THE CEREMONY

[Captain Oates 911]

Ceremony Thursday – the report

Thursday 2 December - made my way 30 miles through snow and ice to the Naturalization Ceremony. Told to report at 4pm so everyone arrived 3.30 to 3.45. Joined a line for registration where my letter was taken and my green card was removed and tossed on a pile in the middle of a desk. I signed the certificate and a USCIS paper with my full name. On the door was a sign ‘ USCS Nathuralization’. I kid you not it was just like that. The admin thing was done mainly in Spanish and 25 of the 30 candidates were Hispanic. I get on well with most Hispanics and I can rap it some – so I was comfortable being a minority of one English person.

My wife was told to go in another room where she would be called to observe the ceremony at 6 pm !!!!!

We candidates sat there in agony for one and a half hours staring at the wall. A woman candidate told the USCIS that we should have been warned in the letter of the huge time delay as she had small children with her who had been sent to the other room.. Eventually we were re-united with our relatives just before the ceremony. No coffee. 3.30pm to 7pm with no coffee ? My batty hurt on the wooden school chairs.

Then the stage guests:

A local school teacher made a rambling speech saying education was important otherwise we would only have bows and arrows for weapons instead of rockets and guns. A girl sang the national anthem and she was very good and hit all the notes but did it in the warbling, bordering on screaming, gospel style which I don’t like.

A lady who could barely speak any English said she had been here 23 years and started as an apple picker and worked her way up to an apple polisher. She was very nice but I could read Spanish much better than she could read her English piece and that is after 23 years of assimilation !

Then I renounced Prince Charles and all his ears and successors. I declared that I am no longer willing and eager to be parachuted into Iran at midnight in winter on behalf of David Cameron – but if ####### Cheney says it’s a good idea then it is my sacred duty and I would just love to.

I was called up onto the stage and they used my correct name instead of my first and middle they had been using up to then. I shook hand with eleven people and I congratulated the singer and the apple polisher who was very nice despite her lack of progress with English after 23 years.

I was then taken in the back room for the chip to be inserted under my neck skin and it was all quite painless.

I was asked to write the following lines to make sure the chip was working:

A Sarah Plain has nice silky hair and is sexy cockeyed and looks like she is taking a close up on my commander - and that qualifies her to be leader of the free world and given the codes to thermo nuclear weapons

B Invading other countries is a good thing because they are not US Citizens and therefore have no rights

C Rich people deserve even more and poor people deserve even less and to say otherwise is socialist

D I would rather die in agony than accept free medical help because it’s not the American way

E Kidnapping foreign nationals and keeping them in foreign secret torture centers is bad unless it’s us that is doing it in which case it is totally justified as we are the good guys so there

F Although Jesus was born in Palestine (I mean the great State of Israel), he was and is a US Citizen because his father was and is and made the US on the first Monday morning of creation.

G Getting a second mortgage at 30% interest and tithing the proceeds, plus 50% of my income, to a slick pastor in a shiny suite who has a pink Rolls Royce, is only sensible

H If an 11 year old kid with intellectual problems tries to steal my hub caps, there is nothing wrong with kneeling him in the driveway, executing him with my Glock, and billing his parents for the clean up

The computer checked my responses and certified the implant was working and I had been successfully re-oriented.

Despite some of the negatives, it is a nice feeling to be the same Nationality as my cats and to be as entitled to be here as I am entitled to be in the EU. My wife got me a US lapel badge which I will proudly wear every day.

I am seriously happy to be an American because despite the orientation test, I know that more than 50% of my fellow Americans think the opposite to those sentiments and the good guys are in the majority and will win through one day (with my help)

Civis Romanus sum - ipso facto coitus interruptus

[Ted46 2]

Congratulations on becoming a US citizen.

[v333k 59]

A lady who could barely speak any English said she had been here 23 years and started as an apple picker and worked her way up to an apple polisher.

LMAO!!!!!! Sorry but this is truly funny!

Congratulations!!! Thanks for sharing your story...

[BethandBilly 86]

That sir, was an incredibly amusing story, who I am trying to kid, that was some funny writing right there. Congrats on your citizenship, seems it went as smoothly as possible. Enjoy being a Dual National!

[OBX 51]

The most entertaining review I have read!

Congratulations!

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Congratulations!!!

[CVB 18]

LOL... Glad to read some English humour again. I have to say, they're good at this.

Alan... thanks for making my day. It's nice to see the frustration coming out, created over the years as an emigrant in this free country. We all know the feeling. Congratulation Alan... I really mean it.

Edited December 4, 2010 by CVB

[Captain Oates 911]

LOL... Glad to read some English humour again. I have to say, they're good at this.

Alan... thanks for making my day. It's nice to see the frustration coming out, created over the years as an emigrant in this free country. We all know the feeling. Congratulation Alan... I really mean it.

Thanks folks, I am still suffering from PTSD which I acquired after the green card struggle in 2007. People are people and once one realises that, living anywhere is easy and simply a question of chosing the place with the least rain and the largest parking spaces. It rains 8 inches pa here and the parking spaces are wider than my house was back in the UK so home sweet home. All politicians are corrupt swine the world over so lets not worry about them and their artificial governments which are constructed to suit them. We the people in the US and Germany and England etc etc are great taken as individuals so lets not hear any more of Americans are like this and Iranians are like that etc etc.

That is one thing the tea party has right - left to our own devices, we the people can all be pals and get along with our lives quite nicely thank you - it's only our political masters who give us guns and tell us to hate and kill each other and who cause all the trouble. Without governments, it wouldn't even cross our minds to do that.

I am just a human being and interested in giving every other human being a 'fair go' in their own chosen style as the ozzies say.

Right I shall have another beer before I turn into John Lennon and start fancying yoko -- jeez heck

ps I went for a walk today and felt naked without my GC. No certificate (mailed for passport) , no GC. No Arizona for sure !

I think I will start a new business organising Naturalization Ceremonies and sub contract to the USCIS. I could use the Bon Jovi rig and have the judge dressed as a James Brown look alike flying in on a trapeze and shining a flashlight on the candidates as he paases over them singing 'Living in America' on max amps ! Oh dear I need to go and lay down it's all been too much.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Congratulations - and I loved your review

[NickD 202]

Ceremony Thursday – the report

Thursday 2 December - made my way 30 miles through snow and ice to the Naturalization Ceremony. Told to report at 4pm so everyone arrived 3.30 to 3.45. Joined a line for registration where my letter was taken and my green card was removed and tossed on a pile in the middle of a desk. I signed the certificate and a USCIS paper with my full name. On the door was a sign ' USCS Nathuralization'. I kid you not it was just like that. The admin thing was done mainly in Spanish and 25 of the 30 candidates were Hispanic. I get on well with most Hispanics and I can rap it some – so I was comfortable being a minority of one English person.

My wife was told to go in another room where she would be called to observe the ceremony at 6 pm !!!!!

We candidates sat there in agony for one and a half hours staring at the wall. A woman candidate told the USCIS that we should have been warned in the letter of the huge time delay as she had small children with her who had been sent to the other room.. Eventually we were re-united with our relatives just before the ceremony. No coffee. 3.30pm to 7pm with no coffee ? My batty hurt on the wooden school chairs.

Then the stage guests:

A local school teacher made a rambling speech saying education was important otherwise we would only have bows and arrows for weapons instead of rockets and guns. A girl sang the national anthem and she was very good and hit all the notes but did it in the warbling, bordering on screaming, gospel style which I don't like.

A lady who could barely speak any English said she had been here 23 years and started as an apple picker and worked her way up to an apple polisher. She was very nice but I could read Spanish much better than she could read her English piece and that is after 23 years of assimilation !

Then I renounced Prince Charles and all his ears and successors. I declared that I am no longer willing and eager to be parachuted into Iran at midnight in winter on behalf of David Cameron – but if ####### Cheney says it's a good idea then it is my sacred duty and I would just love to.

I was called up onto the stage and they used my correct name instead of my first and middle they had been using up to then. I shook hand with eleven people and I congratulated the singer and the apple polisher who was very nice despite her lack of progress with English after 23 years.

I was then taken in the back room for the chip to be inserted under my neck skin and it was all quite painless.

I was asked to write the following lines to make sure the chip was working:

A Sarah Plain has nice silky hair and is sexy cockeyed and looks like she is taking a close up on my commander - and that qualifies her to be leader of the free world and given the codes to thermo nuclear weapons

B Invading other countries is a good thing because they are not US Citizens and therefore have no rights

C Rich people deserve even more and poor people deserve even less and to say otherwise is socialist

D I would rather die in agony than accept free medical help because it's not the American way

E Kidnapping foreign nationals and keeping them in foreign secret torture centers is bad unless it's us that is doing it in which case it is totally justified as we are the good guys so there

F Although Jesus was born in Palestine (I mean the great State of Israel), he was and is a US Citizen because his father was and is and made the US on the first Monday morning of creation.

G Getting a second mortgage at 30% interest and tithing the proceeds, plus 50% of my income, to a slick pastor in a shiny suite who has a pink Rolls Royce, is only sensible

H If an 11 year old kid with intellectual problems tries to steal my hub caps, there is nothing wrong with kneeling him in the driveway, executing him with my Glock, and billing his parents for the clean up

The computer checked my responses and certified the implant was working and I had been successfully re-oriented.

Despite some of the negatives, it is a nice feeling to be the same Nationality as my cats and to be as entitled to be here as I am entitled to be in the EU. My wife got me a US lapel badge which I will proudly wear every day.

I am seriously happy to be an American because despite the orientation test, I know that more than 50% of my fellow Americans think the opposite to those sentiments and the good guys are in the majority and will win through one day (with my help)

Civis Romanus sum - ipso facto coitus interruptus

My German Shepherd dog was born in Germany, just needed his shots all dogs gets and a crate I had to pay for. No immigration for him was required, and his place of birth is not even mentioned on his birth certificate, just the names of his parents. Is written in German, no translations were required. Since he didn't ride first class, airline fee was only one way and was about 130 bucks, but since he was a cute little pup, was treated with great care, no question about him coming here with a one way ticket.

When going to Canada, he isn't required to have a US passport, just have to remember to bring his shot records along, he gets a little touchy with a full body strip search, so they leave him alone. Now if you knew any better, you would have come here barking so you could avoid this mess, no English or civics tests, no passport, no visa, and no outrageous fees to pay. You would have been far better off if you came here as a dog.

Perhaps bring my wife and step daughter here compared to my dog isn't a fair comparison, but just couldn't help but notice how poorly humans are treated by this country. Better off to be a dog.

Why a German German Shepherd? Far more care is used in selecting the parents with great distance between relatives. So typical of American breeders to even mate a mom with her son to get certain lines, resulting in either an idiot or a very in poor health pup. Can end up paying more for vet bills than the price of the dog and still end up in grief. Part of our greed in our society. Isn't greed a good definition of the USCIS?

[Captain Oates 911]

My German Shepherd dog was born in Germany, just needed his shots all dogs gets and a crate I had to pay for. No immigration for him was required, and his place of birth is not even mentioned on his birth certificate, just the names of his parents. Is written in German, no translations were required. Since he didn't ride first class, airline fee was only one way and was about 130 bucks, but since he was a cute little pup, was treated with great care, no question about him coming here with a one way ticket.

When going to Canada, he isn't required to have a US passport, just have to remember to bring his shot records along, he gets a little touchy with a full body strip search, so they leave him alone. Now if you knew any better, you would have come here barking so you could avoid this mess, no English or civics tests, no passport, no visa, and no outrageous fees to pay. You would have been far better off if you came here as a dog.

Perhaps bring my wife and step daughter here compared to my dog isn't a fair comparison, but just couldn't help but notice how poorly humans are treated by this country. Better off to be a dog.

Why a German German Shepherd? Far more care is used in selecting the parents with great distance between relatives. So typical of American breeders to even mate a mom with her son to get certain lines, resulting in either an idiot or a very in poor health pup. Can end up paying more for vet bills than the price of the dog and still end up in grief. Part of our greed in our society. Isn't greed a good definition of the USCIS?

I am scared of dogs and they sense it and bite me - but of recent years I have learned to trick em by saying "wiggy waggy - wiggy waggy" and rocking my head side to side and putting on an air of false confidence. So far it has worked as long as I don't look in their eyes where they would see through the pretence. As far as mating son to mother - my sergeant would have said "don't knock it until you have tried it" - but he was a bitter man whose values were in flux.

Feeling American is going to be a process and is not an instant change like a vasectomy. It will take a few years.

Almost 50% of Americans would hear my political/religious views and call me a traitorous immoral foreign atheist who is not wanted here and why don't you 'go home'.

The other just over 50% will welcome my monetary and philosophical contribution to the betterment of the people of the US. In order to survive the first 50% who have more guns than even me, I shall have to be more circumspect in putting forward my ideas.

The internet is educating the previously isolated Americans fast and the country will recover and flourish eventually and the violent and truculent and uncaring and xenophobic people (you know who I mean), will fade more and more.

I still feel naked without my GC !!!!

[Golden Gate 530]

Congratulations on your citizenship! Hope you keep coming back on Visa Journey. We need your humour!

[NickD 202]

I am scared of dogs and they sense it and bite me - but of recent years I have learned to trick em by saying "wiggy waggy - wiggy waggy" and rocking my head side to side and putting on an air of false confidence. So far it has worked as long as I don't look in their eyes where they would see through the pretence. As far as mating son to mother - my sergeant would have said "don't knock it until you have tried it" - but he was a bitter man whose values were in flux.

Feeling American is going to be a process and is not an instant change like a vasectomy. It will take a few years.

Almost 50% of Americans would hear my political/religious views and call me a traitorous immoral foreign atheist who is not wanted here and why don't you 'go home'.

The other just over 50% will welcome my monetary and philosophical contribution to the betterment of the people of the US. In order to survive the first 50% who have more guns than even me, I shall have to be more circumspect in putting forward my ideas.

The internet is educating the previously isolated Americans fast and the country will recover and flourish eventually and the violent and truculent and uncaring and xenophobic people (you know who I mean), will fade more and more.

I still feel naked without my GC !!!!

Ha my wife, a US citizen for two years now still needed my support in going back to the service department of a local department store to make a return. Just said, this is my wife, she wants to return and item. Then she took it from there, was so proud of her doing most of the return rather than having me do it. How does a guy return a skirt if asked the reason why? Just snapped back without thinking, thought it was a mans' skirt, but when I got home, learned it was for a woman.

[Captain Oates 911]

Ha my wife, a US citizen for two years now still needed my support in going back to the service department of a local department store to make a return. Just said, this is my wife, she wants to return and item. Then she took it from there, was so proud of her doing most of the return rather than having me do it. How does a guy return a skirt if asked the reason why? Just snapped back without thinking, thought it was a mans' skirt, but when I got home, learned it was for a woman.

Actually I got an email today from a pal who is transvestite in the yookay

He opened a bank account as Pauline and goes in there after work with his lippy on. Gives him a buz I reckon.

I bet all the girls in there know - though he does dress like Sarah Palin. The TSA would know.

I was proud of my wifey too when she lived in England and faced winter motorway traffic on her own and got a hard job. I am bloody proud of myself too - I used to be homesick after 10 days holiday in Spain and ready to run home - and I have made it here in the US. For someone who's native tongue is not English it must be 10 times harder.

I would like to get her indoors a UK passport - a 3 year stint when she early retires. That will guarantee her unlimited 100% free health care for life with no limits or copays and no pre existing etc. Worth having.

Nobody early retires here in the US as they cant afford or trust health insurance. I retired at 54 in the UK and all my friends retired between 50 and 55.

You can live on a few dollars a week if your house is paid off. I feel sorry for Americans - oops I mean other Americans - they really do have it tough. I would never petition for my kids to come here as its scary - they are better off in a socialist Europe where they are surrounded by safety nets.

However its all right for me - ca plane por moi !!!!

[ELW 5]

OMG Red, you write what many of us think but dare not express.

Congrats on your Citizenship to this great land of ours! (Ours since seizing it from the former occupants.)