RUB - FSU children compared to USC children & others

[Laveau 67]

Another off topic by a caba cuz its not fsu kid specific. but oh well. Threads here are always going off tangent, no? I stopped reading at Anita's children are children post. My experience:

American kids can be kind of rude when it comes to hospitality. I've visited homes wirh kids in Romania (several) and afghanstani homes here in the states. The children have a lot more manners to guests. A guest visits and the children (after initial adult greets) comes up to the adult and greets formally. It's quite different from the many many American homes I've visited. One of my bffs is from France. She's VERY FRENCH. But her daughter was born and raised here. I like her daughter. Pleasant girl but she has the typical American kid attitude to guests. When I go over there the girl never says hi or anything first. I and whomever else in company always makes it a point to greet the kid. I find that's very typical of the American child.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

It's great that you are trying to prepare yourself for a blended family experience which is difficult anyway but will have the added pressure of merging cultural concerns as well as the usual 'my family does it this way' issues. (I agree parenting styles differ in different countries)

Speaking as the non-USC spouse who also became a step-mother on my arrival in the US, I think it might be your future wife who finds some of the adjustments more difficult. The best thing you can do now is talk with her as much as possible to make sure you are on the same parenting page.

I've found some of the behavior of my step-daughters' friends shocking compared to the way I was raised or families I know in the UK. For example just yesterday, one friend arrived at our house and walked straight past me, opened the fridge and started helping herself to juice and looking for snacks.

I'm used to living with a budget and most things in our fridge have to last the week - that's how I grew up. If someone just takes the cheese out and cuts half of it for a snack - that was supposed to be for dinner tomorrow etc.

However when I talked to my husband about it he said that he had told this girl on a previous occasion to 'make herself at home' and he thought that included helping herself to any food available at any time.

Now - we never discussed this particular issue before we got married as I could never have imagined it happening - I feel it's the height of rudeness to just poke around in someone else's fridge. Even if I was invited to do that, I don't think I could ever do it.

So I don't know what to do about that - apart from start hiding the cheese - as I don't want to embarrass my step-daughter in front of her friends, as they think this is normal behaviour. A cultural difference I will never get used to.

Maybe I should get a stun-gun.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

My son would never walk into someone's house and help themselves to the contents of their refrigerator. And he's very American.

It's not a cultural thing.

[eekee 182]

Why are people with no experience with FSU children butting in on this thread telling us FSU children are not raised differently? Even as someone who is second-generation American raised by a single mom with very traditional FSU parents, I can say that my mom reacted very differently to certain things than parents who have been American for generations and generations. It's a big topic and one that is very important--and something that can be a real issue in a co-parenting relationship. Kids are kids everywhere, but what childhood means and what the duty of children and parents are varies greatly from culture to culture.

[highlander08 9]

Why are people with no experience with FSU children butting in on this thread telling us FSU children are not raised differently? Even as someone who is second-generation American raised by a single mom with very traditional FSU parents, I can say that my mom reacted very differently to certain things than parents who have been American for generations and generations. It's a big topic and one that is very important--and something that can be a real issue in a co-parenting relationship. Kids are kids everywhere, but what childhood means and what the duty of children and parents are varies greatly from culture to culture.

:thumbs: Here Ye Hear Ye ....... Thats Exactly why I started this post.....

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Why are people with no experience with FSU children butting in on this thread telling us FSU children are not raised differently? Even as someone who is second-generation American raised by a single mom with very traditional FSU parents, I can say that my mom reacted very differently to certain things than parents who have been American for generations and generations. It's a big topic and one that is very important--and something that can be a real issue in a co-parenting relationship. Kids are kids everywhere, but what childhood means and what the duty of children and parents are varies greatly from culture to culture.

I would think they would post about their unbehaved children in the UK forum. Maybe they do not know how to start a topic or do not know what "FSU" means. FWIW our kids friends do not go into our refrigerator without permission. Who ever heard of such a thing? And where the hell is THAT OK? if one of them did, either of us would unceremoniously tell them what for and I wouldn't give a rat's @ss if it hurt Pasha's feelings. He would get over it.

One of his friends WAS flirting pretty heavily with Alla the first time he came over. Until Pasha came downstairs and said "Dude, lets go, that's my mom, not my sister"

Any of you CABA gals have that problem?

Edited April 8, 2012 by Gary and Alla

[Laveau 67]

Yes. Blah

[eekee 182]

I would think they would post about their unbehaved children in the UK forum. Maybe they do not know how to start a topic or do not know what "FSU" means. FWIW our kids friends do not go into our refrigerator without permission. Who ever heard of such a thing? And where the hell is THAT OK? if one of them did, either of us would unceremoniously tell them what for and I wouldn't give a rat's @ss if it hurt Pasha's feelings. He would get over it.

One of his friends WAS flirting pretty heavily with Alla the first time he came over. Until Pasha came downstairs and said "Dude, lets go, that's my mom, not my sister"

Any of you CABA gals have that problem?

Haha, and here those of us who are sisters of protective older brothers can see that Pasha decidedly does NOT have sisters.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Haha, and here those of us who are sisters of protective older brothers can see that Pasha decidedly does NOT have sisters.

Correct. And Pasha will not be seen in a dicussion of living with FSU sisters because he would have nothing to add and know he should probably...um, contribute(?) elsewhere.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Why are people with no experience with FSU children butting in on this thread telling us FSU children are not raised differently? Even as someone who is second-generation American raised by a single mom with very traditional FSU parents, I can say that my mom reacted very differently to certain things than parents who have been American for generations and generations. It's a big topic and one that is very important--and something that can be a real issue in a co-parenting relationship. Kids are kids everywhere, but what childhood means and what the duty of children and parents are varies greatly from culture to culture.

Well, I apologise if it's seen as butting in. I was trying to make a point about the difficulty of cross cultural blended families and how it also might be easy to make generalisations about certain characteristics being country based rather than individual issues.

As a stepmother who has worked hard to make a blended family work with people from different cultures, within a very close community with many similar families including Eastern European/FSU I felt I had something to offer the discussion. It's a subject I'm very interested in and it was a post made with genuine intentions.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

It seems the nonsense has been stifled.

As to something that I think helped with an FSU child, one that does not speak English as a native language and had little knowledge of English, was frequent communication with his teachers and basketball coach (when he played basketball)

I met with his ESL teacher each week and his other teachers every two weeks, just briefly. I was also teaching him English and covering his lessons for that day and translating them as needed for his home work, but trying to make him do as much as possible. It would be easy to translate the homework and give him the questions in Russian, but that would not help him much. It tales a lot of time but it paid off. I was helping Alla also with her homework. Our home, every evening, was a branch of the school. Pasha and I in the kitchen and Alla at her desk in a corner of the family room. Within sight of the kitchen table so she could ask me to check something for her. Me giving Pasha a page to work on, then going to check Alla's work, asking her a question or two about Russian, then back to Pasha. We went through all his lessons each night. This after basketball practice two nights a week. It was great! I do not regret a moment and to say the truth I kind of miss it. He is doing so well he doesn't need my help with school work much anymore, but that was the goal. I still help him with his car.

I think the sports were also important. I could not possibly care less about basketball, I could fall asleep playing basketball, but I went to every practice and game. I talked to the coach about what Pasha needed help understanding. He caught on very quickly and I think being with children his own age helped a lot. One very noticable difference is that Pasha has very little Russian accent and speaks like an American teenager. Sergey and Alla speak more "proper English" that they were taught. Pasha picked up the idioms and slang. But he does well in proper English also.

But I think through this that the most important thing was that Pasha got a sense that "hey, this guy my Mom married, he seems OK. He seems like he cares about me" Alla has directed both the boys to me for the "man stuff" teaching them to drive, use tools, etc. Like most boys his age Pasha bought a car, with money he earned, and he spends a lot of time "working" on his car. I did that as a teenager also. I think he is going to wax the paint right off the thing!

With Sergey I have worked with him on his taxes, his banking business, worked with him in filing all his applications for universities for his doctorate degree, choosing schools, now I just worked with him to select some housing for him in Houston.

Well, I apologise if it's seen as butting in. I was trying to make a point about the difficulty of cross cultural blended families and how it also might be easy to make generalisations about certain characteristics being country based rather than individual issues.

As a stepmother who has worked hard to make a blended family work with people from different cultures, within a very close community with many similar families including Eastern European/FSU I felt I had something to offer the discussion. It's a subject I'm very interested in and it was a post made with genuine intentions.

Thanks. One suggestion. Lose the "step" We are not "step" anything and these are not "step" children. That is a legal-schmeegle term and has no place in a family. they are children, we are parents. No other terms are acceptable. We NEVER use the terms "your mother" or "your father" or "your son", We have names, we use them. I know all the childrens names and I do not confuse them with anyone else. I introduce all the boys as my sons, it is the only way we accept them.

Edited April 8, 2012 by Gary and Alla

[eekee 182]

Well, I apologise if it's seen as butting in. I was trying to make a point about the difficulty of cross cultural blended families and how it also might be easy to make generalisations about certain characteristics being country based rather than individual issues.

As a stepmother who has worked hard to make a blended family work with people from different cultures, within a very close community with many similar families including Eastern European/FSU I felt I had something to offer the discussion. It's a subject I'm very interested in and it was a post made with genuine intentions.

I don't think anyone was bothered by your posts. I don't think people in this forum mind people who enter into the conversations here if they have something relevant to contribute. But people who come in just to say, "YOU ARE WRONG DESPITE MY HAVING ZERO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH FSU KIDS!"? Not helpful, relevant, or constructive.

[slim 1,523]

I like when people tell me I have nothing to offer because I have no kids. "You have no idea how to be a good parent because you don't have kids."

I guess I gained no experience from having four parents. Much in the same way, these same folks who told me that are now trying to tell you guys how to work with your FSU kids. Cum grano, salis.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Why are people with no experience with FSU children butting in on this thread telling us FSU children are not raised differently? Even as someone who is second-generation American raised by a single mom with very traditional FSU parents, I can say that my mom reacted very differently to certain things than parents who have been American for generations and generations. It's a big topic and one that is very important--and something that can be a real issue in a co-parenting relationship. Kids are kids everywhere, but what childhood means and what the duty of children and parents are varies greatly from culture to culture.

Because the trauma of moving a child to ANY country other than their country of birth is MORE IMPORTANT than a bunch of stereotypical cultural voodoo.

[eekee 182]

Because the trauma of moving a child to ANY country other than their country of birth is MORE IMPORTANT than a bunch of stereotypical cultural voodoo.

Aaaaand how much time have you spent with people from the FSU? How many years have you spent living in a RUB country? There are distinct differences when it comes to family, relationships, friendship, even business practices that are true throughout the region that differ drastically from the United States in a far more dramatic way than US versus UK. I don't know how many times people in this thread with actual experience in co-parenting with a FSU spouse can point this out from their own experience before you get it.

The OP wants ADVICE, not "You don't need advice because my experience with a UK/US co-parenting situation tells me so, and by the way you are all chauvinists." Like I said, I'm SECOND GENERATION and it was still a huge factor in my upbringing/source of conflict for my parents.

Edited April 9, 2012 by eekee