Yardies at Home and a Farrin (part16)

[jawi876 2]

Jawi, I am so sorry to hear - I will pray that things will work out for you - there has to be some legal loop hole that we can find, the situation sucks!

thank you Sus and Mrs. Palmer. If anyone can find a loop hole it would be you Sus. I don't think I have a choice since Georgia is a right to hire state.

Question for those of you whose SO/spouses have children: This has come up alot here, and I was just wondering...I see that many of you have plans to have your spouse's/SO's children come to live with you, but how do their mother's REALLY feel? It seems to me that once the SO is up here that it's assumed or automatic that the children will follow, but really are the kids, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or whatever truly ok and comfortable w/ this? I mean I understand the underlying premise, that they will have more opportunities & better way of life (which to me really is relative), but is it really in the best interest of EVERYONE involved? Are we imposing our "American" values and beliefs about what's "best"? How does the conversation go with the birth mother? Any resistance or opposition any experienced? And what about starting out w/ a trial first--like a visitor's visa (may be easier for a child to get, not sure) to test if the child really does like the US, will thrive here, etc? Just some random thoughts that I'm having...honest answers and input would be greatly appreciated.

A and I would love for his girls to come live with us. However, as a mother I KNOW that I would have a hard time letting my kids go to another country that I couldn't even visit. I would probably say no...heck no. So, I understand the hesitation of the girls' mother from that end. What I don't get is that she is okay with us bring the eldest girl...but definitely does not even want to consider the youngest one coming. The youngest could benefit just from having health insurance to have her heart condition treated.

We will see how the conversation goes once A settles in here. But, we have changed positions and are really considering just doing a visitors visa for them since they don't need to work. It will give them the opportunity to spend the summer and some holidays with us...but still go to school in Jamaica.

At one point, I thought it would be better to get their greencards out of the way so that they wouldn't have to try and marry or anything else to get out of Jamaica. I wanted them to be able to have citizenship as soon as they were legally able to take the oath. God knows what's best...and I have to think that no matter what my heart says..maybe this is not the best time for them to come.

There has been nothing but opposition from their mother since I started dating A. It has more to do with her wanting to rekindle their relationship and keep the family together. She also uses the girls to get what she wants for sure. She told him that I am a greencard opportunity...and we won't last.

I don't know the real name for it...but basically they get approved for it to prevent having a "nervous breakdown" due to job related stress. Of course they get labeled for it later, and it becomes virtually impossible for them to get promotions...because that will be one of the interview questions. How do you handle stressful situations or something to that effect.

That's a good point... just remember that everything works together for the good!

Mrs, Palmer, I bet it depends on the mother. If the mother is a person who has a lot of kids and has a new man in her life, she may be relieved to have one less. But I'm sure most mothers aren't like that.

Tonight I got to step out of my comfort zone & go to a networking event. I HATE HATE HATE going to events where you just mingle with people. But the thought of it was way worse than the actual event. I usually skip those, but I had to go tonight cause I was on the program to speak. My speech went VERY well. I spoke about my experience in the mentor program & used an analogy: The company is like a country. We each work in our own city & know what's going on in our city and possibly our state. By participating in programs like the mentoring program, or even the network event tonight, we get to know people that work in other cities. We can start seeing the highways that connect us which lead to us having a better view of the company.

I had two people tell me afterward that they will use that same analogy in their upcoming speeches.

Great job Nat. I hate public speaking...I mean I could fall on the floor and die.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

what's good kimmy?

tell us something juicy and interesting.....these odda ooman ave no excitement..

she bettah tell u seh she finish bacrah papah and done shap

LMAO..yup u know I am..mi deh yahstill tempted to read JAwi's book..

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Bwoy jaws...soooo sorry to hear this...i really pray that it isn't so..do not know too much about LTD. The Lord knows what his plan is..just follow.."and when u see one set of footprint in the sand, it is then that I carried you!!!"

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Question for those of you whose SO/spouses have children: This has come up alot here, and I was just wondering...I see that many of you have plans to have your spouse's/SO's children come to live with you, but how do their mother's REALLY feel? It seems to me that once the SO is up here that it's assumed or automatic that the children will follow, but really are the kids, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or whatever truly ok and comfortable w/ this? I mean I understand the underlying premise, that they will have more opportunities & better way of life (which to me really is relative), but is it really in the best interest of EVERYONE involved? Are we imposing our "American" values and beliefs about what's "best"? How does the conversation go with the birth mother? Any resistance or opposition any experienced? And what about starting out w/ a trial first--like a visitor's visa (may be easier for a child to get, not sure) to test if the child really does like the US, will thrive here, etc? Just some random thoughts that I'm having...honest answers and input would be greatly appreciated.

aunts..uncles..granny..he she and the old lady..DOES NOT MATTER...this is the MOM and DAD..My stepdaughters WANT to be with their daddy..their mother would fly the day their papers come tru...but if she tink mi a go sidung yahso and tun modda goose she ave a next guess coming!! anyway back to topic..lol...some mothers would NEVER send their children no matter what. for my mother it was tough, she couldn't let us go, but knew it was a for a greater good..ghetto no nice fi raise gyal pickney..

Kashi and I talk about it and no doubt I want ALL our children together..they MUST know they are related and live as one..i DO NOT refer to my biological girls as half nothing..they are just sisters. KAshi and his ex speak about it and pretty much he CANNOT live w/o dem..this is the longest he has ever been away from them..

some mothers will be selfish and keep the kids in JA not b/c they want to keep their culture and can't be without their kids BUT for money..kids in JA equals more mone in hand..and what are u gonna do..send it right? even if u think is a lie...

[jawi876 2]

Question for those of you whose SO/spouses have children: This has come up alot here, and I was just wondering...I see that many of you have plans to have your spouse's/SO's children come to live with you, but how do their mother's REALLY feel? It seems to me that once the SO is up here that it's assumed or automatic that the children will follow, but really are the kids, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or whatever truly ok and comfortable w/ this? I mean I understand the underlying premise, that they will have more opportunities & better way of life (which to me really is relative), but is it really in the best interest of EVERYONE involved? Are we imposing our "American" values and beliefs about what's "best"? How does the conversation go with the birth mother? Any resistance or opposition any experienced? And what about starting out w/ a trial first--like a visitor's visa (may be easier for a child to get, not sure) to test if the child really does like the US, will thrive here, etc? Just some random thoughts that I'm having...honest answers and input would be greatly appreciated.

aunts..uncles..granny..he she and the old lady..DOES NOT MATTER...this is the MOM and DAD..My stepdaughters WANT to be with their daddy..their mother would fly the day their papers come tru...but if she tink mi a go sidung yahso and tun modda goose she ave a next guess coming!! anyway back to topic..lol...some mothers would NEVER send their children no matter what. for my mother it was tough, she couldn't let us go, but knew it was a for a greater good..ghetto no nice fi raise gyal pickney..

Kashi and I talk about it and no doubt I want ALL our children together..they MUST know they are related and live as one..i DO NOT refer to my biological girls as half nothing..they are just sisters. KAshi and his ex speak about it and pretty much he CANNOT live w/o dem..this is the longest he has ever been away from them..

some mothers will be selfish and keep the kids in JA not b/c they want to keep their culture and can't be without their kids BUT for money..kids in JA equals more mone in hand..and what are u gonna do..send it right? even if u think is a lie...

Kimmy you and I have talked about this topic a lot. I won't say BM doesn't love my girls...but she definitely knows how to use them to her benefit. I for one could never see my kids go hungry because Daddy didn't have $$ to bring food. He finally got the guts to tell her that she would have to help him take care of them. Like he took care of school uniforms before completely. Now, she is going to pay for the material (not much I know) and he will pay the seamstress to make them. She is now enrolled in a computer course during the day, and he keeps the girls.

I told him that I will give my last to all of our kids...but I will not be pimped either. Just the fact that he told her she would have to find work and help out....took a lot of stress off my shoulders. I kept thinking that we were going to be a pot boiling over if something didn't change by the time he got here. I will be the sole provider until he can find work...but I will not be okay with an able body woman sitting around waiting on my hard earned money...especially with my health condition issues.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

I really don't know how a mother in the position of deciding whether her child goes abroad feels.

But I guess, part of the Jamaican way of life is that mothers and fathers go abroad leaving their children and children go abroad to their mothers or fathers as soon as the parent gains a foothold.

It is an accepted an familiar occurrence. It is also something that is built up as wonderful, as kids we were all envoius of those whose parents filed for them and went abroad.

I think as well, as selfish as I am as a mother, if I realized truly the best thing was for the child to go abroad, that would ease the pain of parting.

My vest friend has been in England for almost 7 years, she hasn't seen her daughter for 4.

I cannot imagine how that feels. But she says she endures for the greater good.

So really, we should take out hats of to the mothers who love their kids dearly (yes I know it's often easier to think they don't love them as much) but make the choice for them to move away for a better life.

On another note...

Obviously I don't know your individual stories, but I do wonder why it seems the MAJORITY of people's SO's baby mothers are depicted as being incompetent/money grabbing monsters. In reality, I find MOST mothers are good mothers. Perhaps not good spouses, but LOVE their kids.

Story I wrote lol...

Some of you may have seen it already...

The Return

My earliest memories of her are faint. She smelt lovely, like oranges, nutmeg and mint all mixed up. She used to sing to me before I went to sleep and she would be there making my tea for me in the morning.

That was before she went ‘a foreign’. Then, I went to live with Aunt Pearl. She hates me Aunt Pearl does. I get a beating for coming in too late, for singing too loudly, for eating out the Milo, for walking too slow when she sends me to the shop…..

I wonder what my mother is like.

In Aunt Pearl’s dim front room beside the cabinet full of fragile plates and crystal glasses that we only use when Pastor Blake comes round, there are framed pictures of a light skinned woman, plump but nicely plump.

I don’t think I remember that face.

She has never called but every month the postman comes by on his bicycle and gives Aunt Pearl a blue and white envelope with foreign stamps on it. Aunt Pearl never tells me what’s in those letters, but she goes to market the day after she gets them, so my mother must send money. I know it’s my mother as once Aunt Pearl was in the bathroom and she tells me harshly to go collect the letter,. I turn it over and my mother’s name is on it. I say nothing to Aunt Pearl, as I don’t want a beating that day, she is not in a good mood, I can see by the way she snatches it from me.

I asked her once, after leaving a few weeks what was in it. Her face went dark as a thundercloud and she reaches for the strap.

“Is what a way dis dutty pickney fass doh?”

“Is nat enough seh mi feed yu an clothes yu outa di kindness a mi heart, but yu waa come fass ina mi business too??”

Later that night as I toss and turn, the places where the belt has bitten into my skin, I wipe the tears off my face.

I dream of the day when my mother will come back for me and take me to her foreign land. Whenever the children at school taunt me saying ‘Yu madda run gaan lef yu”, I reply, “Mi madda soon come fi me.” They laugh, but I hold onto the hope, after all what do I have to look forward to if not that.

Maybe she has left me for good I think. Why does she never send me clothes or toys like the mothers of other girls do?

She must know that I only have one pair of shoes, and those are for school. And only one blouse and skirt which I wash every evening when I come in from school and rise early and press before making Aunt Pearl’s breakfast in the mornings.

Maybe what Aunt Pearl says is true. My mother never wanted me, so when she got the chance to go to foreign, she jumped at it. Aunt Pearl says she was going to leave me on the roadside, but she as a Christian took me in.

That’s why I must be grateful for the things Aunt Pearl buys me. I must be happy that I sleep inside even if it is on an old mattress on the floor. I must be happy as I clean and polish the floor every Saturday and wash Aunt Pearl’s clothes. After all, I am almost a woman at twelve.

Aunt Pearl says my mother will never come back for me. She was just happy someone took me off her hands.

I shut my eyes, I have to sleep I need to be up at 6am to press my uniform and make Aunt Pearl’s breakfast before I go to school. I need to leave for school by 7am even though it doesn’t start until 8am, it is a long way and Aunt Pearl says there is no money for me to take the bus, a little walking never killed no-one.

I wake up. My limbs are stiff and sore, I must put some Vaseline on my skin, it makes it better. I hope Aunt Pearl won’t notice that I took some out, I am only allowed a little when I wash my hair.

I push the cloth hanging at my door aside and I unbolt the back door softly, if I wake Aunt Pearl, I will get a beating when I get in from school. I go into the outside shower and begin to bathe. The icy-cold water hits me and I hold my breath to lessen the shock. I lather my rag with my little piece of carbolic soap, Aunt Pearl says it must last me, she has no money to waste on pickney.

I long dreamily about one day when I will get to bathe in the creamy white bath inside with hot water like Aunt Pearl. But if I had a daughter, I would help her draw the water for the bath, not just let her carry the heavy zinc pan like Aunt Pearl makes me do.

I realise with a start that I have spent too long, I need to hurry if I am going to leave on time, Aunt Pearl is having saltfish, fried dumplings and plantain for breakfast. My mouth waters. Maybe if I’m careful, I can take a little bit for myself, I am tired of the cornmeal porridge that I must eat every morning. If Aunt Pearl realises I have taken any, there will be no school for me today.

I finish the breakfast and go to wake Aunt Pearl.

She lies there like a massive cow, snoring heavily. Her large oily face seeming out of place on her frilly pillow.

“Aunt Pearl, yu breakfass ready.” I say.

She snorts and blearily opens an eye.

“Mi a come. Mek sure seh mi tea dep pan di table an it well hat”.

“Yes, Aunt Pearl”, I say.

I go back to the kitchen to get her coffee. As I stir in the milk, I see a car coming down the road. I look curiously, who could be coming to see someone in our village so early?

The car slows and stops at our gate.

I can’t decide whether to go call Aunt Pearl or wait and see what happens.

A woman in a white dress and white slippers gets out. Her face looks familiar…..

My heart thumps in excitement, it is the woman in the picture, MY MOTHER!!

I drop the cup of tea and unlock the door, ignoring Aunt Pearl’s enraged bellow as she hears the mug shatter.

I run out to the gate, which the woman is trying to open.

“Mama?”, I say.

She looks at me, in my torn dirty nightie that was once Aunt Pearl’s and is hanging off my thin body and looks back at my face horrified.

My heart sinks, and I lower my eyes, Aunt Pearl was right, she doesn’t want me, she never did.

I hang my head down.

I feel her arms around me, squeezing my breath out of my body holding me so tight I can hardly breathe. She holds me close, I feel her warm tears of my neck, she is sobbing.

“My baby, oh my baby”, she says.

She rubs my back, and I flinch where she has touched a fresh bruise.

Slowly she holds me away from her and looks at me, her eyes take in my thinness, the shadows under my eyes.She lifts my nightie, I go to push away her hand but she continues, and gasps as she sees the welts and the scars of welts.

I hear a loud gasp, Aunt Pearl is standing at the door, the hated strap drops from her fingers as she stands rooted to the spot.

My mother turns to her with fire in her eyes.

“How could you do dis to mi pickney?”, she screams.

“Mi lef mi one gyaal pickney wid yu and send money every mont fi har an yu have har ya a beat an a starve like dutty dawg??”

Aunt Pearl says, “Myrna, calm dung, mi wi explain.”

My mother is past calming down. “Yu seh yu is a Christian, LOOK PAN MI PICKNEY!!”

She lifts my nightie and I am embarrassed as my underwear are old and discoloured and a crowd of people have begun to gather.

Aunt Pearl begins to sob loudly, and covers her face with her hands.

My mother is shaking with rage. The driver of the car gets out and calls my mother to come away and leave her to God.

Without a backward glance, my mothers pulls me into the car and begins to sob, covering my face with kisses.

Over the next hours, the story unfolds.

She had been given the opportunity to go abroad and being a single mother with no options available, she had had to go, even though she hated the thought of leaving me behind. She used to lie in her bed at night and cry, missing me and wondering if I remembered her. She religiously sent £100 a month to Aunt Pearl who told her how happy I was and how well I was doing in school.

She had planned this trip as a surprise, to see me and to thank her dear friend Aunt Pearl who was doing such a wonderful job of looking after me, while she was making a better life for us in London.

Things will be different she promises, I am coming back to London with her to live, we will never be parted again, no matter what….She holds me close and I inhale her wonderful smell, she smells like oranges, nutmeg and mint all mixed….She sings to me as she used to….I close my eyes, I am in heaven……..

[justucia 0]

jawi~ if you need me to do anything for ya, you must let me know

i can research, make calls, pray........

hi mr2! you good?

JAEnglish~ going to print out your story and read at work

RE: pickney coming to the states-

BabyMama has seen her pickney maybe 4 times since he was born. (2 1/2 years ago)

NO calls, NO money for food clothes etc, NO visits.......

NOTHING

i dont understand it

with much help from his grandma and sister, D has turned into an amazing father!

BM signed away her parental rights about two months ago,

D felt like she looked "relieved" after signing the papers

[BunzTheMagicSnail 2]

maybe signing away the birth rights was the best thing for the child

i know of cases where efforts to involve the prodigal parent completely backfired on the person

[sus 70]

Morning all!

thank you Sus and Mrs. Palmer. If anyone can find a loop hole it would be you Sus. I don't think I have a choice since Georgia is a right to hire state.

Jawi, I dug abit but didn't find anything so far - I will keep working on it!

On another note...

Obviously I don't know your individual stories, but I do wonder why it seems the MAJORITY of people's SO's baby mothers are depicted as being incompetent/money grabbing monsters. In reality, I find MOST mothers are good mothers. Perhaps not good spouses, but LOVE their kids.

Well, from my point of view - and I haven't met the woman, but JAEng, you have met that beautiful little boy - She walked away from him when he was just an infant, and pretty much has had no contact - she's living her life, hooking and doing drugs - In the past 4-5 years she has seen her son ONCE, which coincidentally was right after the first time her family found out about me - she suddenly reappeared and took him from school without telling ANYONE, and disappeared with him for 3 months - got tired of playing mommy and brought him back. The next contact came one trip when DJ came to pick me up at the airport - he saw her walking and stopped to talk to her - She told him that her son needs a laptop - Being on the other side of the island, how the FOCK would she know what he needed? Until something proves otherwise to me - she's incompetent and a money grabbing monster.

[IrieCat 2]

Good MOrning, Happy Friday!

JaEnglish your story made me cry... and you wrote it so well!

[1luv 1]

JAE!!! What a story!!!!! tears were streaming down my face!!!

[Shemmy 4]

I'm home...dry and clean...getting ready to shimmy.

Finesse - I agree. I stressed myself about Damien's adjustment to the US for nothing. He adjusted well.

Jawi - Now you see why I was so upset about my two co-workers - one hasn't stepped foot in our office in an year and still getting paid. The other one has been out since March still getting paid...not getting charged 1 minutes of annual or sick leave...crazy. Claims they are working from home....whatever.

I saw the other side of it honestly. A lot of my co-workers don't believe there is anything wrong with me...even when they saw the x-rays, the neck brace and all the pills. I was still faking. They even told me that I shouldn't need vacation time since I have been off so long. No heart...no compassion...just assumed that I have been in Jamaica the whole time.

So when you posted that a while back, I thought you were judging your co-workers situation without really knowing what was going on with them. Then, you explained that you knew way more than I thought you knew...so I did get your point then.

The sad thing is that I have co-workers that use disability stress leave every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas and they have NO problems getting the time off...six months at a time EVERY single year....just because they see pink ponies and want to jump across cubes to stab somebody. Now, they are fine all year until they are ready to be off at the end of the year. Abusers like that always seem to get around the system...but honest people that need the time can't get a break. I have had to fight for my benefits from day 1.

But, Satan is a liar and I'm still thankful for my blessings. I am thankful that the disability woman informed me before she approved LTD...she could have just approved it, and let it happen. So I am thankful.

That was my point...the people who are working the system seems to get away with it. Being a HR specialist, your case angers me.

[J2A♥oasis 2]

Morning all!

[NatPatBen 3]

Morning. It's FRIDAY!!

[Shemmy 4]

Great questions Mrs. Palmer I often wondered the same things but don't get involved because we are not in that situation.