new here but needs help

[divorcing 0]

Hi All!

I really need help. I am from Seattle WA and been here in the US for a year and a month by CR1 visa. Housewife. My country of origin is Philippines.

I don't know where to start... I'm married to an alcoholic. We've been married for 3 years now and have a two year old daughter together. He goes to the bar every after work, every night, this includes weekends. When he gets home, he drinks more (he always has a full bottle of alcohol in our pantry to get him covered). He's so alcoholic that he wouldn't even remember that we talked or agreed about something or that we slept together (which only happened 3 times since I got here in the US) the other night. This is embarrassing but it's true. I have no issue with him bringing home the bacon because he keeps a good paying job. I am a low maintenance wife, I don't shop clothes, when I need to get my jacket for winter, I got it from walmart and for it for sale. My family in the Philippines are also not asking money from me so basically, we don't have any problem on that part. The problem started on his Alcohol and later on his refusing to sleep with me since August of last year. I was ok with it though it was really hurting my pride but I was ok to stick with the marriage for the sake of our daughter.

Just a month ago, he was out of the country (work related). He asked me to call the bank to put money on our other account which I did but the bank people told me that I could set up an account online under the same account we shared, and I can do this stuff without calling them. So, I did that. And last week, 2 days before he got home from abroad, I checked our account for just some reason, and I found out that he was subscribing to this friendfinder account which charged him almost 30 dollars every month. And I checked the history of the bank statement (which only limit me to check from January of this year), that it's been there for a while, a recurring charge every month. I still was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I gave him a warm welcome when he came home because it was his birthday. Two days after that, I asked him about the charge and he said he didn't know anything about it. I asked him to call the bank if he wasn't aware of it so he could cancel any incorrect charges and joked that he could give me the money every month so I could get myself a nice clothes, but he didn't call the bank. I started to get really offended and he admitted to me that he was a subscriber. I called the friendfinder and cancelled the account. He refused to cancel it himself. I don't know his password so calling the customer service with credit info helped.

Right now, I'm really hurt. He's gone again to the bar right at this moment. I want to divorce him but I'm so scared. I don't have money in my hands. How can I hire a lawyer? We share the same account but if I take money from there, he would know for sure because he checks the account regularly I suppose. I don't know if my daughter and I will survive. I don't have friends here since I don't go out ( I don't drive but takes a bus) and if I do, I don't mingle because of my family issues. I am insecure. I am scared. Most of all, I'm confused.

I know my post is long but I hope you give me a chance and read this story and give me any insight on what to do.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

You held on for a long time. Hold on until you have your 10-year Green Card, then have a talk with him in the presence of a neutral person, ideally a marriage councelor. Tell him that you love him and that you played along for over 3 years but now it's either the alcohol or the marriage. Either he sobers up or you move out.

All that said, trying to convert a hardcore alcoholic is like climbing a wall with only one arm and one leg. Very few people can pull this off, the majority falls down until they hit rock bottom.

[sasaqlain 24]

Once Again I agree with Just Bob.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Quitely endure your life till you receive your permanent Green Card. Confrontation will only complicate your life, especially with an Alcoholic. In the meantime start looking for a job or some sort of arrangement that will help you during the worst case scenerio(Leaving Him)as you will need to be financialy independant once you are on your own in this country. Good Luck and May God bless you and your child with a happy life.

[w8inglongtime 29]

You held on for a long time. Hold on until you have your 10-year Green Card, then have a talk with him in the presence of a neutral person, ideally a marriage councelor. Tell him that you love him and that you played along for over 3 years but now it's either the alcohol or the marriage. Either he sobers up or you move out.

All that said, trying to convert a hardcore alcoholic is like climbing a wall with only one arm and one leg. Very few people can pull this off, the majority falls down until they hit rock bottom.

I second that. Start saving evidence of your marriage. Bills, bank statements etc. Come here when you're ready to file for ROC and you will get all the answers. You'd only need his signature. I don't think divorce is the answer to your problem especially since you have a baby involved. He needs help not divorce. Try talking to him about it when he's not drunk and see his reaction. Most people with addictions do not want to hear the truth so back off when he gets upset. After you get the 10 yr card, you can have a sit down with him and discuss what his drinking is doing to your marriage and suggest he gets help. If you see no end to this problem, then you can contemplate divorce but I will advise you to explore all avenues for the sake of your child. Divorce should only come up when all options have been exhausted. Good luck and hopefuly he turns a new leaf sooner than later.

[april082010 3]

Hi All!

I really need help. I am from Seattle WA and been here in the US for a year and a month by CR1 visa. Housewife. My country of origin is Philippines.

I don't know where to start... I'm married to an alcoholic. We've been married for 3 years now and have a two year old daughter together. He goes to the bar every after work, every night, this includes weekends. When he gets home, he drinks more (he always has a full bottle of alcohol in our pantry to get him covered). He's so alcoholic that he wouldn't even remember that we talked or agreed about something or that we slept together (which only happened 3 times since I got here in the US) the other night. This is embarrassing but it's true. I have no issue with him bringing home the bacon because he keeps a good paying job. I am a low maintenance wife, I don't shop clothes, when I need to get my jacket for winter, I got it from walmart and for it for sale. My family in the Philippines are also not asking money from me so basically, we don't have any problem on that part. The problem started on his Alcohol and later on his refusing to sleep with me since August of last year. I was ok with it though it was really hurting my pride but I was ok to stick with the marriage for the sake of our daughter.

Just a month ago, he was out of the country (work related). He asked me to call the bank to put money on our other account which I did but the bank people told me that I could set up an account online under the same account we shared, and I can do this stuff without calling them. So, I did that. And last week, 2 days before he got home from abroad, I checked our account for just some reason, and I found out that he was subscribing to this friendfinder account which charged him almost 30 dollars every month. And I checked the history of the bank statement (which only limit me to check from January of this year), that it's been there for a while, a recurring charge every month. I still was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I gave him a warm welcome when he came home because it was his birthday. Two days after that, I asked him about the charge and he said he didn't know anything about it. I asked him to call the bank if he wasn't aware of it so he could cancel any incorrect charges and joked that he could give me the money every month so I could get myself a nice clothes, but he didn't call the bank. I started to get really offended and he admitted to me that he was a subscriber. I called the friendfinder and cancelled the account. He refused to cancel it himself. I don't know his password so calling the customer service with credit info helped.

Right now, I'm really hurt. He's gone again to the bar right at this moment. I want to divorce him but I'm so scared. I don't have money in my hands. How can I hire a lawyer? We share the same account but if I take money from there, he would know for sure because he checks the account regularly I suppose. I don't know if my daughter and I will survive. I don't have friends here since I don't go out ( I don't drive but takes a bus) and if I do, I don't mingle because of my family issues. I am insecure. I am scared. Most of all, I'm confused.

I know my post is long but I hope you give me a chance and read this story and give me any insight on what to do.

If he's an alcoholic, that still can be fixed. He might need to go to rehab to resolve all the stuff related to his drinking which causing your family a big problem.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

Heavy addiction can only be solved when the addicts wants this more than life itself. Nobody can be cured from an addiction without their whole-hearted efforts.

An alcoholic will be an alcoholic all his life and most alcoholics go in an out of rehab for years, sometimes decades. My wife's late dad was an AA member and sober for 37 years, yet still said it was hard for him to keep this up, day after day after day.

One chocolate brandy bean, one sip of champagne on New Year's and the train to hell is speeding up again . . .

I have personally been in contact with alcohol and drug addicts, I have seen things that I like to forget, and it's so unbelievable hard to win this fight. It can eat a person up from the inside out until nothing is left, no dignity, no life, no hope, no future. I venture to say that most people can't even imagine what hell an addiction really is.

[Dempsey 0]

helllo Kabayan...i feel sad when i read ur post,,,i am here in washington dc,,,if u need someone to talk i'm her,,just add in your account and i will give u my #,,,just pray dont lost hope,,,pilipina din ako..

[w8inglongtime 29]

Heavy addiction can only be solved when the addicts wants this more than life itself. Nobody can be cured from an addiction without their whole-hearted efforts.

An alcoholic will be an alcoholic all his life and most alcoholics go in an out of rehab for years, sometimes decades. My wife's late dad was an AA member and sober for 37 years, yet still said it was hard for him to keep this up, day after day after day.

One chocolate brandy bean, one sip of champagne on New Year's and the train to hell is speeding up again . . .

I have personally been in contact with alcohol and drug addicts, I have seen things that I like to forget, and it's so unbelievable hard to win this fight. It can eat a person up from the inside out until nothing is left, no dignity, no life, no hope, no future. I venture to say that most people can't even imagine what hell an addiction really is.

Geez just Bob, How about being a little supportive of this poor woman. There's no denying what you're saying. Addiction is a hard thing to break but there are countless number of people (including your father in-law) who have won the fight against it so maybe we can all shed light on the positive instances we know about instead of painting this dark picture over and again.

Ps//. I'm not saying it's wrong to point out the negative facts, I'm just saying she is already LIVING the negative side of the problem so we should encourage her to help her husband fight it and ultimately save her marriage.

[Old Dominion 26]

Your husband has an illness and will always suffer from the disease. However, with help, he can learn to live with it. If he won't go for help, there is nothing you can do. After you get the I-751 filed, confront him directly with the fact that he will lose his wife and daughter if he doesn't seek help. Get prepared to stand on your own two feet no matter what.

[sasaqlain 24]

Geez just Bob, How about being a little supportive of this poor woman. There's no denying what you're saying. Addiction is a hard thing to break but there are countless number of people (including your father in-law) who have won the fight against it so maybe we can all shed light on the positive instances we know about instead of painting this dark picture over and again.

Ps//. I'm not saying it's wrong to point out the negative facts, I'm just saying she is already LIVING the negative side of the problem so we should encourage her to help her husband fight it and ultimately save her marriage.

I think Just Bob was right to be direcnt and Honest. You cannot cure an addict just because YOU want to. Unless he realizes it and is not in denial, there is no CURE. And have you all skipped that fact that the GUY is cheating on her. Why are you people feeling sorry for him. Acholic or not, its no excuse.

[happywifeymom 4]

Hi All!

I really need help. I am from Seattle WA and been here in the US for a year and a month by CR1 visa. Housewife. My country of origin is Philippines.

I don't know where to start... I'm married to an alcoholic. We've been married for 3 years now and have a two year old daughter together. He goes to the bar every after work, every night, this includes weekends. When he gets home, he drinks more (he always has a full bottle of alcohol in our pantry to get him covered). He's so alcoholic that he wouldn't even remember that we talked or agreed about something or that we slept together (which only happened 3 times since I got here in the US) the other night. This is embarrassing but it's true. I have no issue with him bringing home the bacon because he keeps a good paying job. I am a low maintenance wife, I don't shop clothes, when I need to get my jacket for winter, I got it from walmart and for it for sale. My family in the Philippines are also not asking money from me so basically, we don't have any problem on that part. The problem started on his Alcohol and later on his refusing to sleep with me since August of last year. I was ok with it though it was really hurting my pride but I was ok to stick with the marriage for the sake of our daughter.

Just a month ago, he was out of the country (work related). He asked me to call the bank to put money on our other account which I did but the bank people told me that I could set up an account online under the same account we shared, and I can do this stuff without calling them. So, I did that. And last week, 2 days before he got home from abroad, I checked our account for just some reason, and I found out that he was subscribing to this friendfinder account which charged him almost 30 dollars every month. And I checked the history of the bank statement (which only limit me to check from January of this year), that it's been there for a while, a recurring charge every month. I still was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I gave him a warm welcome when he came home because it was his birthday. Two days after that, I asked him about the charge and he said he didn't know anything about it. I asked him to call the bank if he wasn't aware of it so he could cancel any incorrect charges and joked that he could give me the money every month so I could get myself a nice clothes, but he didn't call the bank. I started to get really offended and he admitted to me that he was a subscriber. I called the friendfinder and cancelled the account. He refused to cancel it himself. I don't know his password so calling the customer service with credit info helped.

Right now, I'm really hurt. He's gone again to the bar right at this moment. I want to divorce him but I'm so scared. I don't have money in my hands. How can I hire a lawyer? We share the same account but if I take money from there, he would know for sure because he checks the account regularly I suppose. I don't know if my daughter and I will survive. I don't have friends here since I don't go out ( I don't drive but takes a bus) and if I do, I don't mingle because of my family issues. I am insecure. I am scared. Most of all, I'm confused.

I know my post is long but I hope you give me a chance and read this story and give me any insight on what to do.

Hi there..i feel so sorry for you. Get some help to try to save the marriage for your child's sake. If he is not willing to do something for you and your child then he is not worth it.

Try to save the marriage and talk to him .If things don't work out then prepare yourself for the worst scenario. My filipina friend was in the same situation like you.. she prepared for it,,learned how to drive. got a job now she is happilly divorced and she has the custody of their 3 yr. old daughter. Sad but it is better to be alone than be in an abusive relationship. Lastly Pray,pray coz prayers can move mountains. Good luck and God bless you.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Ugh. I would get out of all that, but definitely wait for the 10 yr GC for simplicity sake if it isn't that far off. Rarely do alcoholics turn themselves around and you don't want to give him too many chances if he does as they will keep telling you "ok, I promise THIS time" and it is a never ending merry-go-round of ups and downs and stress.

Sounds like the marriage started out on a bad foot and how can he not have sex with his new wife? What a weirdo. I don't understand why he would go through all that just to "throw" the marriage away. I can also tell you from experience the older the child is, the degree in difficulty for the child to adjust to divorce. The friendfinder subscription is worrying also (save the proof).

I would sit down with him and talk this through and let him know if this doesn't change, you will leave him. See what he does. Be firm. I am so sorry I don't even have the better advice despite the fact that I dealt with this myself for 10 years and within my family.

[w8inglongtime 29]

I think Just Bob was right to be direcnt and Honest. You cannot cure an addict just because YOU want to. Unless he realizes it and is not in denial, there is no CURE. And have you all skipped that fact that the GUY is cheating on her. Why are you people feeling sorry for him. Acholic or not, its no excuse.

You clearly missed my point. No one is feeling sorry for the guy per se. I feel sorry for the OP because the husband's behavior is having a toll on her mentally so if the guy gets help, the OP get peace of mind and a happy family. I'm looking at the positive that could come out of this if he gets the help he clearly needs. If you read my post in its entirety you'd notice I agreed with just Bob 100% pointing out the negetaives of addiction but I also said may be we can also mention that people have succeeded and the OP should not give up.

Also if you know much about addiction, (drug/alcohol) you'll know that most of the time, the last thing on an addicts mind is sex (unless he's a sex addict)so just because he's not sleeping with her doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating on her. The OP has enough on her plate so let's refrain from raising unfounded alarms just to further upset her unless you personally know the husband and having information the OP doesn't. If not do her a favor and stop speculating.

Edited June 21, 2010 by w8inglongtime

[ThaitoUSA 15]

http://www.aa.org Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is an option for your husband. As long as he is willing to go to the meetings, you can even offer to take him. People from all walks of life, in all degrees of disease have been healed through this program.

Whether your husband is willing to go or not, I strongly suggest you look into Al-Anon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ which is for spouses of alcoholics. You shall find much support and information there that shall benefit your daughter and yourself.

God bless

Edited June 21, 2010 by ThaitoUSA

[sasaqlain 24]

Also if you know much about addiction, (drug/alcohol) you'll know that most of the time, the last thing on an addicts mind is sex (unless he's a sex addict)so just because he's not sleeping with her doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating on her. The OP has enough on her plate so let's refrain from raising unfounded alarms just to further upset her unless you personally know the husband and having information the OP doesn't. If not do her a favor and stop speculating.

So, you are saying he is a friendfinder paid member just so he can socialize or something! Read the OP's post carefully. There are so many ways you can cheat on your spouse. And this is one of them in its most degrading form. Lets leave this topic at that since the main purpose of posting has been furnished. Our arguements are of no importance.