help with mama

[BJZags 17]

Lols my family and friends asks me for a farewell party

Maybe the parties are one of the 'cultural' or even 'tribal'(whatever that meant) things that are different between the US and the PHL. In the PHL, they love their parties, whether for a wedding, anniversary, or because its a Tuesday.

[GLJ1322 5]

Maybe the parties are one of the 'cultural' or even 'tribal'(whatever that meant) things that are different between the US and the PHL. In the PHL, they love their parties, whether for a wedding, anniversary, or because its a Tuesday.

True I guess, and pinoy mostly call it despidida party "farewell party" nah, I'm not fond of party much coz afterwards here comes cleaning session and it's lots of work to do.

[Matt & Bing 56]

Hey guys...pass the pipe...I'll take a hit too...as long as it's not what Tim/Mav is smoking.

LOL!! +1

[sunandmoon 450]

Please note, I am dealing with a tribal customs not todays mentality in most of the world. Everything Americans believe or hold true go out the door in this area. they are not barbaric, however, there are certain customs of a tribal nature which hold true. I am dealing with mentality of a "Kano" in their minds, plus the customs and traditions they hold to. What I am not posting is much more shocking then what I am posting. What I am learning and the translations would send most Americans into fits, tantrums, and human rights activists screaming.

This is a tribal custom. A right of passage into marriage for a girl. It is the changing of being a child into being a responsible adult. I am having to research the old tribal customs of the philippines to even understand these things myself. I am involved in many tribal customs having to be performed. I just wish I knew how to explain it. It is more closely related to native american customs then anything else I can find. But even then the customs as still different.

Dareen, maybe it's time to drop the book and face reality. more research isn't going to help you with the situation you created with the family in the Philippines. as far as the money you have spent up to this point, as the saying goes, don't cry over spilt milk. you need to work together with Gretchen to manage the financial expectations of the family in the Philippines.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others.

Soooo.. ...mmmmm...how's that workin for ya?

(I really want to provide some "input" but My wife and I are on an extended vacation and I don't have time (right now) to do you justice. I will try to post something later....in the meantime...)

After reading your posts and member responses I think I have something that kinda fits this thread....

...The Blues Brothers..Rawhide! (please watch the vid...hope you enjoy and get the gist )

Edited September 21, 2011 by Crashed~N2~Me

[rlogan 2,036]

you would not be able to manipulate someone who is mature and educated.

Ouch.

You know, Gretchen could step up to the plate. She can't let either side use her as a tool. It's all about honest and open communication.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Wow, Darren's gettin hammered for being the most brazen chauvinist here. While he certainly brings a lot on himself, he's more like the kid in the neighborhood who wants to be in the gang more than the gang members themselves, and is willing to do the craziest of things to get in. I say welcome to the gang, Darren. You're keeping things real here.

My only advice to you, Darren, is help Gretchen meet Filipinos in your area. I honestly think that's the only thing that will give your marriage a fighting chance to survive. Do it right away. Take her to Mass, take her to an asian market, go to the local hospital - any place where you are likely to run into other Filipinos in your area.

Edited September 21, 2011 by DFH

[rheanick 42]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others. How to deal with mama in law? told her and the family: "akin sya ngyon" (she is mine now. Gretchen is extremely happy I said this. It seems to have really improved our relationship. i told Gretchen "your parents no longer control you. I do. We are not married yet in vows, but you live with me here. In my heart, we are already married.")

I really truly very very very very much respect the parents of mahal ko.

mama is holding a grudge against others from the village here in the USA because they are not helping out the village. mama does not want her daughter associating with them. mama does not understand if mama cuts off her daughter from them, her daughter may not succeed in adjustment to USA. She does not seem to understand USA too much. the others helped out their family. They could barely afford to do that and right now have lost much. mama seems to want to really "run the village since she is president of the chapel". I told the brother I am trying to be nice. mama does not want to make me upset. (I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA. the same people mama does not want Gretchen seeing will confirm the marriage and help Gretchen to stay here. mama is messing with Gretchen's future and in turn mama's own future.)

(But when I hear mama trying to influence things on her daughter, who no longer lives at home, she had better start thinking who wears the pants and who wears the dresses. Also mama needs to start thinking of the "gravy train". I am focusing on here now with Gretchen. I have told papa very little money will be coming until I recover financially from the trip. Gretchen and I went shopping here tonight. Gretchen noticed the cost of food and items was much, much higher than back home. Plus, we have to go Sept 8 through Sept 29 with no paychecks. What we spent while I was there in the philippines is now affecting us here. Gretchen is learning the budget was there for a reason. the next 2 or 3 weeks will be tough, but better to teach now than later. Friends have offered to help out, but i have told them, "thanks, but helping out does not re-enforce the budget or how her parents home affects her new home. How she lives here is directly affected by the money which was spent over there.")

Also, I am going to be really putting down my foot. Seems mama was out buying paint today. I just saw things while I was there. I believe and not yet confirmed the 6,000php I gave to Gretchen in Manila went directly to mama with or without papa knowing. Mama getting her hair done right after we landed, eating lunch at the mall makes me believe that. papa may not have known since he asked me for money to go home and food. Or maybe they told Gretchen not to tell me. (they bought a new purse for Gretchen and underwear (Gretchen told them but not me which upset me) as well which makes me believe they had the 6,000 php) Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing. I have told Gretchen to tell me her needs and wants. Gretchen did not yet see herself as belonging to me while we were there. I hope I have finally cleared this up.

I have told the oldest brother, mama would do well and may fare better in the long run by listening to the daughter of the mom who I am friends with here. I have talked with Gretchen about this too in much length today. (I will post more on this discussion later.) Gretchen now understands fully where I am coming from.

Darren,

You are experiencing the common activities of the people in the barrio.

With you flaunting your money and Gretchen's family announcing to the whole barrio that she landed a "big fish" or commonly term as "kano" you are IN for more money asking activities covering different type of emergencies in the near future. I put big fish under quotation coz no matter how poor or rich you are here in the US, the people from the barrio would always think of you as rich american.

How you handle your marriage life and Gretchen's family are none of my business. Just do whatever you and Gretchen think are proper to make your marriage work.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

How to deal with mama in law?

I really truly very very very very much respect the parents of mahal ko.

I think you are confused. I think you are fond of your (new) parents but based on your post...I'm not sure you have much respect for them...yet.

mama is holding a grudge

Are you responsible for mama's grudges? Do you desire to decide who mama may or may not hold grudges against?

mama does not want her daughter associating with them.

What does asawa mo want?

mama does not understand if mama cuts off her daughter from them, her daughter may not succeed in adjustment to USA.

What are you selling? and Why?

She does not seem to understand USA too much.

Irrelevant. Please do not use this to justify your (end justifies the means) strategy.

mama seems to want to really "run the village since she is president of the chapel".

Does this bother you?

I told the brother I am trying to be nice.

1) Why are you talking about mama to the brother? Divide and conquer?

2) Shouldn't you be nice? Was that a thinly veiled threat?

to be continued....

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

mama does not want to make me upset.

Your point?

(I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA. the same people mama does not want Gretchen seeing will confirm the marriage and help Gretchen to stay here. mama is messing with Gretchen's future and in turn mama's own future.)

I call BS!

(But when I hear mama trying to influence things on her daughter, who no longer lives at home, she had better start thinking who wears the pants and who wears the dresses. Also mama needs to start thinking of the "gravy train".

"she had better"?! Pants and dresses?! "gravy train"?! You call that respect?!

Out of the mouth comes the heart.

Mama should give you a woodshed spanking. That's a 3 bonker. :bonk:

I have told papa very little money will be coming until I recover financially from the trip.

You are gonna stiff dad on the boat deal? No boat for dad?

I am focusing on here now with Gretchen.

Seems to me you are focused on dominating mama and making yourself the family bull.

How she lives here is directly affected by the money which was spent over there.

Cry a river. You spent the money and now you make asawa mo responsible for it. You leverage asawa mo with it.

(Salt-n-Peppa) Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty good man.

Also, I am going to be really putting down my foot.

Why do you think you are in a position needing a "foot down"? How did you get to that point? Think it through before you blame / punish others for your inability to control (them) and for your desire to control (them).

I have told the oldest brother, mama would do well and may fare better in the long run by listening to the daughter of the mom who I am friends with here.

I can see..you surely do respect mama.

[buboyNsasha 4]

Your posts are getting weirder and weirder. Do you expect anyone to believe that pile of jebs?

Do you even realize that Markieboy is Filipino? Sheesh...

I'm going to enjoy reading the responses from the rest of the tribe!!!

By the way, I find it strange that you would whine about how your inlaws are pissing away money, then go on to describe how you didn't stick to your own budget.

It must be h*ll when a control freak loses control.

Gretchen...we will pray for you!

OK tribe...Magdasal na tayo.......

super LOL!!as in LMFAO!!!!

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

How she lives here is directly affected by the money which was spent over there.

Cry a river. You spent the money and now you make asawa mo responsible for it. You leverage asawa mo with it.

(Salt-n-Peppa) Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty good man.

Also, I am going to be really putting down my foot.

Why do you think you are in a position needing a "foot down"? How did you get to that point? Think it through before you blame / punish others for your inability to control (them) and for your desire to control (them).

I have told the oldest brother, mama would do well and may fare better in the long run by listening to the daughter of the mom who I am friends with here.

I can see..you surely do respect mama.

[Anginafrica 12]

I think ya'll scared Darren off! Well, sometimes the truth hurts.

I agree with nearly everything that's been said thus far and hope he takes it to heart.

Edited September 22, 2011 by Anginafrica

[Tahoma 2,292]

Hi Gretchen...

What is the name of your tribe? I would like to help Darren research the tribal customs of your tribe because, as we all know, they are the cause of all of his problems. Also, there are many knowledgeable Filipinos here on VJ who would be willing to help with this very important research.

By the way, why doesn't Darren simply ask you about your tribe's customs?

[sunandmoon 450]

I think ya'll scared Darren off! Well, sometimes the truth hurts.

I agree with nearly everything that's been said thus far and hope he takes it to heart.

nah, don't think so. he's just too busy researching...