help with mama

[Mhayonaise 14]

I'm wishing them all the best and peace of mind. It's not yet late to make things right

[brownskinned 5]

ok, I know some parts of what I have said are objectionable to some. I hope people understand I do not "own" or "control" Gretchen except in sense which helps her to "feel" as such in her culture. Please note the phrase I posted means more in their culture, plus establishes me as the "role" in the family for me and Gretchen. I am having to walk a very hard line between being respectful, and dealing with other issues. AS for the people at the wedding. These are the "family" they introduced me to. Stating in the beginning these people were "family". Arrangements to have them at the wedding was made a long time ago just after Gretchen and I were engaged in order to provide witnesses for the finalizing of the k-1 visa to AOS. This was before the moeny I started sending to support Gretchen each month. There was a major falling out between families after my second visit. Not sure what it was, but believe it was related to support I was sending Gretchen. Seeing what I saw my last visit. I think it was the purchasing of furniture and other items for the house in June without telling me. Just taking the money and abusing what I was sending. the "family" who they introduced me to tried to warn the mother-in-law, but mama-in-law chose to ignore them. I am not sure the whole story yet. But I am digging very very deeply now before the wedding.

this is the part I am trying to deal with the demands for money from Kanos. I learned about the "what goes in, goes out". Having been working with Gretchen on it. However, the hard part is her turning over money to her parents, thinking I just had more money to give or for to support both me and Gretchen. I am trying not to offend people on here. Nor am I trying to offend her parents. However, I know I have to start setting some ground rules on money or I will go nuts trying to make everyone happy. then when I am broke no one will understand why in the heck we cannot send any money.

I mean things started getting out of hand on the second week being there in the village. Money to get home and for food. Money for a farewell party. Money to travel back and forth from village. Money to rent a jeepney. Money for class party. Money for a church seminar. No load on phone, No load in internet smart card. The phone you bought me went to my brother. I bought this phone with money you sent me, it now is going to my mother. Mother got electric to the house in her name. Some of the clothes I took for Gretchen ended up going to other aunts and cousins in the family. It was getting tiring for me. Also, please understand I have sent 160,000php since meeting Gretchen. the money was to support Gretchen. Internet per month was only 1200 php (200php unlimited internet for 5 days, I found this out as leaving.) With the money I sent, they could have bought a boat had they saved each month. But the money was spent on other items without thought to when Gretchen was leaving. Now Gretchen is seeing the living here. Wondering why no furniture yet. buying groceries. Spending time with the kids. My work. Gretchen is happy. But I feel so bad because of how much the trip bit into finances for home here. the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked.

I am not trying to control. But I went on a limited budget, with some allowances for overages. But the problem is the expectations. Somehow there is this thinking the money came in, just spend it. then when she runs out for load, he will send more. No thought as to how it made me feel when I found out what had been going on. You can say all you want about culture, this, that, robbing the cradle. But I feel so much like a schmuck over all the money sent.

She spend too much because you send too much?...

I believe you're hurt because the money you sent for Gretchen went to her family.. You want that it should only be Gretchen making use of it which I think is hard on her part... She has the money, her mom doesn't, so she shared. I totally understand her. It's her ma, her fam!

You need to start controlling the money you send to her. You are at fault too because you said you were budgeting but you kept spending. You made an impression when you were there that you are rich. So, just send enough so it wont hurt that much if she shares it to her fam. Maybe you need to talk to Gretchen about this too. Tell her you don't have enough, you're not rich and that maybe when she gets here and gets a job here, she could give some or all of her pay to her parents (Do understand that it's the only thing she can do to her family when shes so far away. It makes her happy when they're happy, so you might wanna consider).

[rlogan 2,036]

Jeez.

160,000 php is about $3700 US dollars. Plus you traveled to the Philippines three times in nine months. What did that cost in dollars? Ten grand?

What the hell did you think her family would think!

You set yourself up for this.

I think ten grand for everything is order-of-magnitude correct, maybe half a million pesos or something. Travel for the family to Manila was in there too. I can't fault shutting the money spigot off immediately. I didn't know the boat deal had been reneged on, though - you have to render agreed payment. Or else they take her breasts back or something.

A Deal's a Deal.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

I had this song in my head all damn day.

Asawa ko, stop singing that song. It's been two days now!

[mike42979 57]

Thats just sad 19 and 44 i see 2 things here, poor Filipina looking for a way out and rich American buying a young slave.

[Dan and Judy 614]

Thats just sad 19 and 44 i see 2 things here, poor Filipina looking for a way out and rich American buying a young slave.

If she was able to ask your advice ahead of time.

Would you advise her to wait in the village until a young man who wanted a 50/50 marriage. and could afford to support her came along?

[Tahoma 2,291]

If she was able to ask your advice ahead of time.

Would you advise her to wait in the village until a young man who wanted a 50/50 marriage. and could afford to support her came along?

Hmmm...settle for Darren or wait for someone else who may never show up.

Isn't that what rlogan calls the "double bind"?

[sunandmoon 450]

we may feel that he made some mistakes with his interpretations of the Philippine culture and made some unwise decisions on financial issues, but it's unfair to make unnecessay comments as to why they entered into their relationship.

[Markieboy 104]

Hmmm...settle for Darren or wait for someone else who may never show up.

Decisions, decisions, decisions...that's a tough one.

it's unfair to make unnecessay comments as to why they entered into their relationship.

They entered into a relationship because of true love, of course!

[Tahoma 2,291]

we may feel that he made some mistakes with his interpretations of the Philippine culture and made some unwise decisions on financial issues, but it's unfair to make unnecessay comments as to why they entered into their relationship.

I agree...let's stick to the necessary comments as to why they entered into their relationship.

They entered into a relationship because of true love, of course!

Of course they did.

[mike42979 57]

If she was able to ask your advice ahead of time.

Would you advise her to wait in the village until a young man who wanted a 50/50 marriage. and could afford to support her came along?

I would advise to wait for true love, shes 19 there's no rush she doesnt have to live in that village she can move to the city or anywhere theres only so poor that you can be might as well be poor in a better place and happy in love than well off in a nicer place and miserable.

Edited September 26, 2011 by mike42979

[Dan and Judy 614]

Isn't that what rlogan calls the "double bind"?

I think that was a private thing between him and the equipment manager

[Darnell 8,478]

Hey Darren. MIL and Money gonna be a big issue - she's lost control of her daughter, so she's lost control of that money stream.

Can't give you DIRECT POINTED ADVICE about the MIL, but ya know what? this is a common theme - there are other threads in PI forum these last 18 months, with the same problem. A few of them had actual, real-world solutions - there's an Army fella that got it all sorted - I hope you can find his thread in the PI forum, soonish - it went all over the place (with the respondents) but in the end, Mama Got Cut Off Cleanly, and was still happy as she learned the 'new process for putting in a money request'.

Good Luck !

[gretchen_darren 67]

man, I haven't posted on the thread for a while, jsut letting it take its toll on [people winding out. Sheesh. I love mahal ko. I am happy she spent money on her family and took care of them versus spending money on herself. It shows me how important family is to her. If she cares about her parents and family that much, how much more will she care about our family we have together?

the problem is the lack of forethought. the spending without saving. Being ready for a "rainy day". there is a typhoon right now in northern Philippines. I feel sad for everyone it is affecting.

It is also affecting the village. they cannot fish. I do not have money to send them. I just got back and have to catch up again. MIL went out and spent money on paint instead of saving the money. Now the family is hurting for food, plus learning, I just cannot send money right now. No matter how much I want to, there are bills and responsibilities here now with Gretchen. (MIL had money to make it through rough times until I recovered here and MIL spent it on paint. I can't fix the "little red wagon" when I have to wait on the parts to fix "the wagon" myself.) I even told FIL it will be a few weeks before I can send money and then only 4300php a month. (it cost me including work loss a total of 740,000php for the trip) the problem is they are not and were not considering the expenses here. that money I sent to Gretchen had to be coming from somewhere. there was no thought to the fact the money might be the same amount I would spend to take care of her here in the US per month. I am now in the learning curve. MIL, and the family in the village is learning. If you take form the pocket, you are affecting something else. This time the money you took from the pocket affected their daughter in the US when we got back. I tried to explain to Gretchen how tight the budget was. The first week it worked. The second week, it did not work. I hate putting my foot down right now. But there is no better time to learn. Get through the rough weeks now versus not learning and having to repeat again down the road. Next time, Gretchen will be saying "no" much more often when she knows how it affects things back home.

[rlogan 2,036]

Good luck. Well-meaning people wish you well. We do. Some hope for the crash and burn.

Who knows what life will bring.