use you. I don't believe he is focused on you at all.

Forget him. Today. Now.

You are a precious lady that deserves the very best. You will find someone who will truly

demonstrate his love for you and the desire to talk with you whenever possible.

I wish you the very best......never settle for less.

The switch from his online availability is a huge red flag.

You made your request for increased communication clear and HE chose the consequences

of not compromising his " social life ". he made his choice....now you made yours.

Good for you.......you go girl !!!

It's a new year

[lovetolaugh 0]

I would love a copy of those lessons. You can email me at afroese1@mts.net. How did you get a copy to Kwabena or are you just using your copy. Thanks so much.

I have been reading all the posts from this thread. I have enjoyed it a lot. Since someone has mentioned something about premarital counseling, my pastor emailed me a couple months ago, about 22 lessons of premarital counseling for Kwabena and I. We have been doing them over the phone and after he gets here, we'll do some with the pastor. But these lessons are great, I could have never imagined talking about all these things before getting married. It has really given us the opportunity to grow and know each other better. It is better to discuss all these things before marriage, rather then after. If anyone wants the lessons, I can email them to you. Don't think they are only for before the marriage, because my pastor has been married many years and they have began to do the lessons too. Ok so anyone, if you will like to have them, send me your email, I believe you'll really enjoy.

[lovetolaugh 0]

Yep me too! Basically that was my long winded question earlier. Is lack of communication and inability to partnership with me cultural or is he simply a selfish man? Still trying to find that out. I however, at this point am frustrated and unsure about the relationship. I was making plans to travel to Nigeria to meet him in March/07 but am no longer prepared to travel thousands of miles across the world for someone who doesnt want to take on his role as my partner. Still searching but in the meantime I am not having that much fun. I was having fun at the beginning but when my expectations of him reared it's ugly head we started having problems. Maybe my expectations of him are too high because I dont understand the cultural obstacles he faces concerning money. He has to frequent the cafes to communicate with me and he has to buy cards to "flash" my phone. I am not prepared to give up my dignity for him or take a back seat while he socilizes with his friends and family and puts off my phonce calls when I call. I believe that "I" need to come first in his life and he doesnt seem to understand that or how to make that happen. How can I give him patience and understanding without compromisng my integrity? Man.... love is grande? LOL Not sure how much more I can take. Any Nigeria/African men that can offer some advice and insight would be wonderful.

Wow is all I can say. Someone else is living my life and having my thoughts.

[Ta Ta 1]

IMO the cultural financial obstacles ( internet cafe and flash with phone card ) can be a valid reason , especialy if he has no job or very low pay, however everything else

you have mentioned doesn't add up and I would be extremely cautious to undertake

such a journey and expenses under these cirumstances.

If you are not a priority now you certainly will not be later and he puts his "social life"

first as you said.

My opinion of * move on * still stands. But only you know when the time is right to do so.

I hate for you to get sucked into this and end up getting hurt even more down the road.

Remember you deserve the best ! Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[Kanyiri 0]

AnnaMarie - I just wanted to add, that if phones in Nigeria are like those in Ghana, it costs absolutely nothing for him to "flash" your phone. If he has to buy a card, he's buying minutes to call someone else. I would think of it this way, would you take the way he is treating you from an American man? If not, then say goodbye to him. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[frndly1 1]

I agree with Omoba, MOVE ON. Do not spend all that money either to go and visit him. Do not spend any more money on phone calls. If he wants you bad enough make him work for it. But be real about the situation.

Best of Luck.

IMO the cultural financial obstacles ( internet cafe and flash with phone card ) can be a valid reason , especialy if he has no job or very low pay, however everything else

you have mentioned doesn't add up and I would be extremely cautious to undertake

such a journey and expenses under these cirumstances.

If you are not a priority now you certainly will not be later and he puts his "social life"

first as you said.

My opinion of * move on * still stands. But only you know when the time is right to do so.

I hate for you to get sucked into this and end up getting hurt even more down the road.

Remember you deserve the best ! Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[ForeverAmen 0]

My opinion .... when someone shows you who they are, believe them.