Can't Win for Losing . . .

[Arabella 4]

Sean's parents want us to "live together" before we get married, so we decided to wait out the 90 days, and then get married. It gives us 90 days to plan our wedding, so we are happy with that. This means he can't work for the first 90 days, and potentially for an additional 90 days after we marry and file for AOS until we get his EAD.

So when Sean's mom asked about our wedding plans and he told her, she commented, "Gee that's a long time for you to go without being eligible for employment. That will cause a strain on your marriage if you sit at home all day and aren't earning any money while she is working."

/sigh

[Malrothien 6]

No offense, Ara, but they need to stay out of your relationship. I hate busy bodies.

[thetreble 19]

Sean's parents can't dictate to you what is the best or most necessary arrangement.

They have no clue what this situation is like and we will all tell you that not-working is very, very hard and can be very isolating.

Do what you guys need to do to be happy.

[Danu 19]

Our parents both said this too. We ignored them all, I'm not waiting forever to work. I know they are just concerned because we haven't lived together blah blah blah but at the same time, waiting 5-6 months to be able to work would be so incredibly stressful both financially and from the aspect of being home all day. I'm already laid off so that would just add more to the time I've been not working. You guys definately need to do whats best for you guys, and if that is getting married sooner so that he can work, possibly have a chat with his mom. She seems to understand that its a long time to not work, perhaps if shes fully explained she might give up on you guys needing to live together first.

[trailmix 77]

One can only hope that she didn't realize the stuff about the EAD before she 'suggested' that you live together first. Otherwise she is just trying to put a wrench in the works.

Parents are, generally, good people and generally they have a lot of experience and like to share this with their children. That's good and nice.

Perhaps advice from parents should carry more weight as they do love their children and want the best for them etc etc - however, in general, like any advice, it's ok to listen but you have to go with what you want to do and the decision that is right for the two of you.

If you are going with the 90 days because they gave you two advice on this and you agree with it and think it is also a good idea - fine and grand, go with it. If you are doing it to please them - different kettle of fish and you may indeed want to rethink that.

Edited September 16, 2009 by trailmix

[lgg 2]

Uh... hate to say this, but they sound like passive/aggressive douchebags. Just do what you guys want and what think will work best FOR YOU!!! Both of you. Get out of the shadow of his parents.

Sorry to hear this -- good luck with everything, okay?

Sean's parents want us to "live together" before we get married, so we decided to wait out the 90 days, and then get married. It gives us 90 days to plan our wedding, so we are happy with that. This means he can't work for the first 90 days, and potentially for an additional 90 days after we marry and file for AOS until we get his EAD.

So when Sean's mom asked about our wedding plans and he told her, she commented, "Gee that's a long time for you to go without being eligible for employment. That will cause a strain on your marriage if you sit at home all day and aren't earning any money while she is working."

/sigh

[Arabella 4]

One can only hope that she didn't realize the stuff about the EAD before she 'suggested' that you live together first. Otherwise she is just trying to put a wrench in the works.

Parents are, generally, good people and generally they have a lot of experience and like to share this with their children. That's good and nice.

Perhaps advice from parents should carry more weight as they do love their children and want the best for them etc etc - however, in general, like any advice, it's ok to listen but you have to go with what you want to do and the decision that is right for the two of you.

If you are going with the 90 days because they gave you two advice on this and you agree with it and think it is also a good idea - fine and grand, go with it. If you are doing it to please them - different kettle of fish and you may indeed want to rethink that.

We decided to wait the 90 days to give us time to plan for the wedding and so that we won't feel like we are in a rush with him moving here and then getting married so quickly. His family wants to come, so this gives them plenty of time to make arrangements. We also decided to change the date so that we could get married on an anniversary that is meaningful to us.

I am not upset about him being unemployed, and I am the one who will be supporting the 4 of us. So I feel like if I am not worried about it, neither should she. He might be "bored" but with 2 kids in the house he will be glad to have a break while they are in school and I am at work. He loves to read and play computer games so between getting the kids to/from school, doing house chores, reading, playing computer games, etc. I think he will feel plenty busy! I also will have 5 weeks off (I work at a school) during the time that he is unemployed, so he won't be alone then!

Edited September 16, 2009 by Arabella

[Peachey 10]

I'm in the total opposite boat. My future parents in law wants us to get married as soon as I move.

We're not doing it to please them, we're doing it for insurance purposes.

Ara, do what you want, that was the best advice given to me when I got engaged "It's your life, do what you want".

[trailmix 77]

Ahh ok I see what you are saying now, it's not so much the 90 day wait thing as the comment about how bored he will be.

Yeah, sounds good actually, if he likes computer games and reading the time to the EAD will fly by, plus your 5 weeks off, i'm sure he will enjoy it! While only one spouse working could put a strain on a relationship - that's between the two people isn't it? I guess that is what probably annoyed you most - her judging what it will do to your relationship when really she probably knows not very much about you and not very much about the way you two feel about things together as a couple.

[Arabella 4]

Ahh ok I see what you are saying now, it's not so much the 90 day wait thing as the comment about how bored he will be.

Yeah, sounds good actually, if he likes computer games and reading the time to the EAD will fly by, plus your 5 weeks off, i'm sure he will enjoy it! While only one spouse working could put a strain on a relationship - that's between the two people isn't it? I guess that is what probably annoyed you most - her judging what it will do to your relationship when really she probably knows not very much about you and not very much about the way you two feel about things together as a couple.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Her saying it will put a strain on our relationship. Like being apart isn't putting a strain on our relationship???

I personally can't wait until he is here, employed or not. I'll finally have my best friend here, not to mention some help around the house and with the kids!

I'm in the total opposite boat. My future parents in law wants us to get married as soon as I move.

We're not doing it to please them, we're doing it for insurance purposes.

Ara, do what you want, that was the best advice given to me when I got engaged "It's your life, do what you want".

We were going to get married right away "for insurance purposes" but we decided that if he gets sick in the 90 days we will just pay for it out of pocket. I just hope he doesn't break a leg or something.

[Malrothien 6]

Ara - look into travel insurance. They will cover you even if you've moved. We've looked into it, and for BC at least, the way they cover is:

Usually, MSP would pay the amount of what it would cost in BC. Then traveler's insurance would pick up the rest. Soo.. with no MSP, you just pay that percentage difference.

Example:

You break an arm and it costs $100 to cast here in BC. It costs $400 somewhere in the US. You pay that $400, then send the receipt to your traveler's and they'll send you a check for $300.

For 3 months for my husband and I, it was only $360.

Edited September 16, 2009 by Malrothien

[Arabella 4]

Well the fun part will be when I tell my dad, the Episcopal priest, that we are living together first. A year ago my mom insisted that no daughter of hers would live together first, but now she just wants us to be together and be happy, so I am just going to tell them we need the time to plan the wedding and get his family down here. I'm 30 and I've "been there, done that," so they'll just have to deal . . .

Ara - look into travel insurance. They will cover you even if you've moved. We've looked into it, and for BC at least, the way they cover is:

Usually, MSP would pay the amount of what it would cost in BC. Then traveler's insurance would pick up the rest. Soo.. with no MSP, you just pay that percentage difference.

Example:

You break an arm and it costs $100 to cast here in BC. It costs $400 somewhere in the US. You pay that $400, then send the receipt to your traveler's and they'll send you a check for $300.

For 3 months for my husband and I, it was only $360.

I have no idea how that Canadian stuff works! I'll have Sean look into it. He is into all that kind of stuff. Do you have a link to something?

[Krikit 1,164]

I have no idea how that Canadian stuff works! I'll have Sean look into it. He is into all that kind of stuff. Do you have a link to something?

This is the travel insurance that I always purchased: TD Canada Trust Insurance

[Malrothien 6]

The insurance we're getting is through our credit union. :\

[Mephys 2]

All I can say is do what makes you guys happy!

We got married 3 weeks after I moved because it was an anniversary date and meant a lot to us, and I wanted the EAD to get going. But his mom was mad because it was in May and she wanted us to wait in July so we could have a pool part at her house and in May it's too cold. I was like oh well, too bad for you!

Things to consider is it doesn't matter how fast you start your EAD, I got mine in August and still only got a job in December. So it too me 4 additional months to get a job. He might get a job right away, he might not, so even if you start the EAD ASAP it doesn't necessarly mean anything.