Leaving Las Vegas, or Brooklyn or Miami

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KryX_QRz2io

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT9PeRQBvj8

Feeling nostaligic


I am the throws ( did I spell that correctly) of the end of my journey. He has naturalised and has told me he wants to go home as soon as his passport arrives.He also told me this morning that he needs to do something "about me." I promptly answered " Don't worry honey, it will be easy to "get rid of me." I calmly told him that I was not going to do anything to stand in the way of his chance to get married and have kids ( even though I still can have and could have had them this entire time)He did not say it in an unkind manner. Just , I need to get rid of you now that I have what I need and want. I felt like a cat left behind when the owner is moving. I know its not really that way and I had choices all along but I am still sad. Kind of like got stood up for the prom sad. Not bitter angry freak out sad. Dumped sad.

I am not bitter. My bones just hurt. I got so used for papers and I know it in every part of my being. But I am not angry towards him. I am trying to hold on to any good feeling or good thing that happened the last 6 years of my life.

I just kept repeating "it will be easy to get rid of me" to myself over and over again while driving today and after the day's work calmed down, I just had to write you guys. I am sad but I am not sullen, tired but I did not give up on love ...but it really really really sucks when you realise that someone never ever ever loved you. I am trying to figure out what exactly I got out of the last 6 years of my life with him. I feel happy for him that he has the world at his feet but I don't know what I walked away from any of this with. I am examining myself, my character... and trying to frame this. That is a psychotherapeutic way of dealing with things.. called reframing or looking at things from another angle. Maybe my time with him saved me from someone worse I could have met, who knows? The weird thing is I want so badly for him to be happy and feel loved and yes, have a child with a woman he loves. I just do not know where I fit into this equation or who I am in all of this. Am I supposed to be the bigger person and be happy for everyone. Can I mourne a little somewhere, like in a park on a bench LOL? Am I allowed to feel a little sorry for myself at all? I brought it all on myself so I wonder if I am allowed to grieve.

I just needed to take it to my mena sisters and talk because maybe some of you have gone through getting dumped. I feel kind of like a crumpled piece of paper in some ways. In some ways, I know I changed someones entire future and life.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KryX_QRz2io

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT9PeRQBvj8

Feeling nostaligic

I am the throws ( did I spell that correctly) of the end of my journey. He has naturalised and has told me he wants to go home as soon as his passport arrives.He also told me this morning that he needs to do something "about me." I promptly answered " Don't worry honey, it will be easy to "get rid of me." I calmly told him that I was not going to do anything to stand in the way of his chance to get married and have kids ( even though I still can have and could have had them this entire time)He did not say it in an unkind manner. Just , I need to get rid of you now that I have what I need and want. I felt like a cat left behind when the owner is moving. I know its not really that way and I had choices all along but I am still sad. Kind of like got stood up for the prom sad. Not bitter angry freak out sad. Dumped sad.

I am not bitter. My bones just hurt. I got so used for papers and I know it in every part of my being. But I am not angry towards him. I am trying to hold on to any good feeling or good thing that happened the last 6 years of my life.

I just kept repeating "it will be easy to get rid of me" to myself over and over again while driving today and after the day's work calmed down, I just had to write you guys. I am sad but I am not sullen, tired but I did not give up on love ...but it really really really sucks when you realise that someone never ever ever loved you. I am trying to figure out what exactly I got out of the last 6 years of my life with him. I feel happy for him that he has the world at his feet but I don't know what I walked away from any of this with. I am examining myself, my character... and trying to frame this. That is a psychotherapeutic way of dealing with things.. called reframing or looking at things from another angle. Maybe my time with him saved me from someone worse I could have met, who knows? The weird thing is I want so badly for him to be happy and feel loved and yes, have a child with a woman he loves. I just do not know where I fit into this equation or who I am in all of this. Am I supposed to be the bigger person and be happy for everyone. Can I mourne a little somewhere, like in a park on a bench LOL? Am I allowed to feel a little sorry for myself at all? I brought it all on myself so I wonder if I am allowed to grieve.

I just needed to take it to my mena sisters and talk because maybe some of you have gone through getting dumped. I feel kind of like a crumpled piece of paper in some ways. In some ways, I know I changed someones entire future and life.

I hope you guys don't take what I am posting the wrong way. I am just talking about how I am feeling. I am not saying that the whole situation is not my fault. I brought him here and put up with ####### I shouldnt have. I think I just want someone to give me permission to mourne the loss of all of this . When I talk to my mom, she hates him so much , she said just screw him LOL. Even though he has been bad to me in so many ways, I feel compassion towards him, which shocks me. I want the best for him. I just want to know where I am in all of this. Am I allowed to grieve? Can I feel a little mad sometime and feel used? Should I just completely block things out and deal very mechanically through all of this? Even in the worst of situations, when you had time between people, you are left with alot to work through. I am sorry for talking about this I just am having problems processing all of this , especially without feeling very bad about myself in the end ( which may be pointless..) but I do feel the loss

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Why is that guy still coming around ? I thought he was living elsewhere. Cut it, Kat. Tell him to take the rest of his stuff, and to file a change of address form at the post office, or you are going to mark all his mail "return to sender - addressee has moved, new address unknown." Stop letting him torture you. He is obviously enjoying being cruel to you - so stop letting him. Tell him to go away, you are done now.

You will feel a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders if you will just cut this toxic relationship.

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

agreed with wom, and it's "throes"

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Tell him straight up -

[Staashi 371]

Kat, first and foremost, ** him and the horse he rode in on.

Sister, don't you think you've mourned this relationship enough? As a comedian once said about Israelites walking in the desert, ”Sometimes, you have to let the bread rise.” I, and I'm sure everyone else included, wants you to start your new life or ** that, start LIVING the life you have right now. I realize that hopes and dreams died when he turned out to be a fvcktard. But sh!t, you have got to create and establish new hopes, new dreams. So, my dear friend, take the black ribbon off your heart and off of your brain...open yourself anew to all that life has to offer.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Him saying he has to do something about you... Sounds pure evil! You need to pull yourself together & leave him outta your life for good! Don't trust any person that says they need to do something about you.

[momof1 205]

Yup, Eff him. Do you really believe he's going to go back to Algeria? Heck no, he isn't. He's going to come running right back to the US...believe me. I understand investing your time in someone and it being difficult to let go. Really, I get it. What I don't get is your seemingly endless concern for his wellbeing over your own. You helped him remove conditions. Fine. Why in the world would you help him get his citizenship? You should have made him wait it out 5 years. It's long after the time you should have cut him loose. I think you feel guilty about divorcing him yourself so you make him do it himself. If you allow people like this to use you then they always will. Don't allow him to use you any longer. He will take advantage of you for the rest of your life if you let him...new wife and kids or not.

I know I've told you this before personally, but you really need to talk to a professional if you haven't already. Your postings don't come across as a person who is in the right state of mind. I say that not being critical but out of absolute concern for your mental wellbeing. You have every right to be sad. You've already given him too many years though. Please don't waste any more crying over what could have or should have been.

Edited May 18, 2012 by momof1

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Yup, Eff him. Do you really believe he's going to go back to Algeria? Heck no, he isn't. He's going to come running right back to the US...believe me. I understand investing your time in someone and it being difficult to let go. Really, I get it. What I don't get is your seemingly endless concern for his wellbeing over your own. You helped him remove conditions. Fine. Why in the world would you help him get his citizenship? You should have made him wait it out 5 years. It's long after the time you should have cut him loose. I think you feel guilty about divorcing him yourself so you make him do it himself. If you allow people like this to use you then they always will. Don't allow him to use you any longer. He will take advantage of you for the rest of your life if you let him...new wife and kids or not.

I know I've told you this before personally, but you really need to talk to a professional if you haven't already. Your postings don't come across as a person who is in the right state of mind. I say that not being critical but out of absolute concern for your mental wellbeing. You have every right to be sad. You've already given him too many years though. Please don't waste any more crying over what could have or should have been.

Hes been out of the house for a while but would come back and forth as bad things happened to him lifewise. I have had several months in between where I didnt talk to him then he would come back etc and I am in counseling. I am having a hard time dealing with all of it..Hes played me alot.. Secondly one thing I didnt really talk about is that I have been desperately sick and hospitalised already twice this year with auto immune illnesss. I have not been able to walk for the last 2 days and have had to have salumedrol infusions. In November of 2010 I woke up one day with my body on fire and intermittantly, I cannot walk or stand. They checked me for MS and then determined I have mixed connective tissue disease with respiratory failure so its back and forth into the hospital. He has taken advantage of me alot. But I am happy that at least I dont have the guilt of leaving him without hope here. I want him to be able to visit his child at the cemetary and have a life here.. I am not feeling that ragey anger women have when they get dumped. I am just trying to put my life back together. My health is really bad, in fact I almost died in February when my lungs shut down. I dont know if I explained that my husband has some kind of illness where he hears voices sometimes.. its not exactly schizophrenia but he cries and get scared so there is alot more to this than just his status. I should have never brought him him to begin with but his family was not honest about his mental state (his uncle is a full blown schizophrenic.) It has been very exhausting.

I am going to be ok. My business has finally picked up and I am working more than in years and my kids are doing great and I am back very close with my family. I am just in some kind of mourning.. its a combo of my child. It seems like that after 4 years , I should be over losing my son but I am not... I just like to talk to you guys... But hes not living here now ( my husband) but he does seem to still rely on me and depend on me a lot... Ive been very kind to him.. But I do have a life now. I am just not involved with anyone else and I still help him with things.. ( not money or anything)

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Yup, Eff him. Do you really believe he's going to go back to Algeria? Heck no, he isn't. He's going to come running right back to the US...believe me. I understand investing your time in someone and it being difficult to let go. Really, I get it. What I don't get is your seemingly endless concern for his wellbeing over your own. You helped him remove conditions. Fine. Why in the world would you help him get his citizenship? You should have made him wait it out 5 years. It's long after the time you should have cut him loose. I think you feel guilty about divorcing him yourself so you make him do it himself. If you allow people like this to use you then they always will. Don't allow him to use you any longer. He will take advantage of you for the rest of your life if you let him...new wife and kids or not.

I know I've told you this before personally, but you really need to talk to a professional if you haven't already. Your postings don't come across as a person who is in the right state of mind. I say that not being critical but out of absolute concern for your mental wellbeing. You have every right to be sad. You've already given him too many years though. Please don't waste any more crying over what could have or should have been.

Its not guilt exactly. I just want him to be safe and happy and have something good out of all of this after losing his child. I do love him truly and you are right. I want closure and to start over and I appreciate what you are saying Momof 1.

No one can ever say I didnt do right by him and I did my very best..I dont feel sorry for myself. I just want to let everything out and decompress from all the stuff that went on. I agree about taking advantage of me and that i have to completely cut ties.. Thats coming. I am just having a very hard time processing everything and have for a while. This whole process caused me alot of damage and even though the journey is over, I am still feeling as if its continuing. There is nothing else to take from me or use me for and that in many ways is a huge relief...

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I meant to mention re: the Rihanna cover...

The original "You Don't Love Me" by Dawn Penn (from the 1960s) cannot be outdone. Even Penn's 90s remix was a smash hit - and it still trumps the Rihanna:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_LKYyXFFrU

[momof1 205]

Its not guilt exactly. I just want him to be safe and happy and have something good out of all of this after losing his child. I do love him truly and you are right. I want closure and to start over and I appreciate what you are saying Momof 1.

And who looks out for you? What good is being given to YOU for losing your son? You deserve safety and happiness too. I hope you know that.

[Staashi 371]

Amen! Stop worrying about this POS and worry about your own self. When I think back to the atrocious things he did to you when Rayan was born and the days leading up to and after, it makes me ill. Let him fvcking fend for himself. Sh!t, I'd be more inclined to make a phone call or send an email with his A# letting them know the misery that you have lived through with him, and that for all these years he has been a husband in name only.

[Mithra 1,185]

I understand mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for this marriage. I understand your continued mourning of your son. That will most likely never fully go away. Your husband is just not a good guy. He may be mentally ill and that may have a lot to do with some of his behavior but I really think he's just not a good guy at all. You've done your best and you've done all you can for him. He's a citizen now so you've finished the job you started. I know it hurts that you were used for papers but lots of women are so you're not alone there. You have to stop trying to be the good little wife you think he wants. It's not good enough for him, never was, never will be. It's devastating to know that the person you thought wanted you and wanted to make a life with you doesn't really want that at all. I know you know it. I know you're having a hard time letting go. There is nothing more you need to do for him. You owe him nothing. He is not a child so you don't have to take care of him. Change your locks, don't let him in your home anymore. You will never fully heal if you keep letting him back in and putting on the facade that you're still his dutiful wife. You want to move on so let yourself. I feel like you think what your doing is being the dutiful wife of a MENA guy. Not even MENA women put up with this nonsense from MENA guys. Forget about all you know about MENA ppl, this is not normal, Kat. You may have known tons of MENA ppl but believe me this behavior is not normal. A respectful MENA guy would never behave like he has. Ever. Keep reminding yourself - you owe him nothing. You did your part. You were the good wife you thought he wanted. You don't need to worry about his future happiness because honestly, this kind of person will NEVER be happy or satisfied. If he's not doing it to you, he'll do it to another woman. It's not you, it's him. Let him go and let him be someone else's problem. And don't worry about losing that link to your son -your son will always be yours. He'll always be in your heart. You don't have to stay connected to his father to maintain a connection with him.

Keep working on yourself to let go of him. It will help you move on and find the love that you desire.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Mithra

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]