Waiting..... Waiting

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Of course I'd defend my wife's honor to the grave of anyone who would attack her like that.

I don't think it applies in this situation though as he has distanced himself from the offensive family members already and is making a choice to offer her up as cannon fodder.

Just look at the totality of the situation here, it almost seems like cheesing-off his family may be one of the reasons he shopped for a Filipino to marry in the first place.

This whole situation stinks really badly and I can't see why he would willingly put his wife into it.

For example: I have no relationship with several members of my family, they all know about my marriage to Anna and some of them have even made inappropriate comments about it. They are attempting to use her to get to me because they know they can't directly affect me anymore. If I allow myself to get drawn into it then I've diminished Anna by allowing them to utilize her in that way. How do I prove them wrong? By living a happy life with my wife and kids despite their opinions.

There is a big difference between someone voicing an honest concern (which I always respond to) and someone making a blatant attack on her/us. The only real motive of the latter is as I've previously stated so tell me who really wins if I engage them?

Bob....my wife and I need to run some Xmas errands. I will consider / reflect your POV and respond later, please.

BTW...Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Edited December 23, 2011 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Hank_ 9,174]

2 & 3 are only relevant in light of 1.

Honestly neither Anna or I care about the opinion of someone who disapproves of our marriage for trivial and superficial reasons.

[tmma 467]

Good advice but...

1) Darren desires to reclaim his position in the family. How he operates (within) the family (dynamics) is obviously important to him.

2) I don't think it would be easy for any husband / wife to ignore and let any1..(let alone a family member)..insult their SO or marriage. Nor do I think an insult should be ignored.

3) The insults delivered by his sister may be very important to his wife. Discrediting honor is not allowed.

1)How important was it the past 2 or so years of non communication?

2) You are right-insults to S/O should not be ignored, but re read Darren's post. He was not going to 'let her get the last word' he was going to ' remind her whom was the eldest' there was nothing said about anyone's feelings but his.

3) See (2) .

[Hank_ 9,174]

Ya I tend to agree... Darren needs to pull his head out, focus on the important stuff in life - Gretchen.

[beejay 123]

But of course you have to respond, that's the only way you get to "play the game" of dysfunction.

Why can't you just let it be, she's said her piece so move along. She'll either come around in time or not but that won't be as a result of anything you write to her.

Agreed.

Pretty sure OP wanted the response he got from his sister. He would have been disappointed if she had said anything but what she did. He wants to play this game with his family. I hope his wife is more than just a way to 'get back' at his family.

Focus on her and your new life rather than dragging her into all this BS with your family. What is the point of making her write your sister? You care more about this drama than making her comfortable and helping her adjust to her new life. "Welcome to America! here, write a bunch of emails to people who don't like you on principal (when really this is about you, not her) and who you would never actually have to deal with if I didn't make you".

As someone else said, grow up. Focus on your wife and her wants and needs right now.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Agreed.

Pretty sure OP wanted the response he got from his sister. He would have been disappointed if she had said anything but what she did. He wants to play this game with his family. I hope his wife is more than just a way to 'get back' at his family.

Focus on her and your new life rather than dragging her into all this BS with your family. What is the point of making her write your sister? You care more about this drama than making her comfortable and helping her adjust to her new life. "Welcome to America! here, write a bunch of emails to people who don't like you on principal (when really this is about you, not her) and who you would never actually have to deal with if I didn't make you".

As someone else said, grow up. Focus on your wife and her wants and needs right now.

That same thought had crossed my mind before, just didn't voice it.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Bob....my wife and I need to run some Xmas errands. I will consider / reflect your POV and respond later, please.

BTW...Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Merry Christmas right back at you and the Wife. We just finished-off our X-mas running around this morning, finally we can relax now that we've got Carlo home (he landed on the 21st) and everything set for the holiday weekend.

FWIW, it's always a good conversation when you're involved...

[gretchen_darren 67]

Actually, I WAS expecting this response from my Dad and Mom or my Brother. NOT from my sister. My sister is trying to disown me, so she can run the fmaily. (she beomces the oldest then.)

I am asserting myself much more then any of the family members are used to. I have told them I married Gretchen get over it, and yes I did not invite you to the wedding because I wanted time with Gretchen. However, you are invited to the BIG wedding in the Philippines. But Bro and sis you are on your own to get there. I will pay for hotel for you.

2) they are very upset not knowing what is going on in my life when they did not stand up for me in getting more parenting time with kids, nor do they tell what is going on in the their lives. What is good for goose is not good for the gander?

3) I cannot let this lie, She offended me highly. And really made me angry. My words here have been very very very well chosen. The words I expressed when I read "purely business transaction", do the honorable thing", find "equal partner and soulmate", "quite frankly, desire a response", "why the secrecy", "actions smack of guilt and shame without one word to any of us", "The poor girl must have had a desperate life in the Philippines for her to feel this was her only option. How much choice did she actually even have??" that last statement I saw red. Blood red. Very very very few people have ever gotten me mad enough to shake in my life. This statement from my sister made me extremely mad.

I am pointing out how much the gander is not playing by the rules being complained about. Her choice is her choice. She may choose to disown me, but I will still be there for her and her family. Gretchen is not a pawn in this game. I am highly highly PO'ed my sister or any family member would act this way. Friends who have acted this way, I simply let go. Gretchen is important to me, friends are replaceable. However, family should be there for each other. NO MATTER WHAT THE FAMILY MEMBER DOES. (guess I was raised with the Hatfield/McCoy mentality.) My sister wanted a good excuse to cut me out of her family. Well, now she feels she has it. (I got a feeling a lot of this is her husband.) However, I cannot just stand by and let her insult Gretchen.

Here is the whole email: names omitted:

Darren

I have heard your news by this time. I have known since last year that you were trying to import a mail order bride. I assume that you have accomplished it since you are now married. I wish that I could congratulate you but since this is a purely business transaction, I cannot.

1. I am continually stunned at the level of dishonor, disrespect and shame you heap onto our parents. If this is such a happy, blessed and above board relationship, why all the secrecy? Afraid we would ask questions you didn’t want to answer? Your actions smack of guilt and shame since you’ve made numerous visits and planned for her to come over without one word to any of us.

2. Why a child bride….a girl young enough to be your daughter or mine? Really quite sickens me. The poor girl must have had a desperate life in the Philippines for her to feel this was her only option. How much choice did she actually even have??

3. Do you truly believe the delusion you are attempting to live? Buying and selling ‘love and commitment’? It’s not real, Darren. I would be truly happy to see you be the honorable man I know you can be and find true happiness with an equal partner and soulmate.

4. It appears that you will live your life without any connection to your family. I choose not to pretend anymore that we are family. We do not share the same values, viewpoints or even mutual respect. I honestly don’t know who you are anymore or why you have chosen this path in life. I will continue to pray for you and that you return to serving the Lord with your whole heart

I do not anticipate, or quite frankly, even desire a response.

[gretchen_darren 67]

Also, if I do not put my foot down with my family but yet put down my foot with Gretchen's family, am I not living a double standard? Should I not act equally express to my family as I do in Gretchen's?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Also, if I do not put my foot down with my family but yet put down my foot with Gretchen's family, am I not living a double standard? Should I not act equally express to my family as I do in Gretchen's?

There is a difference between "Putting your foot Down" and "Playing the Dysfunctional Games".

You may have put your foot down with her family but you are for sure playing the dysfunctional games with your family...

[beejay 123]

Darren I can see that you want validation for your anger and your actions but I think the healthiest thing you can do is let it go. You may want to be able to rely on your family for support but you can't force people to act the way you want. To be honest I have my doubts that your sister will read anything you or Gretchen write back. Just take a deep breath and give yourself permission to let it go. Find positive and welcoming people for you and Gretchen to spend your time with. Look at this as a chance to move on from your family drama. The invite to PH for the 'big wedding' is very generous but just leave it at that. Invite them, no strings attached. If they show up great. If not, don't worry about it.

As far as creating a double standard with Gretchen's family I don't know what happened there but I know that what is going on now is not good for Gretchen. She may not realize this isn't about her and it doesn't sound like you are doing anything to make her think anything different. Let your anger go. Best case scenario what do you think will happen? That Gretchen will also learn to hate your family and think that they hate her?

I'm sorry for butting in on this thread, it's your business but I hope that you can come off the defensive and start to see how all this might be affecting Gretchen. Have you talked to her about it? Have you actually wanted to hear her thoughts rather than telling her what they should be?

[beejay 123]

I just realized you have a baby on the way. DO NOT put Gretchen through this stress. She is not that far along and this is the LAST thing she should be dealing with. Stop this BS now. Be there for your pregnant wife.

[Laser1 63]

It is best to let this cool down. You already have some family support; that is good enough. If you respond to your sister, it might cause others to choose her side. If you let it go, she might eventually come around, in her own time.

[sunandmoon 450]

Dareen, as you've described it your sisiter is going to be a hard nut to crack. you've decided to respond to your sister. be careful that it doesn't alienate other members of your family, since you've indicated they might come around. is the response just to say your peace and let it go?

I have a feeling you might let this consume you and your heading down a road you don't want to go...

[gretchen_darren 67]

Yes I have talked with Gretchen on this. right now I am sounding off here and listening and getting pnput. I may just let this go until we visit ohio. right now, all I am is mad over the

"purely business transaction", um gee. you marry for business??? WOW. I thought only the rich and the celebrities did that....

"numerous visits without one word to any of us", well, uh, people knoew, it was on facebook, VJ, and other public places. By the way, how many vacations have you taken without any word to me?

"poor desperate girl", poor? desperate? By what standard? ours?

"how much choice did she really have", umm, lots. many times, the whole process is to protect her.

"need to find an equal partner", gee, well I though I had... are you telling me to get divorced now because you do not approve? If you do not know FIlipnas are very loyal, wonderful, and extremely jealous. There is a reason for tampo and not using knives at the dinner table.

and "return to serving the Lord"... um. I thought I was, being involved in church, and helping people out in her village, as well as helping out the church over there. Is there a difference? is it because I am not serving according to YOur standards???

"child bride" -- nothing needs said on this one.... if you don't have a Filipina as a friend or spouse, you just cannot understand.

If this was a friend, they would be gone in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even bother. I guess the other part of this is my grandmother disowned my dad over a family dispute when I was a kid. I remember the dispute. This just seems to be my sister trying to shove her beliefs down my throat when we live different lives. I don't believe in right wing fundamentalist legalism like the rest of the family does. I believe in dancing, going to movies, having fun, drinking in moderation. I believe there is a time for everything and for each person to work out his or her own salvation. If God leads leads you in a way, who am I to contradict?