shocking story

[BinhJerome 14]

After thinking about this something does not seem right. You say she was happy and well treated. I am not doubting that at all. As Jim said if she was using you for a free ride here she would have waited until after the wedding to leave. But with her leaving over a month after being here, this seems like it was unplanned. So this tells me that she was very unhappy or lonely and you might have not noticed it. Maybe she was leaving just for a visit and as you said you called the cops already and everything. It sounds in your writing that you are mad, and maybe she sensed that and she is afraid to come home. Like I said, it just does not seem right. I think that the first thing you need to do is try to see her in person, but I think you might have already over reacted and ruined your chances with her. I know that in the heat of the moment we say things that we do not remember. Either way with you wanting to "kick her back to Vietnam" and already calling the cops for kidnapping your chances of having a relationship with her now are probably slim. The person that this will affect most is your child. I know you care about your child I can see that also in your writing, but for your child's sake, I would try to mend all the fences with your fiancée or ex fiancée so that you can both be parents and do right by the child. I know this seems like I am calling you out, and maybe I am, but my intentions are to maybe enlighten you to the broader picture at hand. Just think of it from outside the box, there are things not right in your story that you should look into, maybe it is not to late to salvage a relationship, I hope not for your child's sake.

Jerome

[calilove 0]

After thinking about this something does not seem right. You say she was happy and well treated. I am not doubting that at all. As Jim said if she was using you for a free ride here she would have waited until after the wedding to leave. But with her leaving over a month after being here, this seems like it was unplanned. So this tells me that she was very unhappy or lonely and you might have not noticed it. Maybe she was leaving just for a visit and as you said you called the cops already and everything. It sounds in your writing that you are mad, and maybe she sensed that and she is afraid to come home. Like I said, it just does not seem right. I think that the first thing you need to do is try to see her in person, but I think you might have already over reacted and ruined your chances with her. I know that in the heat of the moment we say things that we do not remember. Either way with you wanting to "kick her back to Vietnam" and already calling the cops for kidnapping your chances of having a relationship with her now are probably slim. The person that this will affect most is your child. I know you care about your child I can see that also in your writing, but for your child's sake, I would try to mend all the fences with your fiancée or ex fiancée so that you can both be parents and do right by the child. I know this seems like I am calling you out, and maybe I am, but my intentions are to maybe enlighten you to the broader picture at hand. Just think of it from outside the box, there are things not right in your story that you should look into, maybe it is not to late to salvage a relationship, I hope not for your child's sake.

Jerome

i'm afraid you are wrong bro, we were so happy together with the baby. I think those people who called her, and talking to her while i was at work, been telling her stuff. I have no idea what is going on, but i think she's listening to them and going with what they have put in her mind. At this point, i am very depress, i can't stop thinking and worrying about them every seconds, it's so painful. Their clothes are still here, i can't go anywhere in the house without seeing anything that reminds me of them. I've been home waiting for her phone call....desperately.......

Edited September 13, 2009 by calilove

[ScottThuy 140]

i'm afraid you are wrong bro, we were so happy together with the baby. I think those people who called her, and talking to her while i was at work, been telling her stuff. I have no idea what is going on, but i think she's listening to them and going with what they have put in her mind. At this point, i am very depress, i can't stop thinking and worrying about them every seconds, it's so painful. Their clothes are still here, i can't go anywhere in the house without seeing anything that reminds me of them. I've been home waiting for her phone call....desperately.......

Brother, I feel your pain.. the not understanding why and not knowing where your family is must be very painful.... Try to stay strong and dont let your frustration get the best of you.... you went through a great deal to get to this point and you dont fall out of love overnight. Dont give up the hope that she is just really misguided and confused and has made a bad decision.. we all make bad decisions at one point or another. She has made a huge change just by moving here and her family has a great influence over her... I know its easy to be mad at her for putting you through this.... please try to stay calm and make decisions that are well thought out and rational.. dont make decisions on impulse as a reaction to what she has done... I know it may seem unrealistic for me to say this but this is your family that we are talking about and decisions must be made in a calm rational frame of mind and not as she has done....

[calilove 0]

i'm afraid you are wrong bro, we were so happy together with the baby. I think those people who called her, and talking to her while i was at work, been telling her stuff. I have no idea what is going on, but i think she's listening to them and going with what they have put in her mind. At this point, i am very depress, i can't stop thinking and worrying about them every seconds, it's so painful. Their clothes are still here, i can't go anywhere in the house without seeing anything that reminds me of them. I've been home waiting for her phone call....desperately.......

Brother, I feel your pain.. the not understanding why and not knowing where your family is must be very painful.... Try to stay strong and dont let your frustration get the best of you.... you went through a great deal to get to this point and you dont fall out of love overnight. Dont give up the hope that she is just really misguided and confused and has made a bad decision.. we all make bad decisions at one point or another. She has made a huge change just by moving here and her family has a great influence over her... I know its easy to be mad at her for putting you through this.... please try to stay calm and make decisions that are well thought out and rational.. dont make decisions on impulse as a reaction to what she has done... I know it may seem unrealistic for me to say this but this is your family that we are talking about and decisions must be made in a calm rational frame of mind and not as she has done....

I am not mad at her anymore. At this point, i just wish i have another chance to see them or just to hear her voice again. I'll do whatever it takes to make her stay. I hope she'd call me tomorrow, trust me i'd rather hear her voice again than winning a lottery.

[ScottThuy 140]

I really dont think she can go through a day without thinking about you when she sees your child.... She will very likely call at some point.... it may not be as soon as you want... it may take some time for her to realize what she has done....

[SuperDuper! 230]

Any possible red flags, now seen in retrospect? Sometimes post-review can yield helpful clues. Best wishes for a happy ending.

[ScottThuy 140]

Any possible red flags?

like this one he mentioned?

"Before she comes to the US, i recieved a few text messages from people that she knows back in Vietnam, saying i am stupid , she will leave me once she gets here. "

Aside from that he was under the impression she was happy here.

[BinhJerome 14]

I am not trying to argue with you at all. You see your side of the entire story. I agree there is the possibility that her family has been filling her head with things, but for you to sit there and say that is the entire thing is wrong. Some where some time you have given her some reason for doubt. Do not sit there and try to kid yourself or at least try to kid all of us. As I said before and as I will say again she is new to this country and in your own words only knows you and her family. So there is a very big reason for doubt in your own statement. You said with you working late all the time you did not do this or that. She was lonely. You have probably over reacted to her on the phone with her or her relatives. I agree with your over reaction I would have done the same, but I would be willing to admit that I might have done that. You can put up all the walls and bill boards that say what you want them to say and to block what you don't want to see. If you love her don't sit at home waiting, go to where she is. If you are 100% positive it is all her relatives fault for her doing this then talking on the phone will not do you jack. They will be standing over her shoulder filling her head with other things and you will get pissed off on the phone if it does not go the way you want it to. If you go there in person you can see your child and see her family, then maybe they can see how good of a person you are and realize their mistake. Maybe she told them you have no time for her all you do is work work work. who knows what is going through her mind, but I do not see her just up and leaving after being with you in America for a bit over a month. I just don't buy that she was happy all the time. I am not saying you were not good to her do not twist my words BRO but you really need to wake up and smell the roses. If you sit and wait for a phone call it will never change if you go there and see her regardless if it changes or not you will be able to see your child and her. Right now all she has is people that you say are filling her head with ####### she needs you, the person she fell in love with, not the person on the other end of the phone that not only works late but that does not try to come and win her back or come to see their child. Get mad at my post I really do not care. I am just trying to open your mind and let you know that not everyone here is only reading the one side of the picture.

Jerome

[Dai. 7]

man you are really pouring salt on his wounds.

[ScottThuy 140]

man you are really pouring salt on his wounds.

I agree... several of us were really worried about him last night as he was very depressed and losing ones family overnight, regardless of the circumstances of the past month leading up to it, can be very traumatic.

[BinhJerome 14]

man you are really pouring salt on his wounds.

Not trying to pour salt on anyones wounds. I do wish him the best, but sometimes you can not just pat a person on the back and give them support you need to shock the sense into him so that he can not be blinded by what he See's as a reality. I do feel that she left due to her family, but the first step in fixing the problem is seeing the entire problem and not just one side of the problem. We can all play the blame game all day long and still get no where. But the problem is in his minds that it is her family. I feel this is true, but with that being said he should bend to her side because she trusted her family enough to leave so he should see that point, and address it quickly and the only way to address something like that is to acknowledge the possibility of it. I truly feel he needs to go see her and his child, if not to bring them home to him to just let her see in person that he does still love her. This way he might be able to break their hold over her. I went through the same sort of thing not exactly the same, but very similar, and the fist thing I needed to do was to see past what I thought was going on. My ex wifes parents and family all but her brother hated me. When she went off to school I was working as a custom cutter. Each week they would go and visit her and keep trying to get her to do things in the evenings and on Sundays as they knew I was not working at that time. She left me, but all it took was me to go back and look her in the eyes for her to realize the mistake she had made. I did the same thing I cried and waited for her calls and blamed her family. But in the end I had to "prove" that the family was lying about me, and with them closer the only way was to go and see her in person. So if he wants her back sitting and waiting in my experience will not get her back, calling and arguing with her over the phone or bad mouthing her relatives and telling her that they are poisoning her will not work as they are there to "disprove" what he is telling her. Point blank he has to assume and realize their relationship was not perfect that there was something missing in it when they got to America, at first I am sure all was good, and I am sure he did what he should have done. I am not saying he did not. But there had to be something missing, and before he can win her back he MUST address this problem or she will come home and it will be the same. Point blank end of discussion. I know you were all worried about him as I am. This is no way to be. Some times there is something called tuff love, and I think this is what he needed. Jerome

[Dai. 7]

man you are really pouring salt on his wounds.

Not trying to pour salt on anyones wounds. I do wish him the best, but sometimes you can not just pat a person on the back and give them support you need to shock the sense into him so that he can not be blinded by what he See's as a reality. I do feel that she left due to her family, but the first step in fixing the problem is seeing the entire problem and not just one side of the problem. We can all play the blame game all day long and still get no where. But the problem is in his minds that it is her family. I feel this is true, but with that being said he should bend to her side because she trusted her family enough to leave so he should see that point, and address it quickly and the only way to address something like that is to acknowledge the possibility of it. I truly feel he needs to go see her and his child, if not to bring them home to him to just let her see in person that he does still love her. This way he might be able to break their hold over her. I went through the same sort of thing not exactly the same, but very similar, and the fist thing I needed to do was to see past what I thought was going on. My ex wifes parents and family all but her brother hated me. When she went off to school I was working as a custom cutter. Each week they would go and visit her and keep trying to get her to do things in the evenings and on Sundays as they knew I was not working at that time. She left me, but all it took was me to go back and look her in the eyes for her to realize the mistake she had made. I did the same thing I cried and waited for her calls and blamed her family. But in the end I had to "prove" that the family was lying about me, and with them closer the only way was to go and see her in person. So if he wants her back sitting and waiting in my experience will not get her back, calling and arguing with her over the phone or bad mouthing her relatives and telling her that they are poisoning her will not work as they are there to "disprove" what he is telling her. Point blank he has to assume and realize their relationship was not perfect that there was something missing in it when they got to America, at first I am sure all was good, and I am sure he did what he should have done. I am not saying he did not. But there had to be something missing, and before he can win her back he MUST address this problem or she will come home and it will be the same. Point blank end of discussion. I know you were all worried about him as I am. This is no way to be. Some times there is something called tuff love, and I think this is what he needed. Jerome

I am just trying to imagine how he feels. If this was me and I was reading your post it would make me very depressed. He clearly states that he's down and desparate and you are essentially telling him that what he states about his relationship with his "fiancee" is all wrong and that you don't believe him. I'm sorry but that would just make me feel like ####### if I was in his shoes. I truely feel bad for calilove and I hope he steps back and thinks about things rationally and hopefully things will work out for him.

[BinhJerome 14]

man you are really pouring salt on his wounds.

Not trying to pour salt on anyones wounds. I do wish him the best, but sometimes you can not just pat a person on the back and give them support you need to shock the sense into him so that he can not be blinded by what he See's as a reality. I do feel that she left due to her family, but the first step in fixing the problem is seeing the entire problem and not just one side of the problem. We can all play the blame game all day long and still get no where. But the problem is in his minds that it is her family. I feel this is true, but with that being said he should bend to her side because she trusted her family enough to leave so he should see that point, and address it quickly and the only way to address something like that is to acknowledge the possibility of it. I truly feel he needs to go see her and his child, if not to bring them home to him to just let her see in person that he does still love her. This way he might be able to break their hold over her. I went through the same sort of thing not exactly the same, but very similar, and the fist thing I needed to do was to see past what I thought was going on. My ex wifes parents and family all but her brother hated me. When she went off to school I was working as a custom cutter. Each week they would go and visit her and keep trying to get her to do things in the evenings and on Sundays as they knew I was not working at that time. She left me, but all it took was me to go back and look her in the eyes for her to realize the mistake she had made. I did the same thing I cried and waited for her calls and blamed her family. But in the end I had to "prove" that the family was lying about me, and with them closer the only way was to go and see her in person. So if he wants her back sitting and waiting in my experience will not get her back, calling and arguing with her over the phone or bad mouthing her relatives and telling her that they are poisoning her will not work as they are there to "disprove" what he is telling her. Point blank he has to assume and realize their relationship was not perfect that there was something missing in it when they got to America, at first I am sure all was good, and I am sure he did what he should have done. I am not saying he did not. But there had to be something missing, and before he can win her back he MUST address this problem or she will come home and it will be the same. Point blank end of discussion. I know you were all worried about him as I am. This is no way to be. Some times there is something called tuff love, and I think this is what he needed. Jerome

I am just trying to imagine how he feels. If this was me and I was reading your post it would make me very depressed. He clearly states that he's down and desparate and you are essentially telling him that what he states about his relationship with his "fiancee" is all wrong and that you don't believe him. I'm sorry but that would just make me feel like ####### if I was in his shoes. I truely feel bad for calilove and I hope he steps back and thinks about things rationally and hopefully things will work out for him.

It is not that I do not believe him. I do. I am sure that what he said is true. I am just trying to have him step back and look at it rationally as well. I am sure with the child they will get it worked out at least I hope for both of them they do. It is always bad when things like this happen to people that try so hard to only do right. I think this entire situation just sucks for everyone especially for Calilove. I do wish you the best bro, I just really want you to step back. I know that what you say is true, just remember there are both sides to every story. Go see her man, and I am sure when she looks into your eyes she will see the mistakes she has made. I would just try to work with her, let her go there for visits and things, just make sure she knows you have obligations to fill and the most important is the wedding in 90 days. Love is worth fighting for, and I know I would fight for my love. Just dont let her family keep pounding information into her head. You need to contact her in person. I just feel that on the phone you will be at a extreme disadvantage with her family talking in her ear. Just step back and make sure what you really want to do. Do it for youself first then no matter what happens you will know what you choose to do was right in your heart and mind. Good luck bro,

[ScottThuy 140]

He doesnt know where she is and they hang up when he calls the relatives and anyother number he has... if he shows up uninvited he could risk getting in trouble depending upon how they handle it... It would not take much for them to call the police and lie and he end up in jail on bogus charges... If he calls over and over again it could do more harm than good...

[vietazn 1]

It doesn't matter if he still loves her, she doesn't love him. That's why she left. No good wife would just leave so far away without saying anything. And always be wary of the Vietnamese people who always listens to family, even after being engaged or married. So forget about it, if she doesn't leave him now she will leave him later. So try to keep the child instead. Second, this is not such a shocking story. Nail people do this all the time. Leave their spouses and/or kids to just hook up with another nail person. Not sure why nail people tend to do this more, but probably because they can be very mobile, have the financial capacity to move quickly anywhere, and unless they absolutely have to do nails, they tend to love money over health. Nail people are part of their own culture, so be wary of anyone who wants to do nails or does nails. Red flags? Mentioning wanting to do nails over 2 hours away. Nail people work without licenses all the time or can buy licenses. From your side, all that matters to immigration officials is whether you can prove you did not know what was going on, and are not a party to the fraud.