Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses

[Gilles 4]

It may be useful for you to learn a few things about what the Bible says, so you can help her to learn more about what she claims to believe. One of two things will likely happen: She will realize that she needs to change and change. Or, she will realize (perhaps subconsciously) that she does not actually want to accept it, and will become worse.

I've tried both quoting passages to her and asking her if God would approve of her behavior. She responds by saying that it doesn't matter because I don't believe in God. Just how do the beliefs of others affect a Christian's accountability to God?

The Bible teaches a family hierarchy. The man has the authority and the responsibility as head of the household. The situation you face is evidence as to why this is a good guideline. Men are commanded to Love their wives, while women are commanded to Respect their husbands. The concept of respect comes naturally to men, but not to women; and the ability to love obviously is how women are built, but not so much men. Women have to "work" at being respectful, and men have to "work" at being loving. If both the man and the woman concentrate on this, the marriage will flourish. Men have to learn to ask themselves "will saying or doing this make my wife feel loved?", while women must ask themselves "will my husband feel that respect him?". Very often wives will say "he has to earn my respect first!", but then this leads to men having a very hard time being loving to a woman who disrespects him.

Thanks for sharing. I think you got this out of Ephesians. Am I right?

Also, regarding her "license to be bad". If she is using forgiveness as an excuse to do whatever she wants, then I feel the need to ask what denomination she follows? Knowing this will help me compare what she believes with what the Bible actually teaches, if you would like to help her understand it better. Only a few denominations teach that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and just use forgiveness to absolve all responsibility.

She's Christian. I've heard others refer to it as Protestant. I don't know what she really believes, as when I ask her questions about her faith, she becomes evasive, defensive, agitated or angry.

This is very clearly not how forgiveness and repentance work according to the Bible. We are not forgiven if we intend to do whatever it was again. Forgiveness is freely given, but we have to actually repent in order to receive it. Repentance means not merely acknowledging wrongdoing, but also desiring to never do it again.

Sometimes I wonder if she is aware of this. What part of the Bible specifically addresses this? Feel free to PM me regarding this.

On the bright side, it means she at least knows that what she is doing is bad, if she knows there is a need to be forgiven for it.

Also, you can suggest to her that she pray for God's guidance in her decisions (which specifically opposes a common attitude of making selfish decisions and then praying for help in executing them)

I think this is a good idea. However, she'll inevitably say as a non-believer, I'm in no position to suggest she pray for God's guidance. But once again, how does the belief of someone else make it any less worthy for her to pray for God's guidance?

If it would help, I can provide Bible references for all of these.

Please do. You may PM me if you wish.

There's nothing wrong with him coming here seeking advice from others. Some people go to bars and "whine" to the bartender, or their buddies, or whoever else. Some people use internet forums. I personally don't call it whining. For one, I don't think I was involved in his previous threads, so in the off chance that I (or anyone else who has encountered it for the first time in this particular thread) happen to offer one useful bit of advice, his posting another thread here was surely worthwhile.

There's also nothing wrong with him putting up with her for an eternity. It's that thing called love. See my signature regarding the definition of love.

Very well said. If I didn't love my wife, I wouldn't have put up with this ####### and would have divorced her a long time ago. I think others in here are losing sight of that.

[Gilles 4]

Are you up with the times on why men go overseas to find a bride? Most of the men I know who married Filipina women admit they got fed up with all the game playing that goes on with dating and/or romancing an American woman.

My point exactly.

and at this point, im sorry but i no longer believe this to be a real scenario. NO ONE could be this dense.

I think most America men who bring a bride over from the Philippines (or be it Russia, South America or Vietnam) thoroughly consider the alternative prior to looking overseas.

[Gilles 4]

Hi Gilles!

I assumed the reason why you made this thread is to get advices, opinion as well as ideas on what is really the deal with your situation. Upon reading all the responses that people posted here, if you are not stupid (forgive for the word I used, I just can't think what other word should I use to express my thoughts) then it would be enough for you to analyze your situation. Now, as I observe, you are trying to reason out facts thats already understandable. If you think you already did everything to make things better but the problem didn't really get solution, then its about time to change course of action. My guess, you are in denial of the outcome for whatever course of action you may take. If your situation is what really it is, then you either give her ultimatum and have it happen if she didn't agree to do so or continue with your stupidity. No amount of advices or opinions will ever suffice your search for solution as long as you keep searching instead of making actions to solve your problem.

But if you posted this thread to stretch out with your burden, I guess you have enough. You really sound so stupid now.

You're funny! I posted this thread and the other one to get feedback from others who have dealt with similar situations. While there is not an identical solution for all of us who are in situations like I'm in, there are naturally some things which will have a tendency to work better than other things. One's natural tendency might not be to do the thing which will likely work the best. Perhaps one fears tension, hostility, outwardly shown anger, etc and doesn't want to be encumbered by a home life full of those things. So his natural tendency is to avoid confrontation. There ultimately gets to be a point for all of us where the consequences of giving in to every demand stop being favorable in comparison to the hostility and bitterness which may permeate a relationship for a while when you say "no".

[Armenia 18]

I know I can just ignore threads I do not like but this is so very annoying.

Gilles, yours posts on this thread and on your other very long thread are about the same problem. You ask the same questions over and over and over and over again. People here keep giving you the same advice over and over and over and over again. And yet you seem to be blind or lacking in comprehension since you still post the same questions and complaints over and over and over and over again.

I am amazed at how patient people here are in repeating themselves over and over and over and over again.

If you were in my class, you'd have flunked a long time ago. When you speak with a grown up with no mental or physiological disability, many university professors and instructors would say - I will only say something once. Hear it, understand it. Do not ask the same question more than once. Do not repeat what you already said. Learn and apply what you've learned.

You come across like a very desperate man too afraid to confront his spouse for fear that she will leave you. Stop it. You're a grown man but you're behaving like a helpless toddler. Use your brain. What is the point of having a brain if you're not going to use it?

[Kevin- 13]

Haven't all your parents' taught you this old adage? "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

Gilles,

I will reply again soon with the details you need. It might take a bit of time to dig up all the appropriate references.

You're correct, most of that concept comes from Ephesians. Chapter 5 verse 33 is the easy single-verse version.

Protestant basically means non-Catholic Christian. Protestants are those groups of Christians who originated from the movement in protest of Catholicism - "The Protestant Reformation" or just "The Reformation". Many Protestants today don't realize they are Protestants, and even if they do, don't realize what it actually means to be one.

I'm curious, is the overall tone of the marriage and relationship hostile and/or confrontational? Or is it generally fine if these topics are not in the spotlight?

You're absolutely right about the accountability issue. She should realize the teachings of the Bible are true regardless of who is reading them or presenting them or talking about them. You've just got to calmly and nicely reply to those statements by saying what you're saying here. "Whether or not I believe something has no effect on whether it's true." Truth is absolute.

You could try this... Become interested in Christianity. Then, ask her to help you understand it. Be genuine about it, so she will have no logical way to reject your advance except from her own spitefulness. If she rejects, don't give up. Let your interest in saving your marriage become an interest in Christianity. I'm not telling you to just blindly become one, but rather open up a willingness to learn more about it for the sake of turning her attitude around and saving the marriage. I'm sure you can see where this is going. If you become genuinely interested in Christianity, her biggest excuse for her bad behavior becomes nullified.

She knows what she's doing is wrong, at least on some level. She most likely gets irritated when you inquire about her faith because she knows she is not being true to it. It's a classic defensive response of insecurity. She doesn't want to actively think about how she is not acting in accordance with her own beliefs, and by becoming angry or irritated about the topic she is able to avoid those thoughts she doesn't like. Sometimes you might need to continue talking about these points (calmly), even when she is trying not to listen.

You seem like a patient person, a trait which I share. So I'm sure you can leverage this to "wear down" her defenses, if it's possible at all. Free will does exist, so you could actually be the most perfectly suited individual to overcome this, and yet be unable to, because in the end it's her choice how she acts.

Finally: Don't worry about the haters.

Edited November 11, 2010 by Kevin-

[Loolie 56]

to kevin, I dont really know the bible page by page but is there anything that says you can talk about your wife in public? how bad she is? what she is? or whatsoever something like that? do you think you love the person by doing that? are you gonna do the same thing like what gilles has been doing to his wife if your wife is like that? I mean how are you gonna handle the situation if your wife is like that. I am just curious.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Haven't all your parents' taught you this old adage? "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

Finally: Don't worry about the haters.

What do they call those who don't practice what they preach? A hypocrite?

[Maxx121 14]

Haven't all your parents' taught you this old adage? "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

Gilles,

I will reply again soon with the details you need. It might take a bit of time to dig up all the appropriate references.

You're correct, most of that concept comes from Ephesians. Chapter 5 verse 33 is the easy single-verse version.

Protestant basically means non-Catholic Christian. Protestants are those groups of Christians who originated from the movement in protest of Catholicism - "The Protestant Reformation" or just "The Reformation". Many Protestants today don't realize they are Protestants, and even if they do, don't realize what it actually means to be one.

I'm curious, is the overall tone of the marriage and relationship hostile and/or confrontational? Or is it generally fine if these topics are not in the spotlight?

You're absolutely right about the accountability issue. She should realize the teachings of the Bible are true regardless of who is reading them or presenting them or talking about them. You've just got to calmly and nicely reply to those statements by saying what you're saying here. "Whether or not I believe something has no effect on whether it's true." Truth is absolute.

You could try this... Become interested in Christianity. Then, ask her to help you understand it. Be genuine about it, so she will have no logical way to reject your advance except from her own spitefulness. If she rejects, don't give up. Let your interest in saving your marriage become an interest in Christianity. I'm not telling you to just blindly become one, but rather open up a willingness to learn more about it for the sake of turning her attitude around and saving the marriage. I'm sure you can see where this is going. If you become genuinely interested in Christianity, her biggest excuse for her bad behavior becomes nullified.

She knows what she's doing is wrong, at least on some level. She most likely gets irritated when you inquire about her faith because she knows she is not being true to it. It's a classic defensive response of insecurity. She doesn't want to actively think about how she is not acting in accordance with her own beliefs, and by becoming angry or irritated about the topic she is able to avoid those thoughts she doesn't like. Sometimes you might need to continue talking about these points (calmly), even when she is trying not to listen.

You seem like a patient person, a trait which I share. So I'm sure you can leverage this to "wear down" her defenses, if it's possible at all. Free will does exist, so you could actually be the most perfectly suited individual to overcome this, and yet be unable to, because in the end it's her choice how she acts.

Finally: Don't worry about the haters.

You sir seem to be a good christian and i tip my hat to you. Sometimes frustration pops up and makes us lose our cool.

Giles i will say a little prayer for you and yours and i hope you find jesus cause you need help my friend.

My Memory Verse:

PSA 101:7 No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who

speaks falsely will stand in my presence.

Something you should read:

http://bible-truth.org/Eph5-25-31.html

If your wife says you dont believe in god. Tell her you are trying to understand and ask her to help you.

[Loolie 56]

We only know one side of the story. Where is the story of the wife? I hope the wife will make her thread too about her husband. hehehehe.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Quoting Bible Verses will not resolve these issues.

She won't listen to someone from outside the relationship except her family back home who are a part of the problem.

She won't listen to her husband.

She doesn't want to contribute to the marriage.

WHY IS SHE MARRIED?

[BJZags 17]

She doesn't want to contribute to the marriage.

WHY IS SHE MARRIED?

Maybe she thinks she is contributing to the marriage, just the definition of 'contribution' between the husband and wife are different. This is a very common problem. There is a house close to ours with a double-garage, with "OURS" over one bay-door, and "HERS" over the other one. There is sometimes an element of truth to these sayings!

[Gilles 4]

I know I can just ignore threads I do not like but this is so very annoying.

Gilles, yours posts on this thread and on your other very long thread are about the same problem. You ask the same questions over and over and over and over again. People here keep giving you the same advice over and over and over and over again. And yet you seem to be blind or lacking in comprehension since you still post the same questions and complaints over and over and over and over again.

I am amazed at how patient people here are in repeating themselves over and over and over and over again.

If you were in my class, you'd have flunked a long time ago. When you speak with a grown up with no mental or physiological disability, many university professors and instructors would say - I will only say something once. Hear it, understand it. Do not ask the same question more than once. Do not repeat what you already said. Learn and apply what you've learned.

Some people when confronted with the same question from the same person a second time will respond with something along the lines of, "I'm not going to answer that question, you asked it already and I already gave you an answer". Others will answer the question anyway and perhaps offer, "by the way, I did answer that question for you already". Which do you think paints the one on the receiving end of the question in a less favorable light?

You come across like a very desperate man too afraid to confront his spouse for fear that she will leave you. Stop it. You're a grown man but you're behaving like a helpless toddler. Use your brain. What is the point of having a brain if you're not going to use it?

I don't care how I come across. If coming across in a way that doesn't really depict who I am or is not how I desire to come across in an anonymous message board is the price to be paid to get some meaningful feedback, then it's a very small price to pay.

[cobblebach 2]

Eh, I used to be alot like you Gilles. I put up with huge amounts of #######, all for the sake of "love", so I know what you are going through. Although, thankfully, I was never married to her. I know you won't take any kind of advice other than what you want to hear, so I won't waste my time trying to convince you of anything. I just hope and pray you will be OK when she breaks your heart. Cause it will happen. Been there, done that, thinking of marketing the T-shirt. The best you can do is learn from your experiences and be strong. If talking about it on the interweb makes you feel better, then by all means do so. But it's not going to change anything. Trying to manipulate someone into changing is just never going to work. She is who she is, you are who you are. Some people are just not compatible, no matter how hard they both try. Anyway, just my 2 pesos. Good luck and I truly hope everything works out for you.

[Gilles 4]

Eh, I used to be alot like you Gilles. I put up with huge amounts of #######, all for the sake of "love", so I know what you are going through. Although, thankfully, I was never married to her. I know you won't take any kind of advice other than what you want to hear, so I won't waste my time trying to convince you of anything. I just hope and pray you will be OK when she breaks your heart. Cause it will happen. Been there, done that, thinking of marketing the T-shirt. The best you can do is learn from your experiences and be strong. If talking about it on the interweb makes you feel better, then by all means do so. But it's not going to change anything. Trying to manipulate someone into changing is just never going to work. She is who she is, you are who you are. Some people are just not compatible, no matter how hard they both try. Anyway, just my 2 pesos. Good luck and I truly hope everything works out for you.

If you're right, then what do I have to lose by coming down hard and saying "no" when I feel like keeping the peace by saying "yes"? Perhaps she'll respond differently and stop the nonsensical behavior she's been exhibiting. I'll then be whacking myself on the side of the head wondering why I didn't have the strength earlier to say "no".