I hate driving with my husband

[David & Kezia 25]

I don't really want to drive with David anymore. I've said it before but I mean it more this time. I give up for real.

He is so inconsistent in his instructions, confusing, and then gets mad if I don't comply or if not right away. We are always arguing and fighting when I'm driving. He wouldn't even listen to my explanations of why I did that or doing this (sometimes because it was how I was taught or how the tester told me I should or shouldn't do). He thinks that I'm always just making excuses, not understanding that the why and how is more important than the what in the learning process. Grrr! I explain how I came up with that conclusion or action so he'd understand and explain to me which part of my process was wrong or where it went wrong! Not to be yelled at just to follow orders without knowing why! I am not a soldier and I am a learner so I need explanations. Grrr!

I learned how to drive from a professional driving school and I was driving well and confidently, but that was before I drove with him just before I decided to get my learner's permit to prepare to get a driver's license here in the US.

He also makes me impatient and insecure in my driving, so I will never pass if I'm confused, insecure, and impatient (because I still hear him in my head telling me to go and faster). Even if I generally drive good when I'm calm and more confident, he always stresses me out right before the test, making me very insecure and impatient and confused again. I already failed two driving tests because of one auto-fail from being impatient or indecisive. And now, I just cancelled my driving test for 1:30 PM and went home instead because we had a big fight again and I just gave up.

What frustrated me more is it's difficult to prove to him that he is inconsistent, because he doesn't admit to it or he doesn't remember his previous statements. It's so unlike before when we were still chatting because all I had to do was pull up our chat transcript to prove him wrong... several times.

I'm so frustrated and hurt, and I don't mind much being yelled at, but I hate being told that I'm lying about something when I'm sure that I'm not. :-((

Sorry... Just venting! It's also a lesson for others not to let your spouses teach you how to drive. I should have learned that from the others and refused to do it even if I had to spend more.

:-(

Kezia

[Dave&Roza 748]

I don't really want to drive with David anymore. I've said it before but I mean it more this time. I give up for real.

He is so inconsistent in his instructions, confusing, and then gets mad if I don't comply or if not right away. We are always arguing and fighting when I'm driving. He wouldn't even listen to my explanations of why I did that or doing this (sometimes because it was how I was taught or how the tester told me I should or shouldn't do). He thinks that I'm always just making excuses, not understanding that the why and how is more important than the what in the learning process. Grrr! I explain how I came up with that conclusion or action so he'd understand and explain to me which part of my process was wrong or where it went wrong! Not to be yelled at just to follow orders without knowing why! I am not a soldier and I am a learner so I need explanations. Grrr!

I learned how to drive from a professional driving school and I was driving well and confidently, but that was before I drove with him just before I decided to get my learner's permit to prepare to get a driver's license here in the US.

He also makes me impatient and insecure in my driving, so I will never pass if I'm confused, insecure, and impatient (because I still hear him in my head telling me to go and faster). Even if I generally drive good when I'm calm and more confident, he always stresses me out right before the test, making me very insecure and impatient and confused again. I already failed two driving tests because of one auto-fail from being impatient or indecisive. And now, I just cancelled my driving test for 1:30 PM and went home instead because we had a big fight again and I just gave up.

What frustrated me more is it's difficult to prove to him that he is inconsistent, because he doesn't admit to it or he doesn't remember his previous statements. It's so unlike before when we were still chatting because all I had to do was pull up our chat transcript to prove him wrong... several times.

I'm so frustrated and hurt, and I don't mind much being yelled at, but I hate being told that I'm lying about something when I'm sure that I'm not. :-((

Sorry... Just venting! It's also a lesson for others not to let your spouses teach you how to drive. I should have learned that from the others and refused to do it even if I had to spend more.

:-(

Kezia

That is why I am going to let a professional teach my wife. There are too many other things in this new marriage to get a handle on without the conflicts of teaching someone to drive entering into the picture. I know most driving schools are geared towards the teenager driver, but there are several that do have adult driving lessons. You might want to find one of those. I am having a hard time finding a driving school that will do the driving handbook and written test for an adult. Most just say learn it on-line. My wife needs someone to explain things to her as English is not her first language and the driving handbook in not available in her language in Colorado, but it is in California and Washington--go figure.

I know where you are coming from and suggest you get professional help with this to save the marriage .

Good luck,

Dave

Edited March 8, 2012 by Dave&Roza

[merkin&regine 18]

I don't really want to drive with David anymore. I've said it before but I mean it more this time. I give up for real.

He is so inconsistent in his instructions, confusing, and then gets mad if I don't comply or if not right away. We are always arguing and fighting when I'm driving. He wouldn't even listen to my explanations of why I did that or doing this (sometimes because it was how I was taught or how the tester told me I should or shouldn't do). He thinks that I'm always just making excuses, not understanding that the why and how is more important than the what in the learning process. Grrr! I explain how I came up with that conclusion or action so he'd understand and explain to me which part of my process was wrong or where it went wrong! Not to be yelled at just to follow orders without knowing why! I am not a soldier and I am a learner so I need explanations. Grrr!

I learned how to drive from a professional driving school and I was driving well and confidently, but that was before I drove with him just before I decided to get my learner's permit to prepare to get a driver's license here in the US.

He also makes me impatient and insecure in my driving, so I will never pass if I'm confused, insecure, and impatient (because I still hear him in my head telling me to go and faster). Even if I generally drive good when I'm calm and more confident, he always stresses me out right before the test, making me very insecure and impatient and confused again. I already failed two driving tests because of one auto-fail from being impatient or indecisive. And now, I just cancelled my driving test for 1:30 PM and went home instead because we had a big fight again and I just gave up.

What frustrated me more is it's difficult to prove to him that he is inconsistent, because he doesn't admit to it or he doesn't remember his previous statements. It's so unlike before when we were still chatting because all I had to do was pull up our chat transcript to prove him wrong... several times.

I'm so frustrated and hurt, and I don't mind much being yelled at, but I hate being told that I'm lying about something when I'm sure that I'm not. :-((

Sorry... Just venting! It's also a lesson for others not to let your spouses teach you how to drive. I should have learned that from the others and refused to do it even if I had to spend more.

:-(

Kezia

Hmmm.. thats really hard but only you guys can really patch up this differences. I just want to point out that every hubby is different So, maybe telling everyone that its really bad for a hubby to teach a wife how to drive is not always true.. Just saying. But, I suggest to get a driver instructor who is familiar with the driving test route on the DMV area that you are taking the test to give you a test drive and see if you can pass based on their assessment. This really helps..

Good Luck!

[X Factor 1,112]

That is why I am going to let a professional teach my wife. There are too many other things in this new marriage to get a handle on without the conflicts of teaching someone to drive entering into the picture. I know most driving schools are geared towards the teenager driver, but there are several that do have adult driving lessons. You might want to find one of those. I am having a hard time finding a driving school that will do the driving handbook and written test for an adult. Most just say learn it on-line. My wife needs someone to explain things to her as English is not her first language and the driving handbook in not available in her language in Colorado, but it is in California and Washington--go figure.

I know where you are coming from and suggest you get professional help with this to save the marriage .

Good luck,

Dave

I absolutely agree. A professional would be the best solution. And the price is usually several hundred dollars. A small price to pay for peace in a marriage

[Joandjo 20]

I don't really want to drive with David anymore. I've said it before but I mean it more this time. I give up for real.

He is so inconsistent in his instructions, confusing, and then gets mad if I don't comply or if not right away. We are always arguing and fighting when I'm driving. He wouldn't even listen to my explanations of why I did that or doing this (sometimes because it was how I was taught or how the tester told me I should or shouldn't do). He thinks that I'm always just making excuses, not understanding that the why and how is more important than the what in the learning process. Grrr! I explain how I came up with that conclusion or action so he'd understand and explain to me which part of my process was wrong or where it went wrong! Not to be yelled at just to follow orders without knowing why! I am not a soldier and I am a learner so I need explanations. Grrr!

I learned how to drive from a professional driving school and I was driving well and confidently, but that was before I drove with him just before I decided to get my learner's permit to prepare to get a driver's license here in the US.

He also makes me impatient and insecure in my driving, so I will never pass if I'm confused, insecure, and impatient (because I still hear him in my head telling me to go and faster). Even if I generally drive good when I'm calm and more confident, he always stresses me out right before the test, making me very insecure and impatient and confused again. I already failed two driving tests because of one auto-fail from being impatient or indecisive. And now, I just cancelled my driving test for 1:30 PM and went home instead because we had a big fight again and I just gave up.

What frustrated me more is it's difficult to prove to him that he is inconsistent, because he doesn't admit to it or he doesn't remember his previous statements. It's so unlike before when we were still chatting because all I had to do was pull up our chat transcript to prove him wrong... several times.

I'm so frustrated and hurt, and I don't mind much being yelled at, but I hate being told that I'm lying about something when I'm sure that I'm not. :-((

Sorry... Just venting! It's also a lesson for others not to let your spouses teach you how to drive. I should have learned that from the others and refused to do it even if I had to spend more.

:-(

Kezia

David you knucklehead!

I just taught my wife to drive. We had some patience issues. I had to learn to just let her learn and wait to critique it later. She made the Learners permit before her DL expired (when she went out of status) she'll get it back with the EAD here in Texas.

Ask him if her can hold feedback until after the trip. That's what I resolved to do. I didn't have a problem yelling but I think that when I got excited or scared it choked up my wife. We worked it out!

Don't give up on driving!! Even if you have to get another teacher it's very important here in Texas, driving is your ticket to every where. It will pass.

[Grant PDX 183]

The most important part isn't how you learn to drive, it's how to learn to reconcile issues between you. This is only 1 and there will be many minor to major challenges to come. Tell him you want to work together to resolve it. This is a great opportunity to work together on an issue that really doesn't matter as much as it might seem to while you are living in it. Address the issue by focusing on a joint solution, be it driving school, practicing patience on both sides, whatever, the important part is to work through it and learn to work through things as a team, not as opponents.

Good luck!

Edited March 8, 2012 by Grant n Karleen

[David & Kezia 25]

That is why I am going to let a professional teach my wife. There are too many other things in this new marriage to get a handle on without the conflicts of teaching someone to drive entering into the picture. I know most driving schools are geared towards the teenager driver, but there are several that do have adult driving lessons. You might want to find one of those. I am having a hard time finding a driving school that will do the driving handbook and written test for an adult. Most just say learn it on-line. My wife needs someone to explain things to her as English is not her first language and the driving handbook in not available in her language in Colorado, but it is in California and Washington--go figure.

I know where you are coming from and suggest you get professional help with this to save the marriage .

Good luck,

Dave

Thanks! I actually had good teachers, and even the last two testers were very good at explaining things.

I should have passed my first test if not for the very first (bad) tester who wasn't paying attention and lied about several things. She auto-failed me for making a right turn on a stop light, because she said that I did not stop first and did not look left, when I did both and TWICE. It just happened that there was another car before me who took forever to turn right (he was already there before I crossed the intersection before that) and blocking the right most lane (where we both turned). I was waiting for maybe 10th seconds behind the pedestrian lane (where I'm supposed to stop) all that time waiting for him to go. I guess she wanted me to stop again at the very end like how that car was a quarter in our traffic and 3 quarters blocking the other traffic. When she did that I didn't stop, I was surprised, and I explained what I did and what I did nicely and in an innocent suprised tone, but she didn't like that and she started marking me things on her paper not just for that incident but marked me back, inventing things that I said or didn't do on the first parts that we've already done. I hate her! Why do government people like her doesn't have surveys for their performance? They think that they are God because they can't be fired or not very easily, and it's their word against mine. She wasn't paying attention and earlier that was even surprised and mad at a car pulling out of a driveway without looking at me, although I saw that way ahead that was why I slowed down and stopped. And then later she told me husband and everyone who was listening at the DMV lies about my driving, like I don't turn my head when I'm usually criticized for turning too much or too often.

I'm sorry. I don't mind being corrected and I like criticism and feedback, even solicit them when not volunteered, because that's how I learn, but I am very sensitive about honesty and very sensitive when people say or imply that I lied about something, or if they make up about me. Honor and integrity is very important to me, as I may lose everything except that, I can still recover as long as people still trust and respect me.

My husband accepting her story and not believing me no matter how hard I explained what happened, just added to the insult, and that was what really hurt me bad then. Now, it's more of his inconsistency and saying that I'm the one unable to accept my mistakes and always just making excuses (my explanations). He forgot that I easily volunteered and accepted my mistakes with my last two testers, and I've always been open to criticism and accepting my errors before that, although I would always explain why and how, and I would always argue and never accept something that I didn't do wrong.

What I'm wondering about is if it's how Americans are raised, to just accept everything their parents say even if it's not right and not offer any explanation or argument... or is it just a male macho thing that you have to be right and we have to do what you say, or accept things without "excuses".

Most older Filipino parents may have been the former, but my parents were educators and liberals. We were raised differently, and right or wrong, we have to explain things, because the "why" and "how" was more important than the "what" we did wrong, because in that way they (and I) will know how and why I came up with that conclusion or action, so that they'd also know how to explain things or how or where to correct the error if there was one.

I guess my problem is either or all the facts that (#1) my husband is from an older generation and was raised in that way mentioned above, (#2) he's a male who has to be right and be followed, and (#3) he is used to being alone that he finds it hard to adjust to having to relate with someone, especially a spirited wife who is also smarter than him.

BTW, just to be clear: I'm still crazy in love with my husband. I'm just infuriated with him right now and frustrated with the circumstances. I wish he'd remember more that I don't argue just to argue, and 99% of the time I either prove myself right anyway or he realizes that I am right later on.

[Leatherneck 693]

David needs to build and reinforce your confidence first, then any correcting you need should be tempered with understanding, patience and respect, later.

Teaching a spouse to drive or assisting him/her with practice is a major exercise in patience for both husband and wife. However, I do agree with approaching driving as a team effort to be tackled and conquered by both of you. As long as you're not making moves that could potentially cause an accident, see if David would just make mental notes or on paper to be discussed afterwards.

I can understand your frustration with the situation, is there a Pinay friend in the area that can ride with you as you get more practice? Since you've already learned how to drive at the direction of an instructor, seems you only need to practice proper techniques and get more road time so as to really feel confident about driving. Constant frustration will destroy any confidence you gained while learning how to drive with the instructor and it will take a some time to gain it back once lost due to the fights with your husband.

Edited March 8, 2012 by Leatherneck

[Theresa0828 65]

This is the reason also why Harvey paid professionals for me... coz he doesn't want me to get his bad habits in driving... initially he taught me in the parking lot at school nearby...

I got my driver's license on the first try and the guy who accompany me said that the instructor I was assigned to was really miserable and failed people for no apparent reason... I don't know if he just saying that, but I was proud of myself...

Now I am driving on my own and whenever I drive with Harvey as a passenger and he said something... i yell "shut up, you're not driving!!!" whenever he said something... hahahahaha, so i guess he learns to shut up...

I still get jittery and stuff whenever I drive... but with roads already familiar to me... I drove pretty well...

[David & Kezia 25]

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate all the sympathy and understanding too.

I actually drove with a Filipina friend for a few hours before, and she find it hard to believe that I wouldn't pass or that David would get mad at me, because she says that I'm actually a good driver and didn't drive like a beginner at all.

Even my driving instructors wouldn't believe me at first when I told them that it was my first time to drive, although I'm what some people call a "backseat driver" because I was always observant and knew the rules.

All those three testers told me that I'm a good driver, even that first woman soar that before she started lying about me after I contested her statement that I did not stop at the light before I followed the car turning right. My last two testers were just as frustrated as I was because I they were about to pass me already when I did the wrong thing.

I would have passed all three tests if not for my single auto-fail in each test towards the end: the first was that stoplight mentioned above which was a lie; the second was because I was still hearing my husband's voice yelling in my mind telling me to go and not delay despite not having enough distance between the flowing traffic, I tried and hesitated (3x) to turn left going across the street into the DMV driveway (yes damn! I was so close to the end), ending up with having to stop with about a foot of the head of my car into the flowing traffic, when I could have just waited patiently for them to clear up; then the last one was failing to recognize the roundabout as a single-lane (coz it was wide enough for 2-3 cars in the Phils that even the tester knew what I thought without me saying anything as he was a vet from Clark and familiar with Phil traffic), which made me try to enter traffic after slowing down for the yield sign. :-(

[David & Kezia 25]

If I can just gain my confidence back, and get my husband's yelling (and conflicting instructions) out of my head, I know that I'd do good and wouldn't make another slip out of impatience or hesitation. If I make a mistake, it would be out of ignorance, like some rule that I don't know yet about or confused about (coz I could not keep things straight anymore between the by-the-book, by the DMV testers' practice, by actual practice, and by own husband's own instructions).

Sorry for the typos and extra words in my previous posts, BTW. My phone keeps on auto-correcting me and auto-predicting my typing, or adding extra words. :-P

[rlogan 2,036]

There are definitely petty tyrants at government offices.

Between husband and wife the typical scenario is just as you described: the "student" refuses to do what they are told until they are convinced it is correct. The problem with that approach in driving is that things are happening too fast and the stakes are too high. You are disqualified from being a driving student if you are going to demand an explanation before you take direction. By that time you'll be flattened by a bus or run into a train. A cement truck in our case - she refused to stop at the intersection, and it was going by at 55mph & would have killed us. I had to steer into the ditch. So before we continued she had to put her pride down and be smart about it.

We did a couple things that helped between husband and wife. First, she agreed before we left not to have a bad attitude: not the haughty, defensive, "I quit" attitude. The second thing was after we left but before leaving the property I would say "stop", or "left signal on" or something. If she asked why, she wasn't ready. She had to show me her mind was right, and do it without questioning me. The third thing was she repeated every instruction back to me. Boy, clear communication was absolutely essential.

If your husband has to repeat himself, just once - it is going to ratchet up his stress level. If he has to say it three times like "stop stop stop" then he's going to be in full panic mode. Wives listen to driving instructors but will cop an attitude with their husband. I got mine to change her attitude because she's a good girl at heart and knew it was important. It made a huge difference in driving lessons, like going from stressful and antagonistic to fun and productive.

[David & Kezia 25]

Thanks Robert!

It was actually the opposite with me. He would shout at me to GO GO GO when he tells me to, but I always check first and judge the distance for myself before I merge into traffic, because I don't like accelerating as fast as the crazy driver that he is, and even though he could make it with his experience and control, I know that I couldn't accelerate that fast without losing some of my control. Even the last two testers told me that I should be more patient, because they saw me getting anxious everytime I have to do turns merging into traffic. I even couldn't resist blurting out once that I still hear my husband yelling at me in my head and the other cars honking at me. They both told me to let them honk and wait until it is safe enough for me to go, especially if I have limited visibility (which is a big thing for a small girl like me who often sits next to trucks and big cars at intersections.

As for explanations, I never wanted him to explain before anything, just that he explains afterwards, like why I can just roll on ahead at this intersection when he just told me to stop at the other one just like that. He already improved on that and would now explain although sometimes I have to ask and remind him several times. Before that, he would just give instructions and expected me to do everything not just without question but right away, not even explaining even after I would ask him several times. Is it too much for me to ask why I just did something different when a few instances ago I was asked to do something different in what to me seems like the same situation?

Our problems are not about stopping, but more on him wanting me to speed up more or go forward when I'm not ready to go. The only time we had a "stop" problem was when I was turning right and I knew that the car coming from my left is getting close so I speed up faster than normal, while he yanked my emergency brake scaring me and slowing me down that the car almost slammed behind me if he didn't hear the brakes squealing. It was a blind intersection although I could see better from my side, and he thought I didn't see that car coming. We almost had an accident, and I yelled at him to not do that and to remember that he is the one with the bad left peripheral vision, not me. And coming from the Phils where cars driver very close together, I am better at judging distances and don't get scared when I'm passing something very closely like in parking lots or in our crowded garage where I always park better than him. He already accepted that and trusts me more with my stops, after he realized that I do always check my environment (sometimes even too much) so I'm aware of the possible dangers around me all the time.

This afternoon was different though. It was because of me trying to explain to him where and how I made my mistakes from the last test, and then while I was doing it, he was giving me different instructions and wouldn't listen to me anymore when I was just doing what was asked of me in the first place. I was also just trying to relay to him what the tester told me at each point, so that he'd understand why I was doing this and that instead of just blindly following his instructions. He's frustrated and impatient, and I understand that, but he forgot that I had more right to be frustrated because I was the one taking the test AND getting confusing instructions at that. Instead of venting out his stress on me, he should have thought of my own stress and have been more supportive, like reassuring me and trying his best to keep me calm and confident. :-(

[Xanax 349]

Hi,

learning to drive is tough for anyone.

I have a few suggestions, from my own experiences, I hope they help!

1) Can your hubby go to driving lessons with you? Then he might be able to see what the teachers , teach and what they expect. He might then be able to teach you better.

2) I also asked my parents (they taught me how to drive) to let me drive around during our "lesson" and give me feedback afterwards, or to ask me to pullover to give me feedback if they felt they really needed to correct something I did straight away. Asking your teacher to save feedback and critisms to the end of the lesson made me feel more confident but also gave my parents (my teachers) perspective and time to think about how to react / respond to my driving so they weren't just yelling at me while I was driving which would have made me super nervous and scared.

3) When I first learned to drive, I would wait and stop for quite a while, until I felt safe to go or go faster. Try to explain you your hubby you are driving the way that feels right for you so as not to endanger him, yourself or other drivers.

4) Try to remain calm, do not get angry with your hubby when he is yelling at you, he is stressed, just as you are! Ask him not to get angry at you. Tell him you want to learn to do this just as he wants you to learn to do it too.

5) Give each other some incentives; when I learned to drive my Father knew he had a temper. When we went for a lesson and he successfully didn't lose his cool and yell and I did well we would treat ourselves to icecream or a dinner. These times after the lesson also gave us time to reflect on both of our performances and give feedback in a laidback setting.

** If all else fails ask your hubby to pay for lessons and tell him you feel it is better for your relationship if you do this on your own because you do not want to stress him out and you are sure he doesn't want you to be stressed or to keep failing. **

Edited March 9, 2012 by BrittandDan

[uktousa 2]

Neven learn driving with husband. Go to professional driving instructor. My husband tried to teach me but we always ended up fighting. I joined professional driving school and passed my test in 1st attempt.