muslim marriage tips

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Don't know if this was posted earlier, Lord knows if it could be found if it was, so I'll post it here:

http://www.soundvision.com/Info/marriage/basicsofhappy.asp

Fundamentals of a happy marriage

by Shahina Siddiqui

Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.

Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.

For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.

Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.

One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.

If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.

Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.

Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.

Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.

Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.

The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.

Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.

It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family

Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.

Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.

Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.

A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .

Feelings: Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.

Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.

Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.

Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.

Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.

Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.

Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.

Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Only took us 27 pages to get back to topic

[sarachid 0]

Only took us 27 pages to get back to topic

are we still taking about chicken in here... or did someone start a new topic.. ?? *trying to work and read these threads*

[cbd2cai 0]

Only took us 27 pages to get back to topic

Trust, Rahma, to come up with something perfect to make us start to think about the topic again.

[doodlebug 3]

Rhama.......

you rock, dudette!!!!!

[Bosco 1]

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

I always love when metaphors are used referring to the man in human terms and the women and children as animals.

[morocco4ever 63]

Excellent Rhama, thx!

[jordanianprincess 0]

Sorry this is buggin me...it's not Rama or Rhama. It's Rahma Ok I feel better now.

[morocco4ever 63]

Sorry this is buggin me...it's not Rama or Rhama. It's Rahma Ok I feel better now.

Got it Jordiananprincess <hehe>

Edited November 29, 2006 by Morocco4ever

[jordanianprincess 0]

Sorry this is buggin me...it's not Rama or Rhama. It's Rahma Ok I feel better now.

Got it Jordiananprincess <hehe>

[peezey 0]

Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

Finance: It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family.

Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.

OK, first let me say I am not trying to do anything more but get some understanding of things that I see are in conflict.

First, I don't understand the difference between friends and buddy/pal that is made to seem different in this article. And I don't know why it's so dangerous for a spouses to cross this line. Can someone explain?

Second, can someone explain to me how there is equality in a marriage when the husband is considered the shepherd of the family? The guide for each 'F' seems relatively straight forward and decent. But I don't understand how in one sentence, there is equality in child rearing, decision making, budget making, etc, but then in another, the husband is the shepherd and "most" responsible for his "flock". I do not see how these two things reconcile.

Third, which tags on to #2, how can the husband be the head of the family if his wife must (meaning, she can't choose not to, because the rent has to get paid) contribute her earnings in order for the household to survive? If he's not working or if he doesn't make enough to support the family, doesn't it seem some of these tenets are, for lack of a better term, voided?

There is a thread in OT right now about working moms and sick time and flex time, etc. People have suggested several things, but one of the thoughts is, if a wife must contribute to a household financially, plus take care of the home, any idea of one of the spouses being "head of household" over the other goes out the window.

Ok, that's it. These have been questions for me for years, but never seem to get an answer that makes sense to me. Have at it, I truly am curious how this is all reconciled.

ETA: the statement about pals & the husband in the leadership role really irks me. To me it says you can't get too close to each other because then you certainly cannot have a husband who leads and a wife who follows. Help!!!

Edited November 29, 2006 by peezey

[Bosco 1]

I have thought about this too. How does a couple take on traditional roles if the woman is the primary breadwinner, which in itself is non-traditional?

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

Sorry this is buggin me...it's not Rama or Rhama. It's Rahma Ok I feel better now.

Got it Jordiananprincess <hehe>

is jordacheprincess better?

[amal 4]

I love your rice story! Mine had to show me how to properly cut cucumbers.

Jackie

hehehehe.... I was "shown" how to cut tomatoes, cucumbers, onions (most veggies), wash chicken in vinegar, water, 3 or 4 times etc.., rinse meat, rinse the rice (that one is my biggest pet peeve)

oh yeah, actually he won't let me touch the rice anymore. He also swears that instant rice doesn't taste the same. I guess to the rice expert it wouldn't tase the same..but to me..no difference rice is rice for petes sake. He has a baaaaaaaaad habit of telling me how to cook and I hate hate hate hate hate hate it. We usually get into an arugment over it and he will say.."well, what is wrong with being more careful" what can I say to that??? Ok, so I'll wash the chicken in lemon juice and rinse it in hot water 3 times and boil it with a carrot...Anything so he won't bicker about it. Yeah..he is the food nazi and he never cooked in Jordan. I once was making Tabouli and he said... that isn't tabouli. I said..well, the box says to add etc etc, katha katha. He said.. they don't know what tabouli is, Jordanians know what tabouli is..let me make it.... WHAT!! THE BOX IS WRONG?? yeah..big deal in our home..If my kitchen wasn't open to the living room, I would force him to stay out and it wouldnt be a problem. We have some major issues with cooking and food types. I think we have worked most of them out alhamdulillah!!! I still love him more than anything

Amal - 2 simple explanations. Food is prepared differently there because it is not the same quality as here. Chicken is washed that way because the don't have the FDA in Jordan and I don't think food is handled properly.

As far as the rice, its not nearly as clean as ours is here. They also soak because it takes longer to cook.

And yes, the tabouli box is wrong. I just didnt want you to think you were going nuts.

hehe I did figure that was the reason why but when I tried to explain that to him he said "what is wrong with being more careful and being safe"? I can't argue with that so he ALWAYS prepares the chicken even if I am going to be cooking it .. he knows I won't do all that..it just takes too long...that works for me if he wants to do it

He definitely let me know the reasoning for the rice....EVERY TIME I tried to cook it he would tell me why I was doing it wrong and how it "wouldn't work" my way etc... I know it is to get the hair and bugs and stuff out of it and it is supposed to make it cook better... again, I can't argue with that either...so therefore he always prepares the rice .. on both the chicken and rice, I told him ..."if you don't like the way I do it, please, do it yourself" so he does.

My husband thinks I am insane because I don't wash the chicken before cooking. I have no doubts if I tell him that our chicken is cleaner than his it will just piss him off...lol

My thought is, if you don't like the way I cook then do it yourself. If you don't want to cook then keep your mouth shut and don't watch. I'm still alive after phttt.l... years, so I must be doing something right.

hehehehe I told my husband that and he said ... yes but now you will be more healthy than before.. (the funny thing is that if I cook it while he is at work, he likes my chicken better than the chicken he prepares....shhhhhh don't tell him I told you)

By the way, washing chicken in hot water is unsanitary. Hot water creates bacteria in the chicken, you should always use cold water and make sure you thaw it out in cold water. Darn food saftey classes.

I honestly didn't know that! Thanks for the heads up... I will never thaw out chicken in warm water again...as god as my witness!! lol

I have never heard of rinsing and soaking rice. I thought 1 c rice 2 c liquid, 15 mins on the stove. I don't get it.

My MIL insists on rinsing a chicken with lemon or vinegar, and by the time she's done there is so much water everywhere that I'm pretty sure if there had been salmonella on the bird, it would now be on the floor and the counter instead.

lol before my husband got here, my rice ways were the same as yours... I don't even attempt to cook rice anymore.. He won't even eat it coz he knows I didn't rinse it LOL it just makes me laugh to think about it.. It did really hurt my feelings when he refused to eat though. I would rather just let him do it than have my feelings hurt. yes i'm a wuss...

by the way..I know everyone was trying to get back on topic but I just got home from work and this is the first time this afternoon that I've gotten to look in on VJ so I just HAAAAAD to comment on this.

amal

[morocco4ever 63]

Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

Finance: It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family.

Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.

OK, first let me say I am not trying to do anything more but get some understanding of things that I see are in conflict.

First, I don't understand the difference between friends and buddy/pal that is made to seem different in this article. And I don't know why it's so dangerous for a spouses to cross this line. Can someone explain?

Second, can someone explain to me how there is equality in a marriage when the husband is considered the shepherd of the family? The guide for each 'F' seems relatively straight forward and decent. But I don't understand how in one sentence, there is equality in child rearing, decision making, budget making, etc, but then in another, the husband is the shepherd and "most" responsible for his "flock". I do not see how these two things reconcile.

Third, which tags on to #2, how can the husband be the head of the family if his wife must (meaning, she can't choose not to, because the rent has to get paid) contribute her earnings in order for the household to survive? If he's not working or if he doesn't make enough to support the family, doesn't it seem some of these tenets are, for lack of a better term, voided?

There is a thread in OT right now about working moms and sick time and flex time, etc. People have suggested several things, but one of the thoughts is, if a wife must contribute to a household financially, plus take care of the home, any idea of one of the spouses being "head of household" over the other goes out the window.

Ok, that's it. These have been questions for me for years, but never seem to get an answer that makes sense to me. Have at it, I truly am curious how this is all reconciled.

ETA: the statement about pals & the husband in the leadership role really irks me. To me it says you can't get too close to each other because then you certainly cannot have a husband who leads and a wife who follows. Help!!!

I can't answer honestly from anyones viewpoint but my own. And really on only a couple of the items you question. So let me throw in my 2 cents.

Buddy/friend. When I think of how a man treats his male buddy I can honestly say I don't want to be treated the same. Lets face it, men can be such pigs, and the things they say to each other floors me. If my husband was to say these same things to me in front of my children it would foster in them a lack of respect for me as their mother. Now a friend, I view that more as a person you respect. My husband and I consider each other our best friend. We tell each other things we never tell anyone else, and we respect each others privacy. This is how I view that, but if others see it differently, thats cool.

Second point. The husband is the shepard of his flock. As it stated, this is a burden on him. Why? To me it means that he is the example of our family. If he wants his family to be good he must be good, if acts foolishly then his family will more than likely stray from good moral standards. So why isn't this placed on the woman? Women recieve the highest blessing merely by giving birth. Not only that, I believe that the majority of women are born with a sense of right and wrong where as a man don't have this same sense. In most cases the mother leads the children to the right way by example naturally. A man has to work harder at it.

Okay, now that last one I am sure that many of you will disagree with me, and thats okay. Of course I am giving to me what is the rule of thumb. I am well aware that there are going to be some men that are born with a natural sense of right and wrong, and women who aren't.

You know after reading this I realize that I really do hate men don't I?

Sorry this is buggin me...it's not Rama or Rhama. It's Rahma Ok I feel better now.

Got it Jordiananprincess <hehe>

is jordacheprincess better?

Stop pick on Jordanionprincess!

Edited November 30, 2006 by Morocco4ever