Been exactly a year since I saw my family

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Well - it's with a heavy heart that I was reminded that 1 year ago today was the last time I saw my parents, brothers and nieces.

Lots has happened since then - I don't have a huge amount of vacation from my new job, what little I had was used up when I had surgery last Dec and then for all the various appointments for my daughter and all her school issues earlier this year (see other threads on the 'mean-ager ) Spring break vacation didn't work out due to my daughter's stubborness

You know - I honestly thought some members of my family would be able to come down for a visit during this time....it's been so stressful dealing with my daughter (and it's been 'bad' believe me ). It seems like no one has the time to visit here and yet I feel obigated to dutifully visit home every single time I have had a vacation, you know? Others have expressed that same feeling on VJ from what I remember. My bestfriend barely calls me, mind you she has a new niece ad plenty of her own exciting stuff going on - although I've noticed in her facebook updates that I really have no clue what she's up to half the time. My in-laws as it turns out, aren'ta close-knit family the way mine is so I'm not getting that closeness on this side either

My job is ok, I'm doing well and have received favourable reviews and an unexpected raise so that's not the real issue either......despite living here almost 2 yrs now, I still feel lonely and out of place. I try to stay cheery and I got involved in scrapbooking and we do have friends, but no close ones at all for me though, my husbands friends wives or whatever...but they already have their own cliques and Im juts not fitting into their 'soccer-mommy, SUV driving world I guess. Every weekend is basically spent doing stuff for myself. I swear, finding a new friend or two is worse then dating!

Anyway....I'm ready to bawl as I'm sitting here at my desk...what I wouldn't give to be able to grab my best friend and trip downstairs to the cafeteria for a morning coffee at work...miss that 5 minutes of keeping in touch

Sigh - when is this getting better? I used to think VJ posters who said they had trouble meeting new people were full of it - now I realize it's a rough gig some days

[Carlawarla 1]

Awwwwwwww if I was there right now I'd not only go for a coffee with you, but give you a big HUG!!! I'm in the same boat as far as girlfriends go. It seems like it's harder to find good soul sisters when you get to be my age...I dunno. That's the way I feel anyway. I know you want to go home and visit with friends and family and that your daughter has not been cooperative, but heck, why not go by yourself!! I'm going by myself at the end of September. Driving. It'll take me two days, but I don't care. I enjoy driving actually. I say, if your daughter doesn't want to go, leave her at home and go yourself.

I don't work, and usually I'm so busy, time flies, and I don't get homesick as much, but then some days I'm not as busy, and I could just sit down and cry. And in fact, I do just that. It's OKAY TO CRY.

Are there no VJ Canada members near you?

[beans 7]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. If all of Canadian VJ could I'm sure we'd all get together and take you out

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Thank you Carla - you are very sweet! Your coffee always looks delish...

I wish I felt ok about going alone...not that my husband hasn't encouraged me. I just don't feel right about it for a few reasons.... money is an issue and to spend that type of cash on a plane ticket just for me for 3-4 days seems very wasteful to me...our whole family could get up and back for the same price - driving of course.

I honestly feel sort of like 'why bother' .....my immediate family knows what's going on here, but other old work friends and acquainntces don't and I feel like a little bit of a failure and just not in the mood to discuss all that's going on down here if I do go back home. There were more thena couple people who thought me moving my daughter was the wrong thing to do..... You know? My husband deserves a vacation too with the stuff he's been subjected to with my daughter over the past 2 years....not that he minds, he's a really hopeful guy and understands how kids are, but it affects all of us and we're all moody and on edge

Keeping busy is the only way for me not get in a slump, I've noticed that too...I've done more then my share of crying.....I can't help but feel I should have pushed my daughter into it and that I could ahve waited out 2 more years....now I'm worried that once we start removing conditions, my daughter won't cooperate and I'll be forced to take her home because her GC will have run out - and then I'll be the only person down here....

[Arabella 4]

Awwwwwwww if I was there right now I'd not only go for a coffee with you, but give you a big HUG!!! I'm in the same boat as far as girlfriends go. It seems like it's harder to find good soul sisters when you get to be my age...I dunno. That's the way I feel anyway. I know you want to go home and visit with friends and family and that your daughter has not been cooperative, but heck, why not go by yourself!! I'm going by myself at the end of September. Driving. It'll take me two days, but I don't care. I enjoy driving actually. I say, if your daughter doesn't want to go, leave her at home and go yourself.

I don't work, and usually I'm so busy, time flies, and I don't get homesick as much, but then some days I'm not as busy, and I could just sit down and cry. And in fact, I do just that. It's OKAY TO CRY.

Are there no VJ Canada members near you?

I know how you feel but in a different way. I was a military wife for 8 years and until we got divorced and I moved back home I rarely ever saw my family and I had no long-term friends because we lived in 3 different states, the longest of which was only 3 years. When I lived in California and Arizona, my family never came to visit me. When we lived in North Carolina they came 2 times over the 3 years I was there (one of those trips was to see me graduate with my master's degree otherwise I doubt they would have made the trip- they didn't come when either of my babies were born). Every vacation time I had I was on a plane to Florida and we didn't vacation anywhere else except for short day or weekend trips. That was how military life was and I can't say I enjoyed it but a lot of families go through it.

Now that I am back in Florida, none of my high school friends are here. The only friends I have are co-workers and we don't hang out on the weekends or anything because they all have their own families. I am honestly too busy with work and my two kids to miss having friends but there are times I wish I had someone to hang out with. I am looking forward to when Sean moves here so that we can do things together.

I am worried that he will be terribly homesick. He has lived in the same house his whole life! His brother and sister moved out a few years ago when they went to college. They live in Winnepeg which is 2100 miles away from where he lives. His brother just got into medical school in Ireland and his sister (his twin!) is staying in Winnepeg. His dad has been working overseas in Serbia for 2 years. Sean has been living with his mom and grandmother for the past couple years. I am hoping that he feels ready to live away from home since his brother and sister have left home. He doesn't have much in the way of friends in Canada- he just stays at home and plays on the computer where he has his virtual friends (on the game we play together). I actually think that is a good thing because then even though everything else will be changing for him he will still have the same game and online friends that he has been used to for years.

It is hard moving and having to start a new life. My mom always said that it brought her and my dad closer together as a couple when they moved far from their home towns after thye got married. That is one positive way to look at it!

[Krikit 1,163]

Awww, Udella. You've really had a rough go of it. ((((((((((Udella))))))))))))

I hate that employees barely receive any time off here in the US. It seems so inhumane. For the first year I, too, thought I would have more visitors than I did. Then I was inundated! And I know what you mean..... It does seem a bit one-sided at times. But things have a tendency of balancing out and one day it will start working in your favour.

I find the friend thing interesting. The people here are really nice, and I have the best neighbours in the world!..... but I still feel a reserve between me and them. It's different than a reserve you feel when you meet people in Canada (and/or England for me). It's like.... you're a foreigner and they're not quite comfortable with that. I dunno. Maybe it's just me projecting my thoughts onto them and it's all in my head.

I took a look to see where you are but you're a fair distance from me, unfortunately. Otherwise I'd pop over and we could go out on the town and have a good natter.

I sometimes have crazy thoughts of moving back home because I miss the daily interaction with all my family, friends, and former co-workers. I miss being able to walk somewhere and have a destination..... the park, the shops, the lake.... Here there is nowhere to walk TO. Everything is so distant that you need a vehicle. Just walking the neighbourhood all the time makes me feel like a hamster on a wheel, so I've lost all motivation. Oh good Lord. Now I'M getting depressed!

[Krikit 1,163]

Keeping busy is the only way for me not get in a slump, I've noticed that too...I've done more then my share of crying.....I can't help but feel I should have pushed my daughter into it and that I could ahve waited out 2 more years....now I'm worried that once we start removing conditions, my daughter won't cooperate and I'll be forced to take her home because her GC will have run out - and then I'll be the only person down here....

Let it go, Udella. You made the best decision you could under the circumstances at that time. Who knows? If you'd not made those choices your daughter may have ended up in worse shape than she is now and your decision has saved her. You cannot second-guess decisions when all the outcomes are not known.

As well..... if your daughter's GC DOES run out and she goes back home..... who's to say she won't decide that she's made the wrong choice and she wants to come back home? Yes, it's a pita.... but it's a pita that might not ever happen. And if it does, well..... sometimes kids need to go through some rough times in order to come out a better person. It's not a bad thing.

Maybe all of us should have a chat night!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Thank you for the kind words guys.....sometimes I just need that. Is it weird that I feel comforted by strange canadian people that i've never met and yet I see my coworkers everyday? I'm sure my parents generation wouldn't understand that you could feel connected to people you've only chatted with..

Anyway....I am trying to make peace with the fact that I can't go back and change anything about what's happened, especially the daughter situation. I've learned many things in hind sight so I hope I can be useful to someone on VJ in the future....

Krikit - I do know exactly what you mean about a reserve between me and say the neighbours....or a coworker...it's an intangible something that's hard to pinpoint. I feel like such an alien (legal albeit) when I realize that some of my most basic views are not shared by folks here....politics always brings that to light espcially I noticed

Chat night - even a WoW night every so often isn't a bad suggestion.

[trailmix 77]

Chat night is a great idea!

Who are these strange Canadian people you speak of!

I guess i'm not really the poster child for sticking it out in the U.S. - but I do agree with you and krikit about not being able to go back and change what has happened with your Daughter.

It's tough enough raising a strong willed child - tougher still when you have to go through a big move like you have. Yes, perhaps she would have been happier staying 'home' - but maybe not. The thing is she is your child and like it or not she is supposed to be with you right now.

Now, i'm not the parent that decrees that the child must follow all orders! However, I think you know, even if she doesn't (and maybe never will) that she does need you right now.

Edited August 24, 2009 by trailmix

[Krikit 1,163]

Thank you for the kind words guys.....sometimes I just need that. Is it weird that I feel comforted by strange canadian people that i've never met and yet I see my coworkers everyday?

Who are you calling strange?!!

Krikit - I do know exactly what you mean about a reserve between me and say the neighbours....or a coworker...it's an intangible something that's hard to pinpoint. I feel like such an alien (legal albeit) when I realize that some of my most basic views are not shared by folks here....politics always brings that to light espcially I noticed

OMG, I stopped by my friend's wine shop on Saturday. I hadn't seen her in about 6 weeks because of various things. Anyway, she and her husband were there setting up for a wine tasting that evening and they invited me to sit down for a natter and some taste tests. So we're chatting along nicely and I'm catching up on all the town gossip when I mention how happy I am that McCain/Palin didn't get in. OMG. DEAD silence.

I'm still finding out what's kosher and what's not.

I agree with what Trailmix has said!

[CanAmCharlotte 0]

I'm truly sorry Udella that you're having a rough go of it. If it's any consolation, I guess you'e noticed from the responses that having trouble finding good friends and just generally not fitting in is something many of us are going through. I actually think it's tougher as you get older. By a certain age (late thirties?), people have established their social circle and aren't necessarily interviewing for new buddies. I have met loads of nice people since moving to North Carolina almost three years ago but sadly, I haven't really found any kindred spirits. I'm not giving up though! I have joined two more local meetup groups (www.meetup.com) and have decided to be a little bolder about asking other women to meet up for lunch, shopping, or whatever. I'm actually going hiking tomorrow with a woman I met at the YMCA. We don't really know each other that well so I feel like I'm prepping for a damn date!

Like you, my best friend back home rarely calls and I suspect our friendship will soon run its course. I'm not blaming her though. I'm almost as guilty about not keeping in touch. I've only been back to Toronto twice and she has never been to visit me. After awhile, it's like you have less in common and the minutia you used to discuss endlessly suddenly seems sort of silly. I always say if a relationship is not moving forward then it's probably at the end. If you just talk about the past and there is nothing new in the relationship, it starts to feel stale.

Only my sister has visited me (four times). Both of my parents are too ill to travel (this happened right after I moved here) and my brother refuses to travel anywhere. I've gone to New Brunswick to visit my folks once but they actually don't want me to come as they say they're not up to it. Even if I say, 'it's OK, you don't have to entertain me, I just want to see you', they ask me to stay away until they feel better. Ugh, frustrating.

If empathy is what you need, you've come to the right place. It sure does feel good knowing you have Canadian friends going through the same feelings, even if they're only in cyberspace, don't you agree?

[JillA 2]

That must be so hard, Udella. I can't imagine going a year without seeing my family, the longest has been 3 months and that was enough. I felt so homesick after those 3 months.

I wonder if there are any VJers close to where you live. Meeting up with fellow VJrs/Canadians has been so good for me. Even though we've only hung out a handful of times, it's just great knowing they are there and know what I'm going through. It feels nice to have Canadian friends nearby.

I hope you get to see your family sooner rather than later

[trailmix 77]

So we're chatting along nicely and I'm catching up on all the town gossip when I mention how happy I am that McCain/Palin didn't get in. OMG. DEAD silence.

I'm still finding out what's kosher and what's not.

[Carlawarla 1]

How are you feeling today Udella? I'm glad you vented yesterday about how you were feeling, and hope you found some support here! I was thinking about you yesterday and last evening.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Than you for asking Carla - not as down as yesterday, a good night's sleep helps. I felt better upon reading that my feelings aren't that different then most folks here. It's sucha rough spot to be in and truthfully I know that a lot of itwould be better if things could go better with my daughter's life and how she feels about being down here, I so wish she would just give it a chance. Krikit is right - want can I do about the past and really, II could not have done more...but I guess a little part of me may always wonder if I could have done something differently.