More kids with second marriage?

[sarah and hicham 3]

I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Not really that abnormal. I know many women married to ME/NA men that have children from a previous marriage and due to reasons, they choose not to have more children. I'm still young, have 2 children from a previous marriage and due to reasons beyond my control, had to have a partial hysterectomy at a young age. My husband knew this from the moment we began talking along, with his family. He considers my children his own. I do have many friends that have said they would be a surrogate for us, but we're not going to rush into anything at this point. My hubby loves me for who I am and not if I can/cannot reproduce.

Are you saying it's not abnormal between for example a couple who are both Egyptian? I'm not talking about American and ME/NA couples.

[kofuku 0]

Really Sarah, abnormal? I never thought it to be that.

Jackie

I also stated that I'm sure there's just some who don't want kids.

I have talked about this a lot with Hicham and he said in Morocco what he knows is that people who get married have kids and that starting a family is highly valued in their culture. Maybe it is different in Jordan I will have to ask JP but from what I have learned from her it seems like both her and her fiance have huge familes.

I don't think this is a sterotype and I am sure that others would agree that family is valued much more (generally) in the ME/NA than in the US. I have heard many stories like the one Kelly said about how after they got married her Mother in law was ready for some grandkids.

I'm just saying what I saw in Morocco and what Hicham has told me about family and children. It wasn't meant to be taken as an insult and I hope it wasn't.

Maybe szsz and JP or any other Arabs or those of you who have lived abroad can share your experiences with family in the ME/NA?

We got pregnant "accidentaly" shortly after we were married. We both wanted children, but my eggs are no spring chickens --- pushing 41 here-- so, if it happened, it happened. It did and now my husband says ones enough

That said, my DH's friends wife, a USC, has a 20 yr old and 12 yr old from a previous marriage, with her tubes tied. When the CO asked him at his visa interview what he thought about his wife not being able to have kids, he said it didn't matter because he loved her. Needless to say he got his visa. I'm sure he would love to have kids, but he and his wife are very content with each other and her kids.

Then there is my gf. She is around my age and didn't want kids. Before she married her Moroccan husband, she told him under no uncertain terms that she did not want kids. He was fine with it. Now, after the birth of my daughter, she says she has reconsidered and may want kids, but not for another two years. If she can't, they'll adopt...hopefully from Morocco.

I don't think all Moroccan men want only a wife to procreate. There are some men that are very content with the women they married regardless if she could have kids.

Christine

[Veiled Princess 1]

I don't think all Moroccan men want only a wife to procreate.

Thank God we have other uses

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm not saying a man wouldn't marry a woman even if she couldn't have kids because clearly it happens, and apparently it happens a lot with USC and ME/NA couples.

[mybackpages 0]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I would put it this way....there certainly an expectation that a married couple will have children. The parents of the couple may have more of an expectation than the couple themselves. We have seen this same expectation on American couples (though in general the pressure is less these days it seems).

But add to this expectation, a acceptance that your destiny is not so much in your hands as in the hands of God...why do you think people say "insha'allah" so often....and this man marrying a woman unable to produce children is just as likely to accept this as his future. As a result the expectation to have children does not translate into a problem for a man when he has none.

I hope I said this right...i've written it three times before posting.

[sarah and hicham 3]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I would put it this way....there certainly an expectation that a married couple will have children. The parents of the couple may have more of an expectation than the couple themselves. We have seen this same expectation on American couples (though in general the pressure is less these days it seems).

But add to this expectation, a acceptance that your destiny is not so much in your hands as in the hands of God...why do you think people say "insha'allah" so often....and this man marrying a woman unable to produce children is just as likely to accept this as his future. As a result the expectation to have children does not translate into a problem for a man when he has none.

I hope I said this right...i've written it three times before posting.

Sorry, I don't quite get it but I wish I did.

[Veiled Princess 1]

I would put it this way....there certainly an expectation that a married couple will have children. The parents of the couple may have more of an expectation than the couple themselves. We have seen this same expectation on American couples (though in general the pressure is less these days it seems).

But add to this expectation, a acceptance that your destiny is not so much in your hands as in the hands of God...why do you think people say "insha'allah" so often....and this man marrying a woman unable to produce children is just as likely to accept this as his future. As a result the expectation to have children does not translate into a problem for a man when he has none.

I hope I said this right...i've written it three times before posting.

So it's like this is just another acceptance of God's decree or fate for the man who marries a woman who may not give him children?

[True Love at Last 15]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I would put it this way....there certainly an expectation that a married couple will have children. The parents of the couple may have more of an expectation than the couple themselves. We have seen this same expectation on American couples (though in general the pressure is less these days it seems).

But add to this expectation, a acceptance that your destiny is not so much in your hands as in the hands of God...why do you think people say "insha'allah" so often....and this man marrying a woman unable to produce children is just as likely to accept this as his future. As a result the expectation to have children does not translate into a problem for a man when he has none.

I hope I said this right...i've written it three times before posting.

Sorry, I don't quite get it but I wish I did.

Sarah.....I think in short she means God willing everything will work out as it is destined to. Leaving your destiny to the one who created it is best.

Maybe a woman who is completly able to have children, may not conceive.

A woman who has been told she cant bare childbirth, may conceieve. You just never truly know what god has destined for you.

Hope this helps.

[sarah and hicham 3]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I would put it this way....there certainly an expectation that a married couple will have children. The parents of the couple may have more of an expectation than the couple themselves. We have seen this same expectation on American couples (though in general the pressure is less these days it seems).

But add to this expectation, a acceptance that your destiny is not so much in your hands as in the hands of God...why do you think people say "insha'allah" so often....and this man marrying a woman unable to produce children is just as likely to accept this as his future. As a result the expectation to have children does not translate into a problem for a man when he has none.

I hope I said this right...i've written it three times before posting.

Sorry, I don't quite get it but I wish I did.

Sarah.....I think in short she means God willing everything will work out as it is destined to. Leaving your destiny to the one who created it is best.

Maybe a woman who is completly able to have children, may not conceive.

A woman who has been told she cant bare childbirth, may conceieve. You just never truly know what god has destined for you.

Hope this helps.

It does! Thanks!

[mybackpages 0]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I would put it this way....there certainly an expectation that a married couple will have children. The parents of the couple may have more of an expectation than the couple themselves. We have seen this same expectation on American couples (though in general the pressure is less these days it seems).

But add to this expectation, a acceptance that your destiny is not so much in your hands as in the hands of God...why do you think people say "insha'allah" so often....and this man marrying a woman unable to produce children is just as likely to accept this as his future. As a result the expectation to have children does not translate into a problem for a man when he has none.

I hope I said this right...i've written it three times before posting.

Sorry, I don't quite get it but I wish I did.

Sarah.....I think in short she means God willing everything will work out as it is destined to. Leaving your destiny to the one who created it is best.

Maybe a woman who is completly able to have children, may not conceive.

A woman who has been told she cant bare childbirth, may conceieve. You just never truly know what god has destined for you.

Hope this helps.

Thanks MelodyJeanne and VP for trying to help me find the right words for what I am trying to say. Let me take another crack at it.

Like most cultures there is a CLEAR expectations that a married couple will have children in the ME/NA. Children are treasured in these cultures. Many couples get married with the expectation they will have children. It is the norm.

In the US we also have this norm. Maybe the expectations are more subtle but they are there.

So if we all agree it is the norm, then I guess you are wondering why a ME/NA man would deliberately choose a wife knowing she is likely not to give him children (as in the case of a much older wife for example).

I was trying to say that the expectation does not play the same role as it would in American culture. In the US I think there often when there is an expectation and we fail to meet it, it is not seen as a positive thing. In the US if we do not live up to an expectation we may feel failure, shame, frustration etc. In the ME/NA cultures I think not meeting the expectation is not seen this way. It is not always int he hands of the individual and their lives are driven more by destiny.

Thus the average ME/NA man probably assumes he will have children someday. Then when he finds the woman he wants to marry AND she is unlikely to give him children. He may decide she is nto the woman for him because he would like to have children OR he may decide this is the woman in his destiny and the expectation for children changes because after all it is all in God's hand anyway.

Does that help?

[sarah and hicham 3]

Even with what you said mybackpages, isn't it still possible to marry someone who's chances are much better at giving birth than someone who is maybe older and who's chances are much less? I guess it could be left up to God but it seems like that sort of thing can be controlled to a certain extent.

[mybackpages 0]

Even with what you said mybackpages, isn't it still possible to marry someone who's chances are much better at giving birth than someone who is maybe older and who's chances are much less? I guess it could be left up to God but it seems like that sort of thing can be controlled to a certain extent.

yes but don't forget the other factors involved in chosing a woman to marry like love, attraction, economics etc...

I think the man who is willing to leave it in God's hands must really want to marry this woman. (He has fallen in love etc...)Otherwise he would chose the woman who would give him a better chance at having children. And for many of these ME/NA potential grandparents, it is better for your son to be happily married without children than not to marry at all.

Edited October 29, 2006 by mybackpages

[sarah and hicham 3]

Even with what you said mybackpages, isn't it still possible to marry someone who's chances are much better at giving birth than someone who is maybe older and who's chances are much less? I guess it could be left up to God but it seems like that sort of thing can be controlled to a certain extent.

yes but don't forget the other factors involved in chosing a woman to marry like love, attraction, economics etc...

I think the man who is willing to leave it in God's hands must really want to marry this woman. (He has fallen in love etc...)Otherwise he would chose the woman who would give him a better chance at having children. And for many of these ME/NA potential grandparents, it is better for your son to be happily married without children than not to marry at all.

What about arranged marriages when the man never gets to really know the woman before they are married? What do you think important factors are in that type of marriage? Surely it isn't for love. I guess economics could come into play there.

[Veiled Princess 1]

Everything is in God's hands.... a young woman who marries early may live to be 102 and never have a single child... she may have her first child when she is 63... or she could have 13 before she's 40... it's ALL up to God.

[Together4ever 1]

Sarah,

Perhaps reasons for marriage are as individual and unique as the couple who embark on it. Sure there are assumptions, stigmas, expectations... so what? People choose what they want. Not all people toddle along behind what the guy before him did blindly.

What you assume may be for some and not for others. Procreation isn't the sole reason for marriage for all couples no matter where they're from. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. That's the attitude we have. I don't think its quite fair to assume all men from the ME/NA region demand offspring or find a wife unworthy. Some do, yes, but not all.