Ramadan & overbearing WASP family

[sara535 15]

I totally agree with Msheeshas post. By hiding and being dishonest you are giving the impression that you are ashamed or embarassed by your conversion. look them in the eye, hold your head up and tell them you are fasting for Ramadan because you are Muslim/

[Carrie1978 2]

Asalamu Alikum sister, I had a similar situation and I'm sorry to hear that your family is reacting this way. My entire family disowned me because they can't see anything past their own faces. Allah will help you thru your struggles and will guide you to the right way to handle your family. The disbelievers will never be satisfied with what you are doing, do not live your life to please them.

Do not bother yourself with others negativity.

[mspain 1]

I totally agree with Msheeshas post. By hiding and being dishonest you are giving the impression that you are ashamed or embarassed by your conversion. look them in the eye, hold your head up and tell them you are fasting for Ramadan because you are Muslim/

I get that you're trying to give advice, but I don't think you know my family or the way things are down here. I'm not ashamed that I'm Muslim. I just can't deal with any of their ####### right now and certainly don't need them all coming over to my house banging on the doors to have an intervention and bringing the pastor to lay hands on me and speak in tongues over me. And yes, they WILL do that, because they've talked about doing it to my fiance. You also need to read about how pushy my family can be. They absolutely do not take No for an answer.

I really didn't want this to turn in to an advice forum, which I already mentioned from Tamara's post that I just started this forum for people to share stories about their difficulties with their families in converting to Islam and for us to be able to support each other, not try to criticize or attack each other. Thanks. Let's keep the tone right.

[Always+Forever 7]

I'm with u And every case is different, so I don't think anyone can really tell someone what they should do unless they are in their shoes I have family & friends that I have lost "because of the choices i've made" to marry a muslim man also. And I've just decided that it's their choice...as long as I am happy with the choice I make then that's all that matters Hope things get better Meghan. I know being a part just makes it that much harder to handle anything...let alone pressure from those that should be supporting. I just feel blessed that I have found so many supportive ppl through VJ.

Monica

[mspain 1]

Thanks Monica, you and Hicham have been in our thoughts and prayers since before June. Hoping everything works out for you two! And you're right- all that really matters is that you are at peace with the decisions you make because ultimately you are the one who has to live with them.

[Always+Forever 7]

Thanks Meghan...we keep on fighting Hope u have visa in hand soon!! I don't wish the refusal process pain on anyone!!

Monica

[mandyu1 5]

To the OP, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your family, but reading this has actually helped me a bit. I recently converted to Islam, and fortunately (in this case) I don't live anywhere near my family, so I am free to practice how I want without them bothering me. However, when they come to visit I try not to go out in public with them because of the veil, because I know what their reaction will be and its something I fear. And i don't fear so much because I don't want them mad at me but more because I don't want to disapoint them. Now, unlike your family, my family knows of my fiance and approves of him, even though he is muslim (my father is being cautious but thats about it). And when my parents found out I was going to marry him, my mother's main concern was if I was going to keep celebrating Christmas and Easter lol.

I have to agree what everyone else is saying (and I need to take my own advice), but it would probably be best if you told them now instead of waiting. The last thing you want is for them to not accept your marriage because they feel your fiance/husband forced you into this.

And its understandable why they would be upset, they love you, and they believe in their heart that their religion is right, so to them they feel you're losing your soul. However, I don't agree with the fact that they don't accept your fiance because he's muslim. They live in a country that allows freedom of religion, and that includes ALL religions. So although they may not believe in Islam, they should respect it and the people who practice it. This country was founded upon by people who came here to escape religious persecution, and so that all man kind could have the freedom to practice any faith they wanted and be treated equal. So if they have such a problem with other beliefs maybe you should suggest they move someplace that only allows the practice of Christianity

Good luck

Edited August 15, 2010 by mandyu1

[NancylovesAhmad 1]

This post is for sharing stories for people with similar experiences, not for ugly comments or advice. I also never mentioned being surprised as this has been going on for more than three years. Thanks for you opinion.

I completely agree Meghan. I dont really see what the point was of writing that. She is looking for similar stories and ideas on maybe how to improve this situation. Meghan, I think what you are doing is amazing and Allah will reward you. You will even be rewarded more for temptations that are put in front of you. Take care and hope you get some useful ideas and advice.

[Dream'nJordan 9]

Dear DreamnJordan

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad your family is finally accepting and is adapting well. I began speaking to my family about Islam years ago and bought books, etc. But my family did the same, only different... for example my dad would print out articles about true stories- one was a heterosexual moroccan man who had a relationship with a French man so that he could move to France. Also stories about honor killings and that stories that say the religion supports beating women. Terrorist stories. My aunt recently told me I was dead to her and she didnt know me- three years ago she said " How can light have union with dark?" Another aunt told me, before I moved to Spain to be with my fiance, wrote me a letter to tell me I was throwing my life in the garbage by marrying him. They'll leave out evangelical books about Muslims turned Christians and at dinner they'll pray for my fiance's mortal soul that he doesnt burn in hell. It's ridiculous! I'm fed up!!!

I was just trying to help sweety! I hope you didnt take offense to anything I said. I, like you had the same thing with my mom who said he could get me over there and keep me and if I did anything wrong he could have me stoned to death or beat me and his family could kill us both if they didnt agree to this marriage. Not saying that there are not bad Muslims out, but there are also people who call themselves "Christians" that dont deserve to call themselves that. Again, total ignorance because they have not been there and experienced it first hand. You have some very other good ideas listed on here from others, what ever you decide to do, I do wish you the best! Take care!

[sara535 15]

I get that you're trying to give advice, but I don't think you know my family or the way things are down here. I'm not ashamed that I'm Muslim. I just can't deal with any of their ####### right now and certainly don't need them all coming over to my house banging on the doors to have an intervention and bringing the pastor to lay hands on me and speak in tongues over me. And yes, they WILL do that, because they've talked about doing it to my fiance. You also need to read about how pushy my family can be. They absolutely do not take No for an answer.

I really didn't want this to turn in to an advice forum, which I already mentioned from Tamara's post that I just started this forum for people to share stories about their difficulties with their families in converting to Islam and for us to be able to support each other, not try to criticize or attack each other. Thanks. Let's keep the tone right.

heyyy, easy there. I'm not trying to criticize nor attack, my family is all from the south too.

but you put your story out there for other's opinions. perhaps I'm a little too cryptic, got a toddler running around here and limited time to write it all out.

good luck to you, I hope you can al find a solution that each of you can live with.

[Crossed_fingers 128]

Anybody have a similar story?

My fiance and I have been together for three years now. I was born into a Christian family, but made the decision to practice Islam. Three Ramadans ago, not yet a Muslima, I decided to do Ramadan as much as I could. My family would be mortified if I had told them, but I did mention my fasting to a cousin, and it later got back to my family that I was fasting and it was a scandal, but no one talked about it openly- just behind my back. Last year I was fortunate enough to be living in Granada where my fiance lives and was able to do Ramadan freely. Now I am back in the states awaiting my fiance and practicing Ramadan in my own home. My fiance thinks it is best we do no discuss my practicing Ramadan with my family because of how upset they would get and cause alot of problems for me. However, my mother has been picking at me since the first day of Ramadan to get me to eat, admit I am doing Ramadan, or just bring up the subject of Christianity with me. First of all, she called me up the first day of Ramadan to have dinner (scallops- my favorite) with them at six- I told her I'd be busy till later and might stop by. Then she started asking me what I ate for lunch in the cafeteria at the school where I work and went on about how they ought to have crawfish etoufee, shrimp scampi, baked chicken or whatever at the school. I finally told her I couldnt talk since she refused to change the subject. She called me back ten minutes later saying she was going to stop by my house to bring me some homegrown vegetables and some pastries, and she wanted me to make a pot of coffee. Told her I was going to be out running errands and hung up. She called me a couple of minutes later to say they would have dinner early and that I could run my errands later. Told her sorry, cant.

She knows exactly what she's doing and knows I'm fasting but wants to tempt me. So I never went over to their house and I broke fast at the appropriate time at home. I ignored her call the next day, but called her back Sat. morning. She said she wanted to go to this new store that just opened and did I want to go with her. I told her sure, but we'd leave at 9 cause I had to be back for 11 ( I did not want to get stuck with her at lunch). She shows up at my house at 1030, of course, we both silently know this is on purpose. Anyway we go to the new store, then to the bank. I needed to stop by target to get something, but on the way (she's driving, my mistake, I shouldve driven) she says we ought to go to my favorite cafe and get my favorite salad there. I told her I didnt have time and needed to be back soon cause I had to be at work at 1. So what does she do? Orders it to go. I tell her really, Im not hungry and I'll eat later.

So shes being very obnoxious about it all and waves the food in my face when she gets back in the car. I'm trying not to make too big of a deal but shes really overdoing it. We get back to my place. She starts dishing everything up, I tell her not to get me a plate cause I still have to get ready for work, etc. and I'll eat later. She refuses and almost physically forces me to eat with her. I tell her to stop being childish and pushy and that I'm leaving for work, shell have to eat alone. She says "NO Come back and tell me why you're not eating. Jesus would want you to eat. Come back." I ask her if she knows how to lock up after herself and I leave the house for work.

I call my fiance on the way and tell him the ordeal. He tells me I did right in not eating and that I have to be a little harsh with her so she'll stop. She is seriously pushy!

He tells me I ought to be nice to her next time, but let her know I'm not going to put up with any foolishness. So later when she calls I hesitate to answer, but pick up. She wants to know at 5:30 if I want to eat crabs. I tell her maybe, that I'm taking a nap and I'll let her know later. She asks me if I'm taking a nap because I'm hungry, I tell her I'm taking a nap because I'm tired. She asks me if I will go with her to church tomorrow, I say maybe. She says " that sounds like no to both" and I tell her I'm tired and I'm going back to nap.

I never went to her house or anything so here I am. The big pink elephant in the room. They know, I know, but no one wants to say the R word and I know if someone says it, they will launch a Christian "jihad" on me and will make a huge deal for months about it just like they did when I got engaged "to a Muslim".

I'm pretty much disgusted with their behavior and wish my family would stop the pushiness and the evangelizing. You cant force anyone to do anything even if they are your child.

They same thing happened when I stopped eating pork and drinking alcohol several years ago and they still try to get me to eat/ drink it.

Anyone have any similar stories?

Oh, my gosh, you have just described my life, except with a lot less seafood. My parents are not big drinkers AT ALL but they do enjoy wine with "special occasion" dinners and some other nice evenings. They don't sit around and get drunk or anything, but one evening they might watch a movie and have a glass of wine with some strawberries and chocolate or something. Before converting, I was also a foodie who enjoyed wine with certain meals. I stopped eating pork many years ago so that wasn't a tip-off and we don't live together so they can't hassle me about Ramadan the way your mother is, but maaaaaaaaaaaaan they pressure me about wine. You'd think I was sinning by NOT drinking the wine! What you described really resonates with me, because my parents treat it in the same way. They don't come out and TALK about it openly, they just push, and push, and push, and push. "Why don't you have some wine? Don't you like wine anymore? It's a pinot, that's your favorite. Oh, it goes so well with the meat, wow, you should try this. Just a sip. Why won't you take just a sip? How about a small glass. Aren't you going to toast with us? When was the last time you had any wine?"

[mspain 1]

I was just trying to help sweety! I hope you didnt take offense to anything I said. I, like you had the same thing with my mom who said he could get me over there and keep me and if I did anything wrong he could have me stoned to death or beat me and his family could kill us both if they didnt agree to this marriage. Not saying that there are not bad Muslims out, but there are also people who call themselves "Christians" that dont deserve to call themselves that. Again, total ignorance because they have not been there and experienced it first hand. You have some very other good ideas listed on here from others, what ever you decide to do, I do wish you the best! Take care!

No offense taken. Sorry if it came off like I was.... I guess I shouldve taken that last post and split it in two.

I sincerely meant what I said when I said I enjoyed your story and that I was glad your family has become more accepting.

[mspain 1]

Oh, my gosh, you have just described my life, except with a lot less seafood. My parents are not big drinkers AT ALL but they do enjoy wine with "special occasion" dinners and some other nice evenings. They don't sit around and get drunk or anything, but one evening they might watch a movie and have a glass of wine with some strawberries and chocolate or something. Before converting, I was also a foodie who enjoyed wine with certain meals. I stopped eating pork many years ago so that wasn't a tip-off and we don't live together so they can't hassle me about Ramadan the way your mother is, but maaaaaaaaaaaaan they pressure me about wine. You'd think I was sinning by NOT drinking the wine! What you described really resonates with me, because my parents treat it in the same way. They don't come out and TALK about it openly, they just push, and push, and push, and push. "Why don't you have some wine? Don't you like wine anymore? It's a pinot, that's your favorite. Oh, it goes so well with the meat, wow, you should try this. Just a sip. Why won't you take just a sip? How about a small glass. Aren't you going to toast with us? When was the last time you had any wine?"

Oh my gosh, they do that too with wine! I know what you mean about it's almost a sin NOT to drink. Once my mom tried to spike some lemonade and get me to drink it, but I got a whiff of it and outsmarted her. It's like it's the same childish game of push and pull. ...The sip thing is what kills me- I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. Oh and we have Mardi Gras here and if you aren't drinking they think something is wrong with you.

[Staashi 371]

Meghan - my father used to always say - "You can pick your nose, you can pick your seat, but you can't pick your family." Knowing that, if you cannot find peace and harmony with them remove yourself from the equation. You are in a very hostile situation and I fear it will get worse in the future when your fiance comes to the US. Yes, this is a truly fvcked up predicament, one that I cannot foresee a happy ending.

Sister, good luck and God bless.

[Crossed_fingers 128]

FWIW, I also converted during Ramadan 2009 and I haven't told most of my family, and I don't plan on telling them until well after my fiance arrives here and we get married and established. It is a difficult decision either way, but I'm not delaying out of shame. My reasoning is two-fold. First, my parents are very strict Catholics and I think they will do best if this news reaches them gradually. For YEARS and YEEEEARS now I've been making slooooow progress. First explaining why I didn't go to church anymore...later suggesting why I didn't think I'd ever go back...later explaining some of my problems with the Catholic church specifically....later explaining my problems with Christianity generally.... At this point, they know that I don't believe in the Trinity but I do think that Jesus was giving a message of God, I just think it got jumbled along the way. Given that I'm marrying a Muslim man, I'm not sure how much further we really need to go anyway, but I'm trying to explain my religious beliefs to them in baby steps since mine are so different from theirs. Just getting to the point where they know I'm not a Christian has been a long journey, but I really do think our conversations have been MUCH more civil and understanding because I've introduced things in baby steps rather than a bombshell. My second reason for waiting is that I AM marrying a Muslim man, and while I didn't convert for him or because of him, I fear that if I announce my conversion now it will forever be linked in their heads to him. Also, they're pretty fair people and they're not racist against North Africans or prejudiced against Muslims, but they've never been very close to any Muslims. My hope is that as they get to know my fiance (future husband) better and see him around at routine, daily events, then the concept of "Muslim" will gradually become less foreign and threatening to them. I have been honest with them that we will have a Muslim nikkah, combined with a non-denominational/non-religious "Western" type ceremony that will be more accessible for a lot of my family here. I've also told them that we'll raise any kids we have Muslim. Again, I'm trying to strike a balance between being fair to them and respecting their need to know what I'm getting into, but also trying to minimize misunderstandings and harsh words that can't really be taken back.

Everyone's family is different. I certainly empathize with what the OP is going through. I don't like hiding anything from my family, and I don't like carrying on my religion behind some secrecy. However, I think if I came out about it all today, it would cause unnecessary pain and stress. I know my family, and I know they will eventually come around, and I don't want them to do something rash like skip our wedding because they blame my fiance and then a year later after they've cooled down realize what they missed out on. This isn't to say that one way is better than any other, or that I've found the best path. It's a hard, messy situation no matter what - and as we all seem to agree, it's not at all surprising that it is such a challenge. Some families may feel more betrayed at the lie than at the conversion itself; I am positive that my family has different priorities.

Anyway, I'm not in the position to offer any advice to the OP on this topic, just sharing what is tentatively and prematurely seeming to work for me. Everyone has to navigate their own family dynamic the way they think is best. Our situations sound similar (religious Christian parents, same timing on the conversion, wanting to wait until after our fiances are here to confront it head-on), so I thought I'd share what I'm doing, but it's a work in progress and each family is different. Hope this is at least somewhat helpful as one person's perspective.