Sending financial assistance

[X Factor 1,111]

This is tricky - just find a nice balance

[Darnell 8,478]

you could remind your family members that you're NOT an OFW and tell them to stop treating you like one.

[Bob & Joana 2]

Thank you everyone for your input. Here's why I posted this topic. I came here in 2007, and started working in 2008. Back then, I would send money whenever they needed it, aside from the occasional amount I'd send to spoil them a bit. I also sent Balik Bayan boxes. Later on, I realized that sending them money to help wasn't the wisest idea. Instead, I suggested that they start whatever business they would like and I would finance it. Ever heard of the good ol' saying "Don't give a man a fish, but teach him how to fish."? That's what I based this idea on. I told them to learn to rely on themselves instead of me and my husband because not at all times we'll have the money, we can lose our job, or worse, something bad might happen to us, who knows? Then what are they gonna do when their source of financial help aren't able anymore? Well, >100,000 pesos later for business capital and nothing happened. No return of investment whatsoever because my parents are simply not business-minded people, and just don't try their best. It's been more than a year that I haven't had any job. We moved to a new state and I couldn't find work, got pregnant early in 2012 and with a baby now, I'm a full-time SAHM. What my husband makes is barely enough to meet out needs and pay the bills. My parents know this, yet they still ask for help every now and then. When I say, "You already know our situation here, why do you still ask for help? What makes you think we can help you?", they'd reply "We have nobody else to run to, you know that. Yes, we know your situation and would never ask you if only there was another way. We just need 1000 pesos to be able to get by this week (or for medicine, or for electric bill, etc.). I'm sure you have at least $25 that you can send." Well, of course I have $25, so I bite my tounge and send $50 (because that's the minimum sending amount for Xoom). Does that make me stupid? I don't know. What I only know is that it will make me sleepless all night if I don't send them the amount when I have it.

My husband got an interview for a job that pays twice more than what he's making now and the chance of him getting this job is very promising. Assuming he'll get it, we can afford to send money to my family again even if it means $200/month. My husband doesn't have a problem about helping my family financially, but as I have mentioned, I would rather that they rely on themselves and not on us so that whatever happens, they can stand on their own. Besides, my husband maybe making more, but we also have many stuff to save for: a house, a car for me, emergency savings, etc. In other words, I don't want to send my family money unless it's real emergency. Does this make me selfish? I welcome honest opinions. If I have to give them a big amount of money again to start a business, I will, and tell them that if they don't do their best and the business fails, I'm not sending them anymore money. Do you think it's a good idea? Am I being hard on my own family? To be honest, I don't know what exactly to do. Sometimes I feel like I should just hold my nose and give them monthly support to show gratitude for everything they've done for me, especially my dad. But at the same, I also feel that it's unfair for them or any other parents to make it their children's responsibility to help them because it's supposed to be the other way around. And above all, I think it's unfair to my husband. Again, I welcome honest opinions.

If you cant afford to send them money, then dont. Because you love them and you feel guilty, you end up sending money even though you state you cant really afford it. This is exactly what they expect and are playing on your guilt. Since you now have a child, and are barely making ends meet your answer to them should simply be a "sorry I'd love to but I cannot". As soon as that child was born it should be your #1 priority, followed by your spouse and yourself as number #2 and #3. You understand that it isnt your responsibility to provide 'utang' since you yourself state that it should be the other way around. You just need to follow through with that.

I am in a similar situation with my wife's family. The only difference is that she is still in PH with them waiting on our visa. We just had a daughter a few months ago, and my job is barely providing for my necessities, the baby's necessities, and my wife's necessities. Everything extra I have to save for all the darn visa fees, for her plane ticket, etc. I found the solution to the problem was that I told her that all requests for money from her family must be made from her family directly to me. If they have her ask me the answer is automatically "no" regardless of what it is for. The reason I do this is because it allows my wife to not feel guilty to say no, as it isnt her making the decision. This removed their ability to play on her guilt, as it no longer factors in. Her family has yet to request anything from me since i made this rule which has taken a lot of stress out of my wife's daily life because she explained how the rule goes. Also, since my funds are very limited I plan to be very strict on anything I would send money for such as LIFE SAVING emergencies only. If they didnt pay their electric bill then they'll just be in the dark until they work it off. If they run out of food, I'll send money(to my wife) to buy them a sack of rice or other practical foods...otherwise I expect to see a repeat from before of sending money, and finding out they had a nice outing to jollibee =0. Once my wife is in the states, I'll probably have to require them to provide a receipt for whatever it is I send money for to ensure it is what they spend it on and no receipt will just mean no future money ever. I know my rules are strict but they have worked so far.

But I did want to reassure you that putting YOUR family(you, baby, spouse) before the rest of the family is not a selfish thought. That is how it should be.