Filipina

[actob99 156]

Maybe we don't want to admit how much a younger wife has taught us! I'll admit my wife has taught me many things, and I hope she continues to do so. I value her insight into different situations. At times that insight has been very helpful, at other times its just good to think on another point of view. Dealing with someone who is going through homesickness and from a different culture can be a great lesson in listening and thinking before reacting.

Good point and I feel the same. I like to refer to it as what the culture has taught me. Typically people from the philippines are much more of a playful personality and society.

[Philwithlove 17]

There are some american guys here that post and used words that for some of us seem owning the wife or calling the filipina as a product but i think that is not their intentions. There are people, i will include myself, that are not good in stating nor very good in communicating. Which end us into misinterpretation and miscommunication . And some are oversensitive and overacting in the posts that lead to a bigger problem. Either the american guy will be enlighten with what the comments or will it changed him or worst he got mad and divert the madness to the wife. I think we should be careful too (as a filipina myself) to our reaction if it will create confusion and worst broken relationships and marriages.

Alot of filipina or even their partners complains about the CFO and even blame the government for some additional time to spend in attending it. I believe CFO counseling is good if not the best for filipina who will go out of the country and marry a different culture. It gives guidance to what to do and where to go. what is violence and even how to manage the relationship. Of course most of the attendees don't listen anymore coz the mind is already in the US out of excitement and all that.

It is a fact that some of filipina marries kano for financial reasons, some because their relatives are in the US, the friends are in the US, and they wanted to be in the US too. So we cannot blame that some american generalizes us, filipinas, as one and the same as the other rotten ones. We cannot please everybody and the best way is not to attack the generalizes us, rather show to them the real good filipina.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Good point and I feel the same. I like to refer to it as what the culture has taught me. Typically people from the philippines are much more of a playful personality and society.

And drama. Don't forget the drama. There is an intensity to life there that might catch the unsuspecting newbie off-guard. Every little concern in life has to be dealt with in a particular way and can't be ignored.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Our gap is not far off the 20 year gap. But we're a great match.

I apologize if my phrasing gave the impression I am knocking the larger age gap relationships. I am not in a position to determine the quality of any relationship but my own. (and even then...I prefer my wife guage the quality of our marriage. I like to not think too much. Dad taught me...if mama is happy then evry1 is happy...if mama ain't happy...well..nobody is.) I have read many posts (by VJ members in relationships with many years spread between each spouses age) stating success in their marriage.

I am pondering... if older males are apt to post stereotype comments ...because they consider their younger wife to be ..inferior...in some way..due to her... being much younger and having less life experiences to make decisions by. Example might be...Older male complains that his young wife behaves in an immature way that he refers to as ...spoiled...because she has not matured (in some ways) emotionally and does not process information the way a more matured individual might..sooo..instead of accepting the fact that he has married someone with less life experience and emotional maturity...he writes it off as ...well...she's Filipina and we all know how them Pinays can get....

My wife is a very traditional Pinay.

Please help me make sure I understand you correctly...are you stating that a "traditional" Filipina wants...

She wants the man leading, the man protecting her and taking care of her. In return she takes care of me.

and this...

That said, I do believe she would also be happy with 100% traditional roles. She could easily fill the bill and match the stereotypical Filipina.

I am curious...what is your defenition of..the "stereotypical Filipina".

I understand your point about disrespecting their wives, I've seen it here and its just plain wrong, but I'm a little worried you might be telling couples how their relationship should be to. What roles each should play, and the woman should never take the submissive role. My wife loves taking the submissive role, but that does not mean there is anything submissive about her. Its just her comfort zone to operate out of as a base. I accept that as who she is, and she accepts me as who I am. Which is a guy who expects his wife to be his partner and equal.

IMO...You marriage is your marriage and only you and your wife should decide how to manage it. Regardless of how others might try to dictate their opinion to you...as long as you and your wife are happy...that's all that matters.

Edited April 4, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[actob99 156]

There are some american guys here that post and used words that for some of us seem owning the wife or calling the filipina as a product but i think that is not their intentions. There are people, i will include myself, that are not good in stating nor very good in communicating. Which end us into misinterpretation and miscommunication . And some are oversensitive and overacting in the posts that lead to a bigger problem. Either the american guy will be enlighten with what the comments or will it changed him or worst he got mad and divert the madness to the wife. I think we should be careful too (as a filipina myself) to our reaction if it will create confusion and worst broken relationships and marriages.

Alot of filipina or even their partners complains about the CFO and even blame the government for some additional time to spend in attending it. I believe CFO counseling is good if not the best for filipina who will go out of the country and marry a different culture. It gives guidance to what to do and where to go. what is violence and even how to manage the relationship. Of course most of the attendees don't listen anymore coz the mind is already in the US out of excitement and all that.

It is a fact that some of filipina marries kano for financial reasons, some because their relatives are in the US, the friends are in the US, and they wanted to be in the US too. So we cannot blame that some american generalizes us, filipinas, as one and the same as the other rotten ones. We cannot please everybody and the best way is not to attack the generalizes us, rather show to them the real good filipina.

Excellent points... WHat I have heard from others who have been to the CFO is that they tell you all of the worst that can happen to you. I guess I can't really comment on that as I havent attended. But seems it should be a positive experience as well.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Maybe we can also mention some of the things we see common in the Fil/Am relationships we see working on VJ?

A common trait I'd point out is that the older partner doesn't:

1) Take the other for granted, dismissing them simply because of age.

2) Doesn't Treat their partner like a child but does offer guidance where needed (always respectfully).

3) Has taken the time to discuss expectations of both parties, making adjustments based in reality.

4) Understands that Spouse/Partner etc means equals working together toward a common goal.

Please feel free to add to the list.

I hope some of the VJ Filipinas will respond to this post expounding on this thought or even discrediting it and with an opinion why for or against.

[actob99 156]

And drama. Don't forget the drama. There is an intensity to life there that might catch the unsuspecting newbie off-guard. Every little concern in life has to be dealt with in a particular way and can't be ignored.

HAha, I was thinking on one of my posts how to explain all of that, but think a small book would be in order.. Not to be negative here.. But the point that really should be made to people marrying in a different culture is you need to spend the time their in that culture before you engage in a marriage. This goes for every place not just the Phils. I don't care what anyone says, you can't have an online relationship for 6 months, go to the Philippines and spend 10 days, get engaged, go home file for the fiancee visa, and then maybe go one more time and go to the US and expect there won't be any problems. You can't tell me that there are more success stories than bad ones.. ANd I know there are some success stories but so many bad ones we don't here.

Phils is a unique place and culture.. You will all agree if you have spent time there. If you have been once to the province to visit the family for a few days and think you seen it all, your very wrong.. If you spend any amount of time there you will see the cloth that unravels.. Two weeks ago at a house blessing in my fiancee's province, one to many Emperador's turned into a knife fight with one on the brink of dying. The reason????? Someone thought they were more well of than the other. THey call that Mayabang.. SO many stories.................

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

After review, I am re-opening this thread to discussion.

It can be hard to discuss racist posts without listing examples. Fortunately, names were not used, just examples, although those who read these threads regularly will probably be able to identify those to whom the quotes refer.

Kathryn

VJ Moderation Team

Thank you Kathryn.

In retrospect... I recognize that my listed examples could "bait" some regular and veteran members. I understand Charles POV and apologize for listing specific examples. I should have listed conceptual examples (instead). I will be more careful going forward.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Just an observation about the above question re: traditional

Many cultures have a traditional 'norm' that has worked for the majority of its citizens. This norm does change over the generations and generally when we refer to a 'traditional' society, most of us mean the one or two generations that preceded our own. For me, the 'traditional' norm of the US culture is the one epitomized by the 1950s and 1960s and illustrated by such shows as Leave it to Beaver, Happy Days, etc. - shows I grew up with. The 'traditional' family home in the US in the 1950s was different than in the 1940s and 1930s - and different from the 1970s, 80s, 90s etc. Each of us really measures the 'traditional' culture from our own perspective in time. I suspect the older members among us view 'traditional' to refer to how our parents grew up. Mothers generally stayed home and looked after the family and the house. Fathers went out to work. I know for me that is the 'traditional norm' that I experienced. Those who were born in the 70s most likely have a different interpretation of 'traditional'. It is not meant in a pejorative way, but as a description of a way that was considered a lifestyle followed by the majority of individuals in that generational perspective.

Edited April 4, 2012 by Kathryn41

[actob99 156]

Maybe we can also mention some of the things we see common in the Fil/Am relationships we see working on VJ?

A common trait I'd point out is that the older partner doesn't:

1) Take the other for granted, dismissing them simply because of age.

2) Doesn't Treat their partner like a child but does offer guidance where needed (always respectfully).

3) Has taken the time to discuss expectations of both parties, making adjustments based in reality.

4) Understands that Spouse/Partner etc means equals working together toward a common goal.

Please feel free to add to the list.

5. Treat your partner the same way as you want to be treated.

6. Communication is incrediably important as there is already a communication barrier and cultural differences.

7. Patience, patience, patience... Think before you act out on something you might have taken out of context. This one is huge for me. I'm very layed back and easy to get along with, but for some reason my blood pressure rises when I'm tryingh to use Chikka Messenger or I'm trying to talk to my fiancee on the phone and I'm on speaker phone. All I can hear is the Rooster's, dog's barking and everyone else in the backround. We have had argument's on this and its my problem and I have worked on it and I'm ok with it. It stems fromme not being a phone person who talks for hours, to the point and off the phone. And Chikka always missing texts or them not going through at crusial times.. But we have talked and talked and I have grown on this issue. Deap breathe....

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

However, there is a level of insecurity present among our immigrant wives and fiancees, that should be a concern to us, as much as it concerns them.

...my wife expects and demands to be treated as an individual. Yes...Asawa Ko is Filipino but she is still unique in many ways and evolves / grows into her own (I'm stuck for a word)..."being" every year. (and) Frankly ....keeps me running to keep up with her evolving / maturing personality..as an individual and as my wife. Progress not perfection...with me doing the progressing to her expected perfection. Visualize wood and sandpaper...I'm the wood ...Sorry...I couldn't pass that opportunity...please me...

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

but if your hanging out in Angeles the ratio of good people there drops..

as the percentage of predators increases.

[beejay 123]

Crashed~N2~Me - I can't your post enough...

but I will try

and

that is all.

<eom>

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

...my wife expects and demands to be treated as an individual. Yes...Asawa Ko is Filipino but she is still unique in many ways and evolves / grows into her own (I'm stuck for a word)..."being" every year. (and) Frankly ....keeps me running to keep up with her evolving / maturing personality..as an individual and as my wife. Progress not perfection...with me doing the progressing to her expected perfection. Visualize wood and sandpaper...I'm the wood ...Sorry...I couldn't pass that opportunity...please me...

It's been five years, and we are still negotiating. I try to give her the advantage of my experience, but she wants to learn things on her own. Some of it is the age difference, some of it is cultural, most of it is just the different emotional needs of men and women.

That, "You are the boss!" thing is just a way to put you off guard. I use preemptive warfare: I confuse her before she confuses me. So far, that is working pretty well.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Hey Crash.............................................................................. N Burn

Very good posting as I have read many posts from Kanos that cause blood to flow as I need to bite my tongue.

Age gap? 28 years here. But my Bride and I are building a great relationship... daily. Filipina? Hmm, I have never thought of or referred to my Bride in that way... there is a long list of endearments that I use when talking to her or about her to another, but for sure never Filipina or Pinay. In my mind she is my wife (visa in hand I will put that in print now... ) has been since I fell in love with her, will be for the rest of my life.

Unlike many I do not come from a bad marriage seeking another, I came from a sad ending that over time when i finally healed I wanted to live again. The story of how Amy and I found each other is rather unique and always makes me smile and send thanks to two friends - one hers, one mine.

One thing I did not look for when i was seeking that special woman that would capture my heart was someone that would "cook n clean" for me. As my momma told me many, many years ago when I was barely a teen - You will make some woman a great wife one day. I cook, and I don't like a messy house so I know which end of a broom and mop to use, always have. So as I started my search I looked for a very special woman that did NOT list how she liked to cook and clean, I looked for a woman that wanted a great marriage, sharing a life together. Our foundation is built upon acceptance and respect for each other.

I found a strong, independent, work-a-holic with a heart of gold and forever I will feel I was blessed the day we met. She even tolerates eating my cooking... now that is a good woman.

She knows I have a GF and that I am addicted to my GF... I have been riding since I was 15 years old and plan to be riding as long as I can lift the beast off the kickstand. Yes my GF is my motorcycle, nicknamed GF by my Bride. We have already made plans for a variety of trips around the States and up into Canada.

Have gun will travel reads the card of a man. She has reminded me a few times that I have to teach her to shoot, and is looking forward to getting out shooting with me. She knows that I pack heat most everywhere I go (except here).

The list of what she has taught me grows longer with each day and will continue growing for a very long time!

I could get really long winded in a posting about my Bride but there is no need .... not here.

Spousal units, Filipina, Pinay...... Not.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Hank_Amy