help with mama

[Tim/Mav 305]

Darren, you voluntarely paid all the money to impress her family so you could gain a 19 year old in your possesion. You have'nt had her here one week and turned into a Control Addict. Your not even married yet but now you have her here and laying down your rules.

You have Issues. Are you going to hide her in the closet and only take her out of it when you decide. She is a young child (Adult) and will learn what you were and what your turned into. How are you going to act when she adjusts and meets other Pinays and they look at her situation with you and your behavior. Your butt is cooked. She will get smart.

You taken a young woman from her Villidge and promised the world and in less than a week destroyed all that but she don't see it yet. Oh, she will see eventually. And you are stuck. Modify your behavior.

You taken advantage of this young ladies life. You brought her to the States and now wish to be treated like a King from a 19 year old.

She is going to notice other men/husbands wifes. She is trapped. And she will get out of that trap eventually.

You talk about money in all your replys. No trust and even doubts. Well, you did it.

You would be a fool to not realize Sucker! Blood is thicker than water and your blood is running thin and crystal clear.

I just hope after the fake presentation you showed over there did not shame the family.

They trusted you. Now your complaining. Never heard of Marrigde Counsil before being married. YOU HAVE ISSUES Darren. Your behavior will intensify because Grethchen is pretty and men will look. She is going to be your wife and not a barbie doll to hide in the closet and pull out when you want to play with it.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Also, please understand I have sent 160,000php since meeting Gretchen. the money was to support Gretchen. With the money I sent, they could have bought a boat had they saved each month. But the money was spent on other items without thought to when Gretchen was leaving. Now Gretchen is seeing the living here. Wondering why no furniture yet. buying groceries. My work. Gretchen is happy. But I feel so bad because of how much the trip bit into finances for home here. the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked.

But I went on a limited budget, with some allowances for overages.

Darren, I haven't said much yet, but have read all of your threads this past month. As some have said, I think you have a serious lack of ability to express yourself as you mean to. At least, I HOPE that's what it is that's leading to all your woes.

But about the money... it's wonderful that you sent it. And I know full well money doesn't grow on trees. But you sent it. It's gone. The moment it left your bank, it was NO LONGER YOURS, and unless you sent a certain amount of money, with instructions on how to spend it, it's none of your business how it got spent. And since you brought it up first... if you didn't have the money just laying around to throw at the trip, then you could have saved LOT by staying in the US and working. Not only would you have completely eliminated all the SLEC and USEM drama, you would have saved all the costs of YOUR travel, plus you would have a paycheck this week. Not the smartest decision you could have made, considering your dire financial status now.

And another thing... why even mention the PHP160,000 that you have sent? Do you think it matters to anyone here? That is personal business, and you should know better than publish it publicly. And FWIW, considering the amount of time you were sending it, it really isn't all that much. More than they had before, and I am sure it was appreciated by Gretchen's family, but not an amount worthy of bragging about (or complaining about, depending on your point of view) on VJ. If you have it to send, and won't miss it, by all means, share away. But quit trying to make it sound like you are some sort of champ because you did. Most on here do. And even if they send less in total than you, I am sure it is a significant part of ALL their budgets, trying to help out another family halfway around the world.

I understand where you are coming from, saying Gretchen "is yours". While it is a foreign concept to many of us, my Asawa has told me that is how she feels about our relationship... she is "giving herself" to me; she "is mine". But bear in mind that it means more about fidelity, love, honor, and commitment than it does anything physical. As long as the respect, love, & fidelity are given back equally, you will be alright, in spite of how it may sound to some on here. I'm sure if I don't treat her as an equal, she will slap the (insert your favorite expletive here) out of me, and set me straight, or leave me for someone who WILL respect her.

As for the MIL part of it, you have been given some good advice thus far. Namely, like them or not, agree or not, they are now part of your family. And while Gretchen may love you, which I am sure she does, as much as she knows how, remember that she has been loving her mama for 100% of her life, and you only 3.5% of it. Blood/water was mentioned, and is very true. Respect her parents as much as you love Gretchen, and it will prolly work out ok for you. And to help sweet, young Gretchen understand the money situation, a monthly tally of your income and expenditures for the past few months, as well as the future, might help a lot. People who aren't used to the money that Americans "throw around" have virtually no grasp on what bills and such cost over here. A good example was when my fiancee and I were discussing plane fares... Our round trip for two from MNL to TAG is costing me a whole $178. Imagine her surprise to find out that a visit to my parents from Alaska will be more like $800 EACH. Absolutely no frame of reference to someone who has never traveled outside the PI.

Good luck to both of you, you're both gonna need it. And while this piece of advice may seem counter-intuitive, you may wish to seek advice from those that know you better than most on here.

Best wishes to you and Gretchen!

[^_^ 5,021]

Blood is thicker than water and your blood is running thin and crystal clear.

Jimmy: I don't even know what that means.

Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

Jimmy: No, it's not ...

Chazz: ...It gets the people going!

[Tahoma 2,291]

Please note, I am dealing with a tribal customs not todays mentality in most of the world. Everything Americans believe or hold true go out the door in this area. they are not barbaric, however, there are certain customs of a tribal nature which hold true. I am dealing with mentality of a "Kano" in their minds, plus the customs and traditions they hold to. What I am not posting is much more shocking then what I am posting. What I am learning and the translations would send most Americans into fits, tantrums, and human rights activists screaming.

Your posts are getting weirder and weirder. Do you expect anyone to believe that pile of jebs?

Do you even realize that Markieboy is Filipino? Sheesh...

I'm going to enjoy reading the responses from the rest of the tribe!!!

By the way, I find it strange that you would whine about how your inlaws are pissing away money, then go on to describe how you didn't stick to your own budget.

It must be h*ll when a control freak loses control.

Gretchen...we will pray for you!

OK tribe...Magdasal na tayo.......

[Markieboy 104]

Do you even realize that Markieboy is Filipino? Sheesh...

Shhh...that's supposed to be a secret, Tahoma!

I don't mind being a typical Kano, ignorant of tribal customs.

[GLJ1322 5]

Dude, I agree on what others have said that spending all that on the trip wasn't smart. I understand your concerns and wanting to be with Gretchen while dealing with that part of the process, but you didn't have to be there and act like a baller. You could've saved all that money by staying in Arizona like I did. I know my wife is intelligent, resourceful, and fully capable of taking care of the medical, interview, and other random stuff that popped up. She is my equal and partner I didn't have to be there to hold her hand and do things for her. I saved my money instead and set aside for my budget as well as a honeymoon in Vegas, a trip to Cali to visit my bros, and a 7 day cruise for our anniversary. My wife and I are on the same page ever since the start of the relationship and she made sure the her family knew what to expect from me as the son in law. She also knows what my family expects of her as the daughter in law. I lived the first 11 years of my life in the PI and I still know our culture and the issues involved with marrying a woman from the PI. Seems like expectations from both culture and family have been miscommunicated in your case. I wish you luck and a smooth ride from here on out.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Do you even realize that Markieboy is Filipino? Sheesh...

Ummm, Tahoma, how can he be, when he looks like he could be Greg House's twin brother??? No need to spread rumors here my man!

Shhh...that's supposed to be a secret, Tahoma!

I don't mind being a typical Kano, ignorant of tribal customs.

Me wanna passum the peace pipe witchoo, Fellow 'Kano!!

[Tim/Mav 305]

Wined and dined her. Impressions on the family.

Within 3 days: OH I HAVE THESE RULES after her arrival. OH PLEASE Get a Grip!

Never trust a man wearing a Snoopy T-Shirt.

Darren will see the replies but I bet Gretchen don't.

I hope you learned something Darren about how other people feel about whats going on in your head. I seen no one agree with you and are honest replies.

You trapped that little girl and if your not happy, pay her ticket back.

You won't do that or offer.

[Markieboy 104]

Shhh...that's supposed to be a secret, Tahoma!

I don't mind being a typical Kano (sarcasm intended), ignorant of tribal customs.

^^^Correction made.

Me wanna passum the peace pipe witchoo, Fellow 'Kano!!

Not really a 'Kano, but I'll take a puff.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Markieboy

[Laser1 63]

the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked. ... But I feel so much like a schmuck over all the money sent.

This is totally normal. You spent more money on a vacation than you budgeted for, enough to hurt your budget at home. Just the hotel costs for a week's vacation to a western city can easily run 60tw php ($1500).

Edited September 20, 2011 by Laser1

[Tahoma 2,291]

Me wanna passum the peace pipe witchoo, Fellow 'Kano!!

Not really a 'Kano, but I'll take a puff.

Hey guys...pass the pipe...I'll take a hit too...as long as it's not what Tim/Mav is smoking.

[Tim/Mav 305]

Hey guys...pass the pipe...I'll take a hit too...as long as it's not what Tim/Mav is smoking.

If Bill Clinton can get away with it I can get away with it. I never inhaled and I never had sex with that woman

[Tahoma 2,291]

If Bill Clinton can get away with it I can get away with it. I never inhaled and I never had sex with that woman

^^^ I believe you about the last part!

Now please pass the bong to Darren...it may help him!

[Loolie 56]

I think gretchen should deal with her family not really you. she should be the one to explain to them or make her family realize that living here in US is not easy. i dont know know why you need to talk to them about money, boat or whatever... your making them expect something from you... Its like your trying to be the man who will rescue them from poverty or something like that... just forget about the family in the philippines and just deal with your finances first. And tell gretchen to talk to her family coz shes the one who can only stop or tolerate her family from asking money. And you just keep quite.

[rlogan 2,036]

these seem to be contradictory statements.

Good catch. Doing the opposite of what we are saying.

A budget of 160,000 pesos? I built a house for that, with plumbing and electricity. As far as Americanos go - it's a tiny house in a Filipino slum. We "cheated" with no general contractor, only one subcontractor, and almost all free labor. I saved two walls by adjoining two other buildings! But if you are smart about money in the Philippines, it is incredible what you can accomplish.

Merchant Seaman School is 22,000 tuition a year, and 30,000 pesos with books and other expenses. Three years academics total 90,000 pesos. The internship year is free, but you work on a ship. So 160,000 pesos is almost two trade school educations of siblings. Fix everyone's teeth, neighborhood-wide. They have never seen a hundred thousand pesos in their lives and two of them just shot by. Riceland? My God. They'd be land barons. That was a monster fishing boat. Our boat was 3,000 pesos, a fixer-upper now working.

Use money more carefully? Plan ahead? Communicate clearly and openly?