Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses

[TravellingNomad 12]

if you yourself is low on funds....DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY. i understand your wife wants to (supposedly) help a relative, but is your wife even considering your financial situation?

[Joan >3 Bob 20]

Danger Danger Will Robinson, the is the first of many tests on you releationship, and if you send them the money you will have failed the test and that will open up the flood gates for tons of future urgent requests. That in turn will put additional preasure on you releationship. By the way officially the law was changed so they are not allowed to hold a patent hostage for payment, but they will do it if you let them.

Good rules to follow:

1. Immediate family only

2. Trust but verify

3. Trust but Verify

4. Trust but verify

Nice to know the hospitals now can not hold you hostage if you can noy pay the entire bill at discharge time. Thanks for providing this information.

[BJZags 17]

The not paying the whole bill is good in theory if there are other members of the family who have cash reserves. If not, than you've just thrown money AT a problem, rather than solving the problem.

[chaice 0]

The not paying the whole bill is good in theory if there are other members of the family who have cash reserves. If not, than you've just thrown money AT a problem, rather than solving the problem.

I've been in this situation. I'm the wife of the USC, just that it's my younger sister who has to be operated. And of course, family in PI. ask me a little help for the expense in the hospital but not to pay all the expense. Same with the hospital said that they will not discharged the patient with unsecured bill. So I told my problem to my husband and he did help. I'm glad that me and my husband is so transparent to each other, and we're able to talk everything even the most ackwards one. I don't know, I think it's already a Filipino mentality to ask someone, specially on money matters.

[Maxx121 14]

I've been in this situation. I'm the wife of the USC, just that it's my younger sister who has to be operated. And of course, family in PI. ask me a little help for the expense in the hospital but not to pay all the expense. Same with the hospital said that they will not discharged the patient with unsecured bill. So I told my problem to my husband and he did help. I'm glad that me and my husband is so transparent to each other, and we're able to talk everything even the most ackwards one. I don't know, I think it's already a Filipino mentality to ask someone, specially on money matters.

Thats more than fair of your family, they dont expect all but some help. And honest when its immediate family like your sister its kinda a gimmee that you help.

I just hate when people think you should pay all, I just cant believe that an entire family cant come up with any spare money. and if that is the case then will the one family member who can be responsible for paying the entire familys bills?

[Gilles 4]

if you yourself is low on funds....DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY. i understand your wife wants to (supposedly) help a relative, but is your wife even considering your financial situation?

My wife does not consider our financial situation. She acts as if I have a hidden stash of money which can be used at any time for any reason. She has had opportunities to work full time to earn more money, but she hasn't pursued any of them.

She wants to have children and I do too, but when I ask her if she would rather put money in a baby fund to help cover the added expenses of having a child or sending the money to her family in the Philippines, she refuses to give me an answer.

[Gilles 4]

I've been in this situation. I'm the wife of the USC, just that it's my younger sister who has to be operated. And of course, family in PI. ask me a little help for the expense in the hospital but not to pay all the expense. Same with the hospital said that they will not discharged the patient with unsecured bill. So I told my problem to my husband and he did help. I'm glad that me and my husband is so transparent to each other, and we're able to talk everything even the most ackwards one. I don't know, I think it's already a Filipino mentality to ask someone, specially on money matters.

Part of the problem is that my wife is under the illusion that I'm "cheap", "stingy" and "hate her family". None of those are the case. As the one who is managing our finances, every important financial decision that doesn't involve each of our discretionary money needs to come through me. I make the decision to not send the money not out of hate or stinginess, but out of a concern for our own welfare. I try explaining this to my wife and she acts like I have some kind of hidden stash of tens of thousands of dollars.

[Gilles 4]

Danger Danger Will Robinson, the is the first of many tests on you releationship, and if you send them the money you will have failed the test and that will open up the flood gates for tons of future urgent requests. That in turn will put additional preasure on you releationship. By the way officially the law was changed so they are not allowed to hold a patent hostage for payment, but they will do it if you let them.

Good rules to follow:

1. Immediate family only

2. Trust but verify

3. Trust but Verify

4. Trust but verify

I've been tested many times and initially I dipped into our cash reserves a little more than what was comfortable. Since then I've cut back. You may read more at http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/232940-financial-support-to-my-wifes-family-in-the-philippines/

[chaice 0]

Part of the problem is that my wife is under the illusion that I'm "cheap", "stingy" and "hate her family". None of those are the case. As the one who is managing our finances, every important financial decision that doesn't involve each of our discretionary money needs to come through me. I make the decision to not send the money not out of hate or stinginess, but out of a concern for our own welfare. I try explaining this to my wife and she acts like I have some kind of hidden stash of tens of thousands of dollars.

Maybe that's what she thinks. Try to explain to her more that it's not the case. Communication is the best key to solved any problem or arguments.

In my point of view... a money that was given is easier to spend, than money that you've been worked hard...

[TravellingNomad 12]

Maybe that's what she thinks. Try to explain to her more that it's not the case. Communication is the best key to solved any problem or arguments.

In my point of view... a money that was given is easier to spend, than money that you've been worked hard...

i think he's had more than enough time when it comes to explaining to her their financial situation. it's the wife's mentality/outlook/attitude that is the problem. she has the "princess syndrome" where she expects Gilles to just be at her beck and call.

IMHO...if she portrayed to her family back home that she is sleeping in a bed made out of money, then she is giving her family false hope. it would be ok if she makes it seem like she's doing good out here....IF SHE HAS A STEADY GOOD PAYING JOB. but if she's depending on OP to just shell out everytime she or her family needs moolah, then that's something else.

Gilles, i've read your other posts about her not pulling her own weight when it comes to necessities. not to sound harsh...but maybe you really do need to just put your foot down. one post you stated that your wife said that if you didn't buy food for her, she will just starve herself. maybe you do need to one time not buy any food so it forces her to go out and buy groceries out of her own money. and maybe if she has a cellphone and it's under your name, it's time to transfer it under her name. same thing with the house phone. if she says she won't pay the bill...then that's fine, she'll have to find a way to call her relatives. and don't give her a lifeline when the services gets cut off. again...it's just a suggestion to let her know how important it is to do cost savings when there are bills to pay and necessities to buy. this way...she can experience what you're going through as far as budgeting is concerned.

[TravellingNomad 12]

My wife does not consider our financial situation. She acts as if I have a hidden stash of money which can be used at any time for any reason. She has had opportunities to work full time to earn more money, but she hasn't pursued any of them.

She wants to have children and I do too, but when I ask her if she would rather put money in a baby fund to help cover the added expenses of having a child or sending the money to her family in the Philippines, she refuses to give me an answer.

the fact that compared to her family back home, she's a bit better off is not an excuse to give you all this stress. she needs to stop acting like everything needs to revolve around her. she is sooo lucky to have found a guy as patient and as nice as you...pero nilalapastangan ka nya my friend. and guys like you don't deserve to be treated the way your wife is treating you.

maybe you're better off not having a child yet as of this time...given your situation and your wife's selfish attitude. at least until your wife starts to get her act together. your wife needs to be taught a good hard lesson when it comes to finances and being married.

[Maxx121 14]

You sir seem to me to be the non confrontational type SHE seems to be the spoiled brat type and they love a fight. No offence but you are spoiling her, if she was spoiled to begin with then you should have known what you were getting yourself into, if she wasnt and you made her this way then thats worse.

Solution:

Divorce, if its not that serious then you need to tap into the below:

Righteous indignation typically a reactive emotion of anger over perceived mistreatment, insult, or malice. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. In some Christian doctrines, righteous indignation is considered the only form of anger which is not sinful, e.g., when Jesus drove the money lenders out of the temple. (just just need to get the beggars out - alot harder if you ask me)

They are your family to now, and if it takes you picking up the phone and letting them know you are not rich, do that. It may get her upset but if she loves you then she will understand.

If it takes you letting the electricity get turned off and saying to her that this is your fault because your letting those people bleed me dry, then do it and get reeeeeaaaaallly pissed.

if you cant tap into that anger give me a call and i will have a couple of big black dudes come to your door claiming to be loan sharks telling your wife you owe them money and if you dont pay up they wil break both your legs.

I mean from what i can gather its been almost a year she has been here and if she still doesnt get it then maybe she wasnt the one. I mean you married her to be with her and care for her, not a bunch of money grubbing show offs that like to get stuff from the US to say they got something from the US tha tthey coudl ahve brought there for cheaper.

Oh and to me this is key, always have a plan with your money. If you dont have a house, then save up to buy a house, if you have a house, save up to buy another house. If you have two then save up to buy a house in the phills, and if you got it like that tehn you shouldnt be buggin about money. Alot of times your counterpart needs to see that the two of you have a goal in mind and they will not think of money in the bank as there to send back home.

[Loolie 56]

One, Gilles is tight with money right now as he admitted in his earlier post. Second, its a relative, not an immediate family. The relative could be his wife's cousin's cousin's counsin's cousin's in law. I'm not trying to be funny here. In the philippines, anyone could be a relative. Third, i read before that his wife has an attitude and this could be a way to get some money from him to send to her family.

Gilles could correct me if i'm wrong.

Thanks for the info. I dont have a good memory. hehehe

anyways to gilles, if you are force to help and send money for your wife's family then try to ask for the receipt or the hospital bill so you will know if the money was really for the hospital bill. My classmate in college before has a cousin, a filipina, who married a usc. Her cousin was the one supporting her financially in school and she always need to scan the receipt and send it to her cousin thru email. Receipts of whatever she pays for like the enrollment fee or books... maybe that will work for you since I guess you cant stop your wife. I also wonder why you cant just stop your wife and just be in control. Let your wife say what she wanna say.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

i was just going through different forums and what not,and gilles im not fully through with the link you mentioned,and i am also familiar with the fact that Filipinos like to support their families when possible ( noble to be honest ) but since you have a history,i wouldnt send a dime to your wife's family.

Fun Fact: its the same in iran,if you cant offer AT LEAST half of the bill required by the hospital,you wont be discharged,but then again 98% of iranians have insurance,and our major insurance companies have their own hospitals ( since they are government based ) where they treat patients for free.

Edited October 29, 2010 by ygr

[Matt and Evieve 1]

I wanna join the thread. This is the wife now.

I think the first key to this is transparency like what was mentioned above. Husband and wife should be honest to one another especially when it comes to money. A lot of couples nowadays get really complicate their relationship because of money. About this concern, there's really not wrong with asking as long as the need is urgent. And it's true that hospitals don't discharge their patients if bill isn't settled yet. Give a little help IF you have some and IF you know that it is really badly needed. In my case with my husband, I am the one who stopped him sending money to me. I can support myself now so I don't need more yet but if in some instances that I need his help, he is there to help me. I stopped him sending money to me regularly but I can see his bank statements; how much is coming in and out. So, we both have trust to one another.

So, cultivate trust and love for one another. I wish everything will go well. God bless us all!