Missing him...

[Teffah 5]

I don't know if this is in the right spot or not, but I am sure you all have had the same feelings as I am having now. I am just starting this visa journey and already I feel at a loss... waiting, and waiting. I know that the case won't be touched right away but I find myself click on the login in button and checking to see, just in case. I am almost overly consumed with this, but he is my life.

Bijad, my love, is in no hurry to come to America. He is scared of being a burden, or not being able to find a job; that I will not see him as a man. While trying to collect information for his biographical information he kept telling me to slow down; everything has a time and place. He is always reminding me that, “God is in control.” I don’t want to slow down, I want this to be done and over with, and I want him HERE!

He would love for me to move to Morocco, but honestly he is without a job at the moment and living wonderfully with his parents. I am in my senior year, although 27. I will graduate in May with my Elementary Education Degree with endorsements in Special Education and Reading. My passion is special education. My ability to work in Morocco is little to nothing, especially with special education kiddos.

You would think I didn’t have any extra time on my hands, with college classes at three different universities (trying to get in all the classes I need before student teaching) plus my internship at an elementary school. I am also employed at two different school districts to sub, but as you may or may not know subbing is not a guarantee of work… just waiting for someone to call.

But with all this being said, I find myself spending my entire free time sitting and waiting for Bijad to come online. He lives in a small village and his connection to the internet is not reliable. Sometimes he can call to tell me he can’t get on and sometimes he can’t. I try to call and sometimes I can get through and other times it just rings and rings. It’s like I can’t make myself move from here, just in case he pops on. He tells me I need to continue to live my life, but I can’t. I need him and I miss him so much.

I returned from Morocco about one month ago and had a wonderful time and I will be going back in December.

What did you do to keep yourself busy? I have tried to pick up my beading and making jewelry, but then I find myself coming back to the computer to check. Ugh!

I really need common sense advice to get my life back in order. I have no one else who understands what I am going through with the visa process. Please don’t be rude with your comments. I am really struggling with my life right now and have more than enough going on.

Thanks,

[morocco4ever 63]

It really is important, whether in a long distance relationship or one that is closer, to not lose yourself. What did you do before he came into your life? Who did you go out with? What did you find enjoyable? If you are already starting out like this I can guarantee that you are going to go into a deep depression by the end of the visa journey. To many people have had this happen, and it just isn't worth it. Don't look at your SO as your life, but rather an extension of your life. Go back to the things you loved before and realize that the time apart will be such a small amount in comparison to the rest of your life.

Edited September 6, 2009 by morocco4ever

[Teffah 5]

It really is important, whether in a long distance relationship or one that is closer, to not lose yourself. What did you do before he came into your life? Who did you go out with? What did you find enjoyable? If you are already starting out like this I can guarantee that you are going to go into a deep depression by the end of the visa journey. To many people have had this happen, and it just isn't worth it. Don't look at your SO as your life, but rather an extension of your life. Go back to the things you loved before and realize that the time apart will be such a small amount in comparison to the rest of your life.

Not much in my life has changed since I have met him. I have always been consumed with work and school. But now that I have quit my job, to complete my education and internship/student teaching, I have more time on my hands. It is NOW that I find myself sitting around waiting.

Your right about him not being my "complete" life, I didn't intend for that to come across in my words, but I see where it did. I can also see where individuals can face depression if they continue like I am now.

Maybe I will looking into something to fill more of my time... homework is not a good enough excuse. lol.

Thanks

[sara535 15]

I agree with M4E, and also just to add, as you may have picked up from some other threads, in these LDR/immigration relationships (at least most of them) there really isnt ever a riding off into the sunset moment. You have several years of waiting for paperwork ahead of you - some of it without your SO and some of it together but it all has its challenges. My biggest advice would be to try to adopt some kind of zen like attitude and try to learn to appreciate the good in each step. For example, the months you have ahead of you waiting for him might be the last months of your single life so now is a good time to do all those things you've been meaning to do - catch up on all your chick flicks, go spend a weekend with a girlfriend who has moved away, spend an entire saturday shopping or doing your nails in your pajamas or whatever. One thing that is bound to make the whole wait unbearable is to count the minutes , including dashing to your computer every 5 minutes to see if he's logged in. Easier said than done, I know, but it really will make the time drag by.

[CasandraYounes 0]

Teresa,

I felt the same way after I graduated this past December. I have been with Aziz going on 3 years and married for 1. When I first went to visit it was like walking on clouds and I didn't know what to do with myself. It was hard getting back into the groove of things, but like others have said, try to occupy yourself with others things. Back to what I said about my graduation, I know longer had a job and I was in the midst of applying for graduate school. I suddenly had all this free time on my hands and kept becoming very needy and dependent on Aziz to call me and always be on. I almost tore myself and him apart emotionally because I had no social support and this visa journey topped everything. Take a deep breath and make time for YOU. I did the best thing I could do by staying with my hubby a couple of months. You are at the very beginning in this process and you are going to need every bit of strength you have to keep yourself together and pull through.

I wish you the best and if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Cassie

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I really need common sense advice to get my life back in order.

You answered it yourself, pick a day or time to try to talk, work on your case paper, better your life for later. He is right, he prob wont get a job when here, jobs now are very hard to find. Have him to take this time also to work on those skills for better things when here. You each had a life before in all probability its going to take awhile. Keep focus on your own life

[*Maureen* 0]

Time drags only when you're waiting for something. Try avoid waiting online for him to come, it only makes things worse (especially if he can't make it online) I don't know what your background is but I know at my church they have wonderful groups to get involved in ( from sports to you name it, they have it!). It would be great to get yourself out of the house and mingle with other people instead of looking at a blank screen.

Since he's coming on a K1, you will be getting married here, are you planning a big wedding or something small? Also, try putting together a resume for him so when he's ready to hit the job market.

I am wishing you a very smooth journey. There will be good days and of course those bad days and if you ever need anything, please just send me a PM and hopefully I can help. Take care.

[ya falaha! 0]

Great post, M4E. I do understand where the OP is coming from, though. Even with tons of things to do you still feel like life is on hold to a point because of the uncertainty of it all. Just take M4E's advice and try to stay as busy as possible. The "journey" is long but it will come to an end sooner or later.

ETA...I also agree with Maureen about the online thing. The husband and I cut way down with the chatting after we got married. We mostly just talked on the phone, it was more convenient. I had found that after chatting for over a year before the visa "journey" I became really impatient and bored of it. Sitting in front of the computer carrying on a relationship just makes things more depressing.

Edited September 6, 2009 by Astarte

[morocco4ever 63]

It really is important, whether in a long distance relationship or one that is closer, to not lose yourself. What did you do before he came into your life? Who did you go out with? What did you find enjoyable? If you are already starting out like this I can guarantee that you are going to go into a deep depression by the end of the visa journey. To many people have had this happen, and it just isn't worth it. Don't look at your SO as your life, but rather an extension of your life. Go back to the things you loved before and realize that the time apart will be such a small amount in comparison to the rest of your life.

Not much in my life has changed since I have met him. I have always been consumed with work and school. But now that I have quit my job, to complete my education and internship/student teaching, I have more time on my hands. It is NOW that I find myself sitting around waiting.

Your right about him not being my "complete" life, I didn't intend for that to come across in my words, but I see where it did. I can also see where individuals can face depression if they continue like I am now.

Maybe I will looking into something to fill more of my time... homework is not a good enough excuse. lol.

Thanks

You know I have been giving your situation a little more thought. I suspect that part of the problem comes from graduating. You are now in a different phase of life. You have worked for years going to school and you knew nothing else, therefore you are clinging onto the one thing you do know....your relationship. I have to admit I was worried when you said he was your life. Too many women tend to lose themselves to their spouse.

It is time to start to search for something to fill your life besides your SO. This is such an individual thing. What I enjoy doing you might find completely boring. But I will tell you what I do in my spare time. I have a 30 year old home that is beautiful, but is in need of some serious updating. I have been consumed with this for the past 2 years. It is a lot of work, but it gives me great satisfaction as I watch it slowly turn into what I call not just a house, but my home. Of course my husband is here now, so I have the benefit of having him by my side as I work on it, but this is what I loved before him came.

I hope something someone here enjoys will click with you, and you can find something to give you that feeling of excitement each day you wake up, so as to ease some of the hard times of the visa journey.

[Teffah 5]

I agree with M4E, and also just to add, as you may have picked up from some other threads, in these LDR/immigration relationships (at least most of them) there really isnt ever a riding off into the sunset moment. You have several years of waiting for paperwork ahead of you - some of it without your SO and some of it together but it all has its challenges. My biggest advice would be to try to adopt some kind of zen like attitude and try to learn to appreciate the good in each step. For example, the months you have ahead of you waiting for him might be the last months of your single life so now is a good time to do all those things you've been meaning to do - catch up on all your chick flicks, go spend a weekend with a girlfriend who has moved away, spend an entire saturday shopping or doing your nails in your pajamas or whatever. One thing that is bound to make the whole wait unbearable is to count the minutes , including dashing to your computer every 5 minutes to see if he's logged in. Easier said than done, I know, but it really will make the time drag by.

thanks!

[Teffah 5]

It really is important, whether in a long distance relationship or one that is closer, to not lose yourself. What did you do before he came into your life? Who did you go out with? What did you find enjoyable? If you are already starting out like this I can guarantee that you are going to go into a deep depression by the end of the visa journey. To many people have had this happen, and it just isn't worth it. Don't look at your SO as your life, but rather an extension of your life. Go back to the things you loved before and realize that the time apart will be such a small amount in comparison to the rest of your life.

Not much in my life has changed since I have met him. I have always been consumed with work and school. But now that I have quit my job, to complete my education and internship/student teaching, I have more time on my hands. It is NOW that I find myself sitting around waiting.

Your right about him not being my "complete" life, I didn't intend for that to come across in my words, but I see where it did. I can also see where individuals can face depression if they continue like I am now.

Maybe I will looking into something to fill more of my time... homework is not a good enough excuse. lol.

Thanks

You know I have been giving your situation a little more thought. I suspect that part of the problem comes from graduating. You are now in a different phase of life. You have worked for years going to school and you knew nothing else, therefore you are clinging onto the one thing you do know....your relationship. I have to admit I was worried when you said he was your life. Too many women tend to lose themselves to their spouse.

It is time to start to search for something to fill your life besides your SO. This is such an individual thing. What I enjoy doing you might find completely boring. But I will tell you what I do in my spare time. I have a 30 year old home that is beautiful, but is in need of some serious updating. I have been consumed with this for the past 2 years. It is a lot of work, but it gives me great satisfaction as I watch it slowly turn into what I call not just a house, but my home. Of course my husband is here now, so I have the benefit of having him by my side as I work on it, but this is what I loved before him came.

I hope something someone here enjoys will click with you, and you can find something to give you that feeling of excitement each day you wake up, so as to ease some of the hard times of the visa journey.

Thank you for your reply again. I don't have a home of my own but I like to garden and plant flowers, which all die. lol BUT I do enjoy it. I live in Missouri so the season of gardening is all but over. The days are getting a little chillier and the snow and ice will be here soon.

I like to bead and make jewelry, though I am not good. I have been thinking about signing up for classes just to consume sometime. I have two amazing friends. One lives in Texas and the other just the next city over. She has a family and a two year old and it is hard for us to get together. I used to travel to Texas once a year to visit with Tia, but after meeting Bijad I started to put my money into travel to Morocco. I am on a VERY limited income… but I survive nicely.

I think with Bijad, I love/hate his attitude. I should have an attitude more like his, so maybe I am a bit jealous. He is so laid back and always telling me to relax; everything has a place and time. UGH!  He is more than right, but I wish he was a little more supportative of my craziness. I tend to worry about a lot of things and think excessively about everything.

I don't want to become obsessed with this process; it’s more of a fear of the unknown. But with God, good friends, and the support from my family I will make it.

[Teffah 5]

Great post, M4E. I do understand where the OP is coming from, though. Even with tons of things to do you still feel like life is on hold to a point because of the uncertainty of it all. Just take M4E's advice and try to stay as busy as possible. The "journey" is long but it will come to an end sooner or later.

ETA...I also agree with Maureen about the online thing. The husband and I cut way down with the chatting after we got married. We mostly just talked on the phone, it was more convenient. I had found that after chatting for over a year before the visa "journey" I became really impatient and bored of it. Sitting in front of the computer carrying on a relationship just makes things more depressing.

I am at this point, and I think Bijad is too... we love each other to death. I love to talk to him as much as possible tho, I like to be with him even when nothing is said. I think he would come on less if it weren't for me asking him to come. I would call, but the connection is so questionable. We have talked for about a year and we find that we have less and less to say, but when we were together this summer is was more than wonderful. I can't wait to return this December.

[Teffah 5]

Time drags only when you're waiting for something. Try avoid waiting online for him to come, it only makes things worse (especially if he can't make it online) I don't know what your background is but I know at my church they have wonderful groups to get involved in ( from sports to you name it, they have it!). It would be great to get yourself out of the house and mingle with other people instead of looking at a blank screen.

Since he's coming on a K1, you will be getting married here, are you planning a big wedding or something small? Also, try putting together a resume for him so when he's ready to hit the job market.

I am wishing you a very smooth journey. There will be good days and of course those bad days and if you ever need anything, please just send me a PM and hopefully I can help. Take care.

We do plan on getting married here, I have slowly been looking into places to get married. It will not be anything big. I have just been getting some ideas since I won't know when he will be here until he is approved for the visa with his airplane ticket in his hand.

I have also looked at some dresses, seems to just excite me more.

I do not have a church home, and it's something my grandparents have been URGING me to do... maybe I should look into something like that.

A resume for Bijad is an excellent idea.

Thanks!!

[ya falaha! 0]

The husband and I would run out of things to say, too. It's kinda normal esp when you're dealing with bad connections and not enough time to say what you really want to say.

Great post, M4E. I do understand where the OP is coming from, though. Even with tons of things to do you still feel like life is on hold to a point because of the uncertainty of it all. Just take M4E's advice and try to stay as busy as possible. The "journey" is long but it will come to an end sooner or later.

ETA...I also agree with Maureen about the online thing. The husband and I cut way down with the chatting after we got married. We mostly just talked on the phone, it was more convenient. I had found that after chatting for over a year before the visa "journey" I became really impatient and bored of it. Sitting in front of the computer carrying on a relationship just makes things more depressing.

I am at this point, and I think Bijad is too... we love each other to death. I love to talk to him as much as possible tho, I like to be with him even when nothing is said. I think he would come on less if it weren't for me asking him to come. I would call, but the connection is so questionable. We have talked for about a year and we find that we have less and less to say, but when we were together this summer is was more than wonderful. I can't wait to return this December.

[meowmeowmeow 0]

sometimes the simplest things are the easiest answers....spend time with people, distract yourself from your situation, watch a silly movie/tv show, go out...do an activity....time will go quicker as well...

we're all in your shoes, one way or another, trust me...you can do it, but you have to prepare for a hard and long wait.