New here and very confused!

[Tighfield 3]

Hey y'all!

I have been reading many stories on this forum for a few months now (off and on), so I have finally decided to sign up. I feel that this journey is not only a long road ahead, but a lonely one. I do not have the support of my parents nor my friend (who is married to a Vietnamese woman and has children). A little background about me, my girlfriend and why I mention my friend...

Last year (Fall of 2012), my friend told me that his son was getting married to a Vietnamese girl in Vietnam. They had been talking online (Skype, Viber, Facebook and e-mails) for 2 to 2 1/2 years, BUT have never met. Having studied Korean culture for 5 years, I was intrigued about what Vietnamese culture was all about. My friend told me a lot of things about Vietnam and a little bit about the culture. I was hooked and dying to try some phở! December of 2012 is when my girlfriend and I began talking online. At the time, it was just simple messages back and forth about our cultures, food, music and language. I had never even considered, at this time, she would end up being my girlfriend. She was just someone teaching me about their culture. Her English is very good although sometimes her meanings for things is misunderstood, but I am a patient man and always ask questions. January 2013, my friend flew to Vietnam for his son's wedding. After about a week had passed, I expected to see wedding pictures on Facebook from his son's wedding. I checked every day and nothing. Something was very strange! Then one day I saw their relationship status on Facebook go from "Engaged" to nothing! I was seriously worried by this point, but I had no way of contacting my friend so I had to wait until they flew back to the US. When my friend returned home, I was right, something did happen! His son didn't get married! And even to this day I don't understand completely what happened. I've heard multiple things said about what went down and the stories change every time I hear them. I even went as far as contacting the girl my friend's son was supposed to marry! And while her story matched up on some things that my friend's family had said, other things didn't. It just sounded like one huge misunderstanding... on both sides. And because I contacted the girl my friend's son was supposed to marry, my friend and I are no longer friends. His WHOLE family hates me now because they think I was trying to get with this girl, which yet again, another misunderstanding. I wasn't even allowed to explain myself. Sure, I probably shouldn't have done it but my girlfriend and I thought it was a good idea at the time.

So now this brings me to the present. My girlfriend and I have just recently been talking about marriage. We were looking at pictures of half-Vietnamese / half-American children that other couples post on Facebook and joking around saying "Hey! Does this little girl look like you or me?" Then my girlfriend says to me, "I have something serious to talk to you about." She told me that she wishes to marry me and asked me how I felt about it. I literally almost fell out of my computer chair after hearing this! I told her I would love to marry her. Now I know what y'all are thinking. Stupid right? Because we haven't met yet. My girlfriend and I literally talk every day via Skype, Viber and Facebook. I work 3rd shift so I am on the same schedule as her, so it is easy for us to talk whenever throughout the day. I have planned a trip to go see her next year during Tet holiday and I am going with a really good friend of mine, so I won't be alone. The more we talk about this marriage, the more serious it gets. We love and care for each other very much and we know that this is the direction our relationship is going. And since we have started talking about marriage, I have been looking up everything I can find and think of to better educate me in how we can get married. My brain is on overload from all this and it has left me confused and her too! We thought about doing the K-1 Visa but we need to be engaged. And then I read on Fred Walh's site (that guy that "specializes" in matchmaking) that Vietnam has one of the highest rejections rates of K-1 Visas. Mainly because they look for how long you've been engaged and whether or not you had a large, formal engagement party in Vietnam (not on the first trip!) This worries me, because I am not in the position to make all these trips back and forth, back and forth to Vietnam. My job won't allow it! I'm lucky enough to even be allowed to fly there next year and stay for 3 weeks. So maybe the K-1 Visa isn't the best option? My girlfriend has said that her mother approves of us getting married and her mother doesn't mind if the wedding is in Vietnam or the US. She only wants her daughter to be happy. Now you see, my friend (ex-friend I mean), his son was only going to make the one trip and he proposed to the girl over Skype. My girlfriend doesn't not want a proposal over Skype, she wants it in person and I can understand her reasoning.

So! VJ community! This is where I ask for your advice on how my girlfriend and I can handle this. I know that no matter what road we take, it will be difficult. Would it be better for us to marry in Vietnam, as my ex-friend's son was going to do or could I get engaged to my girlfriend during my trip next year and come home then start the K-1 Visa process. I know I still have awhile before my trip to Vietnam, but I always like to be prepared and I know that some good information would ease my girlfriend's feelings. We are both just so confused about this.

Thank you in advance for any advice y'all can provide and I deeply apologize for this long post. Have a great day everybody!

[BatonRouge Bill 2]

you need to see the visa timeline, you can go there and propose the first week at a restaurant somewhere nice western style and also meet her parents, possibly have dinner every day there the first week allow them to get to know you a bit informally., but also Plan your Dam hoi or asking/engagement ceremony to take place the 2nd week. and on the third week tour the country some. it takes 6 to 7 months to clear the states NOA2 then one more month thru the NVC to the consulate. then it is between 96 to 108 days for the interview. so 10 to 11 months minimum.

Here are some problems you may face:

1. Proof of inperson meeting, it is illegal for you two to stay in the hotel together unmarried. you can still do it but the hotel will not provide documentation for you to use as they turn in the names to the local police. Get photos with date/time stamp on them. bookings for tours that record your names, in country flights with the itenarys with both of your names on them. Airline tickets don't have the year on them so they get rejected but the luggage claim tickets do why is that I don't know. I had trouble with this even with hundreds of photos. (no time stamp)
2. not being on this site when I started and not sending in all the proper documents. Print them all and bring with you. She will need to sign at least the Fianc'e intent to Marry form. also the her biographic form and her part of the I129f.

[Tighfield 3]

you need to see the visa timeline, you can go there and propose the first week at a restaurant somewhere nice western style and also meet her parents, possibly have dinner every day there the first week allow them to get to know you a bit informally., but also Plan your Dam hoi or asking/engagement ceremony to take place the 2nd week. and on the third week tour the country some. it takes 6 to 7 months to clear the states NOA2 then one more month thru the NVC to the consulate. then it is between 96 to 108 days for the interview. so 10 to 11 months minimum.

Here are some problems you may face:

1. Proof of inperson meeting, it is illegal for you two to stay in the hotel together unmarried. you can still do it but the hotel will not provide documentation for you to use as they turn in the names to the local police. Get photos with date/time stamp on them. bookings for tours that record your names, in country flights with the itenarys with both of your names on them. Airline tickets don't have the year on them so they get rejected but the luggage claim tickets do why is that I don't know. I had trouble with this even with hundreds of photos. (no time stamp)
2. not being on this site when I started and not sending in all the proper documents. Print them all and bring with you. She will need to sign at least the Fianc'e intent to Marry form. also the her biographic form and her part of the I129f.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post! I really like how you laid out the week to week planning. That sounds like a great idea! I know she wants to take me to Vung Tau because I have never seen the beach, as funny as that sounds. Actually my friend and I are getting a hotel that is literally 7-10 minutes from her house. Her mother wanted me to stay in my girlfrend's brother's room so she can get to know me better, but I told my girlfriend that I would not want to be a burden. Plus my friend is coming along and I think he would feel uncomfortable. Her mother said that was okay just as long as I visit her every day. Haha!

[Chris & Trinh 15]

Hey y'all!

I have been reading many stories on this forum for a few months now (off and on), so I have finally decided to sign up. I feel that this journey is not only a long road ahead, but a lonely one. I do not have the support of my parents nor my friend (who is married to a Vietnamese woman and has children). A little background about me, my girlfriend and why I mention my friend...

Last year (Fall of 2012), my friend told me that his son was getting married to a Vietnamese girl in Vietnam. They had been talking online (Skype, Viber, Facebook and e-mails) for 2 to 2 1/2 years, BUT have never met. Having studied Korean culture for 5 years, I was intrigued about what Vietnamese culture was all about. My friend told me a lot of things about Vietnam and a little bit about the culture. I was hooked and dying to try some phở! December of 2012 is when my girlfriend and I began talking online. At the time, it was just simple messages back and forth about our cultures, food, music and language. I had never even considered, at this time, she would end up being my girlfriend. She was just someone teaching me about their culture. Her English is very good although sometimes her meanings for things is misunderstood, but I am a patient man and always ask questions. January 2013, my friend flew to Vietnam for his son's wedding. After about a week had passed, I expected to see wedding pictures on Facebook from his son's wedding. I checked every day and nothing. Something was very strange! Then one day I saw their relationship status on Facebook go from "Engaged" to nothing! I was seriously worried by this point, but I had no way of contacting my friend so I had to wait until they flew back to the US. When my friend returned home, I was right, something did happen! His son didn't get married! And even to this day I don't understand completely what happened. I've heard multiple things said about what went down and the stories change every time I hear them. I even went as far as contacting the girl my friend's son was supposed to marry! And while her story matched up on some things that my friend's family had said, other things didn't. It just sounded like one huge misunderstanding... on both sides. And because I contacted the girl my friend's son was supposed to marry, my friend and I are no longer friends. His WHOLE family hates me now because they think I was trying to get with this girl, which yet again, another misunderstanding. I wasn't even allowed to explain myself. Sure, I probably shouldn't have done it but my girlfriend and I thought it was a good idea at the time.

So now this brings me to the present. My girlfriend and I have just recently been talking about marriage. We were looking at pictures of half-Vietnamese / half-American children that other couples post on Facebook and joking around saying "Hey! Does this little girl look like you or me?" Then my girlfriend says to me, "I have something serious to talk to you about." She told me that she wishes to marry me and asked me how I felt about it. I literally almost fell out of my computer chair after hearing this! I told her I would love to marry her. Now I know what y'all are thinking. Stupid right? Because we haven't met yet. My girlfriend and I literally talk every day via Skype, Viber and Facebook. I work 3rd shift so I am on the same schedule as her, so it is easy for us to talk whenever throughout the day. I have planned a trip to go see her next year during Tet holiday and I am going with a really good friend of mine, so I won't be alone. The more we talk about this marriage, the more serious it gets. We love and care for each other very much and we know that this is the direction our relationship is going. And since we have started talking about marriage, I have been looking up everything I can find and think of to better educate me in how we can get married. My brain is on overload from all this and it has left me confused and her too! We thought about doing the K-1 Visa but we need to be engaged. And then I read on Fred Walh's site (that guy that "specializes" in matchmaking) that Vietnam has one of the highest rejections rates of K-1 Visas. Mainly because they look for how long you've been engaged and whether or not you had a large, formal engagement party in Vietnam (not on the first trip!) This worries me, because I am not in the position to make all these trips back and forth, back and forth to Vietnam. My job won't allow it! I'm lucky enough to even be allowed to fly there next year and stay for 3 weeks. So maybe the K-1 Visa isn't the best option? My girlfriend has said that her mother approves of us getting married and her mother doesn't mind if the wedding is in Vietnam or the US. She only wants her daughter to be happy. Now you see, my friend (ex-friend I mean), his son was only going to make the one trip and he proposed to the girl over Skype. My girlfriend doesn't not want a proposal over Skype, she wants it in person and I can understand her reasoning.

So! VJ community! This is where I ask for your advice on how my girlfriend and I can handle this. I know that no matter what road we take, it will be difficult. Would it be better for us to marry in Vietnam, as my ex-friend's son was going to do or could I get engaged to my girlfriend during my trip next year and come home then start the K-1 Visa process. I know I still have awhile before my trip to Vietnam, but I always like to be prepared and I know that some good information would ease my girlfriend's feelings. We are both just so confused about this.

Thank you in advance for any advice y'all can provide and I deeply apologize for this long post. Have a great day everybody!

Seriously how can you marry someone you have not even met. Even if the best intentions are there, online and reality are not always the same. Marrying in Vietnam culture is a lot different than in Western culture. What happened to your friend's son, happens many times here and is very common even amoung Vietnamese marrying another Vietnamese. The wedding gets called off at the last minute for many different reasons, mostly one side of the family disagrees about something, or the bride finds a richer man to marry. I'm not even joking. I've lived here for 4 years and have seen it all first hand.

Come here as planned and get to know her personally in person. Do some traveling together. Sure, a dam hoi is a good start and will help your guy's visa process if that is what you both wish to do after your meeting together, which hopefully it is and makes you guys even closer. However, meeting one time, getting engaged, and then applying for a K1 wont be the easiest road by any means. A dam hoi will help though for sure. Make sure to keep records records records of everything. Receipts, chats, photos, airline records etc......

I am not meaning to talk bad about Vietnamese women by any means by what I said above. I married a Vietnamese woman and am the happiest. She is a wonderful wife and mother to our son. Life is great. You just need to be open minded and not have a one track mind clouded by bad decisions and judgements because online everything si perfect. It is easy to be taken advantage of here. So keep that in mind, but try your best to cover all your bases and give it the best chance you can.

Good luck

[Tighfield 3]

Seriously how can you marry someone you have not even met. Even if the best intentions are there, online and reality are not always the same. Marrying in Vietnam culture is a lot different than in Western culture. What happened to your friend's son, happens many times here and is very common even amoung Vietnamese marrying another Vietnamese. The wedding gets called off at the last minute for many different reasons, mostly one side of the family disagrees about something, or the bride finds a richer man to marry. I'm not even joking. I've lived here for 4 years and have seen it all first hand.

Come here as planned and get to know her personally in person. Do some traveling together. Sure, a dam hoi is a good start and will help your guy's visa process if that is what you both wish to do after your meeting together, which hopefully it is and makes you guys even closer. However, meeting one time, getting engaged, and then applying for a K1 wont be the easiest road by any means. A dam hoi will help though for sure. Make sure to keep records records records of everything. Receipts, chats, photos, airline records etc......

I am not meaning to talk bad about Vietnamese women by any means by what I said above. I married a Vietnamese woman and am the happiest. She is a wonderful wife and mother to our son. Life is great. You just need to be open minded and not have a one track mind clouded by bad decisions and judgements because online everything si perfect. It is easy to be taken advantage of here. So keep that in mind, but try your best to cover all your bases and give it the best chance you can.

Good luck

Thank you for your words. By no means do I take your reply negatively. I understand your concerns about not meeting first because everyone asks me the same thing. Even when I told them about my girlfriend and I being officially a couple, many didn't understand. My friend who I am travelling with has been very supportive as well as a few people I work with. My parents however do not understand. They never understood online dating with local women, much alone internationally. I will keep what you have said in mind. Thanks again.

[xgrnberet1 19]

TF, if and once you decided to take on this long and costly international marriage journey, make sure you're completely understand the cultures differences and know what you are getting yourself into, especially,the Asians mindset (particularly Vietnamese ) Korean,Thailand, Filipino,Lao, Hmong, Cambodian/Khmer rouge etc... mindset is not the same as Vietnamese, and the way they think, sometime, what you see and heard, is not what you may think, not just because you think/feel you are attracted to Asian women, their intentions&your intentions may not be on the same planet as you may think. From their stand point of view about you (and nothing will matters) , you are an American, and that's all there is to it. Other than that, good luck and good journey !!!!

[HaleyD 0]

Seriously how can you marry someone you have not even met. Even if the best intentions are there, online and reality are not always the same. Marrying in Vietnam culture is a lot different than in Western culture. What happened to your friend's son, happens many times here and is very common even amoung Vietnamese marrying another Vietnamese. The wedding gets called off at the last minute for many different reasons, mostly one side of the family disagrees about something, or the bride finds a richer man to marry. I'm not even joking. I've lived here for 4 years and have seen it all first hand.

Come here as planned and get to know her personally in person. Do some traveling together. Sure, a dam hoi is a good start and will help your guy's visa process if that is what you both wish to do after your meeting together, which hopefully it is and makes you guys even closer. However, meeting one time, getting engaged, and then applying for a K1 wont be the easiest road by any means. A dam hoi will help though for sure. Make sure to keep records records records of everything. Receipts, chats, photos, airline records etc......

I am not meaning to talk bad about Vietnamese women by any means by what I said above. I married a Vietnamese woman and am the happiest. She is a wonderful wife and mother to our son. Life is great. You just need to be open minded and not have a one track mind clouded by bad decisions and judgements because online everything si perfect. It is easy to be taken advantage of here. So keep that in mind, but try your best to cover all your bases and give it the best chance you can.

Good luck

TighField, I agree with Chris & Trinh. Any relationship is hard work, when you face someone everyday, there are ups and downs in one's life that the other needs to know how to listen and comfort in order for the relationship to last. Talking online everyday probably will only shows you one side of the person. But in order for you to truly knows the person and if that person will be a good wife a good mother you need to interact with her in person to see. So on your trip maybe for the first 2 weeks hang out with her and her family then 3rd do the Dam hoi if you really want to start the visa process.

Don't be offended from this next suggestion ok. I am just putting it out there since I don't know your relationship details. Is there any doubt that she wants to use you to get out of Vietnam? How long have you guys talked online? Vietnamese are fairly conservative so why did she suggest she wants to marry you first? And how come her mom doesn't mind if the wedding is in the US or in Vietnam? She doesn't want to see her daughter in a wedding dress? Those were just some red flags for me and it could be red flag later during the interview.

[Tighfield 3]

TighField, I agree with Chris & Trinh. Any relationship is hard work, when you face someone everyday, there are ups and downs in one's life that the other needs to know how to listen and comfort in order for the relationship to last. Talking online everyday probably will only shows you one side of the person. But in order for you to truly knows the person and if that person will be a good wife a good mother you need to interact with her in person to see. So on your trip maybe for the first 2 weeks hang out with her and her family then 3rd do the Dam hoi if you really want to start the visa process.

Don't be offended from this next suggestion ok. I am just putting it out there since I don't know your relationship details. Is there any doubt that she wants to use you to get out of Vietnam? How long have you guys talked online? Vietnamese are fairly conservative so why did she suggest she wants to marry you first? And how come her mom doesn't mind if the wedding is in the US or in Vietnam? She doesn't want to see her daughter in a wedding dress? Those were just some red flags for me and it could be red flag later during the interview.

Thanks HaleyD, for replying to my post. My girlfriend and I have had many, many conversations on the phone and Skype about the ups and downs of a relationship. We both understand the hard work we are faced with and I understand that talking online only gets you so far with someone. Meeting in person will be like icing on the cake, the finishing touch. Whether that cake is good or not is yet to be seen (get your minds out of the gutter, gentlemen!) I wish I could visit Vietnam sooner or more often but like I said, my job won't allow that and we have a strict policy on vacations.

My girlfriend and I have talked online since December 2012. Prior to our conversation about marriage, we've talked about it before but that's all it was. She would often tell me not to think too much about it, that we don't know what the future holds. But once she wanted to have that serious conversation about marriage, it just opened up so many things for us to talk about. As far as her mother not minding where the wedding is (US or Vietnam), I had thought about if we could fly her mother in the states for a duration for the wedding. We still have so many things to talk about, so I can't be certain when, where, why, etc. And I don't want to talk about everything in one day. I wanted us to take our time discussing it since we still have over 6 months until my trip, but I don't want to wait till last minute either.

As far as her using me to get out of Vietnam, no. She's perfectly happy with her job and where she lives. She has many good close friends and a wonderful family. This isn't a story about the poor girl looking to swindle the so-called rich American. She doesn't work at a bar or a dancer at some club, like so many stories I've heard. My girlfriend and I know these stories, from both sides. Her mother has told her about what most American men only want but also how some Vietnamese women trick the unlucky American men. I really appreciate all the comments about this. It's good to know there is a place like this to go to for advice or just a simple inquire of the process and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Edited July 18, 2013 by Tighfield

[HaleyD 0]

TF, I am glad to hear that.

So did you ever find out why your friend's son didn't get married when he went to Việt Nam?

I was just wondering what is the age gap between you two?

[Tighfield 3]

TF, I am glad to hear that.

So did you ever find out why your friend's son didn't get married when he went to Việt Nam?

I was just wondering what is the age gap between you two?

My girlfriend will be 25 in 2 months and I'll be 33 in 3 months. My friend's son is about 24 and the girl is 23, just a FYI.

Well at first, my friend didn't know anything about what had happened and he was there. Which was puzzling. All he said was that his son came running into the hotel room, planted himself face first into a pillow and was crying. At home, his son started having random outbursts of rage like slamming doors and yelling a lot. I believe after a month or so, he finally calmed down and told his dad what happened. Apparently, this girl he was supposed to marry left her phone at their hotel room. So my friend's daughter decides to go through it, as she had that "female intuition" feeling. She found messages from a man saying "I love you my angel", things of that nature. When my friend's son found this out, he called off the wedding. From then on, the story got bigger and bigger. I heard things about like during the wedding photo shoot, the girl was flirting with the photographer (he has a business with his wife and she was there too) and while she was changing into her dress, the photographer saw her half naked. Also at dinner, she was sitting next to the photographer and not her soon-to-be husband. Later on, I befriended my friend's son and daughter as I was invited to join them in going to Vietnam next year during Tet. We went out to eat together and my friend's daughter did all the talking. Her husband and her brother hardly said a word. But that is all she talked about was her brother getting fooled and I should watch out for the girl I'm talking to (pre-relationship status with my girlfriend). They wanted to "hook me up" with a girl they knew instead. I didn't like the idea at all because in my experience with people trying to hook me up with someone they THINK is a good match, it never turns out good. But anyhow!

Over the course of months, their story would change. First it was a laptop found in the hotel, then a mobile phone. Then it was she came back for her phone that same day and grabbed it out of my friend's daughter's hands, deleting all the messages from this guy. And apparently they talked to this girl's mother, saying a rough looking guy is always hanging around her. The guy quit school and does other bad things (god, this sounds like a Korean drama I've watched!). This is around the time I contacted the girl to ask her side of the story. I never could go a night at work or a day at home without hearing SOMETHING about it. It haunted me to the point where I started questioning my girlfriend and being mean to her. My girlfriend and I stopped talking for awhile because I was so confused on who to believe. Several weeks went by and I felt terrible for how I acted towards her. So we made up. She understood my doubts and was willing to give me another chance. Not too long after my girlfriend and I made up, I lost about 5 people on my Facebook in the span of minutes! My friend's family deleted and blocked me from Facebook! Later on I received a text message from my friend's daughter saying they "caught" me liking and commenting on that girl's (the girl my friend's son was supposed to marry) Facebook. She also seem to believe that I was talking to her because I wanted to be with her. She wished me the best of luck and said to be prepared for a lot of heartache and wasting my money. I had never laughed so hard! So they didn't delete me because I made up with my girlfriend, but they think I want to be with this other girl. WOW! I was so stunned! So that was that.

When I contacted this girl my friend's son was supposed to marry, she told me some things that was not told from my friend's family. My friend's sister-in-law told this girl that she was ugly, not of light skin and too short for her nephew. She also said that she was never given a chance to explain herself. I totally understand this because they never gave me a chance to explain why I contacted this girl in the first place. My friend's daughter basically gets on Facebook and puts out an "APB" to anyone who is friends with me or this girl and to delete them NOW! At least, that's my opinion. I don't know how I was deleted by 5 people so quickly.