Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[momof1 205]

HELPS me a lot. Not that I am seeking validation or affirmation. Perhaps, more of a "self-check" to assure I am NOT crazy for thinking THIS is normal for every relationship.

Hope this make sense?

]

I don't know if I'm misunderstanding, but this is not normal for a healthy relationship.

[In a tizzy 7]

Im very sorry to hear that.

my advice after all this, is RUN, RUn and RUN far ...very far.

Email the embassy as the people adviced u, stop the process, call the embassy.

Im algerian, and i only can give you the best advice on Algerians.

I feel very sorry for you that its happening to you, but i feel if this is happening now its better than later when he will be in the Us, and u will be responsible for him for 10 years.

Im algerian woman, and im very surprised that ure finace didnt show his real algerian caracter earlier than now.Not all algerians are like that,but some are and you got unlucky to pick up this one.

Usually the algerians that are like that, uses women to have a visa and travel, and try to control the foreign woman, if she agrees in everything(like to convert, to wear hidjab, to stop all relation with male and woman friends that are not muslim...stop eating porc ,or drinking..going out alone, shopping alone...)...they will stay married..but in most cases, foreign woman dont accept and feel in prisn after few months or years..and ask for divorce, from that the man will ebhappy to divorce and have a new girlfriend(usually they already planned to marry an algerian (the moms will be happy to find a girl from same town or family to marry to..)

my question to you: is how did you feel about him, his family when u were in Algeria? u came to algeria yes? did he ever asked you to change something before: like religion, drinking...teh way you dress up??friends??what does he do in life?did he studied ?

please dont get me wrong, but im just trying to figure out how this person is, from wich area he is...you know algeria is very big and it contain a lots of different people....!!!

unfortunatly,there are many like the new salafist, that talks about religion all time,there wifes wears burka and they have a beard and wear strange clothes (im not judging them..but this is not our clothes and culture they brought that from pakistan..and excttt countries).

i feel very a shamed to hear that he is treating you that way. please think twice, but i will recomand you to broke up with him and run away, he doesnt deserve you, and believe me youre life is going be a night marre if he gets to the US.

if you need any help just send me an email here on VJ.i will be happy to talk to u and share my thoughts on this situation.

Salafist! It's a new word I've learned today. I'm thinking it's a school of thought, called Madh'hab.

I thank you for pointing that singular word out. Salafi beliefs do not sit well with me. I am for unity, humanity, peace, and sustainability. (Which is why I am an agriculture/horticulture teacher for the Deaf students).

You ask, how do I feel for my man? Lots of love, no doubt, no 2nd thoughts, especially in terms of respect and reverence. My man, he lives 4 hours south of Algiers, born and raised on the edge of Sahara desert.

BUT, I do draw the line somewhere.

I only have 2nd thoughts about things I am UNABLE to change, i.e. "LOOKING DOWN" when in presence of men and holding a stiff lip.

Thank you for your support. Let's inbox.

E

[In a tizzy 7]

]

I don't know if I'm misunderstanding, but this is not normal for a healthy relationship.

Definitely NOT normal for me... I've done some thinking and have come to conclusion that it's all about "control" which means depriving my only sensory process of communicating with others.

In-humane.

E

[In a tizzy 7]

I'm beginning to think this isn't even a real situation. But if it is..

You're doing a huge disservice to everyone involved, most of all yourself, if you leave it up to a

government worker as to whether or not you marry this guy.

It's not their decision who you marry, and it sounds really sad that you've leave your future in the hands

of a government worker who will talk to your fiance for a few hours at the most.

The irony of all this is that the majority of the people who go through this process lament the fact that

a government worker has such control over the direction their lives go in (i.e. - approving, denying, AP decisions,

etc, etc). Yet, you're freely going to put your future into their decision. That sounds totally bonkers to me,

and it's making me think the situation isn't a real one; it's that unbelievable!!

If it is real, take religion, culture, country of origin, etc, etc, etc, out of the equation.

If you met some guy here in the US and he told you not to smile, not to go camping, etc, etc, etc

would you ask a government worker to decide for you?????

Here it is. I've taken the time to blur his name. Usually, I am NOT the kind of person to divulge... but, this is SERIOUS and you can see for yourself THAT THIS IS REAL!

While he was explaining to me about his medical exam, for some reason, my eyes wandered off and I started to smile for no good reason except pleasant dreams and sweet memories.

I looked back on the cam and saw that my fiance's demure had changed in a nano-second. Honestly, this is NOT the first time he has admonished me for smiling, however, the first time for smiling in my own home. INSANE, right?

A good VJ'er inboxed me and explained to me that in Mohammed's hadith, even the smile is considered as an act of charity, therefore one of the 5 pillars of Islam. YOU VJers ROCK! The best ever.

E

[Golden Gate 530]

E

Wow. My fiance becomes happy when I smile. What did you say about his culture, that you will 'pay for'? I can understand if you were there, and in his culture, you shouldn't smile on the street, because it is the norm there, but really, you won't be happy if you have to catch yourself all the time.

[Golden Gate 530]

My ex had controlling tendencies. He would yell at me if I pointed, even if I was pointing to the direction we needed to go when we were in the car. At first, some of the things he did would just make me laugh, because they seemed so absurd to me. Eventually, however, they started to grate and grate on me. It makes a person start to be paranoid. You don't want to internalize what he is saying to you, because it will destroy you. And you are a gift to God all by yourself!!

[sara..... 371]

i am Muslim.....some of what he says about not looking at men is taught to us.....but just reading what you have written my advise to you is to just run and don't look back...... he is not taking into consideration that you were not raised in the same culture as he was....i don't know if your Muslim or not but if your not there is no way that you would be able live the life he is demanding......for that matter most Muslim in the USA would not be able to either and that includes me.......

if you want to try to salvage the relationship have a long honest talk with him about what your willing to put up with and what your not willing to put up with.....seems he needs to do some adjusting himself if he wants to keep you......

just my opinion

sara

[JINNY 2]

While he was explaining to me about his medical exam, for some reason, my eyes wandered off and I started to smile for no good reason except pleasant dreams and sweet memories.

I looked back on the cam and saw that my fiance's demure had changed in a nano-second. Honestly, this is NOT the first time he has admonished me for smiling, however, the first time for smiling in my own home. INSANE, right?

A good VJ'er inboxed me and explained to me that in Mohammed's hadith, even the smile is considered as an act of charity, therefore one of the 5 pillars of Islam. YOU VJers ROCK! The best ever.

E

I agree with you that smiling in your own home while talking to him isn't a problem. I'm assuming that in this conversation he is attempting to express how serious he is about smiling at other men and looking to them. It's not really about you as much as it is about him. In this case you say to him that you only have eyes for him. This reassures and soothes him that you are loving him and caring for him only and he need not be worried about you and other men. They like us to be looking at them when they are talking to us. To them it means you are engaged and listening to them and caring about what they think. When the person they love looks away from them while they are talking to them to them is it a sign of disrespect. The may think you are losing interest in them or the conversation with them and it does seem to change their mood dramatically in a negative way. While to us it is different. We are the multi-taskers and can listen to them while doing other things. You'll have to explain more than once to him that you are not attempting to offend him. That you can listen to them while doing other things. Except in this case you do you communication in other ways but in this form you could read what he was writing and look away and come back to it. By you looking away and smiling he may interpret it differently than you do and it may be you're communicating you mind is elsewhere and this probably bruised his ego. Be careful when you scratch a MENA mans ego you may see the beast come out.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

If his interview gets approved (and I really hope for your sake it dont) and he comes to the USA... I am saying now that he will NOT change, life will be like hell & you will wish you went with your gut & cut the cord loose, listened to many of us on VJ thats been here for several years, who have seen MANY fraud or many ruined lives. Even if you gave up SO much for him in clothing style, in not doing this or that like not-(smiling, picking up relatives,hiking), not eating this or that, ... you will be miserable & you will never make a person like him happy. Its not possible. I've never told a person that I didnt know the famous "I told you so" cliche... but remember that if he comes over here. You will be miserable.

[Dream'nJordan 9]

I am absorbing EVERY word you're saying. I have a question for you, Dream'nJordan. Was his family SO VERY benevolent towards you in the beginning.... (sort of to the point of pulling wool over your eyes)?

His family is EVER so loving towards me. Now... I am developing a hind-sight about this whole "loving" thing.

Yours, E

His family was amazing to me all 3 times that I was there. But soon came to see and was told by some of his family and friends after I sent him back to Jordan, that they were happy to get rid of him because they were tired of supporting him. When I asked why they didnt warn me or tell me I got this response: 1. their loyalty was with him not me, and 2. they were tired of dealing with and supporting him,. Sad, sad, people. Think of it this way... do they really love you....or is it that they love you for taking him out of the country so they dont have to deal with him?

Know that I will respect the decision that you make, but I am praying for you, your safety, and sanity. Had it not been for my faith and my best friend....I would have lost my mind and ended up in jail after what he put me through.I am praying this doesnt happen to you.

[In a tizzy 7]

Wow. My fiance becomes happy when I smile. What did you say about his culture, that you will 'pay for'? I can understand if you were there, and in his culture, you shouldn't smile on the street, because it is the norm there, but really, you won't be happy if you have to catch yourself all the time.

In response to Golden Gate:

Well about his culture.... after arguing about my eyes and my authentic smiles, that it was a part of HIS culture not ISLAM, and pretty much is so STUPID after all, especially not accepting my "Deaf Culture" and making adjustments. That is when he went livid and feces hit the fan... Lucky, being forearmed with information, I stuck to my ground. I don't fight well, but I do pull out my best defense mechanism, which is being SO stubborn, resilient, and sticking to a "COMMON" ground.

Edited October 29, 2011 by In a tizzy

[Golden Gate 530]

I guess what disturbs me is this: all this is coming out at the last minute. You have known each other for some time, yet only now are these things being discussed.

I watched your videos and I see a very competent person with a tremendous ability to communicate - I liked the video where you are in Peru - and I am thinking, what a shame it would be for someone to curb your tremendous spirit for their own selfish reasons. Does he see and respect what a wonderful spirit you have?

[In a tizzy 7]

Update:

I butted heads with him tonight ALL THE WAY from beginning to the end for 2 hours. SERIOUSLY, nails, tooth, my wolverine claws, and my brains. "Sticking to my guns and all"... He relented at the end and said, "Emily, can't you just say 'I won't smile at men?'" REALLY!? I said what kind of smile are we talking about. This has gotten to the point where it's becoming RIDICULOUS. He finally said, "Let's change topic."

Truly, my confidence, resolve, and inner strength has become only stronger after reading all of your supportive VJ input. Nor did I falter and became a wimpering little kid.

I told him tonight, "ADAPT, or move on" , "ACCEPT me, or say good bye" , "Love me or Leave me be" His face changed when I challenged him being a Salafist Jihadist, an extremist, and all. He was pretty shocked I found the meaning of this word. (THANKS Moonlight ). To have knowledge is to be forearmed! He lambasted me for "not knowing" enough about the salafist's roles. SO, I lambasted BACK at him for not knowing the full reason for "smiling."

I told him I have adjusted enough and made a point that even the BEST people acting PIOUS can have evil and impure intentions, while so called country bumpkins (like me) knowing nothing about rules/laws/expectations can have the BEST interest at heart.... Allah/God will look at BOTH sides and not just based on "appearances."

He was .... dumbfounded more like it.

We have one more night, ROUND 2 and I am prepared for a LONG bumpy ride. I'm armed with information, your guidances, and etc.

Again I thank you all SO much for your support. More to come... ROUND 2 tomorrow at 3pm....

[In a tizzy 7]

I guess what disturbs me is this: all this is coming out at the last minute. You have known each other for some time, yet only now are these things being discussed.

I watched your videos and I see a very competent person with a tremendous ability to communicate - I liked the video where you are in Peru - and I am thinking, what a shame it would be for someone to curb your tremendous spirit for their own selfish reasons. Does he see and respect what a wonderful spirit you have?

Yes, I travel all around the world working with Deaf communities, educating the hearing people about how to work with them and etc. I do charity work to help parents fight the educational system, how to be better advocates for their deaf babies.

Well, he was ashamed that a blind/deaf man was holding my hands (it's called tactile communications). Forbidden he says, I disregard it and considered it as an act of charity.

Working with Deaf/ blind children/adults has been my passion, especially improving the plight of their current situation. Call me Joan of Arc for these folks. I will lay my life for them. As for my man seeing that spirit in me... all he knows is that he will not quash the flame of compassion I have for the less fortunates.

At this moment on, only time will tell, this will be dealt with in God's plan.

Blessings!

[In a tizzy 7]

His family was amazing to me all 3 times that I was there. But soon came to see and was told by some of his family and friends after I sent him back to Jordan, that they were happy to get rid of him because they were tired of supporting him. When I asked why they didnt warn me or tell me I got this response: 1. their loyalty was with him not me, and 2. they were tired of dealing with and supporting him,. Sad, sad, people. Think of it this way... do they really love you....or is it that they love you for taking him out of the country so they dont have to deal with him?

Know that I will respect the decision that you make, but I am praying for you, your safety, and sanity. Had it not been for my faith and my best friend....I would have lost my mind and ended up in jail after what he put me through.I am praying this doesnt happen to you.

Gee wow! Your hindsight is AWESOME! I would have never seen it that way. Now that's gotten me thinking.... God bless his family for putting him up for SO long. I absolutely love reading this again and again. I'm gonna take this with a grain of salt and ruminate on these issues tonight.