The Big Talk

[amal 4]

If it were my husband....If I would ask him about it...he would go into hours of "you don't trust me?.." lectures and we'd end up arguing all night....But even knowing that...I'd still ask him coz it would make me crazy to not know....

good luck on this

amal

[Henia 11]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Last night on our way to the tarawee prayers in Alger Bab el Oued masjid, I asked him finally to tell me what he wanted to do...stay or leave... he looked at me, saying well our orginal plan was leave, so I had arranged everything including my job and home so I would leave Algerie. And that I am the one who has changed their mind. I told him basically all of the cons of my life in the USA, reminded him that he will not be going to the masjid 5x daily for the prayers, will not have that same level position he holds one and Muslims are not liked much in the USA in many regions.I also let him know when I suggested living in Algerie, it was not cos I was thinking I was going to live in the lap of luxury nor cos I want to be lazy and have my husband take care of me...no...cos I know I want to practice and study my deen without any obstcles (inchallah), being able to raise children in a halal enviroment, have stressless harmonious home and something selfish live by the Mediteranean. Also that I know very well what the rights of women in an Arabe country are, that I am thinking on that...I am thinking on all this life, only for this day ,this month...Also I told him I know it very difficult to buy a home here, and I never asked him to give me the moon and stars.He was dead silent after that...probably pondering all I said...I wanted him to think life in the USA is all he thought it was, or wanted it to be. And also that me being here in Algerie I am not living the same standard I was in the USA or even in Hungaria...the fact that we have no running water, bath tub/shower, or proper toliet does not did not make me feel the need to live in Algerie...he did. Also that I am compromising all too much...and I never asked him for even a glass of water.That I am taken aback by After tarawee, I drove us home from Alger. It was the first time I drove home (alone with any directions, he was sleeping) ... I missed the turn off...and went passed our city unknowingly. He woked up and starting yelling at me, he scared so much I nearly drove right off the road. I was not expecting this from him at all... but after he calmed down he apologised. But I did not feel any better. I was very silent all most of the way ...after I parked the car at the parking garage, I just came right out with it: Who is Naima? His face completely turned white and he looked to the ground. It seemed like he was not going to answer me, so it was evident to me that she was something I was not suppose to know about. I told him I would appreciate all his honesty as he knows how my previous marriage was...and I pointed out the fact that he promised to not let me have a repeat of my previous marriage. He turned to me, telling she was a girl he was talking to before in the time we were parted (last year)... that he has broke it off with her back in March as we made the decision to be married. He had told me about a girl, this girl it seems that he was talking to after our communcation broke off for a few months, but he was only *talking* to her. And she keeps SMSing him to meet her. Well, I was happy he was honest, my ex was surely not ever honest to me, but I felt all the bad feelings of my previous marriage rush past me in whirlwind of confusion and pain. I asked him if he was happy with our marriage, to which he immediately said 'of course I am'... Somehow this did not give me any comfort. I was at the point where I was fighting inner jihad(struggle) ...I kept telling myself 'It is only the Shaytaan, nothing more...Allah would not have brought me to this point if it were not my destiny'.We walked the rest of the way in total dead silence. At home, I made him tea also in total silence. As he went to watch some TV, I went to pray salaat al-witr... It seemed like in every sujud it was like something was pushing down upon me, not letting me get up. Tears seem to pour down my face. Anyway that is another story.

This morning I asked him to take a walk with me.He did not really want to go out, but I asked him to indugle me. We walked and walked, in again total silence... after about 15 minutes he asked me 'what is wrong with you?' I expressed all my concerns to him. He pushed me into a doorway and hugged me, saying 'You are my wife, I love you'... Hmmm am I suppose to take comfort in that?

He asked me if I wanted to come to the Jumuaa prayers today, but I just said I wanted to pray at home. He asked me if I regreted our marriage? I just looked at him, then said... well I guess, I lack many things you require in a wife'and left it at that. I think he was surprised by my asnwer...but he left giving me hug and repeated the same words from yesterday.

Hmm I almost feel like happiness does not really exist...just some evil trick of the Shaytaan... didn't they say we are not gauranteed anything in this life, esp happiness... only death and taxes ares gauranteed?

[CarolineM 0]

Henia.

You are a stronger woman than I....My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Henia 11]

O snaps, I hope no one posts saying I whine too much... cheese is too expensive here in DZ

[CarolineM 0]

What you're going through - no such thing as whining I'd call it venting!!

[Aymerlu 3]

O snaps, I hope no one posts saying I whine too much... cheese is too expensive here in DZ

Whine as much as you want Henia! You are handling things much better than I would be

[doodlebug 3]

((((((hugs))))))))

I agree...if it were me I'd be on the first plane out of there trying to forget him the whole way home. You are a very strong woman Henia and Allah will reward you for your commitment.

[MHandMB 0]

I agree with the above posters. It has to be really hard to deal with what you're going through right now- in a new country, away from your kids, with your new husband but having doubts about what to do. You're being very strong about it, and you're really praying and trying to listen to your heart, which is all you can really do.

Give it a few days to settle in and give yourself some time to really think about what you want before you discuss it with your husband. That way, you'll have a clear idea of your own feelings before you talk to your husband, and you won't wonder later on if the decision you came to was because of someone else's influence.

Good luck, we're all here to listen if you want to talk!

[ya falaha! 0]

I have to say I agree with doodle.

Oh Henia you are so brave, I truly admire your strength and patience. I'm so sorry you have to go through this now. I feel like crying for you habibity. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

((((((hugs))))))))

I agree...if it were me I'd be on the first plane out of there trying to forget him the whole way home. You are a very strong woman Henia and Allah will reward you for your commitment.

[noura 0]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) May Allah give you peace and insight to guide your decisions. We love you Henia and only want the best for you and for you to have happiness.

Noura

[MHandMB 0]

Henia, it's none of my business, and feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but did you ever find out where your husband was yesterday when his work kept calling for him? In your first post, you said that Naima left a message saying he was late for a meeting. He wasn't meeting her yesterday, was he?

I really hope you're able to get a clear answer soon. You seem to be a very strong person , so whatever the future holds, I'm sure you'll come out just fine!

[Karen_L 1]

You are handling this situation with a lot more grace/dignity/class than I think most people would, especially me. Honestly, *I* would have had a screaming fit.

I'm so sorry you're having these troubles and I hope you can find some kind of resolution. You deserve to be happy.

[Laveau 67]

Oh man. I just read this thread.

*HUG*

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

My thoughts are with you Henia...I hope that all will work out for the best... I know that God will guide you onto the right path...(((HUGS)))

Stay well

Dorothy

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Sweetie, in life we have to plan for the best and still prepare for the worst. I still am firmly in the get your american citizenship before you move camp. At best, you won't need it, but at worst, it will help you if the going gets rough

There are a lot of ups and downs, especially when the marriage is new. inshaAllah ta'ala you guys will make it through