advice and help

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Holding on to him to save my heart is what I did by ignoring and forgiving the bad stuff.

I think a lot of us have been guilty of that at some point in our lives. We don't want to think we failed or are a failure, as stupid as that sounds because we didn't fail at anything. Sister, I'am crying for you now, really I'm. I so can relate to your brokenness.

WORD. And the healing process is a long one. But we have to start something, otherwise we become a lesser version of ourselves for real. and that is wrong.

so when I say time to move on, I say it twice and in bold. Reclaim yourself. Life is NOT a dress rehearsal.

[Nagishkaw 510]

[Staashi 371]

Kat - You know what they say...pizz or get off the pot. Only you can make it happen...and that thing about America being grace and peace...ummmmm no...remember this line - "We'll put a boot in your azz. It's the American way." Now, I'm not saying to take Toby Keith's advice on this one, but I will say that you shouldn't bow down and let him walk his f'd up self allover you. After the way he treated you post-partum and post-Rayan's death, he wasn't a husband or a father - he was a glorified sprm donor. You may have felt loved by him at one time, but if you thought you were loved after what you went through, you are derainged...and you have a heck of a lot of us on here who will tell you that with all love and sincerity. I wish I could put on the kid gloves here, but screw it...you don't need kid gloves - you need tough love (as if you haven't had enough of that yet), but I say this because I love you. Yes, you need to be a lady, but there is nothing in this world that says being a lady means allowing yourself to be walked on. I know a lot of smart ladies out there...and they'll tell you that the secret to getting through life is to CYA!

So, if you want him to ruin your life further then let him keep on using you as his dustmat. But if you want to get through this and have a house to still call your own, be smart and don't let him play you.

Just remember my father's very favorite saying - and repeat this as many times as it takes to get through your curly-haired head: "I apologize if I ever gave you the impression I was a person who you could ** with."

[Sandrila 1]

You don't have to make yourself a doormat to be gracious.

You can defend yourself, plan your strategy and make your point effectively without yelling or being revengeful.

All the fighting and back n forth and uncertainty, pain and resentment does get very exhausting.

I admire you for the way you choose to carry yourself

I would say you definitely have exhibited the grace and forgiveness of GOD on this one.

Edited May 26, 2009 by sandrila

[Chica Yeyé 41]

ASIDE NOTE: Staashi's papa just became my icon. 'nuff said

[~Jess~ 0]

Kat, its time to stop making excuses for him

We have all seen--or been told how he is treating you.

You come to us asking for support and advice and when we tell you something you dont want to hear it and you make excuses for him over and over.

Get him out of your house and move on. He isnt worth your time anymore. He has done nothing to deserve your love or support.

[Staashi 371]

ASIDE NOTE: Staashi's papa just became my icon. 'nuff said

Luvz u.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

ASIDE NOTE: Staashi's papa just became my icon. 'nuff said

Luvz u.

luvz u 2 Che

ok, enough lesbian-fest.

[Staashi 371]

ASIDE NOTE: Staashi's papa just became my icon. 'nuff said

Luvz u.

luvz u 2 Che

ok, enough lesbian-fest.

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

ASIDE NOTE: Staashi's papa just became my icon. 'nuff said

Luvz u.

luvz u 2 Che

ok, enough lesbian-fest.

never enough!

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Kat you know I love you sweetie and only want the best for you and your children. I'm so totally frustrated with how he is treating you and my emotions ran away. I'm sorry if I said anything that

was hurtful altho I would love to wish these things. My apologies sweetie.

[SaadBell 0]

First off you are not dealing with a normal human you are dealing with a sociopath. Sociopaths are people without a conscience, they don’t have normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don’t feel affection, they don’t care about others. They are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic feelings of affection and empathy remarkable well.

Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath’s efforts to blend in, and the result is that most sociopaths go undetected. As far as taking the upper hand, REMEMBER HE IS NOT ON THE SAME PAGE AS THE REST OF US, what you perceive as love he sees as a weakness.

Usually they go undetected, they wreak havoc on their family; on people they work with and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. SOCIOPATHS DON’T FEEL GUILTY. They don’t feel sorry for what they’ve done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.

We know in the field that sociopath’s brains function differently than normal people. Their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life redeemable shallow. Yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors. In my field we classify them as antisocial personality disorder. Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience.

If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others.

If you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.

So just keep safe and I would scrap taking the high road, you are not dealing with someone who would know fair and just, you are dealing with a predator.

The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, compare that person to the other people in your life.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he doesn't care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered "yes" to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.

"If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."

What he wants is chilling he wants to win,, take away the love and relationship and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is. A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win.

Sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.

Boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).

And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.

There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe.

Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. It's not your responsibility. You have your own goals and your own life, and those are your responsibility.

Get him out now sweetie, and screw his feelings, because really, he doesn’t have any.

[Aymsgirl 0]

I just want to add that I feel for anybody going through this kind of ordeal. Kat, what one of us does may not work for another. I have no advice but I would tell you that I don't think I could go on like you do everyday with him in your home and you being his cash supplier. Best wishes Kat and I hope that you and your children find some happiness.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I just want to add that I feel for anybody going through this kind of ordeal. Kat, what one of us does may not work for another. I have no advice but I would tell you that I don't think I could go on like you do everyday with him in your home and you being his cash supplier. Best wishes Kat and I hope that you and your children find some happiness.

I contacted an online divorce attorney and I told him he is going to have to call his mom to pay for it. The total cost for the divorce is 709 including court costs. I do not have to attend the hearing. The attorney can hold it in another county since its online ( its 299 for his service with no appearance)

The court filing fees are 409. I am without a shadow of a doubt sure he is meeting up with another woman online (I think she is arabic) He shows absolutely no feelings for me whatsover and just walks by me and I am quietly crying. He said he will apply to adjust his status on his own and does not need me. His mother is in on it too. I was scammed. The only reason he got pissed is he got me pregnant... I have no doubt that this was a scam from day one. I am shattered but the reality is I have to save my house and any potential inheritance and assets and my mom was to the point she was going to cut me out of the will due to him because she was so afraid he would take me on a ride.

He will call his mom tomorrow and his mom will pay for the divorce. My mom said absolutely she will not pay one dime towards anything for him anymore. I am so shattered...losing my son. Wanna a big laugh? Today is one year from the day he arrived. I usually ask myself what did the girl do for the guy to do this and that. The reality here is I have the receipts to prove I paid big for this , bankrolled his status and got screwed.

Believe it or not, I will write a very nice letter to immigration with supporting statements from my friends and family and my son even saying that we all did the best we could to help him and that he did not work the entire time he was here and to please understand that although I bear no malice, I do not feel he married me with good intentions. I will be very kind to him but as lifts conditions or applies for citizenship, maybe it will take an extra month or two. I was nothing but a boat

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I just want to add that I feel for anybody going through this kind of ordeal. Kat, what one of us does may not work for another. I have no advice but I would tell you that I don't think I could go on like you do everyday with him in your home and you being his cash supplier. Best wishes Kat and I hope that you and your children find some happiness.

I contacted an online divorce attorney and I told him he is going to have to call his mom to pay for it. The total cost for the divorce is 709 including court costs. I do not have to attend the hearing. The attorney can hold it in another county since its online ( its 299 for his service with no appearance)

The court filing fees are 409. I am without a shadow of a doubt sure he is meeting up with another woman online (I think she is arabic) He shows absolutely no feelings for me whatsover and just walks by me and I am quietly crying. He said he will apply to adjust his status on his own and does not need me. His mother is in on it too. I was scammed. The only reason he got pissed is he got me pregnant... I have no doubt that this was a scam from day one. I am shattered but the reality is I have to save my house and any potential inheritance and assets and my mom was to the point she was going to cut me out of the will due to him because she was so afraid he would take me on a ride.

He will call his mom tomorrow and his mom will pay for the divorce. My mom said absolutely she will not pay one dime towards anything for him anymore. I am so shattered...losing my son. Wanna a big laugh? Today is one year from the day he arrived. I usually ask myself what did the girl do for the guy to do this and that. The reality here is I have the receipts to prove I paid big for this , bankrolled his status and got screwed.

Believe it or not, I will write a very nice letter to immigration with supporting statements from my friends and family and my son even saying that we all did the best we could to help him and that he did not work the entire time he was here and to please understand that although I bear no malice, I do not feel he married me with good intentions. I will be very kind to him but as lifts conditions or applies for citizenship, maybe it will take an extra month or two. I was nothing but a boat

Im not writing anything.. I am just lashing out... I am sorry guys... Im just so hurt right now