Ever had doubts?

[bowflex 0]

There are waaaay more deep thinkers in here than me so I just want to offer you my best wishes and hope that whatever you decide you feel 100% comfortable with. Whichever way you go good luck!!

[Sam and Ben 2]

Also going to add two small cents to the mix:

I find that, when it comes to WoW, my fiance and I tend to switch viewpoints on the game every couple of months. He'll get bored in our guild or in lack of content, and I find myself pressing him into continuing his subscription, or vice versa. Not a money thing, but sometimes the need to "spend time" with each other is more pressing to one than to the other at some given point. I don't recall you mentioning how else you tend to communicate with each other, but I know that, for us, between work and busy raid times, some weeks, the only way we speak and spend time is in-game. Maybe your fiance is concerned about missing out on time with you, and by offering to pay for it, he's trying in his own way to show that.

As with everyone, our finances are not the strongest. Hubby-to-be has a decent job, but debts to pay. I make little-to-no money, yet I'm a saver, and because of that, we'll be able to get by without my working for some time. The money for the I-129F came out of "his" account (US funds) as I still to this day haven't worked out the US bank account/customhouse debate, but it was still a strain for him to support it. "I" will be footing the rest of the bill from here on out.

But saying that, in two, four, five (whatever time length it takes) months, I will be dumping all of that money into his account. In a short time, he will be my husband. My money is his money. His money is mine. Do all couples, long-distance aside, share funds? No. But that's how we're doing it and viewing it. There is no entitlement attached to what we have, and so I feel no grudge towards him when I fire off a cheque for any given portion of the process. It doesn't make any difference to either one of us as to who signs the bottom.

I hope this isn't taken as a judgment call in any way, but, as others have stated before me, things won't suddenly get better once this is all said and done. If you two are arguing constantly, that needs to be addressed, same as if you were residing within the same city, not two countries apart. Finances are certainly a stress, one of many, many stresses you will face during all of the processes involved in moving over there, and together, you must figure out how you plan to deal with those stresses.

One other thing I wish to add, though, is that you must decide if this - your relationship, your relocation, etc - is what you want and worth it to you. While I in no way mean to say that a USC shouldn't appreciate that you are relocating your life to be with him (because believe me, it's quite important to me as well that my fiance understands the gesture I'm making in moving to the US), but that shouldn't be used as a bargaining chip. I'm not meaning to say that you do use it, but when you point out that you're the one paying, moving, etc, I hope that you have actually resolved within yourself that this is something you actually want to do for you and your relationship, not something you will later regret and hold against your then husband.

All in all, everyone fights. Everyone faces problems outside of their relationship that can impact how they interact with each other. But, at the end of the day, even if the solution to an issue is resolved by one (ie, money problem fixed using your account, credit card, or his, etc), the problem itself should still be faced together. That's the only way this draining process won't get the best of either of you.

Edited July 16, 2009 by Sam and Ben

[warlord 72]

Thanks for all the cool words about my upcomming divorce from my American born wife ha ha. It'll be for the best, 2 different lives etc.

I have another good friend and he's in a rough spot in his marriage (his wife is actually one of my good friends from here and then when they got married him and I bonded from the start). They are having big money woes now as well. He is keeping a separate account and she wants them to pool all the money together. He's worried she'll blow everything and so boom, an instant catastrophe. In their 2 years of marriage, this has been their biggest problem. The money. She has declared bankrupcy already in the past, has a lot of debt etc, he works at a bank and has always managed his money. They are constantly fighting over bills and money issues.

They knew about it at the start, and it never has stopped since they got married. Two different personalities, one a saver and another a spender.

And no, it's not the biggest single thing that breaks up most marriages, but they claim in all the article out there that it is one of the top reasons couples do get into problems and end the marriages. So yeah, money is always an issue when two people will disagree on how to handle it. And naturally some people just suck at saving and others are just good at it...

[Hugglebuggles 60]

Hi lollee!

You've been given some good advice, but as someone very young like yourself, I understand how difficult it can be to go through such a financially draining process while trying to maintain enough to live.

My fiance and I love each other very dearly, but there is a reason we waited 4 years to move and decide to marry. 1 big reason was I wanted to finish getting my BA without any transferring messes or international student fees, and another was finances. We knew this wasn't going to be a cheap venture, and both decided to wait until a lot of debt was removed and we had saved enough money to at least get the ball rolling. I know the distance is very difficult to handle, but whats the rush? Why not wait until you've been able to get your fiances in better order to make this leap? As the others said, It only gets harder when you've arrived. You are faced with the reality that you have left your family and friends, you have no job and no income, and basically lose a lot of your independence. You will be very reliant on your fiance for the first few months and if he hasn't shown the ability or the dedication to be your everything, then maybe you need to really think about the consequences before you make this big decision.

I disagree with trailmix on this one, he should treat you like a princess! You've changing countries, giving up your life for him, he should treat you with nothing but respect and admiration. I paid for virtually none of this process myself, simply because he felt as though it was his duty. He really stepped up to the plate for me and made me see his dedication to us and our marriage. When I'm having a bad day I just remember that and it makes this easier.

[trailmix 77]

I disagree with trailmix on this one, he should treat you like a princess! You've changing countries, giving up your life for him, he should treat you with nothing but respect and admiration.

Just to clarify what I said - I just meant that I don't think you should expect to be treated like a princess because you did - something. If your husband or wife treats you beautifully because they love you and want you to be happy - that's a completely separate thing

[Sprailenes 47]

I agree tmix.

You are not entitled to special treatment just because you decided to give everything up. You are entitled to special treatment because you're loved. I would never demand my husband treat me like a "princess" because I did what I did.

I don't wear a crown on my head, I do not come from royalty, therefore I am no princess. Don't treat me like one.

Edited July 16, 2009 by Sprailenes

[Krikit 1,163]

We'd all be sorely disappointed if that were the case!

[lgg 2]

I totally agree with this. We all choose our own paths and shouldn't require accolades for doing so, but being loved and respected as having that be part and parcel to what we are? Perfect. A little respect and love and compassion go a long way...

The only crown I wear is the crown of thorns I came with!!

Just kidding!

I agree tmix.

You are not entitled to special treatment just because you decided to give everything up. You are entitled to special treatment because you're loved. I would never demand my husband treat me like a "princess" because I did what I did.

I don't wear a crown on my head, I do not come from royalty, therefore I am no princess. Don't treat me like one.

Edited July 16, 2009 by lgg

[thetreble 19]

I disagree with trailmix on this one, he should treat you like a princess! You've changing countries, giving up your life for him, he should treat you with nothing but respect and admiration.

Just to clarify what I said - I just meant that I don't think you should expect to be treated like a princess because you did - something. If your husband or wife treats you beautifully because they love you and want you to be happy - that's a completely separate thing

Completely agree here. If you get treated like a princess, most people start actually thinking and acting as if they are one. Why do you think my brother in law is now sitting at home wondering if he should get married? Because Bridezilla thinks she wears a crown.

Sapphire-interesting about what your priest said, but I disagree. The world compromise dose not necessary mean someone gives up something, and the other reaps all the benefits.

Example: On Sunday, it was the first day my husband and I had off together in 6 weeks. His brother called him in slight distress. So I said, hey, spend half the day with me, then drive over to see your brother. Therefore, we BOTH reap the benefits of something at least.

I also think it depends on what kind of person you are. Some people believe they are "losing out" when they really aren't. I feel many women like to make a big deal out of stuff that isn't a big deal. And that way, I don't feel like I'm ever compromising too much.

[SapphireDreams 71]

^^ yeah I guess it's all relative. As long as you don't feel like you're losing out and you're in agreement, then it's no longer a compromise because you both agreed with the terms. In Lollee's situation, I feel like she's compromising all her money to pay for all of this but still not really in agreement with it... she might think she is and think she's compromising with the situation, but at the end of the day she still feels the burden of the situation. Not sure if I make sense.

I guess what I mean is that if you make a compromise, because well everything is about give and take in a marriage, there still needs to be an agreement made at the end of the compromise so that no one feels like they are being let down or missing out on something.

[thetreble 19]

I guess what I mean is that if you make a compromise, because well everything is about give and take in a marriage, there still needs to be an agreement made at the end of the compromise so that no one feels like they are being let down or missing out on something.

True, true. This I totally agree with.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

Maybe "princess" was the wrong word to use. What I mean is that your fiance should love you and appreciate you for the sacrifices you've made to make your relationship work, and the way he treats you should be a reflection of that appreciation. I don't know anything about the OP's relationship with her fiance other than the information she posted, but my understanding is that he's not necessarily showing her the appreciation she deserves for making such a big commitment. That's all. I don't get to wear a crown on my head that's for sure!

[Bern. 3]

I'm not a deep thinker either...but, regardless on what course of action you take, just make sure you feel comfortable with it 100%. It's your life, and you should make choices that put a smile on your face. And don't worry about arguing, every couple does it, some more than others. Like me, I want to beat up my husband daily. But good luck dear. =)

[movingsoon2 0]

There is so much wise counsel on here. I too think that you should definitely put brakes on in this situation. This is only a beginning and the road to the two of you being together will only get more uphill and expensive. Time will show if you two are meant to be together. Also, as for me I did not begin this process until I had an engagement ring on my finger. There are just way too many sacrifices in this process in terms of leaving everything you know and cherish - your family, friends, home. If I did not have the ring on, the doubts about our relationship would be too much for me to handle.

Financially, the move, the wedding, the aos application, the newlywed life... will cost money, you two will need to come up with a way to pay those costs - they range in thousands of dollars. Me and my husband are both savers, but money has been going out in thousands for us.

I wish you a happy ending!

[lollee 0]

Thank you all SO much for all the wonderful advice and input. Your all such wonderful helpful people I enjoyed reading all of your personal experiences aswell, it makes me feel so much better

Im about to break the news to him that im going to hold off on this visa until we can both split the costs. That way we are not rushing into things, and during this time - we can step back and think - really think about it all. Because the stress put on myself to prepare for moving 1000 + miles away, on top of paying for it all...is too much for one gal to handle at the moment.

Who knows, maybe in a few months he will get that manager position he's been trying for, and things will get better

*hugs* all!