Transition Issues

[MissAAA 9]

This is my new favorite thread because its simply, REAL.

[sara80 17]

Having a tough night tonight. My husband is extremely busy and under a lot of pressure and it just makes all this harder to deal with. He came home tonight, read his paper on the porch, went for a nap until dinner was ready and then we both spent the night on our laptops. He always seems so tired when he gets home, so I don't like to make demands of him, but when all you have for company all day is a dog and the same old house chores it feels soul destroying. I wish I could disappear.

I have some tummy flu bug, so I can't go to the gym and I really don't feel like going out of the house.

He's not a neglectful husband and he does his best to meet my needs, but I guess, they are a bit needy right now. He went off to bed, because he was p@ssed off, took the dogs bed and closed the door. And, all it does is make me feel like this is not my home and that I should not go in there. I miss my own bedroom and having my own things. I am sick of feeling like all I want to do is cry and I am sick of exposing my feelings on here.

I am struggling tonight.

how much I understand you, sometimes it was the same last summer when I spent 3 months with him. He would come home and I was like a lil doggy when his owner comes back but only gets a pat on its head and told to stay calm. Haha! In a way I am glad he has been himself, I understood he was tired from work and needed some time for himself but when you are on that state of mind like you are now, even him going for a nap "drove me nuts": in my head I was like: see, he doesn't care about me..

We have also been on holiday together in Italy and there he was more attentive to me, so I know it is cos he is drained after work, he doesn't particularly like it, so it is quite understandable.

So I know how its going to be after the first month!

Probably, if you were the USC, being a woman you would put your clothes of wonderwoman on and you'd still be attentive even after the worst day at work, but you know.. men.. they are not mean, sometimes they just don't get it

Is there anything that you have always been wanting to do if you had more time for yourself? Maybe its time to find a new hobby? Now spring is approaching so maybe you can cycle to places?

Hope you'll feel better very soon! Hugs

[Darnell 8,478]

back to post #1?

No SSN? Get one before yer window runs out.

No driver's license? Get a small scooter, under 49.5 CC engine size.

IMO, these two things, handled quickly, will change the domain as you knew it, yesterday, into something that's 'more better' for you, today.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Hei there, sorry for posting in a UK thread. I haven't been here so long that I forget where I originate from. Am sorry you're going through some hard times.

The feeling you're describing are precisely what I went through and still go through at times. The frustration of finally being together and then realizing it's like spending less time than we did when skyping. Husband worn out after a day of work and me all ready to be in the company of somebody. That somebody being my husband and not "making friends with mother in law" or something similar. I brought my dog from Denmark and it's was great to preserve my sanity with something from home and my language but there's a limitation to dog talk, training and walking. Even walking her seemed odd because I couldn't recognize anything or see a familiar face just once in a while. I felt like it was a prison at some times. Not really having my husband understand that e.g. when the internet connection was down, then my direct "phone line" to my Danish family and close friends was down as well even though me might not call each other, it was still symbolic and just added to being sad. I started collecting "junk". You know, nick nacks you'd have in your apartment/house that's your junk. Had my mum send me a bunch of stupid luna-stuff(an old cup, 2 teddy bears I've had since yay high, my pillow sheets which were xmas present from my parents). I have about 30 pictures up behind my computer - they're mostly from different times throughout my life spanding from chasing frogs as a 5 year old with brother and cousins to new years eve 2 years ago with childhood friends.

I was here for 7 months without my own transportation or anything to do for 12 hours a day than wait to be with the whole reason for moving. If it's possible, get a scooter, it doesn't require a license to ride anything below 50cc. It'll get you far whether it's to go to the gym, the mall or just fell the freedom in your hair. Believe me - I'm riding around in thunderstorms and freezing my a** off but it feels good to have some sort of independency.

Feel free to pm me. It will get better with time and I hope you keep that in mind even though it's got nothing to do with how you're feeling right now.

OMG! The visualization of you driving your scooter in the rain and thunder actually made me laugh out loud. Ha, ha, ha. I feel a little resistant to getting a scooter as I am still recovering from a closed head injury. I don't think it would be safe for me right now, but the idea is a great one, and perhaps as I heal I can think about it.

I don't want people to think my husband is an unthoughtful #######, because he really is an attentive, thoughtful and incredibly caring husband, it's just the demands of his working life and this situation. I need my pictures, too. I am going to get on and ask my friend today if she can help me out with that.

I can totally relate to everything you have said.

back to post #1?

No SSN? Get one before yer window runs out.

No driver's license? Get a small scooter, under 49.5 CC engine size.

IMO, these two things, handled quickly, will change the domain as you knew it, yesterday, into something that's 'more better' for you, today.

I have the SSN now

[Vicky and Larry 27]

how much I understand you, sometimes it was the same last summer when I spent 3 months with him. He would come home and I was like a lil doggy when his owner comes back but only gets a pat on its head and told to stay calm. Haha! In a way I am glad he has been himself, I understood he was tired from work and needed some time for himself but when you are on that state of mind like you are now, even him going for a nap "drove me nuts": in my head I was like: see, he doesn't care about me..

We have also been on holiday together in Italy and there he was more attentive to me, so I know it is cos he is drained after work, he doesn't particularly like it, so it is quite understandable.

So I know how its going to be after the first month!

Probably, if you were the USC, being a woman you would put your clothes of wonderwoman on and you'd still be attentive even after the worst day at work, but you know.. men.. they are not mean, sometimes they just don't get it

Is there anything that you have always been wanting to do if you had more time for yourself? Maybe its time to find a new hobby? Now spring is approaching so maybe you can cycle to places?

Hope you'll feel better very soon! Hugs

I can totally relate to the puppy dog feeling, ugh! I have applied for some voluntary work, so I am awaiting that starting. It's a pretty day here today, blue skies and sunny, so I may just go out in the garden and soak up some rays. Sod the housework for an afternoon.

Thank you.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Krikit 1,164]

Awww, I felt sad at your post from last night. But I knew how you felt! lol How are you feeling today, Vicky?

I think that adjusting to married life is difficult in itself. I've heard the first 10 years are the worst. Throw in a location and lifestyle adjustment and you've just multiplied that ten-fold. Hang in there, kid!

back to post #1?

No SSN? Get one before yer window runs out.

No driver's license? Get a small scooter, under 49.5 CC engine size.

IMO, these two things, handled quickly, will change the domain as you knew it, yesterday, into something that's 'more better' for you, today.

For the love of God, man! Read the thread before you post! She had already explained she had the SSN before your first post! She even responded to your first post with that information!!!

Edited May 9, 2012 by Krikit

[Moomin 292]

OMG! The visualization of you driving your scooter in the rain and thunder actually made me laugh out loud. Ha, ha, ha. I feel a little resistant to getting a scooter as I am still recovering from a closed head injury. I don't think it would be safe for me right now, but the idea is a great one, and perhaps as I heal I can think about it.

I don't want people to think my husband is an unthoughtful #######, because he really is an attentive, thoughtful and incredibly caring husband, it's just the demands of his working life and this situation. I need my pictures, too. I am going to get on and ask my friend today if she can help me out with that.

I can totally relate to everything you have said.

I have the SSN now

Yeah well, not that often I run into other people out in the Windiana t-storm weather with a cheesy grin on their face. It's lovely though - look forward to getting my license/car/mc nonetheless. Hopefully you'll get better soon, heal up and have a few more choices.

I understand - you're not trying to speak bad about your husband, it's just the situation and him not having gone through it makes it where you can't relate to each other. It was "easier" before when missing each other and going through the same.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Awww, I felt sad at your post from last night. But I knew how you felt! lol How are you feeling today, Vicky?

I think that adjusting to married life is difficult in itself. I've heard the first 10 years are the worst. Throw in a location and lifestyle adjustment and you've just multiplied that ten-fold. Hang in there, kid!

For the love of God, man! Read the thread before you post! She had already explained she had the SSN before your first post! She even responded to your first post with that information!!!

You are right they are big changes when you put them all together. I wish I could just find my motivation - it feels like I am a little depressed, which I hope passes soon. Larry said I could go see a counselor, but I don't think I need that. I told him that lots of people on here relate to what I have said, and that how I am feeling is part of the process. Yesterday I cleaned the basement and today I cleaned the porch - call me Cinderella

Last night when we were in bed we started chatting about stuff. I started to feel really anxious that I would not be able to find my place here, you know, that grounded feeling. Anyway, I didn't wake-up feeling like that, but I was feeling angry today when I was cleaning. I feel this tension between feeling happy that we are married and together now, and this utter lost feeling. I feel like I am repeating myself, but I hope eventually by saying all this out loud that there will be some shift.

My tummy is feeling better today, so I am going to resume with my gym sessions as from tomorrow. There are classes at the gym that I know I would love to join, but my confidence doesn't feel as good as it usually does, and I keep talking myself out of it. I think I need to push myself and go and just see what happens. What's the worse scenario - that I look like a complete prat.

I am going to ask my husband if we can get some flowers and some hanging baskets, so that I can put them together for the porch, and make this place look like a girl lives here

Gotta go shower.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

This house that I am living in used to be my husbands home with his first wife, they lived here for 12 years and were married for 14 years. Larry lived on his own here as a bachelor for 3 years, but I wonder sometimes whether that fact is bothering me? ....I have to shower....

[Vicky and Larry 27]

The boys came home and both have gone to bed, so I am alone once again, except this time I don't have the dog as she is with my husband (seems like everyone is having their needs met but me). I really don't know if I can continue on like this? I feel like I have this tight band in my stomach and right now it feels like it's going to snap. What the hell would I do? Go back to the U.K where I left everything behind? I don't want to do that in my heart of hearts. I don't have family and apart from a few friends that is my only link. By the time we have dinner we will have around 3 hours together, and yes I do remember the days when I wished for 3 hours together, but not like this. Not when I feel so angry and want to shout at my husband, like it's his fault. Maybe I will just have to disturb him for a while and go in the bedroom and get my gym kit on, so that I can walk to the gym and take all my frustrations out in there? I wish they had one of those boxing classes, because I would be happy to hit something really hard about now.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I just got back from the gym. Boy it feels good. I didn't beat up on anyone or myself, but I did make myself sweat a lot. I am going to try to go every day and have the weekends off, that way when my husband and my son are having their own life I can have something that just belongs to me too. I need these endorphins to help me through this phase. I said to my husband that what I liked about going this evening, was that it reminded me of my old life when I could do what I wanted when I wanted without having to rely on anyone else.

I am trying my best to be okay and stop being a big ole' grump.

I highly recommend the gym to anyone who is feeling any of these feelings. I wish somewhere on here were close by that I could go with. Anyway, tomorrow I will be at the gym again.

Goodnight everyone and thank you for putting up with me.

I hope it's okay that I take up this space?

Anyway, good night ya' all.

[Elora & Rob 15]

Vicky i think allot of your posts have gone to show me why a me as the man moving was a huge factor in the decision making process and your experience may have gone to show that its going to be the correct one.

My fiance is very loving and sweet. She loves to take care of me and is understanding of my feelings. While I am more of a protector/hunter who just gets on with things and like you i can let things get me down easily. Overall i feel i will be better at adapting to a new life over my fiance, and that she will be better at looking after me when i am sad and down. this outweighed any financial factors in my mind when making the decision.

In terms of your issues, I have to be straight with you. Toughen up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know your a psychiatrist with allot of time on her hands but your over thinking everything . If you think you feel bad now imagine how your going to feel in 6 months time if your moving back to the UK with your kids, getting a divorce and telling everybody you said goodbye to that you ###### up. Marrage is hard for anyone, and the situation you put yourself in by choice is tough but you must have known this from the beginning.

stop worrying about some head injury, or a tummy bug. that stuff is all in your head. you go to a Dr they will find something wrong with you. You moved 5000miles across the world for this man. You love him and he loves you to. Everything is going to be ok you just need to mentally toughen up.

THINGS WILL WORK OUT.

[Krikit 1,164]

This house that I am living in used to be my husbands home with his first wife, they lived here for 12 years and were married for 14 years. Larry lived on his own here as a bachelor for 3 years, but I wonder sometimes whether that fact is bothering me? ....I have to shower....

I think you'd feel that way even if there wasn't an ex who used to live there. It's the adjustment of moving into someone else's space.... your husband's. Give it time, Vicky. Soon you'll have it looking like your own space. Flowers will help an awful lot. I just love my flowers.

Sounds like your husband has a short nap when he comes home from work? I'd just accept that.... he needs the rest. They work awfully long hours here in the US. (I'm including travel time.) One day you'll be happy to have that "alone" time.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Vicky i think allot of your posts have gone to show me why a me as the man moving was a huge factor in the decision making process and your experience may have gone to show that its going to be the correct one.

My fiance is very loving and sweet. She loves to take care of me and is understanding of my feelings. While I am more of a protector/hunter who just gets on with things and like you i can let things get me down easily. Overall i feel i will be better at adapting to a new life over my fiance, and that she will be better at looking after me when i am sad and down. this outweighed any financial factors in my mind when making the decision.

In terms of your issues, I have to be straight with you. Toughen up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know your a psychiatrist with allot of time on her hands but your over thinking everything . If you think you feel bad now imagine how your going to feel in 6 months time if your moving back to the UK with your kids, getting a divorce and telling everybody you said goodbye to that you ###### up. Marrage is hard for anyone, and the situation you put yourself in by choice is tough but you must have known this from the beginning.

stop worrying about some head injury, or a tummy bug. that stuff is all in your head. you go to a Dr they will find something wrong with you. You moved 5000miles across the world for this man. You love him and he loves you to. Everything is going to be ok you just need to mentally toughen up.

THINGS WILL WORK OUT.

You are right I have been feeling sorry for myself. And, I can be way over-anylitical. I never seriously would move back to the U.K, Larry is my soul-mate, my best-friend, and although I know I would have a life without him if that ever happened, I can't imagine a life without him. The head injury is not in my head, though, well it is physically, but not mentally. I have had lots of neurological issues as a result of an accident I had, which saw me receive a very significant blow to the back of the head. I guess, it's just made the transition here a little harder as I don't react to stress the same way I did before the accident.

I am a pretty tough bird when it comes to it, but I have needed a place to vent to help me through everything - it's just my way of dealing with things. Plus, Larry is way overstrecthed right now, and he is not unlike you, in that he is practical and want's to try to fix things, when all I need sometimes is just to be heard.

You guys get to hear me moan and whine

Thank you for taking the time to write. I take all your words in good faith.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I think you'd feel that way even if there wasn't an ex who used to live there. It's the adjustment of moving into someone else's space.... your husband's. Give it time, Vicky. Soon you'll have it looking like your own space. Flowers will help an awful lot. I just love my flowers.

Sounds like your husband has a short nap when he comes home from work? I'd just accept that.... he needs the rest. They work awfully long hours here in the US. (I'm including travel time.) One day you'll be happy to have that "alone" time.

I never realised it would feel so tough to move into someone else's space. I mean, I knew there would be a transition, and I knew it would feel different, but not like it has. I can be an impatient git, and sometimes that adds fuel to the fire, because I just want everything to feel okay. I think I just have to accept that everything doesn't feel okay, but that I am safe and loved, and soon things will feel different.

Bingo! I just had my epiphany.

Yeah, I guess, one day I will be glad of the alone time. I have a phrase I like to use "the grass isn't greener it's just a different shade". So true!