divorce rate/mena/couples

[mandyu1 5]

My ex is part MENA (he was born here in the US), his mother is American and his father was from Yemen. As a young child he use to watch his father beat his mother so severely to the point of putting her in the hospital. After we married he slowly began to show signs of abuse, and over time it did escalate to the point of him physically abusing me and threatening my life. Now I'm not saying he learned this from his father, as I firmly believe that a person is responsible for their own actions and they know the difference between right and wrong. But I have to agree I was much more fearful of him when I left. There were many of times I tried to leave him before and he would simply tell me that he would kill me if I did, and his own mother even said she feared for my life. So I stayed, but not so much because of fear for myself, but also fear for my family. I knew what he was capable of, and I feared he would harm them in some way to get to me. In addition to his violent behavior he was also an alcholic and I discovered he was using drugs. After many prayers he was caught stealing (3 dollars and a six pack of beer with a knife) and was charged with armed robbery. I took this as a sign that it was my chance to get out, and I did. I left him and filed for divorce while he was in jail. I have 2 children with him and he lost all parental rights to both of them. Over the years I have been able to keep track of him thru the internet and department of corrections, and I know he has been released, and I have heard thru the grapevine that he has been looking for me and wants to see his kids. After 10 years of being away from him, I still fear for my life, in his eyes not only did I leave but I also took his children away. I have spent the last decade some what living in hiding, my last name has since changed, I have changed both of my childrens names, my parents have moved, I have relocated across the country, and everything I do I have to constantly think of "will he be able to find me if I do this," and my life will always be like this.

Some people don't understand why battered women stay in relationships, and until you experience it you never can completely understand it. I think the biggest problem is that when someone hears of a woman being abused they simply don't want to get involved, this is seen as a private issue and its easier to turn the other way, and the law does not require us to be a good samaritan

[Mithra 1,185]

Thank you for sharing your story, Mandy. You are very brave to do what you did.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Mandy

[Staashi 371]

Bless you, Mandy. May you know peace.

[msheesha 548]

Thank you for sharing that Mandy. I hope you remain safe, and some day soon don't have to worry about your safety.

I think other women (including myself) can get judgemental and get on our high horses about why women just don't leave very violent and abusive relationships. But, the statistics seem to reflect how dangerous it is to leave as well.

[And_Sam 44]

You are one of the brave ones Mandy. Stay strong and stay safe!

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Thank you for sharing that Mandy. I hope you remain safe, and some day soon don't have to worry about your safety.

I think other women (including myself) can get judgemental and get on our high horses about why women just don't leave very violent and abusive relationships. But, the statistics seem to reflect how dangerous it is to leave as well.

To Mandy

Everytime my biological mother tried to leave with us kids, my biological father would say he would find us and kill her. I heard it over and over again. Everytime we did leave, he did find out and he did beat her. So, whether she stayed she was beaten, whether she left she was found and beaten, and eventually in 1987 she was murdered by him in front of all 3 of us kids. Happens everywhere. No country or culture is exempt from such Domestic Violence.

Edited July 30, 2010 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[And_Sam 44]

Wow Tamara

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm so sorry, Tamara.

[mandyu1 5]

You are one of the brave ones Mandy. Stay strong and stay safe!

Thank you everyone

To Mandy

Everytime my biological mother tried to leave with us kids, my biological father would say he would find us and kill her. I heard it over and over again. Everytime we did leave, he did find out and he did beat her. So, whether she stayed she was beaten, whether she left she was found and beaten, and eventually in 1987 she was murdered by him in front of all 3 of us kids. Happens everywhere. No country or culture is exempt from such Domestic Violence.

OMG Tammy, I'm so sorry

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Tamra I've known about your past though for a long time. In the 3 years that I've been on VJ I've never shared my abusive past story until recently. I don't know why I never talked about it when these threads come up but abuse crosses all cultures. My parents were childhood sweethearts marrying at the ages of 16 and 19. My dad when off to the Vietnam war shortly after that and my Mom said he never came back the same. He was in the Army for several more years being stationed in Germany after that where my two older brothers were born. My Mom said my Dad started abusing her after he came back from the war. Kicking her on the floor until she played dead. She wanted to leave him but she couldn't. They were part of the Mormon church and the Bishop always tried to get them to work it out. My Dad always said he would kill her and us if she left. They moved to Texas and my Mom left him and drove to Idaho where she stayed with her parents and got a divorce but then found out she was pregnant with me and they told her to go back to our Dad. So they got remarried before I was born on their wedding anniversary. In Texas they had me and my younger brother. The abuse continued and I have faint haunting memories of early childhood hearing my Mom screaming. He broke some of her teeth out 33 years ago and she had to wear a partial. I was 6 when my Mom left my Dad again. This time for good. In the divorce my dad told my mom she could have the kids if he got all the money. In a divorce you can go back for the kids but you can't go back for the money. My mom being raised a Mormon back then was only taught to be a house wife. She had no money or work experience. The kids were everything to her and she wanted to get out of an abusive situation. Six months later he remarried what we kids call our evil step-mother. He took the two older boys and told our mom he was coming back for the two younger kids. She had no money to fight him so they got us. It was the worst thing they could do to her to hurt her but they did even worse after that. They moved us from San Antonio where our Mother was to Houston which was 4 hours away. Then the abuse started almost immediately. They told us our Mother was dead and that we'd never see her again. That our new step mom was our mom and to call her Mom. Both of them beat us and called us names almost daily. Our Mom tried to come see us on weekends but they would take all of us kids in two cars and go have ice cream or the movies. Then one of them would take a car and drive back around the neighborhood block to see if she was still there. Sometimes we were gone late into the night until they made sure she had drove back the 4 hours to San Antonio. My Mom had hardly any money and what she would scrap together she tried to come to get us for the weekends or send us presents. I remember watching my step-mom cross my mothers married name off the packages and write her maiden name on them and put return to sender. So we never got our card, our presents, or our time with our Mom and on top of that they continued to abuse us. It is sick people who use children as pawns in a divorce to hurt the other. This went on from the ages of 6-10 and the abuse got progressively worse. I tried going to the school counselors and telling my story when I was 8 but my step-mom was good friends with the office staff. The counselor would call them and tell them what I had said and then I would be beaten more. The counselor explained to me that if I came in and showed her more evidence that they'd break up my entire family and my brothers would go into foster care and I may never see them again. I couldn't take the responsibility for affecting so many lives at that young age. Then when I was 10 one day they moved us to Idaho without telling our Mom were we were. She had custody rights to us but she had to pay cops to come to the door to enforce her rights and that was getting expensive. They moved us out of state basically full on kidnapping us instead of the most of the time kidnapping us from our Mom and the abuse was continued in the most horrific ways. In Idaho I learned from my Grandma that my Grandpa abused her and the kids and he was abused by his Step-Mom. Abuse passes down in families and it takes 4 generations to stop the cycle sometimes. The same abuse my grandma endured from my grandpa my mom endured from my dad but worse because he also stole her kids from her and abused them which is why she left him to save her kids from that. At 14 I couldn't take it anymore and tried to kill myself. I went into police custody and was taken to a mental hospital. After that the court ordered that I receive therapy. My dad took me out of that against court orders because of what I'd tell them and the abuse I'd still receive. It was a no win situation until my oldest brother, who had run away when he was 13 because my dad threw him through our glass window by the front door, came to see me with a message from our mom. On my 15th birthday I spoke to my Mom in secret with a 1-800 number our new step-dad had gotten. It had been years since we spoke and I couldn't believe it was her. December 23, 1993 I met my Grandma on my Mom's side for the first time as she chaperoned my younger brother and I to Texas to live with out Mom. I was glad to be released and the abuse to be over but found that in our new home our Mom and Step-Dad fought just as fiercely as the last house we were in. I moved out when I was 16 and lived with them on and off until I was 19. Mostly away from their house living with my friends and trying to make my own way in life. When I was 20 my Dad had divorced my step-mom the year prior and they both moved back to Texas and I got out of there and moved back to Idaho and got to know my Mom's side of the family for the first time.

I've tried to tell my Husband about my abusive childhood but he doesn't want to hear any of it. He doesn't understand it at all. He says his family has never treated each other that way ever or even raised their voices at each other in anger. Only one time when he was a teen did he get slapped for being ignorant with his father he said and it was shocking to everyone and his dad was so sorry. My Husband never wants to hear my stories and tells me to let the past lay in the past, but abuse casts a long shadow.

[mandyu1 5]

wow Olivia thanks for sharing your story.

It is very sad, domestic violence is a vicious cycle and it hurts all those involed. And the case of your school counselor scaring you with the things she said, is just like I said, when people hear of domestic violence they don't want to get involved. I think things have some what improved over the years, but its still hard. Its especially hard for women in your moms situation, maybe with no money or no college education to get a job to support her family, you feel trapped. That was one of the issues with me and when I finally left him I said to myself, I will never NEVER be financially dependant on a man again, and from there I returned to school for my degree.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

That's why my Mom was so adamant about me finishing college all these years. I couldn't have done it without her. I'm the first female in my family on both sides to get get a 4 year degree but it took me 12 years to do it. She had to finish high school by correspondence in Germany. Later in life she did get an associates degree as an aviation mechanic which she never used.

I told myself I would never ever get with someone abusive and I never have. Only once did I have a guy that I dated for two week slap me upside the head for nothing and made my earring fly out. I called him an immature a-hole and left and never saw him again except to meet him once in a public place with people around to return a CD.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Cleocatra

[Mithra 1,185]

Cleo

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

That's why my Mom was so adamant about me finishing college all these years. I couldn't have done it without her. I'm the first female in my family on both sides to get get a 4 year degree but it took me 12 years to do it. She had to finish high school by correspondence in Germany. Later in life she did get an associates degree as an aviation mechanic which she never used.

I told myself I would never ever get with someone abusive and I never have. Only once did I have a guy that I dated for two week slap me upside the head for nothing and made my earring fly out. I called him an immature a-hole and left and never saw him again except to meet him once in a public place with people around to return a CD.