received green card, now she shows some "new" colors

[cainBrain 6]

Recently recevied green card for Colombian wife. She was fine and we had a lot of fun for some amount of time. Now she has her green card and a job and Colombian friends. I am happy for her. But wait. I recently found her at the mall walking with one of her new "friends" from Colombia. When confronted, she said that she met him at a local Colombian club. We reconcilled with some new understandings: since I don't like to dance, can't dance and don't like to stay out late (past 12:00am) and can't handle loud music, especially ones playing the kind of music she listens to, I feel left out. She claims that it is a part of her culture and that she has to have one night out to dance. Do to the timeline (less than five years) being married, and the fact that she claims she is not cheating on me I compromised and said ok we will go out and take two cars, and that you teach me the latin dances and that I will leave before 12am.

This past Saturday was the one night out night. As soon as I left the club she was with another Colombian dancing Salsa, merengae (sp) etc...

Should I believe her and trust that she is not cheating on me? Isn't Salsa, merengae etc.. just the vertical of doing what she eventually would like to do horizontally?

Our relationship is a bit rocky. But she has a good job, can drive and has a group of girl friends. Hmmm, I smell something funny.

Comments from established Colombians are welcome! Mods, if you want to copy this over to the Country forum for Colombia that would be helpful.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Do you live in the town portrayed in Footloose?

[Pitaya 2,577]

~Moved from US Citizenship Discussion to MLSA Regional Forum~

~Inquirer wants comments from Columbians~

Your profile says Armenia, yet you mention Colombian wife?

[cainBrain 6]

Harpa...too funny. Yes, I got the flag wrong...Colombia, not Armenia. Mods: Slight correction on spelling: It is Colombia, not Columbia

Edited September 23, 2013 by cainBrain

[Dave&Roza 748]

Recently recevied green card for Colombian wife. She was fine and we had a lot of fun for some amount of time. Now she has her green card and a job and Colombian friends. I am happy for her. But wait. I recently found her at the mall walking with one of her new "friends" from Colombia. When confronted, she said that she met him at a local Colombian club. We reconcilled with some new understandings: since I don't like to dance, can't dance and don't like to stay out late (past 12:00am) and can't handle loud music, especially ones playing the kind of music she listens to, I feel left out. She claims that it is a part of her culture and that she has to have one night out to dance. Do to the timeline (less than five years) being married, and the fact that she claims she is not cheating on me I compromised and said ok we will go out and take two cars, and that you teach me the latin dances and that I will leave before 12am.

This past Saturday was the one night out night. As soon as I left the club she was with another Colombian dancing Salsa, merengae (sp) etc...

Should I believe her and trust that she is not cheating on me? Isn't Salsa, merengae etc.. just the vertical of doing what she eventually would like to do horizontally?

Our relationship is a bit rocky. But she has a good job, can drive and has a group of girl friends. Hmmm, I smell something funny.

Comments from established Colombians are welcome! Mods, if you want to copy this over to the Country forum for Colombia that would be helpful.

Whether you trust her or not is up to you. You should realize that now that she has the GC, she does not have to stay with you. She can get a divorce and remain in the US as a LPR. So do not think you can hold her immigration status over her--IMHO you should never do that anyway. If the relationship fails then get a divorce and move on. It sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and talk things out if you want to save this relationship.

I wish you well,

Dave

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Seriously though, your prudish ideas about dancing are astounding. You think dancing is just a horizontal version of sex?

You think your wife having friends is "something smelly??"

To me, if your wife readily agreed to have you attend and watch her dance, then she is not trying to hide anything from you. She freely invited you to go and see what she is doing. She didn't say "No! You cant go! It's only for colombans!" She is being open with you and showing you exactly what she is doing and you don't trust her.

[TBoneTX 45,090]

In general, and barring extenuating circumstances, "nothing good happens after midnight." However, I agree with HT's evaluation just above. Your wife's being open, she agreed to the compromise, she's asking for just one night out per week, and she's spending pre-midnight time with you right there at the club before cutting loose on the dance floor.

Keep up with the "take two cars" policy, and you'll score points -- for showing some effort to participate in an activity that she enjoys, and for enabling her to enjoy herself. That helps marriages stay healthy.

[cainBrain 6]

Thanks all for the replies.

HT, she only dances with me when I am there. After 12, she was scoping the dance floor for "dancing thugs" (well, they all had turned baseball caps on with baggy pants, I guess maybe drug dealer wanna bees?) with her recently divorced/seperated friends--I watched in the background.

And it isn't the fact that she has made friends that is smelly. I encouraged her to make friends actually. But the type of friends she has says something about her. They are all single, recently divorced from their green card sponsors. That is what smells.

I'm old enough to remember in an Eddie Murphy stand up tour where one of the jokes he did was about going to Africa to find a butt naked afro wearing, with a bone through her nose bride, riding a zebra, who couldn't speak any English. After he brought her home she got together with some friends and confronted Eddie "...Eddie I want half"!

I know I made a big mistake with this, but just wanted to confirm my concerns before I threw in the towell. It also smells because the problems started immediately after the removal of conditions on her temp CR1 visa.

LIve, learn, make mistakes and hopefully have enough time to rebound. Time is not on my side now.

Ya, I'm out of luck, time and money now. Someone call me a waaaa-mobeeel.

[TBoneTX 45,090]

How can she dance with you when you're NOT there?

Good luck with however you decide to proceed.

[cainBrain 6]

"how can she dance with you when you are not there". I made like I was leaving, but in actuallity I stayed in the background, watching. Oh, and the name of Eddie's wife was "Oomm Foo Foo".

Marriage is hard. We reconcile, but when the weekend comes we argue. She claims it is a difference in cultures; the fact that she likes to go out dancing until 2:00am with her separated Colombian women friends. I don't buy it. So that is the sticking point now.

I need some opinions from Colombian or latin folk. Is this really a cultural thing?

[christeen 966]

Yes, it is a cultural thing... I am married to an italian, but live in south Florida and hang with mostly Latinos (Columbia, Cuba and Venezuela ) and they stay up wwwaaayyyy late dancing and everyone dances with everyone else. Having a skilled dance partner is what makes for a fun night... It means nothing as the Latino culture, they dance for the love of dance... I believe you are attaching YOUR cultural stereotypes to her culture which uses dance as an outlet and expression of joy and fun, not a prelude to sex! IMO, unless you can lighten up and get upset at her embracing this, you will be seen as the "get off my lawn", "turn that racket down" old man and not as the kind and caring husband... Kudos for going to the dance club and keep doing that, take an active role to try to be part of what she enjoys, but don't try to take dancing from her, you will drive her away in the end. Respect that this is part of her and her culture and what makes her happy... You married someone from a different culture and fell in love with that, now that she is here, do not try to take that culture away from her or water it down...

[bc4012 1]

cainBrain: I’d agree, and please forgive my stereotyping a whole country of people, that Colombians love to stay out late, party, dance, and have a good time. That said, if you think that she is using that fact to go out and cheat on you in the dance club you are severely under estimating her intelligence. To the contrary, it appears that she is actively seeking your involvement in her going out and dancing by inviting you to stay as long as you want. You have several options but my advice would be if you really are insecure about her dancing with other men you should start by telling her that. You could also consider taking dance lessons to not only improve your skills but to show her you care about her culture. And with respect to the 12:00 am vs. 2:00 am, I would say suck it up and stay the extra two hours. I would be much more concerned with my wife driving home late alone or with her drunk friends.

I also wanted to add that in my experience dancing salsa, which is limited mind you, my Paisa is always willing to go the extra mile to teach me. She loves the fact that I am with her and trying my best. And I really only see Colombian women dancing with men; case in point, in two trips to Medellin, both times I was the only male in a group consisting of my fiancée, myself, and her family and friends. Well, I had to take turns dancing with all of them because they would all sit patiently waiting for their turn. Talk about being a tired old man…try having two left feet and dancing salsa for 8 hours 3 nights in a row!