FAMILY ACCEPTANCE

oldahmed · January 27, 2011

im not judging anybody !!!!! calm down man you r the one who is judging me i guess

maybe u r a bit senstive when it comes to the 4 wife issue ???? who knows and who cares ?

"i bet u he is just acting like an angel..."

That's not judging a person?!!!

Mithra · January 27, 2011

Agreed. Plus, the consulate doesn't always ask about the family. My husband wasn't asked about how his family felt about our marriage.

I don't think the OP said that the family didn't know about her.

In people's experiences, family acceptance does seem to matter to the consulate. But I was thinking about whether it should. I mean, I've seen marriages on this forum that turned out to be frauds where the family was apparently enthusiastic about the union - but why wouldn't they be, it's not like they weren't in on the scam as well. Then there have been marriages where I think genuine feelings were involved on both sides (i.e. not a "fraud") and the family had a problem with the union because of difference of religion or whatever reason. Genuine family acceptance is important, but apparent family acceptance, less so. IMO, of course.

momof1 · January 27, 2011

Even after almost 9 years of marriage, I'm fairly certain my in-laws would prefer an Algerian daughter in law. We get along fine. They love me and our children, but if they had it their way my husband would be married to one of his cousins or someone in their neighborhood...at least someome who shares their language. My husband had lived abroad for quite a few years before we married and even at 30 years old he was terrified to tell his family. They asked many questions. Is she Algerian? No. Is she arab? No. Is she muslim. Yes. Alhamdulillah and end of conversation. As if they could stop him from thousands of miles away. It was fairly easy for him, but he knows that it would have been more difficult had he been in Algeria. My opinion is that the family will accept the relationship because ultimately they have no chioce, but if they had their way it would likely be different.

Beauty for Ashes · January 28, 2011

Even after almost 9 years of marriage, I'm fairly certain my in-laws would prefer an Algerian daughter in law. We get along fine. They love me and our children, but if they had it their way my husband would be married to one of his cousins or someone in their neighborhood...at least someome who shares their language. My husband had lived abroad for quite a few years before we married and even at 30 years old he was terrified to tell his family. They asked many questions. Is she Algerian? No. Is she arab? No. Is she muslim. Yes. Alhamdulillah and end of conversation. As if they could stop him from thousands of miles away. It was fairly easy for him, but he knows that it would have been more difficult had he been in Algeria. My opinion is that the family will accept the relationship because ultimately they have no chioce, but if they had their way it would likely be different.

Thanks for your honest answer. You also have a successful long term relationship, dont you?

I personally know an Algerian guy who married 2 women...both Algerian. He treasures his in between relationships with Americans but would never marry one. Both marriages have been trains wrecks, the first a whiney rich algerian daddys girl , the second totally orani ghetto trash who beats her kids and shrieks and is 20 years younger. I know only a few algerians in stable long term relationships with foreigners and the ones I know are very stable and loving. Do I think the nationality of who I chose affected what happened to me? No. It was being with someone uneducated and younger who grew up with nothing and was hungry and materialistic. Had I met someone who lived here stateside, who would have accepted me with my kids, which most over here with papers do not.. they want single and younger, no kids if a white girl or an algerian girl from back home.. Hell half of them wont marry one whos over here already because she is perceived as loose and other people s opnions matter dont they? Not all Algerian algerian marriages work out over here either...but its culture etc.

Ps the algerian I am talking about married his moms brothers daughter..He started courting his first cousin while married to the first algerian. Marrying a first or second cousin is alot more preferable than a foreigner.. Its hard to explain but as you alreasy said, you accept this as fact> I do know a really good friend married to a kabilye and they are so happy. THey have one kid together and he is older than her and she had no kids and was never married...I think alot of them dont want baggage for real marriages. If its a starter marriage, then who cares?

Beauty for Ashes · January 28, 2011

I missed the part about his family having no knowledge of her or the relationships seriousness. That would explain concern about officials asking them what they know of her or how they feel about the relationship. Please tell me that we have misunderstood and that his family does indeed at the very least know of her and their relationship..please, please, please.....It is a good thing you are going soon for a face to face visit and hopefully meeting family and friends of his, but I wouldn't want to be a "surprise" for them. I had spoken with his sister and father several times before going for even my first visit and his entire family and friends knew all about me before I ever arrived and were very anxious to meet me. Family acceptance is very important especially in this culture and with him being Muslim. My husbands family has been wonderful from the very beginning, sure they had concerns that were addressed early on and i have a very good relationship with all of them. I even lived with his parents on my own in his absence for 2 months and they took me everywhere with them and always treated me with love and respect and as if I were their own daughter.

I really wish you the best and hope all works out well for you. And please feel comfortable contacting any of us personally to talk more, because I get the feeling there is more you may want to talk about and if not..one can never have too many friends:D

I have a 15 year old son. If in 3 years, as a high school senior, he struck up a relationship with a 35 year old, which is what ages match the situation, I dont know about the rest of you, but I would be reading her the riot act. I can somehow visualise late 20s (with difficulty) but a man child? Its child abuse as far as I am concerned and bordering on predatory. What normal 35 year old woman has anything to share with an 18 year old? I would be trying to ask his mom about what college he was going to or trying to be an older sister or a mom to him. My living youngest is 6 and I have a teen and I would be comepletely pissed and flipping out if some older woman put her fangs into him. Thats really gross and says alot about the petitioner as far as I am concerned. As a mom of a teen, it really hits home. When are we as women supposed to act motherly and mature? What age is too young? Does someone 35 really have anything at all to say to an 18 year old except...wheres your backpack and what will you major in at school?

Beauty for Ashes · January 28, 2011

I don't think the OP said that the family didn't know about her.

In people's experiences, family acceptance does seem to matter to the consulate. But I was thinking about whether it should. I mean, I've seen marriages on this forum that turned out to be frauds where the family was apparently enthusiastic about the union - but why wouldn't they be, it's not like they weren't in on the scam as well. Then there have been marriages where I think genuine feelings were involved on both sides (i.e. not a "fraud") and the family had a problem with the union because of difference of religion or whatever reason. Genuine family acceptance is important, but apparent family acceptance, less so. IMO, of course.

I absolutely agree with this. I have seen huge huge weddings with the whole uuuuuuuu that were complete frauds including my own. I do think after time he felt sorry and developed compassion after all he put me and my mother through but it was totally a scam and it was all for papers.

There are many families that are in on the scam. Real acceptance is when you have a tragedy and they stick beside you and build you up and try to take care of you too...not just use you as a horse to carry their family member to citizenship. I really feel that my family was much nicer and compassionate to him than his to me or mine. I am absolutely a very forgiving person but what he did to me was reprehensible and my family cant get over it or accept him because of how he acted after we experienced tragedy. They were all good time charlie and he tried to make alot of things up but neither I or my family could forgive. I felt they didnt care about me at all..not one bit.I felt like it was all a big scam and looking back, I want to throw up when I think about all the fakeness. One aunt was really nice for me but she felt left out and was mistreated by most of the family. Strangers were pretty nice, especially the ones that didnt like his family hehehe. Its all water under the bridge now. Many families are in on it and thats hard for innocent very loving and trusting Americans to believe. We are very naive. If everyone shows up with smiles and roses , we cannot look beyond that sometimes.. I am not saying you wont find love sometimes even inside of manipulation and greed but I just feel so sorry for the women that needed the love so badly and were shattered when they find out no one ever gave a damn about them. Thats really heartbreaking...

mohammedsgirl · January 28, 2011

I have a 15 year old son. If in 3 years, as a high school senior, he struck up a relationship with a 35 year old, which is what ages match the situation, I dont know about the rest of you, but I would be reading her the riot act. I can somehow visualise late 20s (with difficulty) but a man child? Its child abuse as far as I am concerned and bordering on predatory. What normal 35 year old woman has anything to share with an 18 year old? I would be trying to ask his mom about what college he was going to or trying to be an older sister or a mom to him. My living youngest is 6 and I have a teen and I would be comepletely pissed and flipping out if some older woman put her fangs into him. Thats really gross and says alot about the petitioner as far as I am concerned. As a mom of a teen, it really hits home. When are we as women supposed to act motherly and mature? What age is too young? Does someone 35 really have anything at all to say to an 18 year old except...wheres your backpack and what will you major in at school?

I came to this site knowing that i would always be respectful to anyone and everyone that was here. Never once would I judge someone for anything they discussed. I asked for help and I want to thank all of you that gave me advice, even the negative ones. But, in this case i must draw the line. Excuse me, but really I am nothing like you try to insinuate i am. When I first started talking with Mohammed, he did not have a photo of himself represented and I did not know he was 19. We started speaking as friends and he was my rock when he stuck by me through an abusive relationship. 3 months after we spoke I found out his age was 19 almost 20 and I did not believe it until he showed me his photo...he looked on the younger side but still looked older. He showed me his ID and sure enough he was 19. The maturity level he showed, I never would have guessed 19. Anyway...we continued as friends until March of 2010 and then we became more. I will be meeting him for the first time in a few days and if all goes well I will return in July to marry him. When this started, I had no intention of looking for or seeking out a younger man. I am not sure what has made you so bitter, but regardless of how you presented yourself to me....a person that you don't even know...I will accept what you say, but I will not respect you hurting people. My 22 year old fiance' is much more forgiving than me, and i will tell you he was very offended in what you said about two people who know the truth about the relationship. The most important thing is...my 22 year old fiance' shows more respect and more mentality in his little finger than you did with your hateful words. With that being said, I prefer to put "my fangs" into a loving person than a spiteful one such as yourself. Be an adult and try to see through something other than tunnel vision. There are many here with big age differences with the female being older, and i am sure they will agree that you have a right to your opinion, but act older than a "manchild" and respond in a more appropriate way.

Edited January 28, 2011 by mohammedsgirl

mohammedsgirl · January 28, 2011

I came to this site knowing that i would always be respectful to anyone and everyone that was here. Never once would I judge someone for anything they discussed. I asked for help and I want to thank all of you that gave me advice, even the negative ones. But, in this case i must draw the line. Excuse me, but really I am nothing like you try to insinuate i am. When I first started talking with Mohammed, he did not have a photo of himself represented and I did not know he was 19. We started speaking as friends and he was my rock when he stuck by me through an abusive relationship. 3 months after we spoke I found out his age was 19 almost 20 and I did not believe it until he showed me his photo...he looked on the younger side but still looked older. He showed me his ID and sure enough he was 19. The maturity level he showed, I never would have guessed 19. Anyway...we continued as friends until March of 2010 and then we became more. I will be meeting him for the first time in a few days and if all goes well I will return in July to marry him. When this started, I had no intention of looking for or seeking out a younger man. I am not sure what has made you so bitter, but regardless of how you presented yourself to me....a person that you don't even know...I will accept what you say, but I will not respect you hurting people. My 22 year old fiance' is much more forgiving than me, and i will tell you he was very offended in what you said about two people who know the truth about the relationship. The most important thing is...my 22 year old fiance' shows more respect and more mentality in his little finger than you did with your hateful words. With that being said, I prefer to put "my fangs" into a loving person than a spiteful one such as yourself. Be an adult and try to see through something other than tunnel vision. There are many here with big age differences with the female being older, and i am sure they will agree that you have a right to your opinion, but act older than a "manchild" and respond in a more appropriate way. I will also tell you that my friend is 40 and also has a Muslim boyfriend that is 27. Both of these men are respectful and mature and genuine....and as i can see that is something that some people tend to lack in this world...

NigeriaorBust · January 28, 2011

To the US culture it is still unnatural for a man to MARRY an older woman. Cougars are accepted trainers of young men but not wife material. That is just were the average person is at mentally. ANY relationship with vast age differences is more likely to fail as the couple passes through different life stages at different times. my immediate boss is married to a woman 14 years older and has been married for 20 years. My husband is younger by 13 years. Long term you are going to have to be adaptable. Expect to get strange looks at times and to be asked if you are his mother. Just learn to let it roll off.

sara..... · January 28, 2011

plz try to remember that she came on here to ask questions not to be judged for her age or his........

as far as the embassy in most countries even with family acceptance the women being older does play into some of what they look at to see if the relationship is real.....be prepared to offer more and more evidence than normal....is it fair? No it is not.....

Our religion teaches us that even our Prophet (pbuh) married a wife that was many years older than him and it was a very successful and happy marriage......are there men out there that use that to their benefit when looking for a visa? yes absolutely......are there men out there that use this in the right way as in love her protect her and life time commitment? yes absolutely but none of that has anything to do with the embassy......it is up to you and your fiance/husband to convince the embassy that the marriage is real

my sister is older than her Egyptian husband.....she lived in Egypt and did direct filing from there then went back and forth to live there for six months at a time until his visa was issued they didn't have too much difficulty.....a lot will we felt had to do with his ability to speak English and express his views on marriage and and how committed he was to his wife

good luck and i will add u to my prayers

sara

Crossed_fingers · January 28, 2011

I think the problem with the example of the Prophet, at least from my perspective, is that it never seems to be used to justify a relationship with an older woman who lives in Egypt, Morocco, etc. It is always or at least nearly always used to explain a relationship with a Western woman. That isn't to say those relationships with Western women aren't real, but it seems to me that it is not the example of the Prophet that is motivating those relationships. If it truly was just that the men are following that particular teaching of the Prophet, I think you'd see a lot more older Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. women being courted by young Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. men....but you don't.

msheesha · January 28, 2011

I think the problem with the example of the Prophet, at least from my perspective, is that it never seems to be used to justify a relationship with an older woman who lives in Egypt, Morocco, etc. It is always or at least nearly always used to explain a relationship with a Western woman. That isn't to say those relationships with Western women aren't real, but it seems to me that it is not the example of the Prophet that is motivating those relationships. If it truly was just that the men are following that particular teaching of the Prophet, I think you'd see a lot more older Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. women being courted by young Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. men....but you don't.

:thumbs:

Gugusitolindo · January 28, 2011

I think the problem with the example of the Prophet, at least from my perspective, is that it never seems to be used to justify a relationship with an older woman who lives in Egypt, Morocco, etc. It is always or at least nearly always used to explain a relationship with a Western woman. That isn't to say those relationships with Western women aren't real, but it seems to me that it is not the example of the Prophet that is motivating those relationships. If it truly was just that the men are following that particular teaching of the Prophet, I think you'd see a lot more older Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. women being courted by young Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. men....but you don't.

Agreed! :thumbs:

Mithra · January 28, 2011

I totally agree. Also, although the prophet reportedly loved his wife he did marry her for convenience. She was rich and he worked for her. Many MENA people marry for conveniences of various kinds whether it be money, opportunity, status, to broaden the family or tribe, immigration, etc. Love is often not an influence. Love may develop over time but it's usually not the sole reason for marriage. I don't think some Westerners realize this and they try to put a Western mentality on their Mid Eastern love interest.

I think the problem with the example of the Prophet, at least from my perspective, is that it never seems to be used to justify a relationship with an older woman who lives in Egypt, Morocco, etc. It is always or at least nearly always used to explain a relationship with a Western woman. That isn't to say those relationships with Western women aren't real, but it seems to me that it is not the example of the Prophet that is motivating those relationships. If it truly was just that the men are following that particular teaching of the Prophet, I think you'd see a lot more older Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. women being courted by young Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. men....but you don't.

Edited January 28, 2011 by Mithra

Jenn! · January 28, 2011

Love may develop over time but it's usually not the sole reason for marriage. I don't think some Westerners realize this and they try to put a Western mentality on their Mid Eastern love interest.

True, however, I don't think it usually goes down that the man proposes a business transaction and the woman interprets it as a declaration of love. The man would know that if he were forthcoming about his reasons for marriage, that it would not work with a Western woman. So there has to be a certain amount of deceit involved.

Edited January 28, 2011 by Jenn!

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