Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Great help and advice! Thanks to all! I'm feeling a lot less stressed. And the means test deal is a detail I had forgotten...so thanks to you guys who refreshed my memory.

Slim, I'm 64 going on 21 in "certain ways" if you know what I mean! Having a tall, long-legged, hot body walking around in skimpy outfits while vacuuming the floor helps! Better than Viagra! I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. I do think she liked our private life before her son arrived. It has put a crimp in spontaneous "activities." But I'm still not clear why so quick to push him to independence.

Gary, I hear you. I've had the biggest issues with my wife around this apartment deal. I like her son...he's a good kid so I have no issues with him living here for the meantime. I I'll give it time...I'm pretty sure he'll be back...and I'll insist he go to school if he does. That's my strategy at this point.

As to you folks suggesting I add him to my military TriCare Plan...well, yes, I think I could but it is crazy expensive...like $2,500 a year! That'd be a big hit for me. I'd be better risking out of pocket to that high of a bill.

To Neon...the military is a good idea if someone speaks English well enough to make the recruiter happy. Alexey was in the Russian Army...and I'm not sure if that's good or bad as far as recruitment is concerned? I'd suggest a military career to him if his English improves...but given how he was treated in the Russian Army...that might be a hard sell to enlist here.

Again, thanks for all the great replies!

Yeah I know what you mean The good thing with older children, and I am sure with this young man, he will be working and doing things on his own and leave you two home alone a LOT. We have little problem being spontaneous and sometimes it even gives a little thrill to the whole thing. It gets a little more difficult when BOTH boys are here in the summer but there is always the back yard or the drive in theatre!

I thought about the military also but thought maybe you had covered that idea. I will leave that one to you.

Our feelings on the matter are very strong. We want the boys to get their education and not have to worry about making a basic living while they study. That is a tough row to hoe and why do it if you do not have to? Your son just needs to concentrate on improving his English, not on how to make the rent for this month or feed himself. You and your wife will find time to screw like minks (it is one of the burdens we bear, isn't it?)

Just my two cents and I am always going to come down on the side of giving the kids the best chance we can

[Enigma11561 336]

My stepson is now returning from his home country after 4 months. While he was here before, for about 9 months, he refused to study English. I was able to get him a job, manual labor, which gave him some pocket money and help to pay for household expenses like food and his cell. He is now 22 and honestly, I don't want him in the house anymore. He is a bit lazy, expects mama to do everything and I feel he will never grow up until he is on his own. The problem is his English is virtually non existent and he only has a high school diploma from Belarus. So trying to get him anything decent job wise is going to be tough. And the Army will not take him, an option was exploring, without decent English skills. So he will be attending English classes, along with his mom, every day and I will give him some time to " get up to speed" before making any decisions about finding his own place. But... if he again starts in with he does not want to learn English again..then we need to talk about his permanent trip back home.

I raised 2 daughters who went to college and have great jobs, are on their own, about the same age as him. I know this is a bit different, but I have no expectations to supporting him for the next 2-3-4 years.

[ONA 133]

Thousands of kids come to the States for the summer and they live for 3-4 months on their own. Nobody helps them to find a place to live, find a job, pay for their bills, groceries etc. Some of them have really poor English skills too.

I don't think it will be harder to live on their own, when their parents are at least at the same country.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Thousands of kids come to the States for the summer and they live for 3-4 months on their own. Nobody helps them to find a place to live, find a job, pay for their bills, groceries etc. Some of them have really poor English skills too.

I don't think it will be harder to live on their own, when their parents are at least at the same country.

What you are saying is not wrong. Only that for a person living here with poor English skills and minimal education the future is not very bright. It is not acceptable for us for our children because it does not need to be that way.

I am not sure what you mean by "with his parents in the same country" I gess that means to help him out. Sure. We help him out. In return he goes to school and gets good grades and he can be supported by us until he finishes that. Then he can be on his own and be prepared to do well on his own.

[ONA 133]

What you are saying is not wrong. Only that for a person living here with poor English skills and minimal education the future is not very bright. It is not acceptable for us for our children because it does not need to be that way.

I am not sure what you mean by "with his parents in the same country" I gess that means to help him out. Sure. We help him out. In return he goes to school and gets good grades and he can be supported by us until he finishes that. Then he can be on his own and be prepared to do well on his own.

A lot depends on whether they WANT to get education and to improve their language skills. I read Enigma11561's post and it doesn't seem that his stepson cares. I don't think that you should support your kids for their whole life, when they don't do anything to make their it better. I might be a little too tough with it, but I just talk as a person, who did everything to get into the university for free, with full scholarship from the government, because I knew that my parents couldn't afford to pay for my education. I got my first job when I was 18, and I worked somewhere ever since (until now, which is why I'm really bored....), I was paid "under the table", I wasn't officially employed, because nobody wanted to give an official job with all the benefits to a full-time student.

My husband is just the same, nobody paid for his education, nobody helped him to get a job, but here he is: he makes more than most of people twice his age do, owns a house and he is only 25 years old.

I mean, I would do anything to make my kids' lives easier, but they should put a lot of effort in it too.

And no, I don't think that living on your own is scary, even when your language is far from being perfect. It actually helps you to grow up and become more independent. It also forces people to learn the language as soon as possible. And yes - when your parents are in the same country they can help you out sometimes.

Edited November 12, 2011 by ONA

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

A lot depends on whether they WANT to get education and to improve their language skills. I read Enigma11561's post and it doesn't seem that his stepson cares. I don't think that you should support your kids for their whole life, when they don't do anything to make their it better. I might be a little too tough with it, but I just talk as a person, who did everything to get into the university for free, with full scholarship from the government, because I knew that my parents couldn't afford to pay for my education. I got my first job when I was 18, and I worked somewhere ever since (until now, which is why I'm really bored....), I was paid "under the table", I wasn't officially employed, because nobody wanted to give an official job with all the benefits to a full-time student.

My husband is just the same, nobody paid for his education, nobody helped him to get a job, but here he is: he makes more than most of people twice his age do, owns a house and he is only 25 years old.

I mean, I would do anything to make my kids' lives easier, but they should put a lot of effort in it too.

And no, I don't think that living on your own is scary, even when your language is far from being perfect. It actually helps you to grow up and become more independent. It also forces people to learn the language as soon as possible. And yes - when your parents are in the same country they can help you out sometimes.

Not taking anything from your husband. I paid for my own education, worked and cared for a family all at the same time and did well. I bought my first house when I was 19 with no co-signer. That is why I want something easier for my kids and I can give it to them so why not? I have nothing better I can do.

It is the parents responsibility to create an atmosphere in which the children WANT to learn, that is what leadership is about and you do not become a leader not knowing how to motivate people. When they underatnd it is in their best interest and the rewards are better, then that is what they WANT to do.

Aimlessly wandering is not a plan for the future and is not acceptable in this house. You may raise your children as you choose, but if you ask my opinion (and it was asked) then that is the response.

It may not always be possible to create this in someone that did not have it before and now is an adult, then again it is not impossible, just more difficult. Fortunately both Alla and her Mother are of similar mind (probably not a small matter as to why I married Alla rather than one of the other women I met in Ukraine)

This also requires a LOT of committment and effort on the part of the adults. Not to do the learning but to make sure the learning is done.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Gary and Alla

[visaveteran1 33]

My wife's son has one other issue I was not aware of until he came over, and I think I should have be informed. He has a stuttering problem. It is not really bad, but I hear it...especially when he tries to speak English. Obviously this makes learning and speaking English harder. Frankly, as much as I believe in college as a key to success for both natives and immigrants, I am not sure if Alexey can really cut it in a classroom environment. Maybe, maybe not.

On the other hand, he made it through his year in the Russian Army and he is a hard worker. If he succeeds it will probably be through starting his own business in the building trades down the road but maybe a tech school or junior college is possible too.

I will make one distinction between Gary's situation and mine. I live in a two-bedroom condo with one bathroom, whereas Gary lives in a real house with multiple bathrooms and bedrooms and a big yard to escape to if needed. My place doesn't even have a balcony. Additionally, Alexey smokes. I don't allow it inside but he still smells of cigarettes and so does his room just from his clothes. I dislike that odor and turn on air cleaners to help clean the air. Anyway, my point is that a place my size is room for just one man in the house. I'm willing to sacrifice my space for awhile, but if this goes on too long, something will need to change. So, I'm in a paradox of wanting him to succeed and supporting him, and regaining my space and peace and quiet...not to mention my bathroom!

I'm looking at next spring as a decision point. I'll access how he's doing, if he's still got a job, what he's doing about learning English, etc. As I said, there's only room for one adult man in my home and at some point, if he's still here, a decision, perhaps difficult, will need to be made,

[visaveteran1 33]

Guess I should follow up by saying that my wife may be pushing her son into his own apartment quickly because she feels that getting him out out of my space, and off on his own quickly, may prevent a crisis within our small space and crowded life in the near future. Up to now I've been the dutiful step dad as much as I can with our language problems, and have been generous and tolerant...but I am starting to wonder how all this will feel 6 months from now, if he ends up staying here or comes back after a short while.

I've gone into day-to day-mode but I do wonder if this is going to have a happy ending for all of us or turn into a mess?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

My wife's son has one other issue I was not aware of until he came over, and I think I should have be informed. He has a stuttering problem. It is not really bad, but I hear it...especially when he tries to speak English. Obviously this makes learning and speaking English harder. Frankly, as much as I believe in college as a key to success for both natives and immigrants, I am not sure if Alexey can really cut it in a classroom environment. Maybe, maybe not.

On the other hand, he made it through his year in the Russian Army and he is a hard worker. If he succeeds it will probably be through starting his own business in the building trades down the road but maybe a tech school or junior college is possible too.

I will make one distinction between Gary's situation and mine. I live in a two-bedroom condo with one bathroom, whereas Gary lives in a real house with multiple bathrooms and bedrooms and a big yard to escape to if needed. My place doesn't even have a balcony. Additionally, Alexey smokes. I don't allow it inside but he still smells of cigarettes and so does his room just from his clothes. I dislike that odor and turn on air cleaners to help clean the air. Anyway, my point is that a place my size is room for just one man in the house. I'm willing to sacrifice my space for awhile, but if this goes on too long, something will need to change. So, I'm in a paradox of wanting him to succeed and supporting him, and regaining my space and peace and quiet...not to mention my bathroom!

I'm looking at next spring as a decision point. I'll access how he's doing, if he's still got a job, what he's doing about learning English, etc. As I said, there's only room for one adult man in my home and at some point, if he's still here, a decision, perhaps difficult, will need to be made,

OK so the apartment makes spontaneous monkey sex more difficult. I will give you that.

And it is true that not everyone is made for college or will even benefit from it. Someone who isn't is best to get on with some training in the trades for example and start making pretty good money.

And of course it is the goal for a young man to be on his own, Lordy NO I do not want them living in the basement forever!

But there should be a plan for certain goals, In Alexey's case, English courses and speech therapy if needed

Here we have "Vermont Adult Learning" and I am sure you have something similar there. They can assess his ability and develop a program for him...a plan. Follow the plan, make monkey sex when he is at school, when he finishes he should be much better able to have a good future.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Guess I should follow up by saying that my wife may be pushing her son into his own apartment quickly because she feels that getting him out out of my space, and off on his own quickly, may prevent a crisis within our small space and crowded life in the near future. Up to now I've been the dutiful step dad as much as I can with our language problems, and have been generous and tolerant...but I am starting to wonder how all this will feel 6 months from now, if he ends up staying here or comes back after a short while.

I've gone into day-to day-mode but I do wonder if this is going to have a happy ending for all of us or turn into a mess?

I hope it works out for you and your wife seems very genuine and it is not unusual for her to have these concerns about HER home also. As much as we will do for the boys, Alla or I will jerk a knot right in them if needed.

Sergey recently sent me some documents which my computer won't open because it does not have that program or something. He has the NEW computer we bought him, Alla and I have the "old" computers (like 3 years old) We were skyping and I asked him to reformat that stuff and send it again. "Why don't you get a newer computer?" he asked. OMG Alla lit right into him "WE have old computers because YOU and your brother have new ones, now stand up from your @ss and do what you need to!" He responded "da, Korosho, Momma"

We also just had a long talk with him because he recently received a full scholarship to Dartmouth for a PhD! Great news. But Alla informed him, "Look, the deal was that we handle the education until the masters degree, and I think that is enough for any parent to do and it is all the other boys have and all that Pasha is going to get...so plan on having a job and supporting yourself while at Dartmouth, you want spending money? Make it yourself. WE are not going to pay for everything forever so get used to it! We still have another one after you"

So it is perfectly logical to make a plan, follow it and then expect him to do his part after you give him a good start.

[visaveteran1 33]

I hope it works out for you and your wife seems very genuine and it is not unusual for her to have these concerns about HER home also. As much as we will do for the boys, Alla or I will jerk a knot right in them if needed.

Sergey recently sent me some documents which my computer won't open because it does not have that program or something. He has the NEW computer we bought him, Alla and I have the "old" computers (like 3 years old) We were skyping and I asked him to reformat that stuff and send it again. "Why don't you get a newer computer?" he asked. OMG Alla lit right into him "WE have old computers because YOU and your brother have new ones, now stand up from your @ss and do what you need to!" He responded "da, Korosho, Momma"

We also just had a long talk with him because he recently received a full scholarship to Dartmouth for a PhD! Great news. But Alla informed him, "Look, the deal was that we handle the education until the masters degree, and I think that is enough for any parent to do and it is all the other boys have and all that Pasha is going to get...so plan on having a job and supporting yourself while at Dartmouth, you want spending money? Make it yourself. WE are not going to pay for everything forever so get used to it! We still have another one after you"

So it is perfectly logical to make a plan, follow it and then expect him to do his part after you give him a good start.

Roger that!

[slim 1,523]

I've gone into day-to day-mode but I do wonder if this is going to have a happy ending for all of us or turn into a mess?

The main thing you can do is love his momma right. As long as you're treating her well and taking care of her, he'll know you're a good guy and no matter how your relationship is with him, he'll have to respect you as the step-dad.

It sounds like your relationship with him is fine, just somewhat complicated because two adult men in the same space is never really ideal and that's normal. Just keep supporting the mom and be there for him if needed. If he made it through the army and he's a hard worker, he'll do fine on his own. Especially when he has a good example to follow - YOU!

he recently received a full scholarship to Dartmouth for a PhD!

Way to go, Sergey!

This will bring about it's own set of challenges but you've got to figure, if he's done the work to get it, he'll do the work to see it through. Congrats to all of you!

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

I know nothing of how military benefits work so excuse me if this is a stupid question but can you add him to your policy as a dependent? Yes it will cost you more on an ongoing basis but will prevent any major cat expenses down the line.

he must be attending school for that.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The main thing you can do is love his momma right. As long as you're treating her well and taking care of her, he'll know you're a good guy and no matter how your relationship is with him, he'll have to respect you as the step-dad.

Very good advice!

I think one of the best motivations for young people is to see that their parents will never do anything or advise anything that would hurt them or each other. If they see the parents as always the "go to guys" so to speak, they are going to listen to you when you advise them on life. It really is not important if YOU are rich and famous, you can be poor ad destitute and have learned from your mistakes..."Don't do like I did, kid!"

But it has to be burned in their heads that "mom and dad are always for me" Showing him that you are for her also is part of that.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Way to go, Sergey!

This will bring about it's own set of challenges but you've got to figure, if he's done the work to get it, he'll do the work to see it through. Congrats to all of you!

He is scary smart. The letters of recommendation that his professors and department heads at MIPT wrote for him were incredible. I read them and my reaction is only He has already done some pretty impressive research in stuff I will never understand. Alla is happy he will be closer to home (about 2 hours drive) though I warned her that we can expect him to come home every weekend with his dirty clothes and to leave with all our food! It is a cruel joke we are playing on the Russkies to try and feed that kid. He eats enough to retaliate for centuries of Russian oppression on Ukrainians.

His girlfriend seems happy to cool her heels in Russia while he gets his PhD., so far, so good. I think she is more clever than Alla gives her credit for.