Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[momof1 205]

How important is shared religion? Do you think it matters if they are berber or not? I have an american friend who is totally christian and married to a berber and they have a child and he doesnt seem to care WHAT religion she is. Then I have met women who converted, did the whole total lifestyle change and it was dumperoo when he decided he wanted a girl from back home and now the muslim converts on the road on her butt and hes with a girl who doesnt even wear hijab from back home.

I just think that you cannot sugar coat it but you also cannot guess who is going to work and who isnt. Two of my closest friends are both now ex wives of north africans, one had 3 kids and one had two. One was a tunisian who loved her apparently but financially abused her ( sent all his money home and had 3 kids with her) and the other is the ex wife of a moroccan and 2 kids with him. So the kids thing is not a guarantee.. ( apparently both had several so that theory goes wildly out the window) I will say that very few of the huge age difference marriages last very long but I often wonder what a role religion has in most of this.

Can you just love someone and really know that your lives cannot mesh and that love is not enough? Or are their class divisions that show success? I just know several marriages where there were no real age differences but as soon as the guy could, he was running back home to find a wife.. no apparent victim picked out.. just someone from back home\\\\

sigh...again sigh sigh sign..

I guess you know tons of marriages because you are in a community where there tons of mixed marriages but everyone I know personally in a mixed marriage is now divorced ( but thats 9 years and counting) Most men I know who got their greecard from an american are no longer with their wives and every single one of them tells everyone else that she was A. An alcoholic.. ( oh thats my favorite) maybe he drove her to drink

B. Lazy

C. Ran away from him

( I live near Disney so every year we get about 100 people on a work visa thats only good for a year so people have been adjusting status around Epcot since 1982 so there were and have been alot of HE MARRIED ME FOR PAPERS stories for at least 29 years.. HOWLLLLLLLLLLL)

How important is shared religion? Do you think it matters if they are berber or not? I have an american friend who is totally christian and married to a berber and they have a child and he doesnt seem to care WHAT religion she is. Then I have met women who converted, did the whole total lifestyle change and it was dumperoo when he decided he wanted a girl from back home and now the muslim converts on the road on her butt and hes with a girl who doesnt even wear hijab from back home.

I just think that you cannot sugar coat it but you also cannot guess who is going to work and who isnt. Two of my closest friends are both now ex wives of north africans, one had 3 kids and one had two. One was a tunisian who loved her apparently but financially abused her ( sent all his money home and had 3 kids with her) and the other is the ex wife of a moroccan and 2 kids with him. So the kids thing is not a guarantee.. ( apparently both had several so that theory goes wildly out the window) I will say that very few of the huge age difference marriages last very long but I often wonder what a role religion has in most of this.

Can you just love someone and really know that your lives cannot mesh and that love is not enough? Or are their class divisions that show success? I just know several marriages where there were no real age differences but as soon as the guy could, he was running back home to find a wife.. no apparent victim picked out.. just someone from back home\\\\

sigh...again sigh sigh sign..

I guess you know tons of marriages because you are in a community where there tons of mixed marriages but everyone I know personally in a mixed marriage is now divorced ( but thats 9 years and counting) Most men I know who got their greecard from an american are no longer with their wives and every single one of them tells everyone else that she was A. An alcoholic.. ( oh thats my favorite) maybe he drove her to drink

B. Lazy

C. Ran away from him

( I live near Disney so every year we get about 100 people on a work visa thats only good for a year so people have been adjusting status around Epcot since 1982 so there were and have been alot of HE MARRIED ME FOR PAPERS stories for at least 29 years.. HOWLLLLLLLLLLL)

I can't say which is the most important characteristic of these relationships. These are the characteristics that all of these successful marriages that I know of share.

USA/EGYPT- woman 3 months older, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children together, 2 from previous marriage, 14 yrs married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children, 9 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man 10 years older, 2 children, almost 10 years married -me and my husband

USA/ALGERIA-man older, 1 child, 5 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man older, 1 child, 6 years married

USA/EGYPT- same age, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/MOROCCO-same age, no children, 9 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man slightly older, 3 children together and 1 from previous marriage, 8 years married

USA/BANGLADESH-man older, 2 children, 9 years married

USA/BANGLADESH- similar age, 3 children, 6 years married

This is just a quick snippet of relationships in our circle that involve mixed marriages. Interestingly enough, the only couple seriously on the verge of divorce is an ALGERIAN/ALGERIAN couple with 4 kids and 12 years of marriage. Things went sour after he lost his job, but it's not a MENA thing. It's a marriage thing.

Edited February 27, 2012 by momof1

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I can't say which is the most important characteristic of these relationships. These are the characteristics that all of these successful marriages that I know of share.

USA/EGYPT- woman 3 months older, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children together, 2 from previous marriage, 14 yrs married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children, 9 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man 10 years older, 2 children, almost 10 years married -me and my husband

USA/ALGERIA-man older, 1 child, 5 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man older, 1 child, 6 years married

USA/EGYPT- same age, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/MOROCCO-same age, no children, 9 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man slightly older, 3 children together and 1 from previous marriage, 8 years married

USA/BANGLADESH-man older, 2 children, 9 years married

This is just a quick snippet of relationships in our circle that involve mixed marriages. Interestingly enough, the only couple seriously on the verge of divorce is an ALGERIAN/ALGERIAN couple with 4 kids and 12 years of marriage. Things went sour after he lost his job, but it's not a MENA thing. It's a marriage thing.

USA/BANGLADESH- similar age, 3 children, 6 years married

How many of them brought their husband to the United States and how many met them here? How many are converts to Islam

I can't say which is the most important characteristic of these relationships. These are the characteristics that all of these successful marriages that I know of share.

USA/EGYPT- woman 3 months older, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children together, 2 from previous marriage, 14 yrs married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children, 9 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man 10 years older, 2 children, almost 10 years married -me and my husband

USA/ALGERIA-man older, 1 child, 5 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man older, 1 child, 6 years married

USA/EGYPT- same age, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/MOROCCO-same age, no children, 9 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man slightly older, 3 children together and 1 from previous marriage, 8 years married

USA/BANGLADESH-man older, 2 children, 9 years married

USA/BANGLADESH- similar age, 3 children, 6 years married

This is just a quick snippet of relationships in our circle that involve mixed marriages. Interestingly enough, the only couple seriously on the verge of divorce is an ALGERIAN/ALGERIAN couple with 4 kids and 12 years of marriage. Things went sour after he lost his job, but it's not a MENA thing. It's a marriage thing.

Any marriages you know of where the woman is lets say 8 to 13 years older that after 5 years they are together?

[momof1 205]

How many of them brought their husband to the United States and how many met them here? How many are converts to Islam

Any marriages you know of where the woman is lets say 8 to 13 years older that after 5 years they are together?

Only one brought her husband to the US but that's because they were living together in the UAE. The others either sponsored their husbands to adjust status from student visas or they won the visa lottery. And some, like my husband and two others, were asylum seekers. Oh, and one came on H1B skilled worker visa.

All of the women are converts with most of them converting before they met their husbands. However, some are extremely religious/conservative while others are very liberal. I don't know anyone personally that the woman is older.

Edited February 27, 2012 by momof1

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I can't say which is the most important characteristic of these relationships. These are the characteristics that all of these successful marriages that I know of share.

USA/EGYPT- woman 3 months older, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children together, 2 from previous marriage, 14 yrs married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children, 9 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man 10 years older, 2 children, almost 10 years married -me and my husband

USA/ALGERIA-man older, 1 child, 5 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man older, 1 child, 6 years married

USA/EGYPT- same age, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/MOROCCO-same age, no children, 9 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man slightly older, 3 children together and 1 from previous marriage, 8 years married

USA/BANGLADESH-man older, 2 children, 9 years married

USA/BANGLADESH- similar age, 3 children, 6 years married

This is just a quick snippet of relationships in our circle that involve mixed marriages. Interestingly enough, the only couple seriously on the verge of divorce is an ALGERIAN/ALGERIAN couple with 4 kids and 12 years of marriage. Things went sour after he lost his job, but it's not a MENA thing. It's a marriage thing.

I didnt see any older wives where they are together but this may just be your circle. I also cannot tell if these are couples that happened when they came to the US and they met either at school or work or if any of these women travelled all the way to the country, petitioned for the husband and brought them here. Most of the mixed couples I know were situations that the husband was here and was out of status and they married. Most of the lottery winners I know married from back home and it may be because of where I live and the big university here as well as the disney morocco connection. I dont really know very many people in real life that brought someone all the way over here because numbers wise, that really hasnt happened that much compared to people adjusting, especially marriages that are like 9 years old. I think there was a big surge a few years ago but with the economny the way it is right now and everything being so expensive, I will bet you marriages and visas are actually down now compared to a few years ago. It takes alot to sponsor someone and I just cannot see as many people taking this risk right now. I think its just alot harder to pull off bringing anyone here. I know if it was now compared to 4 years ago, I couldnt have done it. I sure would not recommend it to anyone I know in this economy. Americans cant even find jobs much less new arrivals

sigh... my new favorite word

Only one brought her husband to the US but that's because they were living together in the UAE. The others either sponsored their husbands to adjust status from student visas or they won the visa lottery. And some, like my husband and two others, were asylum seekers. Oh, and one came on H1B skilled worker visa.

All of the women are converts with most of them converting before they met their husbands. However, some are extremely religious/conservative while others are very liberal. I don't know anyone personally that the woman is older.

So could you venture to say that perhaps a marriage that has a substantially older wife than husband doesnt have a good chance to make it or would you say you dont have all the facts in front of you?

I will tell you that if a woman covers and she is younger then she is alot more accepted sometimes. I also had the experience of meeting an algerian woman who DIDNT cover who was madly in love with her algerian husband and honestly, she didnt like the fact that over here, men didnt address her by name when they met her where as in algeria, men talked normally to her ( like they were extra weird and strict) and secondly, she found almost every wife of algerian men her husbands were friends with very uneducated and boring .She is seeking a phd in biology and is berber and if you can imagine her stuck in a room full of girls 5 years younger, all niqabi when she doesnt even cover and yes, shes from Algeria. She told me that she could not relate to the fact that sometimes people acted more extreme and intolerant over here than they even did in algeria and she couldnt be bothered to hang out with the wives of her husbands friends because she had nothing in common with them and several gave her a lecture about not wearing hijab....yes virginia... not all women from mena want to wear hijab nor are all of them super obervant muslims

Edited February 27, 2012 by Beauty for Ashes

[Boiler 44,857]

I can't say which is the most important characteristic of these relationships. These are the characteristics that all of these successful marriages that I know of share.

USA/EGYPT- woman 3 months older, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children together, 2 from previous marriage, 14 yrs married

USA/ALGERIA- man older, 4 children, 9 years married

USA/ALGERIA- man 10 years older, 2 children, almost 10 years married -me and my husband

USA/ALGERIA-man older, 1 child, 5 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man older, 1 child, 6 years married

USA/EGYPT- same age, 3 children, 8 years married

USA/MOROCCO-same age, no children, 9 years married

USA/MOROCCO-man slightly older, 3 children together and 1 from previous marriage, 8 years married

USA/BANGLADESH-man older, 2 children, 9 years married

USA/BANGLADESH- similar age, 3 children, 6 years married

This is just a quick snippet of relationships in our circle that involve mixed marriages. Interestingly enough, the only couple seriously on the verge of divorce is an ALGERIAN/ALGERIAN couple with 4 kids and 12 years of marriage. Things went sour after he lost his job, but it's not a MENA thing. It's a marriage thing.

These are not the norm on VJ. usually the woman is significantly older. Often with children from a prior relationship(s).

[momof1 205]

I don't have all the facts. I can only report what I"ve seen work in real life in our area. I can say that I see a lot of really mismatched couples on VJ as a whole....women and men that they would not be able to get if it weren't for their blue passport. However, immigrants are not some monolithic group. Sure there are standards but not everyone likes to go along with the status quo. So yes, I think there can be successful non traditional marriages, but I think thats the exception and not the norm.

[momof1 205]

I also wanted to add that I left out two marriages specifically: one from Morocco and one from Egypt. Both I feel are probably scammers despite their similarity in age and shared religion and lack of children.

[Boiler 44,857]

I don't have all the facts. I can only report what I"ve seen work in real life in our area. I can say that I see a lot of really mismatched couples on VJ as a whole....women and men that they would not be able to get if it weren't for their blue passport. However, immigrants are not some monolithic group. Sure there are standards but not everyone likes to go along with the status quo. So yes, I think there can be successful non traditional marriages, but I think thats the exception and not the norm.

I agree, when you see that exception being the norm your eyebrows raise.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Only one brought her husband to the US but that's because they were living together in the UAE. The others either sponsored their husbands to adjust status from student visas or they won the visa lottery. And some, like my husband and two others, were asylum seekers. Oh, and one came on H1B skilled worker visa.

All of the women are converts with most of them converting before they met their husbands. However, some are extremely religious/conservative while others are very liberal. I don't know anyone personally that the woman is older.

So can you definitely see the dynamics and different stressors bringing someone to the US can bring as opposed to someone meeting you stateside? I think the first several years that someone lives here can be wildly stressful. Couple that with a failing economy and it can breed all kinds of things

I will say one thing. I am older than my husband. I think I would have been much better off not marrying him. I also can say that had I just stayed here stateside, most likely no one my age or a little older from mena would have married me because I was in my late 30s and had kids and I just was as staashi said, attractive but I dont think if someone from mena had their choice between me and lets say a girl here from Morocco in her 20s no kids, they would be going for her and not me. When you have a passport to offer someone and they are over there and not over here, the odds are tipped to the side of the american getting used

Now all bitterness aside. I love my husband, used or not, maybe thats why I dont feel bitter. I love him and even though hes been a total douchbag to me, I still have alot of love towards him and I feel alot of grief when I think back about things..I joined these boards 5 years ago. I have seen alot in 5 years.I still love him. I am sad that most likely I have no future with him but I love him. I didnt miss out on that. At least I loved.

sigh.....

I often wonder if anyone can possibly understand what its like to love in the face of the other person just taking something from you. I loved him anyway. My passport wasnt doing me that much good anyway.

sigh

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Well then I apologize. I guess it wasn't my place to comment

Dont do that! It was your place, like each one of us here to have a right to voice your opinion. You have been and still are going through enough to have your own opinion.

And I agree with you that it is not just a MENA thing to deceive someone for a green card...but OP posted from her own experience and everyone should take heed just to read and learn.

Whether or not it applies to them exactly or not.

To the poster from Argentina...it is not right to assume women on here or that file for their partners are solely paying for the visa procedure, And no one has "knocked on my door" from America so that is why I found my love born else where.

It asserts the assumption we searched outside of the country because we cant find someone here???

Knowing how important looks are to men in America and more importantly for respect to my husband, I intentionally dont post my photos online but... I assure you if I had a door there would be more than knocking.

I like to think there is goodness in falling in love in unconventional ways. I did not choose him. I only prayed for happiness in life and God answered with this. I love my man and proudly he is a Moroccan.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I also wanted to add that I left out two marriages specifically: one from Morocco and one from Egypt. Both I feel are probably scammers despite their similarity in age and shared religion and lack of children.

I am raising a 16 year old son who s dad is american and the north africans in his life have given him more love than his american dad ever did

He lives 2 miles away and has seen his son maybe twice in the last year and a half. The man I am married to sat with me in the hospital with him, took him out to eat, took care of him when I have been hospitalised several times

Scammed or not, my perceptions of right and wrong have changed as life has happened

sigh....

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Dont do that! It was your place, like each one of us here to have a right to voice your opinion. You have been and still are going through enough to have your own opinion.

And I agree with you that it is not just a MENA thing to deceive someone for a green card...but OP posted from her own experience and everyone should take heed just to read and learn.

Whether or not it applies to them exactly or not.

To the poster from Argentina...it is not right to assume women on here or that file for their partners are solely paying for the visa procedure, And no one has "knocked on my door" from America so that is why I found my love born else where.

It asserts the assumption we searched outside of the country because we cant find someone here???

Knowing how important looks are to men in America and more importantly for respect to my husband, I intentionally dont post my photos online but... I assure you if I had a door there would be more than knocking.

I like to think there is goodness in falling in love in unconventional ways. I did not choose him. I only prayed for happiness in life and God answered with this. I love my man and proudly he is a Moroccan.

I personally think I was scammed but I still love him anyway.I tell other Moroccans that and they look at me amused.

I love him and I worry about him and do you want to know a secret? Even when hes gone for several days, I still wash all of his clothes, I take care of him when hes sick and he takes care of me and takes care of my kids, my house and he buys flowers for my mother, he even takes my kids to the cemetary. I know he doesnt love me. I just love him enough for both of us. He just might marry a girl from back home. But for me, he was and is my big love. I think Id rather be single forever than ever remarry after he leaves me. I had just enough love left for him when my daughters dad left me pregnant. I gave it all to him and now I just have enough for my kids and my mom and family and me.. I still love him and no amount of common sense can wash that out of my heart

sigh....

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Please dont get my humor wrong but this post should now be called

Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA...Beauty for Ashes did.

Girlfriend, I am very sorry about your situation but I dont quite understand why you are quoting my entry and then not addressing things I wrote.

I addressed my entry to

• Tany because she apologized for her opinion (she is going through personal H E ~double hockey sticks for her Mena man) and she is entitled to voicing her opinion
  
• then to the fact that it was good advice from OP if we take it or not...
  
• Mrs Basta!! Just to let her know I am reading with interest in her input
  

But I am confused with your quoting????

So this is my input....Sorry OP and thank you for the post. I took it to heart and will watch out!!!

And good luck Beauty for Ashes...you can help people on her with you massive experience.

[tany1157 161]

Dont do that! It was your place, like each one of us here to have a right to voice your opinion. You have been and still are going through enough to have your own opinion.

And I agree with you that it is not just a MENA thing to deceive someone for a green card...but OP posted from her own experience and everyone should take heed just to read and learn.

Whether or not it applies to them exactly or not.

To the poster from Argentina...it is not right to assume women on here or that file for their partners are solely paying for the visa procedure, And no one has "knocked on my door" from America so that is why I found my love born else where.

It asserts the assumption we searched outside of the country because we cant find someone here???

Knowing how important looks are to men in America and more importantly for respect to my husband, I intentionally dont post my photos online but... I assure you if I had a door there would be more than knocking.

I like to think there is goodness in falling in love in unconventional ways. I did not choose him. I only prayed for happiness in life and God answered with this. I love my man and proudly he is a Moroccan.

Yes, I am going through hell, but I haven't lived with the hubby yet, so in that sense I feel maybe I didn't have a right to comment. I respect that she had the guts to tell her story. And beauty for ashes, I don't know how you do it, but thanks for sharing your heartache too. The tone is so different than what I've read from you in the past. I can see the transition you spoke of. of course I think my man is genuine, we have been going through a nightmare just to be together, but in spite of that, we continue to grow as a couple. I feel we have a better foundation for the next steps in our relationship than we did 2 years ago at his first denial. I'm hurting for you guys and will pray for some healing

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Please dont get my humor wrong but this post should now be called

Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA...Beauty for Ashes did.

Girlfriend, I am very sorry about your situation but I dont quite understand why you are quoting my entry and then not addressing things I wrote.

I addressed my entry to

• Tany because she apologized for her opinion (she is going through personal H E ~double hockey sticks for her Mena man) and she is entitled to voicing her opinion
  
• then to the fact that it was good advice from OP if we take it or not...
  
• Mrs Basta!! Just to let her know I am reading with interest in her input
  

But I am confused with your quoting????

So this is my input....Sorry OP and thank you for the post. I took it to heart and will watch out!!!

And good luck Beauty for Ashes...you can help people on her with you massive experience.

I didnt mean to quote... I accidentally erased what I wrote.. dont be confused...mrs basta hahahhahaha

I think that means enough in italian.. shes had that icon for like FOREVER LOL