Desperately Need to Go Home

[Buckles 0]

Hello everyone,

I am writing this after having a very emotional talk with my wife over Skype, in the hopes that someone here has any sort of help or advise on my impossible situation.

A Very brief introduction to my situation: I am British, my wife is American, our son is American, but also holds a British passport. We have been married 4 years. Our son is three and a half.

I am currently two and a half years into a three year ban for overstay. At the time my overstay began my wife was already 7 months pregnant with our son. I stayed to support her, and be there for the birth of my son. Life, naivety and poor counsel from immigration office workers and lawyers played a large role in my thinking the overstay would be forgiven as we were already married, and the overstay was due to wanting to see the birth of, and raise, my son. We didn't have the money for me to fly back to England and back again to the USA.

My impossible situation:

The years of my ban have not been easy on myself or my wife. I would say over the past six months especially she has sunk into a deep, deep depression and in the past month or two she has been saying things that worry me greatly. Skype in these past six months has become a Russian Roulette of emotions, where much of the time she seems (acts) fine, but at least once a week BANG! She is distraught, crying or shouting and screaming - and our son is there, watching, hearing. When she is like this, she shouts at him to "Go away, I don't want you to see me cry", which I suppose is understandable, but the other day he was a little naughty and when we told him "no, that was naughty" he ran into a corner and cried. When my wife and I (via laptop) went to him, he shouted at us to "Go away, I don't want you to see me cry".

She also frequently tells me "I wish he'd just go away" "I can't deal with him right now" "I just want to be alone" ... I can understand these emotions, but I can't condone that she says them in front of his face. You can only imagine how this 3 year old must feel when his mummy tells him to "leave her alone".

I do what I can to console my wife and son, and urge her as I have been for years to complete my application for a Waiver of Inadmissibility, but her depression - or something - is simply getting in the way of her finishing it. She puts it down to "not enough time", but I am now two and a half years into a ban, and those two and a half years haven't been enough time for this waiver... It is something in her, an inability or unwillingness to have things done on time. She is late for work often, has missed sending cards on my birthday/father's day and our anniversary every year since we've met (they arrive 1-2 weeks late, if at all). She even didn't Skype me this last Christmas, which was the first Christmas she didn't fly to England to spend with me, and so was the first Christmas / major holiday where I didn't get to see or speak with my son. The reason is always "not enough time". She didn't have healthcare for our son for over a year because she didn't have time, and she still doesn't have healthcare for herself because she doesn't have enough time. I do what I can to support her, send money, make what calls I can in her stead, advise, and constantly remind her that our son is welcome and able to come live with me in England until she can sort her life out.

I am here today really hoping someone has a suggestion because in my last Skype my wife was crying and yelling at me that nobody is helping her, and today was the first time I really become worried for her safety, and the safety of our son when she said "What will it take for somebody to help me? Do I have to kill myself?" Our son was sat on the dining room chair next to her as she said this, not two feet away. I am worried for the safety of my wife, and by extension my son. I don't think she'll do anything to hurt herself - but yesterday I didn't think she'd ever suggest killing herself. She needs me back, but the waiver she has to file to get me back will cast a light on her that she cannot cope as a single parent, and some part of her - the depression side - is telling her if she admits this I'll use it against her. I am paying her rent, I have three jobs in England and send her the money from two of them. She works but only part time, and only for $10 an hour. She can't support herself, but she won't admit it. She won't seek help, because she is too proud, or too depressed, I don't know. I have never not known someone as much as I do not know my wife right now. We both know she can't manage without me, but she isn't doing what it takes to get me back and it is damaging her, and our son, irregardless.

I am worried, and I need to find a way to go back. If today she was talking about killing herself, I just don't know how the final six months of this ban will go. She is falling apart in every conceivable way, and in every conceivable way I offer to help she rejects me. Meanwhile she is damaging herself, and causing god-knows-what internal damage to our son, who already repeats what she says when she is upset and ranting.

Please, what can I do? Can I not appeal to someone myself to get a temporary stay to America to be with my wife for X weeks, or go to America to pick up my son who I honestly am not sure is safe with her at this time...

Thank you all very much.

/Buckles

Edited January 23, 2013 by Buckles

[lillakatoussa 12]

Wow Buckles, I'm so sorry that your family is having to endure this pain. You are right to be concerned about your wife's deteriorating mental health and quite honestly, you have nailed the problem on the head. I know because I see myself in the desperateness of your wife's emotions (although, I do not feel suicidal). It is extremely difficult (an understatement at best) to be alone while trying to raise a family (even if it's just 1 child), work and live up to the expectations of society. If she doesn't have a good support network (as I don't) then it doesn't take much for life to becoming quickly overwhelming (she or your child gets sick, she misses work, couple that with she's already feeling the burden of not being able to support herself, and on and on). Her family is fractured and no matter how much you Skype, it doesn't take the place of spending the evening together, holding her hand, getting a hug...I think you get the idea. I know it's hard on you, too. All that said, while I think it would be understandable for her to feel depressed, you are right to be alarmed at her statements. If she's threatening to kill herself, no matter how veiled, you should take it seriously and she needs to know it. Is she able to talk rationally with you after she's calmed down? Have you discussed with her the severity of what she's saying (and what your child is witnessing)? Is there a family member here in the States you can appeal to for help?

As far as immigration goes, I don't think you have any recourse. I could be wrong and if so hopefully someone will come along and correct me but my understanding is an overstay ban must be served. I hope that you find some helpful answers and support in this forum and wish you and your family all the best.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Have you started an I130. It seems that it would be up for approval just about when your ban is up. In theory you could be approved for a spousal visa at 3 years + 1 day

[Buckles 0]

@ lillakatoussa re: Wife's family in America

My wife had her parents in NJ where we used to live, but after her father died a year or so back she left the State to live in Seattle. Her mother is prone to 'emotional outbursts' and suffers depression herself (not diagnosed, but everyone who meets her gets this impression). She is not a nice person to be around and was/is exceedingly mean (verbally) to my wife, and myself on occasion. She is the type of person who thinks airline pilots burst passengers eardrums on purpose during landing, and frequently reminds my wife that she isn't making enough money to pay a phone bill. My wife has a grandmother in NJ who is also rather mean, and after my wife moved said 'you'll waste all your money and be back living here in no time' ... yeah, real supportive...

So after her father died my wife moved to Seattle to live with her sister - who after less than a month kicked her out. Her sister is also prone to 'emotional outbursts' and in a big row a year back told my wife all manner of things such as 'I hope you fail out here'. Her brother-in-law was supposed to be my sponsor for the Affidavit of Support but my wife was seeking attention one day and told them I had 'strangled / or tried to strangle her'. I can't recall which as no one ever brought it up with me, but it was one or the other. It is of course utter nonsense, but being 5500 miles away, having no idea she had said it and with them never speaking to me about anything anyway I could hardly defend myself. I didn't even know I needed to defend myself against any accusation until the day her brother-in-law tried to blackmail me by saying he'd sponsor me, in return for thirty thousand dollars - money my wife's father left her in his will (they wanted to renovate their basement and have us live there for a year so he could 'keep an eye on me'). In actual fact they had been wanting to renovate their basement with the money my wife's father left the sister, but they spent it all already on god-knows-what. The house to begin with I think.

So that is my wife's family. People prone to depression, unsupportive, blackmailers... My family in England support her but this makes her envious. She has a place here, and is welcome anytime, but the nicer my family are to her the more she gets upset. When my mum bakes cupcakes my wife cries because 'she likes baking'. My wife can't decide what to do career wise but she loves teaching - so when I became a lecturer at my old university she got very vicious at me. Same when I sold two of my screenplays to Fangoria Magazine, because she had always wanted to write, but I 'got their first'? I don't know, my success is always overshadowed by guilt because she gets so angry at me. I wait for those calm days to talk to her about what needs to be done, but a dark day always comes (later that day, or the next) and sets us back to square one.

@ NigeriaorBust re: I130

My visa status stands at: After 1 and a half years in England my wife finally 'had the time' to submit a new petition for me. I passed every stage but interview day was denied due to overstay. That was first quarter of last year. My wife has had ample time to submit the waiver - and in fact has had it sitting on her desk with all the evidence I believe for 3 months as in November last year I told her I wanted her to submit it. I weathered the storm of her anger, and after the crying and shouting at me, she finally saw sense - but like I said at the end of my reply to lillakatoussa a dark day comes too quickly after reason is found and sets us back to square one. I honestly don't think anything will be done until my ban is up, and then I have to submit 2 new forms and get a new interview. I 'assume' I will be back by August/Sept. But my wife has already told me that is too late and she'd have 'gone crazy' by then.

Believe me I have had every rational thought and tried every avenue (I even wrote to President Obama in appeal). I have run out of options long ago but I am scared, my wife is threatening to kill herself and our son hears it. There must be an emergency form I can fill out to go out there and see her / or at least pick him up. She refuses to fly here because it is 2x flights now that our son is over 2 and needs his own seat.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Buckles

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I know a little bit about what you've been going through, except from the opposite side. We are stuck in Denmark with my husband and my depression is at no good of a level. We've had to file an expedite and it is a very raw and emotional time.

Take a step back from this and relax. If you think your son is in immediate danger, then call the police and social services and see if you can force her into getting mental health treatment.

If you think she is just depressed and your son is ok, perhaps schedule an appointment for her at a psychologist and try and get her to to go. Personally, I think you need to be her support in this and not way overreact to it. Immigration is very stressful and being a mom dealing with mental health concerns on your own is no easy feat. Continue to be kind, gentle, and tell her that she has your 110% support and mean it. Make the first steps for her with getting help or whatever else. Sometimes I need my husband to call or do something for me - you need to let her know that you are available for whatever.

Personally, coming from someone with depression living in Denmark (and whose family lives in the UK and has spent a lot of time there), I don't think it is a good idea necessarily for her to go to the UK. The weather and dreariness took my normally under control depression and anxiety and multiplied it by about a thousand times over.

I hope you end up working through this.

[Boiler 45,360]

She refuses to fly here because it is 2x flights now that our son is over 2 and needs his own seat.

Sounds like they all have medical issues that require competent psychiatric treatment.

You could apply for a B2 but that would require a NIV due to your ban and they seem to be taking 6 months.

You could wait out your ban and then apply for a B2, not sure that you would get one but you will not know without trying.

If she in incapable/unwilling to go forward with the paperwork or you do not have a co sponsor then you will not be moving to the US or possibly even visiting.

Have you thought of meeting up in Canada, not that far for her.

[Buckles 0]

Have you thought of meeting up in Canada, not that far for her.

I went there once and it worked out, but she doesn't want a holiday as it's time she could be working/looking for job/college course.

I guess there is not esta or whatever for me to go pick up my son so another failing of the immigration system hurting an innocent child. Thanks for the support though guys.

[Boiler 45,360]

Your immigration violations prevent you from using the VWP, could a family member pick up your son, is your wife willing for him to travel, does he have his British Passport?

[Buckles 0]

Your immigration violations prevent you from using the VWP, could a family member pick up your son, is your wife willing for him to travel, does he have his British Passport?

I really am shocked how my violations are impacting my wife's mental health and sons living environment. Seems wrong on so many levels when all I need to do is go there and come back with him. Griping here won't help matters though so as my old man says SOL!

Thanks though everyone.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

If your wife is mentally unstable enough to affect your childs well being , you need to ensure the child is removed from her care. The well being of that child come before both your desire to shorted your ban and your wife not coping with your ban well.

[amykathleen2005 441]

How did you get the ban? Were you deported or did you leave on your own?

[Laherida 0]

Your waiver should have been filed a few weeks after your denial. If you file the waiver now it will come through ap at the same time your ban has been lifted so the 600 dollar waiver fee wiuld bea waste of money. I would be more concerned that your wife will not apply for your visa if she has refused to pay for your waiver. If she truly wants your son to go away she should take him to you. Both of you could easily travel to canada or mexico. That would help her finish her studies and you would get to know your son again before movingback into the home. In her weakened mental state, it will be hard to readjust to life with you. I hope all goes well with your situation, but a waiver at this point will last longer than he visa application. Sorry this happened to you.