Talk about things now, not later. Dont point fingers!

[Pudge 1]

Think the best advice anyone ever gave me on this was "I have been working on my relationship for 20 year and I will still be working at it for the next 20 years."

This was a very good post by the OP

[Jon and Yulia 0]

This is pure wisdom, the stuff of much marital counseling. I remind myself always that my Yulia is leaving everything she is comfortable with to come be with me. I am her comfort now and her help in adjusting to American culture. Thanks so much!

[palhaço 2]

Great advice!

[TBoneTX 44,679]

I agree with you, TBoneTX!

For guys who are marrying Latinas, specifically:

1. Avoid criticizing her.

2. Avoid yelling at her.

I would say that we accept constructive criticism, without demoralizing or devaluing.

Gracias, si man. Perhaps it's similar in Mexico, but certainly in Ecuador, Peru, & Colombia, "machista" behavior by husbands & boyfriends (macho, with devaluation and complete double standards) is common. Having to face even a little of the same treatment from a gringo husband-to-be can be too much to bear for a Latina who's been ripped from her family and friends and is now in a strange country. The feeling of vulnerability is something that we gringos can't comprehend.

---------------

In regard to being unable to drive when first in the U.S., I've always recommended that every incipient immigrant do everything possible to earn a driver's license in his/her own country before coming here -- or to renew an existing foreign driver's license for the maximum term possible as LATE as possible before departing the home country. In the U.S. states that allow foreigners to drive with a foreign license for any time at all, this ability can be a sanity-saver between the time of arrival and the procurement of a U.S. license.

[uktousa 2]

Very well written

quote name='Kevin&Lenith' timestamp='1327599145' post='5121760']

Hi Vj'ers,warning this is long lol

The following are just some general thoughts with regards to issues that I have experienced or have seen others experience upon arrival here in the states. Just some background to start, our journey has been longer that most of yours (almost 4 years) as a result of an annulment process, and some rather criminal behavior by an ex husband and by people within the the phillipine govermental process. With that being said my asawa is now here, we have been married for almost a month, and are very happy. While our journy has certainly been long, it did have a benifit and that was, endless nights, and mornings talking about the smallest of things to the real important issues that would lay the foundation of our life together. Even with all this time, I by no means consider myself an expert in this type of relationship, and hopefully I am getting better at it. Those of us that have been married before think we will always will do better the second time, but more than not we find ourselves making the same mistakes.

I will admit I thought about my asawas ability to adjust to life here endlessly before she got her, and because of that we talked about home sickness, lack of friends, lack of work, being alone for hours, as well as other things she would experience when she first got here. The lesson I learned here is that even though you think you have covered all the bases, until she is put in the situation you just dont know how she is going to handle it. I give Lenith all kinds of credit she has done really well, but there are still times when i can see it guys, and you have to pay atention to it. Just a heads up guys, we may be used to being alone, and getting home from work, and just vegging a bit, well be preparred your going to the attacked lol. I mean this ofcourse in a good way, but you really need to understand that for most of the day she has been waiting for you, sit down and give her the time she needs. I made the mistake one time by saying "go away" ( in a joking manner) because she was constantly at my side, she took it seriously, and went into that silent mode for 24hrs, and ofcourse me being the stubborn one let her. The lesson here is no matter how much you think she understands, there are still aspects of our mannerisums she doesnt.

As an advid reader of visa journey, we have established relationships with others that were on the same time line as Lenith and I. These relationships have continued on Facebook, and a facebook page called asawa world. Quite frankly I am suprised about some of the issues I have seen come up, ofcourse we all have issues but it seems like alot of these issues Lenith and I can remember talking about long before we started our journey. Please, once again I am not criticizing anyone, or thinking I am any better, but it pains both of us to see any of these relationships possibily fail. So while you are preparing for this journey, dont just get caught up in the process, and how long its taking, and how you both miss each other, really get into the nuts and bolts of your future,. Here are just a few helpfull thoughts

1) Talk about religion. who practices, and who doesnt, what changes do you just assume will take place when together.

2) If there are kids involved , talk about parenting. Believe me when I tell you, parenting styles will clash, and jealousy will show its face. The dynamics of a step family are very hard to manage, and you need to understand there will absolutely be clashes. Talk about the issues now, visitation (if part of relationship), time spent with kids takes time away from a new wife, kids take time to adjust (it doesnt just happen) These things sounds simple I know, but talk about them anyway because simple can quickly turn into difficult.

3) For those of you that are independantly wealth skip this one lol. For those that have stayed, this is a biggie. I will leave this one to each of you to consider, but do yourself a favor go over this one again , and again. The expectations I assure you are very different, and if not talked about early on and often will lead to major issues.

4) Culture- your fiancee is a product of a totally different culture, and depending on where you will be living there certainly will be culture shock. We say to ourselves, we know this already, well you really dont because you have never seen her have to react to circumstances here, you have only seen her behavior on a two week vacation in familiar surroundings, so be prepared and non judgemental when she reacts differently then what you would normally expect. Personally here are a couple that we faced. 1) weather- Lenith arrived in New York in Nov lol. Ofcourse we talked about this but nothing can prepare a filipina for 10 degree weather. So guys be prepared for alot of S*#* bombs being dropped, and get your warm clothes shopping done before she get here. 2) Food- get off the couch and find a Filipino store. 3) Where are all the people!!! Yup , they are inside. 4) Getting from point a to point b, it will not be easy for her just to get up and go like at home.

5) Fight fair- ofcourse doesnt mean to fight, but after the long journey and the adjustment period begins there will be disagreements. When this happens, guys , before you bark remember what she has done to come to you (left family and friends), and pinays remember everything he has done to get you here. Pinays, if he is being unsensitive tell him, dont go silent, make sure he understands the pressures you are feeling, and most importantly do get so angry and say " I want to go home", and guys dont use the thought of sending her home as a threat. Once this is out of the box, its hard to put back in. You maybe sitting there and thinking you would never go there, but I have seen it.

I guess that has been the whole point of this novel, the journey is long, but ever so worth it. Take care of the small things before they come up and bite you in the ####. While we cant plan for everything give your relationship a good head start by talking, and guys be patient.

Sorry for the lenght

Kevin & Lenith

[amyandjorge 76]

"Don't point fingers" very important!

I feel like marriages that began with a visa also have an extra sense of responsibility attached to them.

The petitioner actually *signs* for their spouse. I can see how this could turn into "YOU brought me here" or "I did/do everything for YOU", once you have to wake up next to the person every day (for better or worse)

And I have noticed, fighting over the phone is much less satisfying (thus less frequent)

Still not sure how my macho man is going to take to grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. until he gets a steady job, but then he knows how appreciative I can be

[Laure&Colin 557]

I think yelling at your spouse is always a bad idea, regardless of their cultural background

I've been lucky enough to live with my husband for over 2 years before he had to go back to the States, so I know him pretty well.

But for those of you who have never lived together: you have to keep a very open mind, cause there will be surprises, good AND bad! It's the same in any kind of relationship when you start sharing your living space, but the circumstances in our situations (culture shock, painful immigration process, deadlines...) just put a lot more pressure on our shoulders. Just take it easy!

Taking care of everything for your spouse might seem overwhelming, exhausting, boring... I know cause I had to do that for my husband in France: take care of his bank stuff, his insurances, his phone contract, calling the landlord, the electicity people, doing the shopping, double-checking his pay stubs, reading his mail, filing for his income tax, etc, etc... I felt like I had to manage EVERYTHING! But you HAVE to do it, because nobody else can, and before you know, your spouse will master the language better and become more independant. Just be aware of it and ready to be your spouse's secretary for a while.

[tazzie 6]

Excellent Post. You raised some very important points.

[MrTee12 64]

Good post, si man.

Remember: Delayed homesickness can strike, months after arrival, regardless of preparation for it or not. This can be in the form of "I thought that I had life, culture, and adjustment all figured out, but I really don't."

-------

General things to remember in one's formerly long-distance relationship:

1. Take one day at a time.

2. Go for being happy over being right.

3. Avoid making mountains out of molehills.

4. Ask for help when you feel "in over your head" (a hard one, sometimes).

-------

For guys who are marrying Latinas, specifically:

1. Avoid criticizing her.

2. Avoid yelling at her.

Si, man.

OP Great Thread!

TBone you are right on the money. Thanks.

[wissnan4ever 10]

All I can say is . Great Advice!

[Operator 1,927]

And surely during many nights and days (months/years in some cases) chatting/talking via ym and phone calls, the very issues listed below must have been talked about. Yet, once the fiance is here these issues become the very source of fights and arguments. Personally I just don't see why there should ever be any harsh words or fights about any of this

1. Being at home bored to tears

2. Not able to work for several months

3. Unable to find most of her food due to lack of Asian markets if you live in a rural area or just from a plain lack of suck markets

4. Difficulty adjusting to the cold weather

5. Her lack of ability to prepare meals, because she does not cook at all, can not cook American or any other style of food and/or see #3

6. Gets lonely for her family to the point of borderline depression

7. Misses her family to the point of wanting to go home before AOS or getting AP

8. Transportation-can't get around without the husband/fiance for reasons of not being able to drive, not being licensed, not having a second vehicle to drive too being insecure about driving here

9. Religion and the different views held by the couple, there has been enough said and countless volumes have been written about this very matter, countries have gone to war with each other over it. You'd think a couple knows and respects each others views about this long before they even consider a relationship

10. Kids; hers, his and theirs. Discipline, education, morals, values and everything in between

11. Making time for her and giving him space after he gets home. What man does not want to be swallowed up and showered by an avalanche of hugs, kisses, affection by his sexy fiance/wife upon walking through the door? Yet there are guys that want or need less of it than others, me...give me all you got! Any man married to a Latina or a Filipina had better be ready to get lots of attention and affection from the woman that has been bored out of her mind when he gets home, most likely you are the only other person she has talked to and likely the only person she has had any physical contact with all day.

12. Not wanting to have children or a change of mind about having children, especially if she is not a mother

13. The fiance/wife not being the priority with regards to respect, love, affection, attention and the household fiances she deserves as compared to the ex-wife and his kids from any previous relationship (s)

So for those bored because they can't work, can't get around, have no friends yet...find a way to stay busy, this will all pass.

Thanks for that post Kevin!

Reading some of these I was wondering what you were doing looking in our window.

It's important, I think, for husbands to realize that our wives don't necessarily need us to agree with them but what they want is for us to understand them (or at least make an effort to).

My wife gave up a LOT to come and be with me in the US and I try to find a way to show her how much I appreciate it everyday. When the day comes that we move to China I'll know a little bit about how she felt moving to a different country. I'm sure she'll be very supportive and tell me to stop bitching and be a man.

Good post OP!

Edited January 27, 2012 by Operator

[StraightShooter 62]

...In regard to being unable to drive when first in the U.S., I've always recommended that every incipient immigrant do everything possible to earn a driver's license in his/her own country before coming here -- or to renew an existing foreign driver's license for the maximum term possible as LATE as possible before departing the home country. In the U.S. states that allow foreigners to drive with a foreign license for any time at all, this ability can be a sanity-saver between the time of arrival and the procurement of a U.S. license.

Uhhhh.... NO!!

I do NOT want my baby learning how to drive in her current environment. She'd have too many bad habits like these to unlearn once she arrives here.

[GnBnL 50]

thanks for this post, its really great advice and I agree, it should be posted permanently somewhere.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Uhhhh.... NO!!

I do NOT want my baby learning how to drive in her current environment. She'd have too many bad habits like these to unlearn once she arrives here.

Isn't that the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amy mentions starting to learn there and I said.......... NO! Pls!!

[Operator 1,927]

In regard to being unable to drive when first in the U.S., I've always recommended that every incipient immigrant do everything possible to earn a driver's license in his/her own country before coming here -- or to renew an existing foreign driver's license for the maximum term possible as LATE as possible before departing the home country. In the U.S. states that allow foreigners to drive with a foreign license for any time at all, this ability can be a sanity-saver between the time of arrival and the procurement of a U.S. license.

Sorry Mr. TBone I'm gonna have to call a geographic audible here. If your foreign spouse did not drive in their home country and that home country is in Asia... please don't learn to drive before you get here. The roads from Bombay to Beijing are wet with my tears of fear and I've landed on aircraft carries at night in rough seas.