What would you do?

[Dan and Ali 3]

Hey everyone. I need some advice and some perspective and I would really like to hear everyone's opinion. Please be honest; I have been talking to friends/family about it and I know I'm getting biased answers from them so I turn to all of you. I apologise because this is a bit long.

My fiance was in college when we met, one year away from completing his degree in computer science. He decided to take a break and move here to see how things would work out between us ... things went well, we got engaged We explored our options and then decided to apply for the K-1 visa for a few reasons ... the most prevalent reason being that my fiance needs to finish his schooling and the U of A is not going to transfer many of his credits (we called and spoke to an advisor before we applied for the K-1 who basically told us that a year's worth of his credits will not transfer), plus somehow university here will actually cost more than it would there! All of my fiance's immediate family lives in Utah and my family is scattered all around Alberta and Saskatchewan, so there's not really any family ties keeping us in Edmonton specifically (I will probably see my family just as much as I do now even when we live in America ... we're just not that close) and over the past few months all of my friends have moved away from Edmonton as well! We decided it would be a nice change of scenery and sent off our petition.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I have a moderately well-paying job that I do not like. I had applied for another job (a promotion) before we had even filed the K-1 petition and two weeks ago I received notification that I made it into the qualified pool. What this means is that when there is a position available, they go to the pool and make offers of employment. I have no idea how long it will take for the job to actually start -- it could be weeks, it could be months, it could even be years! (Not even kidding ... they take forEVER!) But this job would be substantially better than what I am doing now (I have helped out with this department in an acting role), not to mention much better paying. It is a direct promotion from my position now so the fact that I have made it into the pool means that I will be made an offer of employment once a position becomes available ... if/when it ever will is the problem.

Yesterday we received our NOA2 and while initially we were so stoked, I just started thinking ... is moving to the US really the best option for us right now? With the potential promotion and the increase in salary, we could probably afford for my fiance to finish his schooling here (but it will take longer than it would if he just finished things down there) plus we would have the benefits my job and Canada offer ... free health care, medical benefits, paid maternity leave, etc. And maybe it's coming down to the fact that I'm scared ... the prospect of moving down to Utah while my fiance is in school, not being able to work for a while (we have been saving to prepare for this, but still, it will be tough timse for a while!) It's just daunting to me. I don't know what to do.

I feel like it might be a good idea to stay for the job, but what if the job never comes? They could restructure tomorrow and deem the position unnecessary. Really, the only thing keeping us here seems to be the prospect of the job. And like I said, I have no idea how long it will take to find out about it. And I really do not like the job I am doing right now (which was part of the reason why I was so stoked to apply for the K-1 to begin with!)

So we have our NOA2 and I know soon we'll be presented with the rest of the process (and all the costs of the process ... a trip to Vancouver, medicals for myself and my 2 year old daughter) and I just don't know what to do. Do we pursue the visa and if the job doesn't come through for me, go with the visa like we planned? Do we tell the consulate we've changed our minds? I just don't know what to do and I'm stressing out of my mind about this.

[Dan and Ali 3]

I just want to add that I know my fiance and I are so lucky to be together here in Canada and I hope it doesn't seem like I want to have my cake and eat it too ... I am just really at a loss as to what to do.

Thanks everyone.

[canadian_wife 1,818]

First of all, I am really sorry for your delima. But like you said, it seems like you're stuck between a good thing (being in Canada with your fiance) and a good thing (possible promotion). Decisions like this are never easy however.

Like you said, it is not a sure thing - its not like you have the promotion and you are starting tomorrow.

If it was my decision to make, I'd continue to follow through with the K-1. It's a job - that's all it is (although it may be a good one). There will be other jobs. You worked hard and made lots of sacrifices to pursure the K-1. See it through, it may lead to other, pleasant surprises.

Good luck with your decision

[Sam and Ben 2]

We were faced with a lot of considerations when it came to who would move. But, putting aside my own emotions and perhaps less tangible arguments, I couldn't come close to supporting two on my income here in Canada. Ben, at least for a little while, certainly could.

Having said that, sounds like your only real tie to your area is the possibility of this job. If it was at the point where you had been offered the promotion and they were waiting for an answer either way from your end, that I could see being a real toss up. But right now, I think it comes down to risks. How many others sit in the offer pool right now? Do you have a realistic timeframe where you would expect to hear something, or is it honestly a matter of days, months, years? Is the company actually hiring on a regular basis, or is it a matter of "should something actually come up, we'll choose from you folks here"?

If you consider the promotion something tangible to stick around for, then it certainly sounds like it would be in the best interest of you both for you to stick it out. But from the sounds of it, the likeliness of that happening in the near future ranges from a good change to a dim possibility.

What are your own employment opportunities should you continue on with the visa? What's the likeliness that you could find a similar position in your field in the U.S.? Can your fiance support you both during a period of unemployment until EAD and through a job search?

I think end goal plays a large role here. He moved to Canada but returned for his schooling. Does he wish to return to Canada someday? Do you? Will one of you have further job opportunities in one area over another?

Like I said, as with anything, it all comes down to risks. I have a hard time with what-ifs, so I, myself, probably wouldn't stay based on that alone, assuming I would still have valid offers once I moved. Maybe I'm the wrong person to be answering, since I don't have a direct career pool to jump into and will basically be steering clear of anything related to what I'm doing here in Canada... haha. But you've obviously invested yourself into your job and it would be a shame to lose out on any of that. I'm sure this news, for you, is a real testament to the work you've been doing, so I can understand how hard it must be to decide.

Edit: Regardless of the decision, congratulations on your NOA2.

Edited November 26, 2009 by Sam and Ben

[trailmix 77]

Yes, big decision - and tough, as it is for many choosing to move to the U.S.

It seems to me, from what you have written that the whole job thing is secondary. It kind of looks like the potential for a better paying job just forced you to look at the whole picture again (i'm sure you went over this many times before making the decision to apply for the K1).

Generally people make a decision and go with it. We are going to move to the States (after weighing the pros and cons) - ok decision made - now you proceed on with your daily life, not reflecting back on that decision often (why would you, it would make a sane person crazy!)

Anyway, yes, there are many good things on your list that reflect well on staying in Canada. My advice, go back to square 1 and start that decision all over again. Ask yourself why you live in Canada. Then ask yourself why you would move to the U.S. - it will become clearer once you do that I think.

You also have a child, which I know makes it even harder for you as you are not just responsible for 2 people you are responsible for 3.

Also keep in mind when making that list that if your future Husband decides to reside in Canada and applies as a PR, he will, in due course, be eligible for student loans etc.

Edited November 26, 2009 by trailmix

[MrsCat 6]

^ as always Trailmix has offered excellent advice. Can't add more than that.

[Allie and Nigel 2]

Very wordy advice-lets get to the point-sorry guys. I'm from Alberta, so I'm not just saying this just cause---take the k1, get it going in the states, you can always come back to Alberta later in your lives....at least you will be able to....if you dont do this k1 then you wont have the ability and will have to go through it aaaaaaaaaaall over again. Your young, the baby's young, do it now.

[SunDrop 59]

Very wordy advice-lets get to the point-sorry guys. I'm from Alberta, so I'm not just saying this just cause---take the k1, get it going in the states, you can always come back to Alberta later in your lives....at least you will be able to....if you dont do this k1 then you wont have the ability and will have to go through it aaaaaaaaaaall over again. Your young, the baby's young, do it now.

I have to agree with Allie on this one.

Carry on with the K1. With a wife and kid, your fiance turned hubby will be eligible for a lot more financial assistance to finish the one year of school with the U of A (which U of A are you referring to, being nosey?), rather than you paying more for twice as much study time.

If a more definite offer of the promotion comes up while you're finalising, then reconsider but until the job is in the bag, your situation is actually the same as it was when you filed the K1.

[Arabella 4]

Wow, you certainly have a lot to consider.

I think I'd ask myself the following questions:

-Where do the two of you want to live?

-Where do you want to raise your family?

-Where do you see yourself living long term?

-Once your fiance graduates from college, can he pursue his career in Canada?

-The job you have- is it a career, or just a job? Will you be doing this long-term? How difficult is it to get a job in your career in the US? (try looking at The US Bureau of Labor Statistics)

In the short-run, he would need a co-sponsor for you to move to the US if he is a full time student. Well, that's not such a big deal. In the short run, you may have to be separated while he finishes college. That too would be hard, but ultimately would be worth the sacrifice.

What about your child's dad? Does it help him to see the child if you stay in Canada? This was a major factor for us.

I wouldn't look so much at the next year as I would the long-term, and make my decision based on that. Sure, the next year is going to be hard, but it will be hard either way.

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

It IS always the toughest decision: who moves where. For the first fifteen months my wife and I together, our discussions were geared more towards her moving to Vancouver, rather than me moving to D.C. Soul searching on both of our parts, along with life circumstances and common sense brought the decision around to what it has been since early May...and I am SO glad I ultimately decided that I would move to D.C.

my thoughts for you is simple: if you are the type of person who is good at adapting to new environments / change etc., then absolutely stick with the K-1 as you've been doing. Opportunities will arise if you're able to adapt. If you're NOT that sort of person though...if you're JUST going to be moving for Dan...I advise you to have a long, serious thought about it yourself (without his influence). Yes, you'll be moving there primarily to be with him...but one person can never live solely for the sake of another. You have to be comfortable with your choice...and the only way to do that is to seriously think about it and decide whether or not you're able to handle such a wholesale change for yourself. If Dan loves you, he'll ultimately understand!

[DeadPoolX 9]

My wife and I faced this problem. She currently has a good -- but not great -- paying job in Canada while I was going to school. Immigration finalized as I was just a few classes from graduating with a degree in psychology (I had planned to go onto graduate school). I was told I had a limited window in which to immigrate or we'd have to start all over. So I gave up my degree, even though I was so close to finishing.

If I go back to a university here in Vancouver, I'll easily lose at least one year, probably two (and I couldn't still afford it anyway). I already have one degree in graphic design, but I'd be better off wiping my a$$ with it. The graphic design field has gone from well recognized and profitable to something most people feel the "kid down the street can do" (even though they're wrong). Illegal versions of Photoshop as well as the proliferation of new design programs has turned graphic design into a hobby at best.

So I'm basically stuck without a degree and looking for work in a job market that's terrible. My wife and I can't afford to live on one income for much longer and I've practically drained my savings. I've been here for a little over one year and during that time my savings account has gone from $35,000 to around $1,500. All of these expenditures have been on necessary things as well. We don't even give each other gifts for birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas/Hanukkah because we simply can't afford it.

Do I regret coming here and giving up any realistic hope of having a good career? Sometimes. I'm really happy about being with my wife, but there are definitely times I resent the move and even her. I know she didn't MAKE me come up here, but what was the other option? Do immigration all over again or break up?

To close this excessively long and wordy post, I'd like to impress upon you the importance he has for his career. Just because he loves you and wants to be with you doesn't mean he won't regret losing his degree. He may not show it or ever tell you, but chances are he WILL resent it. I know I do, but I'd never let my wife know that.

[lgg 2]

Sorry to be off topic but I looked at your avatar DeadPool and realized that i'd cooked some bacon for dinner tonight.

Yeah.

My wife and I faced this problem. She currently has a good -- but not great -- paying job in Canada while I was going to school. Immigration finalized as I was just a few classes from graduating with a degree in psychology (I had planned to go onto graduate school). I was told I had a limited window in which to immigrate or we'd have to start all over. So I gave up my degree, even though I was so close to finishing.

If I go back to a university here in Vancouver, I'll easily lose at least one year, probably two (and I couldn't still afford it anyway). I already have one degree in graphic design, but I'd be better off wiping my a$$ with it. The graphic design field has gone from well recognized and profitable to something most people feel the "kid down the street can do" (even though they're wrong). Illegal versions of Photoshop as well as the proliferation of new design programs has turned graphic design into a hobby at best.

So I'm basically stuck without a degree and looking for work in a job market that's terrible. My wife and I can't afford to live on one income for much longer and I've practically drained my savings. I've been here for a little over one year and during that time my savings account has gone from $35,000 to around $1,500. All of these expenditures have been on necessary things as well. We don't even give each other gifts for birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas/Hanukkah because we simply can't afford it.

Do I regret coming here and giving up any realistic hope of having a good career? Sometimes. I'm really happy about being with my wife, but there are definitely times I resent the move and even her. I know she didn't MAKE me come up here, but what was the other option? Do immigration all over again or break up?

To close this excessively long and wordy post, I'd like to impress upon you the importance he has for his career. Just because he loves you and wants to be with you doesn't mean he won't regret losing his degree. He may not show it or ever tell you, but chances are he WILL resent it. I know I do, but I'd never let my wife know that.

[Arabella 4]

My wife and I faced this problem. She currently has a good -- but not great -- paying job in Canada while I was going to school. Immigration finalized as I was just a few classes from graduating with a degree in psychology (I had planned to go onto graduate school). I was told I had a limited window in which to immigrate or we'd have to start all over. So I gave up my degree, even though I was so close to finishing.

If I go back to a university here in Vancouver, I'll easily lose at least one year, probably two (and I couldn't still afford it anyway). I already have one degree in graphic design, but I'd be better off wiping my a$$ with it. The graphic design field has gone from well recognized and profitable to something most people feel the "kid down the street can do" (even though they're wrong). Illegal versions of Photoshop as well as the proliferation of new design programs has turned graphic design into a hobby at best.

So I'm basically stuck without a degree and looking for work in a job market that's terrible. My wife and I can't afford to live on one income for much longer and I've practically drained my savings. I've been here for a little over one year and during that time my savings account has gone from $35,000 to around $1,500. All of these expenditures have been on necessary things as well. We don't even give each other gifts for birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas/Hanukkah because we simply can't afford it.

Do I regret coming here and giving up any realistic hope of having a good career? Sometimes. I'm really happy about being with my wife, but there are definitely times I resent the move and even her. I know she didn't MAKE me come up here, but what was the other option? Do immigration all over again or break up?

To close this excessively long and wordy post, I'd like to impress upon you the importance he has for his career. Just because he loves you and wants to be with you doesn't mean he won't regret losing his degree. He may not show it or ever tell you, but chances are he WILL resent it. I know I do, but I'd never let my wife know that.

I agree with DeadPool on several of his points. Your fiance needs to finish up his degree first and foremost. That's why I said staying apart a year while he finishes school is a sacrafice, but not too much in the long run.

The first time I was married I stayed behind to finish up my *psychology* degree while he moved to another military base.

I also wanted to chime in (sorry this is the school counselor in me . . .) that you can't do anything with a psychology degree- as you posted above. You NEED to go on to grad school. Psychology is a pre-professional degree, not a career-prep degree. It's a really fun major for sure, and I am surprised that DeadPool couldn't get a good job with his degree in graphic design.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

I would also consider that you have 6 months to use the visa after it is issued. You could go easily finish the visa process then wait out 5 or 6 months to make your final decision, or even less, as you will probably have better information regarding the job sometime in the near future. Your fiance has put off finishing school for quite some time now, so another few months probably wouldn't make a huge difference. Ultimately its your decision to make, and it is not necessarily a decision that cannot be overturned in time.

[DeadPoolX 9]

My wife and I faced this problem. She currently has a good -- but not great -- paying job in Canada while I was going to school. Immigration finalized as I was just a few classes from graduating with a degree in psychology (I had planned to go onto graduate school). I was told I had a limited window in which to immigrate or we'd have to start all over. So I gave up my degree, even though I was so close to finishing.

If I go back to a university here in Vancouver, I'll easily lose at least one year, probably two (and I couldn't still afford it anyway). I already have one degree in graphic design, but I'd be better off wiping my a$$ with it. The graphic design field has gone from well recognized and profitable to something most people feel the "kid down the street can do" (even though they're wrong). Illegal versions of Photoshop as well as the proliferation of new design programs has turned graphic design into a hobby at best.

So I'm basically stuck without a degree and looking for work in a job market that's terrible. My wife and I can't afford to live on one income for much longer and I've practically drained my savings. I've been here for a little over one year and during that time my savings account has gone from $35,000 to around $1,500. All of these expenditures have been on necessary things as well. We don't even give each other gifts for birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas/Hanukkah because we simply can't afford it.

Do I regret coming here and giving up any realistic hope of having a good career? Sometimes. I'm really happy about being with my wife, but there are definitely times I resent the move and even her. I know she didn't MAKE me come up here, but what was the other option? Do immigration all over again or break up?

To close this excessively long and wordy post, I'd like to impress upon you the importance he has for his career. Just because he loves you and wants to be with you doesn't mean he won't regret losing his degree. He may not show it or ever tell you, but chances are he WILL resent it. I know I do, but I'd never let my wife know that.

I agree with DeadPool on several of his points. Your fiance needs to finish up his degree first and foremost. That's why I said staying apart a year while he finishes school is a sacrafice, but not too much in the long run.

The first time I was married I stayed behind to finish up my *psychology* degree while he moved to another military base.

I also wanted to chime in (sorry this is the school counselor in me . . .) that you can't do anything with a psychology degree- as you posted above. You NEED to go on to grad school. Psychology is a pre-professional degree, not a career-prep degree. It's a really fun major for sure, and I am surprised that DeadPool couldn't get a good job with his degree in graphic design.

Yeah, I was planning on getting a PhD or a PsyD. I hadn't settled on which one, although it doesn't really matter now.

As for the graphic design field, it's practically nonexistent nowadays. Oh sure, large companies like Microsoft or Electronic Arts understand the need for professional graphic designers, but getting work with companies like those is extremely difficult. They can afford to be choosy and when someone lands a job with them, they don't leave without a damn good reason.

Most companies are small and simply don't understand the difference between a professional graphic designer and someone who enjoys it as a hobby. I've seen websites for CURRENT small businesses that look like they were made in 1996. For instance, look at the website for Tri-City Events. That's the official website for the Tri-City area (Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam and Port Moody) just outside Vancouver.

I don't know about you guys, but I'd be embarrassed to show that website to anyone. That might have looked okay in the mid-to-late 1990s, but today it's areal eyesore.

I had one seasonal job at Future Shop last year (which was terrible since the full-time sales people were a$$holes to me and everyone else) and I've sent resumes to London Drugs, The Bay, etc. They usually turn me down on the basis that I'm "overqualified."

Without a degree (or experience in anything beyond retail), I'm generally considered "underqualified" for better jobs. So I'm stuck with few opportunities in a terrible job market that's made employers hesitant to hire anyone.

The point of this long post is that none of this might have happened had I never met my wife or we put off immigration for a while. Unfortunately, graduate school can take a long time, so neither of us really wanted to wait several years beyond those we'd already had apart.

The decision to leave school and be with my wife was my choice, so I take full responsibility for that. However, that "choice" basically boiled down to choosing my wife or my career, but not both.