Talk about things now, not later. Dont point fingers!

[gyselle 4]

Thanks for the great post!

On the other side of the fence...I would like to add...

As someone who is "new" to the country, granted I have been the USA many times for a vacation...living here is a different story.

I am both thankful and equally frustrated right now that I have time on my hands to do nothing...I miss earning my own keep.

I miss my family. I miss my friends.

This waiting for my EAD/GC does really gets to me..

So, my advice to the people who move.. get out and do something.

Right now, I'm learning Spanish, go for fitness classes and I volunteer at a museum as well as a soup kitchen.

This is on top of my newly minted housewifey duties of making dinner and keeping our humble abode in order.

I cannot "blame" my husband for not being around during the day...and we also have to accept that he must be a little stressed that he knows he is responsible why i'm away from my family/friends and i'm not working..and he has to earn money for both of us. We have to take responsibility of our own lives and get out there!

On both sides...have a little patience...

Marriage isnt about the big wedding or the great events..

it is about living everyday together. and we should be thankful that we can live everyday together with the one we love.

[Leatherneck 693]

Kevin, that was a great post and you said things that really needed to be said...surely others will benefit from it. However, I will add this also. I am amazed be the fact that everyone knows as a K-1 you will not be able to work until they get that EAD, she will be on the sofa watching movies, cleaning the house, the fiancee will be rearranging the house to her liking, etc, etc...

The boredom is bound to set in at some point.

And surely during many nights and days (months/years in some cases) chatting/talking via ym and phone calls, the very issues listed below must have been talked about. Yet, once the fiance is here these issues become the very source of fights and arguments. Personally I just don't see why there should ever be any harsh words or fights about any of this

1. Being at home bored to tears

2. Not able to work for several months

3. Unable to find most of her food due to lack of Asian markets if you live in a rural area or just from a plain lack of suck markets

4. Difficulty adjusting to the cold weather

5. Her lack of ability to prepare meals, because she does not cook at all, can not cook American or any other style of food and/or see #3

6. Gets lonely for her family to the point of borderline depression

7. Misses her family to the point of wanting to go home before AOS or getting AP

8. Transportation-can't get around without the husband/fiance for reasons of not being able to drive, not being licensed, not having a second vehicle to drive too being insecure about driving here

9. Religion and the different views held by the couple, there has been enough said and countless volumes have been written about this very matter, countries have gone to war with each other over it. You'd think a couple knows and respects each others views about this long before they even consider a relationship

10. Kids; hers, his and theirs. Discipline, education, morals, values and everything in between

11. Making time for her and giving him space after he gets home. What man does not want to be swallowed up and showered by an avalanche of hugs, kisses, affection by his sexy fiance/wife upon walking through the door? Yet there are guys that want or need less of it than others, me...give me all you got! Any man married to a Latina or a Filipina had better be ready to get lots of attention and affection from the woman that has been bored out of her mind when he gets home, most likely you are the only other person she has talked to and likely the only person she has had any physical contact with all day.

12. Not wanting to have children or a change of mind about having children, especially if she is not a mother

13. The fiance/wife not being the priority with regards to respect, love, affection, attention and the household fiances she deserves as compared to the ex-wife and his kids from any previous relationship (s)

So for those bored because they can't work, can't get around, have no friends yet...find a way to stay busy, this will all pass.

Thanks for that post Kevin!

Edited January 26, 2012 by Leatherneck

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Remember: Delayed homesickness can strike, months after arrival, regardless of preparation for it or not. This can be in the form of "I thought that I had life, culture, and adjustment all figured out, but I really don't."

This is very true. My homesickness didn't kick in until I had been here nearly 2 years. And then it was a really strange experience because no one else really understood - I think for the first two years I was just excited to be back together and enjoying exploring. It was only when I was really settled that I had time to reflect and realise how much I still missed from home.

[gland 5]

Hi Vj'ers,warning this is long lol

The following are just some general thoughts with regards to issues that I have experienced or have seen others experience upon arrival here in the states. Just some background to start, our journey has been longer that most of yours (almost 4 years) as a result of an annulment process, and some rather criminal behavior by an ex husband and by people within the the phillipine govermental process. With that being said my asawa is now here, we have been married for almost a month, and are very happy. While our journy has certainly been long, it did have a benifit and that was, endless nights, and mornings talking about the smallest of things to the real important issues that would lay the foundation of our life together. Even with all this time, I by no means consider myself an expert in this type of relationship, and hopefully I am getting better at it. Those of us that have been married before think we will always will do better the second time, but more than not we find ourselves making the same mistakes.

I will admit I thought about my asawas ability to adjust to life here endlessly before she got her, and because of that we talked about home sickness, lack of friends, lack of work, being alone for hours, as well as other things she would experience when she first got here. The lesson I learned here is that even though you think you have covered all the bases, until she is put in the situation you just dont know how she is going to handle it. I give Lenith all kinds of credit she has done really well, but there are still times when i can see it guys, and you have to pay atention to it. Just a heads up guys, we may be used to being alone, and getting home from work, and just vegging a bit, well be preparred your going to the attacked lol. I mean this ofcourse in a good way, but you really need to understand that for most of the day she has been waiting for you, sit down and give her the time she needs. I made the mistake one time by saying "go away" ( in a joking manner) because she was constantly at my side, she took it seriously, and went into that silent mode for 24hrs, and ofcourse me being the stubborn one let her. The lesson here is no matter how much you think she understands, there are still aspects of our mannerisums she doesnt.

As an advid reader of visa journey, we have established relationships with others that were on the same time line as Lenith and I. These relationships have continued on Facebook, and a facebook page called asawa world. Quite frankly I am suprised about some of the issues I have seen come up, ofcourse we all have issues but it seems like alot of these issues Lenith and I can remember talking about long before we started our journey. Please, once again I am not criticizing anyone, or thinking I am any better, but it pains both of us to see any of these relationships possibily fail. So while you are preparing for this journey, dont just get caught up in the process, and how long its taking, and how you both miss each other, really get into the nuts and bolts of your future,. Here are just a few helpfull thoughts

1) Talk about religion. who practices, and who doesnt, what changes do you just assume will take place when together.

2) If there are kids involved , talk about parenting. Believe me when I tell you, parenting styles will clash, and jealousy will show its face. The dynamics of a step family are very hard to manage, and you need to understand there will absolutely be clashes. Talk about the issues now, visitation (if part of relationship), time spent with kids takes time away from a new wife, kids take time to adjust (it doesnt just happen) These things sounds simple I know, but talk about them anyway because simple can quickly turn into difficult.

3) For those of you that are independantly wealth skip this one lol. For those that have stayed, this is a biggie. I will leave this one to each of you to consider, but do yourself a favor go over this one again , and again. The expectations I assure you are very different, and if not talked about early on and often will lead to major issues.

4) Culture- your fiancee is a product of a totally different culture, and depending on where you will be living there certainly will be culture shock. We say to ourselves, we know this already, well you really dont because you have never seen her have to react to circumstances here, you have only seen her behavior on a two week vacation in familiar surroundings, so be prepared and non judgemental when she reacts differently then what you would normally expect. Personally here are a couple that we faced. 1) weather- Lenith arrived in New York in Nov lol. Ofcourse we talked about this but nothing can prepare a filipina for 10 degree weather. So guys be prepared for alot of S*#* bombs being dropped, and get your warm clothes shopping done before she get here. 2) Food- get off the couch and find a Filipino store. 3) Where are all the people!!! Yup , they are inside. 4) Getting from point a to point b, it will not be easy for her just to get up and go like at home.

5) Fight fair- ofcourse doesnt mean to fight, but after the long journey and the adjustment period begins there will be disagreements. When this happens, guys , before you bark remember what she has done to come to you (left family and friends), and pinays remember everything he has done to get you here. Pinays, if he is being unsensitive tell him, dont go silent, make sure he understands the pressures you are feeling, and most importantly do get so angry and say " I want to go home", and guys dont use the thought of sending her home as a threat. Once this is out of the box, its hard to put back in. You maybe sitting there and thinking you would never go there, but I have seen it.

I guess that has been the whole point of this novel, the journey is long, but ever so worth it. Take care of the small things before they come up and bite you in the ####. While we cant plan for everything give your relationship a good head start by talking, and guys be patient.

Sorry for the lenght

Kevin & Lenith

Outstanding advise. Thank you for sharing.

[Ellesse 11]

Thanks for the great post!

On the other side of the fence...I would like to add...

As someone who is "new" to the country, granted I have been the USA many times for a vacation...living here is a different story.

I am both thankful and equally frustrated right now that I have time on my hands to do nothing...I miss earning my own keep.

I miss my family. I miss my friends.

This waiting for my EAD/GC does really gets to me..

So, my advice to the people who move.. get out and do something.

Right now, I'm learning Spanish, go for fitness classes and I volunteer at a museum as well as a soup kitchen.

This is on top of my newly minted housewifey duties of making dinner and keeping our humble abode in order.

I cannot "blame" my husband for not being around during the day...and we also have to accept that he must be a little stressed that he knows he is responsible why i'm away from my family/friends and i'm not working..and he has to earn money for both of us. We have to take responsibility of our own lives and get out there!

On both sides...have a little patience...

Marriage isnt about the big wedding or the great events..

it is about living everyday together. and we should be thankful that we can live everyday together with the one we love.

Totally agree with this and the OP. I could really relate to the whole 'attacking when he gets home' thing - I did the same thing initially as I just wanted someone to talk to, but we agreed that my husband would have half an hour at least when he got home to just..de-work..before we discussed anything serious or I bombarded him with questions. Of course, that's not rigid, but we try to stick to it as much as possible.

As the non-US citizen, I would say in addition to above and to the Kevin's post: one of the things I found most difficult during my initial few months (and what I'm still finding) was that I had no status, and this seemed to make even the most simple things more complicated. I've always owned a car, for instance, and being without one for even a month was really tricky (particularly as noone seems to walk where I am, and it's not close to a city centre or anything like that). Add to that trying to change my name on my SS card, getting a driving license and so on and..whew..did that cause frustration. I know it's only temporary but it's that feeling that you're still waiting on things, despite being in the US and things now apparently being easy! I'm happy to be here and it is so much easier with my husband by my side but it can still get to me at times, and I think others have found the same from what I've read on this forum.

Another thing I have noticed about myself is how much I compare things here to home (the UK). It's in no way a criticism of the US, it's just me trying to compare what I knew to what I now have to learn and having something to 'hang' things on. I wonder if other people new to the US do this too, but I'm conscious that I do it.

L

[Enigma11561 336]

This was a wonderful post. BUT..it applies to all countries.Asian, Latino, Russian, and so on. And it also makes the point in getting to know each other better. I have always said that one trip, over a few days, does not make for a strong relationship, in most cases. And have been hammered on it. But then I see so many posts where after a year or so, here come the divorces.

The points you make are..well..to the point. And the more you can discuss before, the easier it will be later. You need to take your time early on, to try and know each other better so that when she/he arrives, as difficult as some adjustments may be, it will easier to understand and communicate what the problems are.

Well done.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Good write-up

I do agree that 1 & 2 should have been addressed at length from the very begininning of the relationship, along with # 3.

As much as # 4 is "known" and thought to be understood until it becomes a reality it won't be real and that is when the problems will surface. This is when the extra patience and understanding is required.

# 5 ... hmm, if you think this one doesn't apply to "you", then I will tell you denial is not just a river in Egypt. There will be days that the doo-doo will hit the fan, its part of a healthy relationship, how you each handle it is where great marriages grow from.

**

Edited January 26, 2012 by Hank_Amy

[GoingCrazy2012 16]

Great post! Communication is always good in any couple but there are certain things like you said that you will only know the day she actually steps in her new life.

[MERIC061609 15]

this is a very informative post and i totally agree with the points made. I told my fiance all the things that he will not be able to do for the first months. Over that period (while waiting on EAD and GC), I will be the only one working and providing for our home and he should never feel any less of a man because of that. Because, that was my biggest fear, making my future hubby, the love of my life feel so small and useless. I have to say that my fiance does not speak very good English, we communicate in Spanish (I am a Spanish native speaker), so not knowing the language very well comes with a whole set of frustrations. Believe me, we have talk about all these issues and how hard the adjustment to a new country will be. I kinda told him all the cons before the pros. I love this man so much that I cannot force him to move to another country and change his life completely. I believe that we did not file our K-1 before because we BOTH wanted to be sure of what we were going to do. I feel that my fears ans doubts about my fiance's adjustment to the US are not as overwhelming as I was before. I know it is going to be difficult but long distance relationships are not suckers, but for willing strong people that love each other no matter what. We will make it

ME

[Orando 57]

Good stuff...

[aalopez 0]

Thank you for the advice

i think it will be helpful and like danilu said it should be 50/50

[Kevin&Lenith 36]

Please learn how to separate paragraphs with double spaces.

Get a grip, if its that important to you, move to another posting!

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

oh this is so true me and my husband had relationship for a yea being away from each other with no fights at all but when i came over everything change i always complain about stuff specially him being so insensetive and we even go to that far were we both aggreed i will just come home but then at the end of the day realizing how much we love each other and how much we have put up with this whole relationship help us worked it out and its getting better day by day (not saying that we will not fight anymore) but being extra understanding to each other helped a lot and not only considering your self but the other person too plus filling my AOS helped it cos i can finally work soon and get a life here with new friends and all that good stuff i really believe staying home and doing absolutely nothing but taking care of the house frustrate the girls a lot specially when she left home with work and with a lot of people stayed with her family and then a sudden change...at the other hand its all worth it though cos finally ur with the man who u know had done so much for you so i think good communication heart to heart talk helps a lot. God bless everyone!

oh this is so true me and my husband had relationship for a year being away from each other with no fights at all but when i came over everything change i always complain about stuff specially him being so insensetive and we even go to that far were we both aggreed i will just come home but then at the end of the day realizing how much we love each other and how much we have put up with this whole relationship help us worked it out and its getting better day by day (not saying that we will not fight anymore) but being extra understanding to each other helped a lot and not only considering your self but the other person too plus filling my AOS helped it cos i can finally work soon and get a life here with new friends and all that good stuff i really believe staying home and doing absolutely nothing but taking care of the house frustrate the girls a lot specially when she left home with work and with a lot of people stayed with her family and then a sudden change...at the other hand its all worth it though cos finally ur with the man who u know had done so much for you so i think good communication heart to heart talk helps a lot. God bless everyone!

This post will definitely be in the running for the longest sentence 2012 award.

[thinkerlove0212 158]

This post will definitely be in the running for the longest sentence 2012 award.

Very Nicely written. We have discussed all the same things. We have already learned from 2 misunderstandings that we both need to have patience with each other and how she says something or her understanding how I say something.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Get a grip, if its that important to you, move to another posting!