Is being 'hard headed' a RUB chick trait ?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Gary, I know you like to hold Alla up as a positive model of RUB women. I'll make a judgment she is more the exception than the rule concerning RUB women, especially considering she is a USSR era woman.

I see you sharing with us the good things you do with, and for, her boys. I hope your influence on them has moved them towards that male world they will need to deal with. Nice boys may seen kind and docile, making some feel safer...but it is the real man who shows us what a boy can become with the right attention from older caring men.

Two minor corrections. Alla is a positive model for women, not just RUB women. I agree she is an exceptional woman. Lucky me. They are our boys. Seeing it any other way will result in failure.

So far I am 2 for 4. Number 3 and 4 well on their way. Thankfully they do not have a male role model that lays around drunk and beats his wife and children.

I do not see how the above has anything to do with who a woman considers number 1, husband or children. I always assume a woman makes children number 1.

Also I do not see how a woman who is strict would lead to some sort of uberpussy man. Counter-intutitive to me. Expecting them to do their job and not accepting less than what you know they are capable of makes them "soft" ???

What do these boys see? A man that does all he can for his family and is not violent, drunk, doesn't whine about sh*t, just handles it. I have even gone through all our bills with them, how to balance their checkbooks, use their funds to their best advantage, do their own tax returns etc. In other words they KNOW that the lights do not just "turn on" when they flip the switch, that someone (that would be the adults who care for them) actually works and deposit money to an account to pay the bill. While WE provide for their needs the way adults should do for children, THEY provide for their "wants" with their own earnings and we make no apologies about it. But for socks and underwear they pay for their own clothes for the most part. We Do buy them things like coats they need for winter, but hey, you want a bunch of "cool clothes"? Get a job!

We also pay for a few other things we want them to do. We buy a season pass for the family for skiing and we pay for Pashas ski club membership at school which includes a bus ride every Friday night to the ski resort. For one thing we WANT him to have this physical activity, it is great exercise, cheap actually. Costs us less than $200 for a season lift ticket and transportation for a 4 month ski season. 50 bucks a month for a good activity to help him be strong and active? Good deal if you ask me. PLUS he gets excellent grades in school and does his job. I have no problem with rewards for doing a good job, it is how the world works. I get bonuses when I do a good job, why not them? If they slacked off and did not do well and we still did this for them, then they would be spoiled. In this case they have EARNED something. I assure you, if Pasha's grades slip he will not be going skiing. We have also paid extra (but not much) to get him in the "outdoors Adventure Program" at school, This is a special PE class that costs extra but they teach them kayaking,(the school is right on lake Champlain) rock climbing, rope climbing (ropes strung throughout the woods behind the school) mountain biking, orienteering, cross country skiing, snowshoeing, plus things like "stormboarding" riding a snowboard on the frozen lake with a parachute! It is incredible! All good activities and teaches him things he can enjoy for many years.

[baron555 934]

I agree with Gary's statements above and echo the same behavior, albeit a little differently right now since my son is only 4 years old.

But I do take a bit of exception to this statement:

when my son was ready, in my judgment, I began to take charge of teaching him what I felt he needed to grow and mature, and be able to take care of himself

I agree with the statement.....but what I don't agree with, at least what the statement to me is insinuating, is that there is no "magical" time for the father to come to life in the son's life.

Like my own father did, I am involved all the time in my son's life (as much as my work will allow) and he is only 4. The involvement will change as he grows up and yes there will be things he and I will do together alone and my Alla is fine with that. We have talked about this......

....what is missing from "modern" families, even those in FSU, is the parents talking about raising the children. That is most likely not done and will be impossible if he's drunk, etc...

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I agree with the statement.....but what I don't agree with, at least what the statement to me is insinuating, is that there is no "magical" time for the father to come to life in the son's life.

....what is missing from "modern" families, even those in FSU, is the parents talking about raising the children. That is most likely not done and will be impossible if he's drunk, etc...

Excellent post Phil, you are lucky in many ways.

It always amazes me when people object to things like sex education in schools. My thought is "Your child LIVES in your house and you are with them every day and you are worried about the SCHOOL teaching them about sex?" My kids could say "may I be excused, I already know this stuff"

You cannot begin early enough. Pasha was already 13 when he arrived and I started training him to drive right away. How much training is enough? He also had drivers ed in school and three years experience driving before he got his license. If I had my way he would have begun driving at about age 10. Of the three immigrants in this house he is the best driver by far.

True that the adults have to agree on the direction of the children's lives and make plans for them in their interest and no one is better qualified to do so in my opinion. I think not a day goes by that we do not discuss something regarding the kids, ALL of them.

It is especially important if you consider marrying a woman that has children already and has had several years to raise them on her own. If you fundamentally disagree on how children be raised and what is important then it is a mistake for everyone to get married. Even if you are going to make your own children, it is important you agree on this stuff, it is something to be discussed up front to be sure.

HOTness and sex are great but very hollow if you simply do not agree on other things.

Not to be flippant toward people married without children but I have to imagine it is a lot easier not having to concern yourself with anyone but another adult that can do things for themselves. Especially when they start getting scattered around the world, driving cars, and/or both! Then you can only hope what you told them and taught them serves them well.

[visaveteran1 33]

I agree with Gary's statements above and echo the same behavior, albeit a little differently right now since my son is only 4 years old.

But I do take a bit of exception to this statement:

when my son was ready, in my judgment, I began to take charge of teaching him what I felt he needed to grow and mature, and be able to take care of himself

I agree with the statement.....but what I don't agree with, at least what the statement to me is insinuating, is that there is no "magical" time for the father to come to life in the son's life.

Like my own father did, I am involved all the time in my son's life (as much as my work will allow) and he is only 4. The involvement will change as he grows up and yes there will be things he and I will do together alone and my Alla is fine with that. We have talked about this......

....what is missing from "modern" families, even those in FSU, is the parents talking about raising the children. That is most likely not done and will be impossible if he's drunk, etc...

I probably didn't convey that point exactly like I wanted. I was involved with my son before he was born...Lamaze classes. I was there when he was born and actually was the first to hold him as he was a C-section baby.

It may surprise you to know I was a stay home dad. After the first two years, my wife at that time had to go back to her teaching job or loose it. I was running a home-based business so I put that on hold and became a full-time dad. My wife ultimately went part-time to be home more and I continued working from home...so my son never went to daycare. He had one or both parents home until he went to college. I'm proud of that fact.

When my son was six, I started taking him to a father-son camp up in a beautiful old campsite in W. Va. He was exposed to caring fathers and adult men (as well as kids of all ages) doing healthy activities...not drinking and talking sports, cars and hot babes. We went just about every year until he was an older teenager. My son and I grew together and we taught each other as we both got older. I have never had one days worth of problems with him. He highly respects me as a Vietnam veteran and I think I represent a hero figure to him. He's now in grad school working on his PhD in physics. He shoots better than I do and seems a very happy young man. He camps, is into short-wave radio and, of course, computers. He also takes after me with a love for guns, knives and all manner of tactical and carry gear. I was involved in a lot of men's groups and vets groups, and my son was frequently in the company of some great men and role models. The results are apparent to me.

My point is basically for the first part of childhood, the mother is in the lead through giving birth, nursing, nurturing, and gently raising a fragile young boy. The father is nearby and involved, caring and protecting and helping, but mom is the lead parent. There is a time for the mother to be the chief caregiver, even with stay home dads, kids still need mom for comfort, nutrition, nurturing and the woman's touch. As time goes by, the period for a dad to be more front and center in teaching, guiding and showing him the rougher and the masculine ways of men arrives. Some do this with sports or camping, fishing, shooting, hunting, etc. The importance of just being near your son gives them silent lessons in what it means to be a man. The teaching can be passive...but critical. Other times it must be intentional and active father to son stuff.

One thing I believe...mom's love their kids unconditionally. Dads love their kids but with expectations and requirements. The son has to be accountable and able to accept consequences if boundaries are broken. Mom may easily forgive or overlook certain "bad" behavior. The dad may be the one to require accountability for behavior. This is the harder part of being a father. You have to show them some warrior and king energy. Your strength and unbending rules will be a source of comfort once the kids push up against it and see you won't break. The world needs strong fathers. When women try to be tough "dads," it sends a confusing message to kids. Their sense of male and female can get out of whack. The boys that have only a mom are often the type that let's their girlfriend boss them around. These boys see men as weak and absent...but women are the boss. I see this at times. It's disturbing.

In the whole of things, both parents are involved. I changed my share of diapers. Parenting is a partnership of sorts, but there is the time for the mom to lead and a time for her to slowly let go and let the dad begin to become the more influential parent. The transition, ideally, is slow and subtle up to that "time" when the father needs to step up and do one of the most important things he will ever do...help his son over the bridge from boyhood to manhood. A good woman will support that process.

All of this is quite different with step kids. And what happens between step parents and step kids is determined by too many variables to draw clear judgments of results and outcomes. Theoretically, it should go better the younger the step parent is, and how willing the natural parenting is willing to allow the step parent to get involved. I think it is an awkward thing for many. Some, like Gary seem very good at dealing with his wife's boys. There are good stories and bad stories...nothing is assured even with the best intentions.

These are my views and judgments and beliefs...nothing more. Your truth may be different.

[visaveteran1 33]

The editor wouldn't let me made a correction.In the last full paragraph of my latest post. I meant to say "the younger the step child is." Not "the younger the step parent is."

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The editor wouldn't let me made a correction.In the last full paragraph of my latest post. I meant to say "the younger the step child is." Not "the younger the step parent is."

True. All the more reason to be sure the intents are the same especially with older children.

Children are a huge part of a marriage and if you do not agree on basics of raising your children...holy moley! That will be nothing but trouble. I am not talking munor differences, Alla is stricter than I am actually, especially about school work, house cleaning, etc. Hey 3.85 or 3.92 is a great GPA, IMO but she says "it means they can get 4.0 but they are TOO LAZY!" That's minor. We both agree that education is overwhelmingly important, no argument there.

We all know that kids nowadays will plop themselves down and text their life away or play computer games so we agree we have to direct energy in other areas and limit that stuff. "You ARE going to study, you ARE going to work (if you want to have money to buy goodies), and you ARE going to get off your @ss and do some physical activities, THEN you can play computer games or text your friends or whatever"

[visaveteran1 33]

True. All the more reason to be sure the intents are the same especially with older children.

Children are a huge part of a marriage and if you do not agree on basics of raising your children...holy moley! That will be nothing but trouble. I am not talking munor differences, Alla is stricter than I am actually, especially about school work, house cleaning, etc. Hey 3.85 or 3.92 is a great GPA, IMO but she says "it means they can get 4.0 but they are TOO LAZY!" That's minor. We both agree that education is overwhelmingly important, no argument there.

We all know that kids nowadays will plop themselves down and text their life away or play computer games so we agree we have to direct energy in other areas and limit that stuff. "You ARE going to study, you ARE going to work (if you want to have money to buy goodies), and you ARE going to get off your @ss and do some physical activities, THEN you can play computer games or text your friends or whatever"

The universities in the USA are bastions for ultra liberals, feminists, soft male professors, anti-second amendment goofballs, feminist radicals, biased teaching, and lots of anti-America sentiment. They're also shooting galleries for nut jobs and sickos in the college "gun free zones." Or, as I call them, "Shoot me, I'm unarmed zones." Is that really where we want our kids taught?

A grade point average tells you very little about the quality of a person. The only real importance is getting up to the next rug on the rat race ladder. The pressure placed on kids has trickled down to preschool with parents vying for "the best" school. I mean, when does a kid get to be just a kid? The are a load of smart people that are incapable of taking care of themselves should even minor disruptions in the basic services chain occur. There's more to life than getting an "A."

Edited December 27, 2011 by visaveteran1

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The universities in the USA are bastions for ultra liberals, feminists, soft male professors, anti-second amendment goofballs, feminist radicals, biased teaching, and lots of anti-America sentiment. They're also shooting galleries for nut jobs and sickos in the college "gun free zones." Or, as I call them, "Shoot me, I'm unarmed zones."

A grade point average tells you very little about the quality of a person. The only real importance is getting up to the next rug on the rat race ladder. The pressure placed on kids has trickled down to preschool with parents vying for "the best" school. I mean, when does a kid get to be just a kid? The are a load of smart people that are incapable of taking care of themselves should even minor disruptions in the basic services chain occur. There's more to life than getting an "A."

I have two gun loving, conservative boys that graduated from US colleges also.

Education alone is meaningless and practical knowledge and good family are of little use, combined they are very powerful. I do not suggest one in the absence of the other. We are teaching them to climb rocks and finish sheetrock as well as math and science.

GPA means little to me because in 10 years, even 5 years, no one cares, but Alla puts a high degree of importance on it because it often determines what kind of funding you get. You do not get a paid scholarship at MIPT with a 3.5 average, it is true. You won't even get a scholarship at State U with that. You MAY get admitted. I let her play the bad guy on that issue, I just encourage them to do their best and help them where I can. I CANNOT help Sergey with his math problems, OMG NO!!!!!!! GTFO with that!

But this goes back to WHY would you allow THEM to teach your child about sex? Or the second amendment? Learning is both at home and at school. I do not think it is their responsibility to teach my children about guns. I did that. They can recognize an anti-2nd amendment goofball a mile away. You do not have to teach them about being conservative when they see you work and do all you can for them and accept that doing otherwise is just not right.

[baron555 934]

There's more to life than getting an "A."

For sure.....and that's why a balanced "attack" on the child by both parents, who have a coordinated motive to each of their interactions with the child, is key.

And yes, it's just as important to allow the kids to play as it is to provide education.

[ONA 133]

You do not get a paid scholarship at MIPT with a 3.5 average, it is true. You won't even get a scholarship at State U with that. You MAY get admitted.

You do get a scholarship in Russia if you was admitted to a STATE funded program (you should score well in admissions tests for that) and if you don't get any C's. That's it. You don't have to have strait A's. Plus in Russia the whole concept of a State University is different - State Universities are the best schools in the country like Moscow State University and many others.

I have no idea what my GPA is (we don't have GPAs in Russia), shouldn't be that high at all - about 3.3 or 3.4. My bad - I skipped classes to be able to work (it was impossible otherwise, because we usually had classes from 9.30-11 am to 5-7 pm - usual working hours). That was entirely my decision - high GPA and an honor diploma by itself doesn't mean anything, I chose a lower GPA + work experience.

[TBoneTX 45,090]

I CANNOT help Sergey with his math problems, OMG NO!!!!!!!

It didn't take long in hyskool to realize that Algebra is the national language of Algeria, no man, or that calculus is what the dentist scrapes off one's teeth, si man...

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

You do get a scholarship in Russia if you was admitted to a STATE funded program (you should score well in admissions tests for that) and if you don't get any C's. That's it. You don't have to have strait A's. Plus in Russia the whole concept of a State University is different - State Universities are the best schools in the country like Moscow State University and many others.

I have no idea what my GPA is (we don't have GPAs in Russia), shouldn't be that high at all - about 3.3 or 3.4. My bad - I skipped classes to be able to work (it was impossible otherwise, because we usually had classes from 9.30-11 am to 5-7 pm - usual working hours). That was entirely my decision - high GPA and an honor diploma by itself doesn't mean anything, I chose a lower GPA + work experience.

MIPT had a highly competitive selection process for UKRAINIAN students to attend. In fact he had to win a regional math competition to qualify to apply. Alla took him to Moscow several times during the period we were processing the visa for exams and interviews. He got accepted that summer before we got our visa so obviously after all that, he was not going to just leave and hope he could go back the next year. Maybe not so competitive for Russians, I do not know, but I think yes. Sergey could not get a scholarship for a bachelor's degree, we had to pay cash in advance, though it was very reasonably priced, I am not complaining about that. He did get one of very few scholarships for a master's offered to "foreign" students and he is actually registered as a citizen of Ukraine but a resident of the USA. That complicated things a bit but we had to do so to protect his green card.

And they do assign a GPA there but it is based on a 5.0 scale rather than 4.0.

Edited December 27, 2011 by Gary and Alla

[ONA 133]

MIPT had a highly competitive selection process for UKRAINIAN students to attend. In fact he had to win a regional math competition to qualify to apply. Alla took him to Moscow several times during the period we were processing the visa for exams and interviews. He got accepted that summer before we got our visa so obviously after all that, he was not going to just leave and hope he could go back the next year. Maybe not so competitive for Russians, I do not know, but I think yes. Sergey could not get a scholarship for a bachelor's degree, we had to pay cash in advance, though it was very reasonably priced, I am not complaining about that. He did get one of very few scholarships for a master's offered to "foreign" students and he is actually registered as a citizen of Ukraine but a resident of the USA. That complicated things a bit but we had to do so to protect his green card.

And they do assign a GPA there but it is based on a 5.0 scale rather than 4.0.

They don't assign GPA in most schools in Russia. They only have an "honor" diploma (a red one) or a regular one (blue).

MIPT is a state university too. It's not as competitive as the Bauman Moscow State Technical University, but it is a pretty good school (as most State universities in Russia are). Private Universities and Institutes in Russia are bad places to study in. A State University is a place to go.

[Codeblue009 3]

Hard-headed? Absolutely.

But let's not forget intolerant and temperamental!

Oh yeah... and jealous... I could probably think of a few more...

Ditto!!!!!! Just remember that you do not understand and never will and they are always right and you are always wrong. Even when you are right and they see it, you get that look like so what I am still right and you were lucky! For me in one ear and out the other and I smile a lot, as to not get upset. Not worth it in my opinion.

[Codeblue009 3]

Two minor corrections. Alla is a positive model for women, not just RUB women. I agree she is an exceptional woman. Lucky me. They are our boys. Seeing it any other way will result in failure.

So far I am 2 for 4. Number 3 and 4 well on their way. Thankfully they do not have a male role model that lays around drunk and beats his wife and children.

I do not see how the above has anything to do with who a woman considers number 1, husband or children. I always assume a woman makes children number 1.

Also I do not see how a woman who is strict would lead to some sort of uberpussy man. Counter-intutitive to me. Expecting them to do their job and not accepting less than what you know they are capable of makes them "soft" ???

What do these boys see? A man that does all he can for his family and is not violent, drunk, doesn't whine about sh*t, just handles it. I have even gone through all our bills with them, how to balance their checkbooks, use their funds to their best advantage, do their own tax returns etc. In other words they KNOW that the lights do not just "turn on" when they flip the switch, that someone (that would be the adults who care for them) actually works and deposit money to an account to pay the bill. While WE provide for their needs the way adults should do for children, THEY provide for their "wants" with their own earnings and we make no apologies about it. But for socks and underwear they pay for their own clothes for the most part. We Do buy them things like coats they need for winter, but hey, you want a bunch of "cool clothes"? Get a job!

We also pay for a few other things we want them to do. We buy a season pass for the family for skiing and we pay for Pashas ski club membership at school which includes a bus ride every Friday night to the ski resort. For one thing we WANT him to have this physical activity, it is great exercise, cheap actually. Costs us less than $200 for a season lift ticket and transportation for a 4 month ski season. 50 bucks a month for a good activity to help him be strong and active? Good deal if you ask me. PLUS he gets excellent grades in school and does his job. I have no problem with rewards for doing a good job, it is how the world works. I get bonuses when I do a good job, why not them? If they slacked off and did not do well and we still did this for them, then they would be spoiled. In this case they have EARNED something. I assure you, if Pasha's grades slip he will not be going skiing. We have also paid extra (but not much) to get him in the "outdoors Adventure Program" at school, This is a special PE class that costs extra but they teach them kayaking,(the school is right on lake Champlain) rock climbing, rope climbing (ropes strung throughout the woods behind the school) mountain biking, orienteering, cross country skiing, snowshoeing, plus things like "stormboarding" riding a snowboard on the frozen lake with a parachute! It is incredible! All good activities and teaches him things he can enjoy for many years.

That is the way my parents raised me and it worked! Gary has the right of it and it is a good model for men to follow. Respect your wife, children, family and yourself and lead a positive and fostering enviroment. Mentor and educate your chidlren and support your wife. Sounds like a good marriage to me.