Is this typical for a Filipina?

[lierre 224]

OP: I believe this is not just about being Filipina. But your relationship, too... Your marriage. Everyone needs time to open up to other people. Your fiancee might be taking more time than you, but that doesn't mean she won't be able to. As they said, just be patient. And continue to encourage her to explore possibilities and to plan your life together.

[rlogan 2,036]

My fiancee told me she has some goals and dreams. She just keeps it to herself, at least for now. I hope she will eventually be comfortable enough to share her goals and dreams with me, but time will tell...

To Mogambi, my fiancee's goals and dreams may very well be different from mine, which is one reason I asked her, instead of assume that I know her dreams and goals.

Bingo! This is your marriage risk. We don't have enough information on your history to know how to evaluate it. Maybe you met her on the internet, saw her once for three days, not even in her city, and all this talking about things is online. Couple that with being secretive about the past - and its a sea of red flags. On the other hand you may have a long history with this girl.

They're yellow flags at the least. Is there some emergency to get married without knowing her well enough first? She could open up over time and become a fine wife. When they don't tell you things it is because they don't trust you. Could be a girl with self-image problems, depression - any number of things. But I would want to know someone's hopes and dreams before pledging marriage.

[Que Saudade 284]

Man, I can't help but think you are way off base here. Thinking about their future, be it from an employment or marital point of view, is pretty important in all the Filipinas I have met and talked to.

My wife saved a lot of money before we met and during our dating months.

And as for showering and brushing teeth... that is an individual thing, certainly does not apply to a group of people, unless they live under the same roof. I know my wife brushes at least three times a day, and flosses about the same. Never had a cavity in her life. And has the sweetest breath I have ever been around. So if you are insinuating that Filipinas aren't as clean as Americans... you are WAY wrong. Ever hear of a tabo before you met her? I think not...

You should read some of his other posts. Check it out I will let you be the judge how off base he can be.

[Que Saudade 284]

To Daniel99, I hope you were just joking, and not being serious, because if your reply was serious, and that is truly how you feel, then I feel your point of view is a condescending generalization. I hope for your wife's sake, you do not truly believe that Filipinos are just ephemeral thinkers. By your rhetorical question, it sounds like you are implying that you know everything about your wife's culture. If you truly feel that way, then I feel sorry for you, since that would mean you have nothing new to learn, and nothing new to discover about your wife's culture – a pretty boring existence.

Actually, it saddens me to say I don't think he was. Check this post by him out.... Unbelievable

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Actually, it saddens me to say I don't think he was. Check this post by him out.... Unbelievable

Hmmm. Interesting... I wonder where he has lived since filing? And where he actually filed?

[finallyfree 2]

You are going to marry this girl, but do not know her culture?

Filipinos are ephemeral thinkers. They do not think about the future. Only the day. That's why simple things for a westerner are lost in the mind of the Filipino.

Such as saving money, using birth control, getting an education, even showering and brushing their teeth. Just a different culture.

I disagree.

[finallyfree 2]

visaopt, just be patient with her. She will eventually open up - sooner or later.

Edited July 20, 2012 by finallyfree

[Hank_ 9,174]

I disagree.

Ignore the troll, he's only trying to get reactions from people...

[gretchen_darren 67]

Been reading this, and hope the OP is still around. Don't worry about her hopes and reams. right now her focus is on her home. If she is a poor family, she is probably worried about food, rice, etc. Where the next meal is coming from. She may be getting pressure from family on getting support and help from you to make life better. Family may be thinking since is dating a Kano she is "suddenly rich". Ask more about her parents, learn what her parents do, and how they make money and make a living. Her focus is on her parents, even when she comes to USA to be with you. It is a different focus. Take the focus off of her and her dreams, focus on her parents, their dreams what they want to do, and if the parents want to come to the USA in time, what you and her will have to do to make it happen. By taking the focus form her to her parents, she will start opening up in time. This worked very well for me. Learn the village and their ways, and their structure. Show interest in the family and how they make money. Be prepared for a HUGE culture shock when coming to the USA and spending much, much time with her. If you can spend a few days at home, or work from home for a couple of weeks, it will help. Find Filipinas in the area you live, get them talking to her now, that way she has someone to come and talk with once she gets here. Just be patient....focus on the parents and do what you can to help them, show you care about her parents, once you take the focus away, she will open up.

[newbster 4]

I'm not a Filipina, I'm an Americano.

But something you might think about is just backing off on that topic, let her stay silent for now and open up in her own time. She might have several reasons for silence on that topic. Pressing in any relationship leads to strain I think, so just sit back and let her flower open in her own time. Be there to support her, but don't press at all or even have expectations in that area. Just a thought, unsolicited thought so I hope you don't mind. Good luck.

[lierre 224]

You are going to marry this girl, but do not know her culture?

Filipinos are ephemeral thinkers. They do not think about the future. Only the day. That's why simple things for a westerner are lost in the mind of the Filipino.

Such as saving money, using birth control, getting an education, even showering and brushing their teeth. Just a different culture.

Oh wow. Troll.

He claimed to have gotten a CR-1 the same day he applied for it.

I believe reporting should be done, yes?

[visaopt 3]

To all, thanks for the feedback. I talked to my fiancee last night, and told her the feedback I got from members of VisaJourney, and here was her reply:

She trust me with the most private,personal and intimate details of her life – so we do not lack trust in each other.

After she realized I have pretty big dreams for her, and have confidence in her, more confidence than she has in herself, she felt embarrassed to tell me her relatively modest and basic goals and dreams she has for herself.

While she appreciates me thinking ahead for her sake, and having confidence in her, she cannot help but think that I am not totally objective, and that my confidence in her, is based more on my love for her, than on the basis of her actual accomplishments to honestly justify such confidence she has in herself. Understanding this, I now realize that it is not enough to tell her I am confident in her, I will need to help her experience more successes in her life, to slowly help her build her self-confidence.

She also acknowledged that I am more the strategic thinker in our relationship, and she is more comfortable as the tactical thinker. That's not to say which type of thinking is best or better, but rather, given her current circumstance, of just day to day survival, she feels it is appropriate for her to tactically think, about near term issues, to accomplish one step,before she thinks about the next step.

So I will be more patient. I told my fiancee, when she is ready to talk about her dreams and goals, I am ready and willing, to help her believe in her dreams and goals, and then do what I can to help her achieve it.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

What's the lesson?

/

Edited July 21, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[rlogan 2,036]

To all, thanks for the feedback. I talked to my fiancee last night, and told her the feedback I got from members of VisaJourney, and here was her reply:

She trust me with the most private,personal and intimate details of her life – so we do not lack trust in each other.

After she realized I have pretty big dreams for her, and have confidence in her, more confidence than she has in herself, she felt embarrassed to tell me her relatively modest and basic goals and dreams she has for herself.

While she appreciates me thinking ahead for her sake, and having confidence in her, she cannot help but think that I am not totally objective, and that my confidence in her, is based more on my love for her, than on the basis of her actual accomplishments to honestly justify such confidence she has in herself. Understanding this, I now realize that it is not enough to tell her I am confident in her, I will need to help her experience more successes in her life, to slowly help her build her self-confidence.

She also acknowledged that I am more the strategic thinker in our relationship, and she is more comfortable as the tactical thinker. That's not to say which type of thinking is best or better, but rather, given her current circumstance, of just day to day survival, she feels it is appropriate for her to tactically think, about near term issues, to accomplish one step,before she thinks about the next step.

So I will be more patient. I told my fiancee, when she is ready to talk about her dreams and goals, I am ready and willing, to help her believe in her dreams and goals, and then do what I can to help her achieve it.

In short, you told her you would put up with it. On the logic that she shares all her most intimate secrets with you... except for the secret ones.

Your locker at the boxing gym is being cleaned out.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

In short, you told her you would put up with it. On the logic that she shares all her most intimate secrets with you... except for the secret ones.

Your locker at the boxing gym is being cleaned out.

That is one way to put it. At this point, she will tell you anything you need to hear, and being a woman, she always has the prerogative to change her mind, no matter what she promised before, all with the best of intentions. Just remember blood is thicker than water, and you will find out about all the dreams her family has for her to fulfill, once she arrives in America.