Yardies a home and a farrin - Part 26!

[Ellsinlove 2]

i understand 100% about they lying

i had a bf that pulled that ######, it hurt me to my core as well

i HATE HATE HATE HATE liers- don't underestimate me and decide for ME how you think i would react to the TRUTH

you think i don't want to hear the truth? you think it will "hurt' me- LET ME #$%#$ing decide that for myself!

what excuse does your hubby give for lying all the freaking time?

notice i said excuse- because i don't believe there can be a logical REASON for lying to your partner all the time

do you honestly see him changing this part of his personality?

ugh, this has me heated.... sorry

His excuses are exactly what you wrote in the 1st part, he doesn't want me to get mad (or hurt me) if he told the truth. I've asked him countless times, "when you tell me the truth, do I ever get mad?" and his answer is always "no". I don't know if he'll ever overcome chronic lying. This is what we are seeing right now...& I've given him a chance to redeem himself after we talked to the counselor & he repeated his behavior just a few weeks later so at this time, things are not looking so good. He gets one more chance, the 3rd time is the charm one way or another.

Ells, I love you to death and you know this. So, please take this with a grain of salt. You are harsh. I see A LOT of myself in you. I tend to fight for the thoughts in my head because I KNOW they are right. And, granted, they probably are. But, you have to take into consideration the other person. It's been a long journey for me to get to the point to say even if I am right, I may not be right for this particular situation. Flexibility. Compromise. And, sometimes you just say aw, #### it....no one is going to die if we don't do it this way. And, if he crashes and burns, I say good try.... not..... told you so!

But, he absolutely has to be honest. Everything else can be worked out. But, if he's lying about the little stuff, you tend not to trust him at all. Once that's gone, it's gone IMO. I mean really, if he lies about the sandwich he just ate, am I going to believe him about something big like talking to a woman? I think not. Ask him why he lies about the little stuff EVERY time you catch him. Maybe there is a pattern.....like.....and, I'm sorry, Ells....like you overreact and he can't take that. YOU have to work on the overreacting part. HE has to work on the lying. No one person is to blame for everything. Work on it one day at a time, my friend.

Like Lady C, this will take time.

I am harsh. I really do have poor relationship skills. I've been conditioned to be this way to protect myself so it's true what you say. And you're so right, I'm trying to work on my flexibility & compromising skills. I try real hard to let him find out things for himself & not rub it in his face if things don't go well. Just as long as it isn't going to negatively affect me, I let him learn for himself. But I too am a work in progress (with many steps backwards quite often it seems).

We are at a point where there isn't much trust in this relationship due to all the petty lies. I can be a nag but when it comes to him telling the truth & me overreacting, I'm not sure that's the problem. He always admits that I've never come down on him for being honest about something but when I catch him in lies, the ish hits the fan! Even the counselor said that when trust is gone (as is the case with us), it takes a long time to rebuild yet he doesn't seem to grasp that everything is not going to be okay right away & especially when he just keeps up with the lying. I hope I can still be here on VJ in a little less than 2 years chatting about ROC & how we've made it through the rough stuff. Also, I hope I can come on here chatting about some positive things instead of venting about our ####### but I'm grateful to have this place & you ladies since many of you have been through similar even if not in your current relationships. I know it gets old when one person is just complaining about ish all the time but you know, that's how it goes sometimes. I hope things turn around soon or that we come to some kind of decision.

[Ellsinlove 2]

I just wanted to shout out Ells real quick because I missed her on this board!!! I had to send a search and rescue team out for her

Awww, thanks Tee! I haven't been around much cause I've been going by the mantra my Mama taught me..."if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Since things have been a bit rough, I didn't want to come on here & bring my dark cloud with me. I can tell that I've done some of that by checking in & sharing my stuff. I think I'll have to go away until I can be a little brighter.

[sugarapple 1]

LOL!

Hey mama, I called the MRI center and was told my results was faxed the SAME DAMN DAY so I called the doc office to cuss out the medical assistant who does appointments and she must've smelled the rat because she said she made an appt for me for tomorrow but forgot to call and tell me. So I go tomorrow, I can't frigging wait coz I'm phocking fed up, evgerytime it's something

Can 1 young pickney like miself be so complicated medical wise? Jeez...

Oh I tried that too and they just turned me off from eating oreo period.

That is good that you got your appt for tomorrow let us know how it goes...The medical smell the heat coming through the phone..lol

Dont worry girl things will get better..

I young and have rheu. arthitis in my young age..cant bend down for nothing if i go down low I salt...I have to get injection every year..

[DedicatedWife 4]

Awww, thanks Tee! I haven't been around much cause I've been going by the mantra my Mama taught me..."if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Since things have been a bit rough, I didn't want to come on here & bring my dark cloud with me. I can tell that I've done some of that by checking in & sharing my stuff. I think I'll have to go away until I can be a little brighter.

Ells, I don't want you to go away but I know you have to handle home first. I'm going to PM you my number...call me seriously, if you ever need to vent or talk...I got some ears on me!

Remember the clouds don't last always...I know you are frustrated as any of us would be. I commend you for coming on here and sharing. Hugs to you!

For your hubby's sake, I pray he figures out sooner than later what these lies are costing him...I would hate for him to be on the outside looking in...wishing he would've of/could've of! Then all we go be able to say is poe thang!

[finesse 3]

Awww, thanks Tee! I haven't been around much cause I've been going by the mantra my Mama taught me..."if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Since things have been a bit rough, I didn't want to come on here & bring my dark cloud with me. I can tell that I've done some of that by checking in & sharing my stuff. I think I'll have to go away until I can be a little brighter.

I for one admire your honesty that you bring to the board...even if everything you say is about how crappy your relationship is going...some people act as tho theirs is soooooooooooooo perfect, yeah right barforama...what you are dealing with sounds shytty but that's life..you win some and you lose some

As far as your marraige goes, I don't know if I admire your willingness to keep trying....or wanna kick your #### for puttin up with it for so long..

i guess only you know when you have had enough..

[MRStee 19]

Awww, thanks Tee! I haven't been around much cause I've been going by the mantra my Mama taught me..."if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Since things have been a bit rough, I didn't want to come on here & bring my dark cloud with me. I can tell that I've done some of that by checking in & sharing my stuff. I think I'll have to go away until I can be a little brighter.

Well you take all the time you need sis, we will still be here!

[DedicatedWife 4]

I for one admire your honesty that you bring to the board...even if everything you say is about how crappy your relationship is going...some people act as tho theirs is soooooooooooooo perfect, yeah right barforama...what you are dealing with sounds shytty but that's life..you win some and you lose some

As far as your marraige goes, I don't know if I admire your willingness to keep trying....or wanna kick your #### for puttin up with it for so long..

i guess only you know when you have had enough..

Girl these men will embarrass the hell out of you...no one is exempt! I never say what mine will or will not do cause you honestly don't know. I pray that we continue on the right path but come on son, you can't put anything past anyone....coming from a family that has couples being married for 30 plus years...I have heard first hand the pretty and not-so-pretty!

Well you take all the time you need sis, we will still be here!

I just got one question...you got your school supplies ready, cause you're going back to school!

[sugarapple 1]

This here is serious. JaEnglish, you brought up some very powerful points in here.

I guess everyone's situation is different but this is honestly how I feel about my husband and our marriage. It's not perfect (no one person is) but you have to have that mutual respect and trust. I don't have time to be running behind Den...I'm not speaking or judging anyone else...I'm speaking for DW soley and I know I don't have the energy. I pray, I pray, I pray and we communicate!!!

Just like I joked on here yesterday...I don't want my husband only with men 100% of the time, oh no baby, I live in Atlanta and the men lurking just like these females Seriously, though, they are

Yes she brought it serious...My man can talk to who ever he chooses, but when the woman start to text back I still love you and will always love you.. Or I miss you babes give me a call.. I request that communication with this person stops...Cause his sorry excuse is I did not text her she text me and I dont know why she say that...Hmmm makes me wonder..

Plus I dont have time to check no one phone records been there done that and what is done in the dark will come to light my ex baby father thought that friends was telling me what he was doing not a thing went so..I notice a change and launch my own one man investigation..and there was mutliple women...

My fiancee which is my third son father I trust him and if he is doing anything it will come out when the time is right

DW LMAO at ATL men... my gurls up there does tell about them all the time...LMAO

[DedicatedWife 4]

Yes she brought it serious...My man can talk to who ever he chooses, but when the woman start to text back I still love you and will always love you.. Or I miss you babes give me a call.. I request that communication with this person stops...Cause his sorry excuse is I did not text her she text me and I dont know why she say that...Hmmm makes me wonder..

Plus I dont have time to check no one phone records been there done that and what is done in the dark will come to light my ex baby father thought that friends was telling me what he was doing not a thing went so..I notice a change and launch my own one man investigation..and there was mutliple women...

My fiancee which is my third son father I trust him and if he is doing anything it will come out when the time is right

DW LMAO at ATL men... my gurls up there does tell about them all the time...LMAO

Girl yes, it's rough up here being single in ATL...some of the men here are totally out of pocket! You gotta check the front and back of their boxers

[NatPatBen 3]

Chiney Eyes, congratulations on your 5th Anniversary!

DaDa, I imagine you're having a roller coaster of feelings about this upcoming move. Excitement, nervousness, nostalgia about what you're leaving behind, anticipation about what you're about to face. Hopefully you'll get the moving help you need.

Let me go see what else happened today. Lots of pages to read! Long time since that happened.

[jamerican 2]

Hello all....just checking in and wanted to comment on a couple of things...Happy mothers day past...

Hey ladies. I just wanted to offer a bit of input if I may. I have been reading where several of you are having trouble with your stepchildren in regards to rude, aggressive, acting out behaviors. I can only imagine how frustrating this is, and how quickly you want this to end. I just beg you to remember this: In the counseling field (and maybe social work), there is a theory called the "Law of Unintended Consequences". In a nutshell it basically says that when working on moving towards a desired change or outcome, there will be unanticipated or unintended "actions" that you might not have expected to encounter (and typically they aren't very pleasant). You must figure out how to deal with these unexpected actions or behaviors in such a way that you are all able to move to your desired changes. Also remember that when you are trying to teach new behaviors or habits, that you will almost ALWAYS see a significant spike in the negative behaviors, but over time, and with consistency, encouragement, and reinforcements, the negative behaviors will eventually begin to level out until they are gone altogether. Now I know I am not in anyone's shoes, but I'm just saying, having done counseling with children and families in both natural and blended families, I am aware of alot of what you ladies might be going through. I also think it is EXTREMELY important that both parents are presenting as a united front. If the child can see any fizzure or crack in the foundation, then dammit they're gonna pound on that crack until it completely gives way. I am hoping for the best for all the families here. I know how hard many of you have worked so that you could all be together.

I LOVE THIS>.....so nicely said...way to keep it positive

Hi Kimmy and JAE. Missed you guys.

In Ells defense, I think sometimes her choice of words in poor. I do not believe she meant to state it that way. I get what she's saying though. It's not about having friends of the opposite sex. It's not even about telling your SO about certain friends in particular. JAE is right in that you will probably never know ALL their friends of the opposite sex just cause you can't possible be around 24/7. What I think Ells is all about, and correct me if I'm wrong, Ells......it's about LYING about the whole thing and then her catching him. It's about his pattern of lying over stupid little things. Her rant was more or less if he could just be honest, it wouldn't be a thing.

That being said, I have mostly male friends. I would not do well if someone told me I couldn't have those friends cause of what MIGHT happen.

In LadyC's defense, that child is a handful. And, it is going to be a long, hard road for them. Would she send him back already? I am guessing no. I don't like the whole inferring that she might, one bit. But, I get why. It's a hard road and more stress at this point is not really what she saw in her future. So, what if she's talking about it? It's called venting. God, knows she probably needs us cause who else really understands at this point? Dad doesn't want to really upset the child cause he's probably just happy the child is here. It's going to take a lot of time and patiences and for lack of a better word, "training". Manners, adjusting to a new life, behavior modification....it's all going to take time. LadyC, the only thing I would ask is that you not use the words "send him back" unless you are prepared to do so. I can't stand those words thrown out there so easily by so many.

None of that is insurmountable. But, it's going to take a lot of time, patience, and communication. I'm so sorry both of you are going through tough times. I wish you both the very best.

another positive restating....medicine doesn't always have to taste bad to work!!!!

Hey why we got so many guest signed in? Come out Come out and chat wid us!!!

cause folks like to "look see" then go back on FB and complain about how bad VJ is now....

Oh I forgot to say that My hubby started his job today....

CONGRATS.....

[*JG* 2]

Girl yes, it's rough up here being single in ATL...some of the men here are totally out of pocket! You gotta check the front and back of their boxers

Ok.........Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

[jamerican 2]

Ok.........Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

I KNOW>.....I was just thinking the same thing!!!

[sugarapple 1]

Ok JaEnglish I dont know who or what rubbed you the wrong way but in no way that has anything to do with me or anyone else who voice their opinions on this board. You do not have to like what is said but you do have to respect people for saying whats on their minds. First off we only know each other from this board so no one has any right to judge any one. I did marry my husband and I also married his child just like he married mines. I thought my children manners and I also thought my children how to treat people. So if my kids got out of pocket with any one I would put a stop to it. I have raised 3 children and I did a great job as a single mother. So this is why I know how kids should behave. I also have a right to try and help my step son and if its not working I also have a right to send him back to his mom. Thats between me and my husband. I have talked to my husband about this before and after my step son came. You do not live in my home and I only voiced a few of his actions on here so you have no right to attack me for what I have to say. Yes its only been a week that should let you know just how bad it is. If you want to give advise then give it but by no means do you have to be nasty in giving it. Dont yell at me in your answer. I read things on here that I dont like and if I dont like it I dont comment. I do not rule my husband and my husband do not rule me but when it comes to his son we discuss everything. So any decision that is made for him will be by both of us. Thanks

Mi Like your response you had me waiting to long...AMEN to every word!!!!You have every right in any decision you make whether it be to send him back or to keep him..has he have a mother too..

[finesse 3]

Girl yes, it's rough up here being single in ATL...some of the men here are totally out of pocket! You gotta check the front and back of their boxers

wha yuh checkin fa?