Frustration towards marriage -- any help, opinions, relief?

[Sam and Ben 2]

Let me apologize first for the mild rant I'm about to embark on...

I felt so wrong in feeling this way -- that I was all alone in this process -- and reading through some of these posts made me feel so relieved in seeing that there are others out there feeling this way too (as is the joy of VJ in the first place).

I worked tirelessly on our I-129F package (I'm the beneficiary), as I do general bookkeeping for work, etc, and I'm altogether handier when it comes to paperwork. Heck, I spent half of my two week vacation down to see him working on organizing everything! That wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but he was helpful enough in helping me get together his half of the evidence, his receipts, etc. Still, a lot of work on my end.

And please don't get me wrong, I don't mind ANY of it.

But I think he takes my cavalier attitude towards where I live and the only mild obligations I have here for granted. I don't think he fully understands that I am still picking up and moving my entire life from the only place I've ever known. There is no doubt that I want to marry him -- commitment, plans, the whole nine yards -- and there is no one else on this earth I would consider doing anything of this for.

Yet a couple of days ago, vaguely related to whatever discussion we were having at the time, he drops a comment that has stuck with me since then: "I wish they wouldn't force us to marry right away, it'd be nice to get to know each other in the sense of living together and working toward something without all of that first..."

I'm a wee bit sensitive because of the loose ends I've been tying up and the work I'm trying to close at my company so that they won't be left stranded when I'm gone... it's a lot to take on. But I realize I might be a WEE bit touchy on the subject. However, when pressed a bit, he basically explained that though marriage is definitely an end target for me and him, it's not something he ever would've considered right now if not for our circumstances.

I obviously feel quite different... I would've looked to marriage and starting our life together in this way even if we lived two doors down... so I guess I'm a little startled by this. He told me not to mistake him.. he did WANT to marry me... just that things weren't necessarily going in the order he chose.

Someone please tell me... am I just extremely paranoid? I never thought of this as a "yeah, so, we want to be together, so this is the way to make it happen..." I even offered to him at the time of this discussion that we could pull the petition and just go about visiting until he felt he was ready... to which he just got upset and told me that he of course didn't want that.

On top of all of that, he's looking at the 90 days as too short, whereas I was hoping to get married almost immediately, so that we could get on processing my ap/ead/aos, etc. The wedding has never been something I cared about anyhow, so it's not like we need a ton of time to plan for 15 or so people...

I'm quite lost as to how to process this in my mind, I guess, and would welcome any sort of insight into this.

[trailmix 77]

Hi,

This is just the way it sounds to me - honestly.

It doesn't sound to me like he is trying to back out or is less than committed. It just seems like he would have liked things to take a more 'normal' course. Maybe dating for 6 months, living together for a year, getting engaged and taking - however long you wanted to take - to plan and have a wedding.

In some ways the whole fiance(e) visa is weird. Umm yeah we don't even live in the same country - so never got to do all those 'normal' things - but now we have to put in an application for you to come and live here and we have to rush to the altar in 90 days.

Truly - there is nothing 'normal' about that

Plus - he says 'they' - 'they' are rushing all this along - I think that's a natural reaction to basically being told by USCIS during what 3 month period you must be married - which is also not normal!

Anyway, that's just my take on it.

Edited May 20, 2009 by trailmix

[JillA 2]

I don't think you're being paranoid at all...

If my fiancee had said to me "I wish they wouldn't force us to marry right away, it'd be nice to get to know each other in the sense of living together and working toward something without all of that first..." it would raise a red flag...

The word "force" and "marriage" should not be used in the same sentence, and he should not feel he is being forced... yes the 90 day window can be slightly inconvenient, but it shouldn't be seen as a way to live together, get to know your SO, and if it doesn't work out, go home.... This is a serious and life changing commitment, not to be taken lightly!

If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, whether or not you've lived together shouldn't matter. After all, not everyone lives together before marriage. Of course, you have to get used to your SO's annoying habits and all that, but it shouldn't be a deal breaker.

Maybe his comment was off the cuff, but if it were me, I'd sit down and have a serious conversation about this.... is he REALLY ready?

[Sam and Ben 2]

Hi,

This is just the way it sounds to me - honestly.

It doesn't sound to me like he is trying to back out or is less than committed. It just seems like he would have liked things to take a more 'normal' course. Maybe dating for 6 months, living together for a year, getting engaged and taking - however long you wanted to take - to plan and have a wedding.

In some ways the whole fiance(e) visa is kind of cart before the horse. Umm yeah we don't even live in the same country - so never got to do all those 'normal' things - but now we have to put in an application for you to come and live her and we have to rush to the altar in 90 days.

Truly - there is nothing 'normal' about that

Plus - he says 'they' - 'they' are rushing all this along - I think that's a natural reaction to basically being told by USCIS during what 3 month period you must be married - which is also not normal!

Anyway, that's just my take on it.

That is 100% how he explained it.

And on one hand, I 100% understand and believe it. And on the other, I'm just hurt and confused over it.

[trailmix 77]

Hi,

This is just the way it sounds to me - honestly.

It doesn't sound to me like he is trying to back out or is less than committed. It just seems like he would have liked things to take a more 'normal' course. Maybe dating for 6 months, living together for a year, getting engaged and taking - however long you wanted to take - to plan and have a wedding.

In some ways the whole fiance(e) visa is kind of cart before the horse. Umm yeah we don't even live in the same country - so never got to do all those 'normal' things - but now we have to put in an application for you to come and live her and we have to rush to the altar in 90 days.

Truly - there is nothing 'normal' about that

Plus - he says 'they' - 'they' are rushing all this along - I think that's a natural reaction to basically being told by USCIS during what 3 month period you must be married - which is also not normal!

Anyway, that's just my take on it.

That is 100% how he explained it.

And on one hand, I 100% understand and believe it. And on the other, I'm just hurt and confused over it.

I can see how you would be - I would be too - however. Guys say stuff sometimes that is not meant the way we take it

Plus - you are in a very vunerable position, you are getting ready to move to another country shortly, to marry this guy and you would rather have had him say 'honey, I don't care if they will only let us have 2 days to get married - I would marry you yesterday if that were possible'.

However! He is just being honest - but (as I see it) not in a hurtful 'let's slow this relationship down' way. I think he was speaking in more of a 'we are in this thing together' way - with 'they' being the pushy government types determining the timeline in which you do everything.

[Sam and Ben 2]

I can see how you would be - I would be too - however. Guys say stuff sometimes that is not meant the way we take it

Plus - you are in a very vunerable position, you are getting ready to move to another country shortly, to marry this guy and you would rather have had him say 'honey, I don't care if they will only let us have 2 days to get married - I would marry you yesterday if that were possible'.

However! He is just being honest - but (as I see it) not in a hurtful 'let's slow this relationship down' way. I think he was speaking in more of a 'we are in this thing together' way - with 'they' being the pushy government types determining the timeline in which you do everything.

You are likely extremely right. And I definitely would've rather heard him say that he'd marry me this instant if possible... though I should be thanking the heavens that he's comfortable enough being open and honest with me.

Something I should repair, as, due to my hurt over the comment, I wouldn't want him to steer from being honest about such things in the future...

Oi. This whole process has us all messed up -- with only distant visits for comfort!

[nowhereman 1]

I learned (the hard way in a previous marriage) that small problems are magnified once you marry, so think very carefully before you leap into marriage. If he feels "forced" into marriage too soon he may resent you for it... perhaps not knowingly & not for any valid reason, but he might. Have a long talk with him about this & find out what he's really thinking.

We do things all the time that we don't want to do, but have to do. Marriage SHOULD NOT be in this category.

[Sam and Ben 2]

I learned (the hard way in a previous marriage) that small problems are magnified once you marry, so think very carefully before you leap into marriage. If he feels "forced" into marriage too soon he may resent you for it... perhaps not knowingly & not for any valid reason, but he might. Have a long talk with him about this & find out what he's really thinking.

We do things all the time that we don't want to do, but have to do. Marriage SHOULD NOT be in this category.

I agree... completely. And the last thing I want is to move to another country and face the fact of having to come back, on top of whatever hurt and emotional distress that would cause (as that will only be amplified in our unusual circumstances).

He assured me this wasn't the case... But I worry that deep down this is the issue. And whether or not, as trailmix said, he was just being honest with his frustration over the process itself, and our inability to face things in their 'normal' progression... I should definitely have a talk with him and figure out where his head is at.

Edited May 20, 2009 by Sam and Ben

[SomberCat 0]

I hear what JillA said, but I tend to agree with Trailmix. In our situation, we chose to get married instead of do the fiance visa, but we both still felt somewhat like your SO. We both knew we wanted to get married, we both knew we loved each other and we both knew there was no one in the world we'd rather be with for the rest of our lives. But somehow it just felt strange because we didn't feel like we got to do it OUR way.

In a perfect world, we would have dated for a long time (did for two years long distance anyway), lived together for a year or so and then got married. But since that wasn't possible, we felt "forced" to do what we did. I put "forced" in quotes as that's a little too strong, but you know what I mean. We obviously would never have done it if we didn't want to, but we just would have handled it differently if we could have.

In our situation, we were both on the same page and spent hours and hours one night talking about it. It was nice to know that even though neither of us had a doubt about getting married, we both felt the same way about the immigration process. When I read your post, what you said about your SO sounded JUST like everything we said. It's possible he shouldn't have said it in exactly the way he did, but on a humorous yet true note, guys aren't the best with words and expressing themselves. I really do think all he was saying is that he's looking forward to a long, happy life with you, he just wishes it could have happened more "naturally". Talk to him and clear that up and you'll definitely feel better.

[trailmix 77]

I learned (the hard way in a previous marriage) that small problems are magnified once you marry, so think very carefully before you leap into marriage. If he feels "forced" into marriage too soon he may resent you for it... perhaps not knowingly & not for any valid reason, but he might. Have a long talk with him about this & find out what he's really thinking.

We do things all the time that we don't want to do, but have to do. Marriage SHOULD NOT be in this category.

I agree... completely. And the last thing I want is to move to another country and face the fact of having to come back, on top of whatever hurt and emotional distress that would cause (as that will only be amplified in our unusual circumstances).

He assured me this wasn't the case... But I worry that deep down this is the issue. And whether or not, as trailmix said, he was just being honest with his frustration over the process itself, and our inability to face things in their 'normal' progression... I should definitely have a talk with him and figure out where his head is at.

You really have to talk this out, as you have mentioned, to make yourself feel better.

If USCIS said to you tomorrow, hey you know, you two are such a cute couple - just come on over - forget the visa process, you can just come on down and do things as you see fit.

You might just want to move in with him, plan your wedding over 2 years, maybe go backpack around Europe and then get married. Does that mean you don't want to marry him - no it doesn't - it just means that you could do stuff in your own sweet time and to your timetable.

The other thing is - this is why people describe a long distance relationship as 'hard'. If you were both in the same city you would likely have had that conversation over dinner or in your living room. You would have been able to see his face and you two would have sat there for hours, if need be, to make sure you were comfortable with what he was saying.

[Sparky&Me 0]

Based on what you’ve said, I also tend to agree with trailmix. I love my fiancé more then I can even describe and I’d marry him tomorrow without a second thought -but - I hate that we’re “forced” to get married. I understand that immigration laws are in place for a reason and that this is what happens when you fall in love with somebody from a different country, but I don’t like being in our situation nonetheless. For me I think it’s more of a control issue. There’s just something about the idea of other people having so much power over our future that doesn’t sit well.

You are the only person who can decide if he is being honest with you about his feelings or not. I think that it comes down to a matter of trust, either you trust his explanation or you don’t. I do think it’s important for you two to talk about it again until you can come to an understanding that you are both satisfied with. It’s important that you can communicate well, you should never be second guessing each other.

Best of luck on your visa process!

[nowhereman 1]

He assured me this wasn't the case... But I worry that deep down this is the issue. And whether or not, as trailmix said, he was just being honest with his frustration over the process itself, and our inability to face things in their 'normal' progression... I should definitely have a talk with him and figure out where his head is at.

The process sucks & I was mad as hell at USCIS for what they put my fiancee & I through, but I always saw it as us vs. them. Its impossible for me to judge whether or not his feelings stem purely from frustration or perhaps other factors are involved.

[DeadPoolX 9]

I agree with Trailmix and SomberCat.

I don't believe he's attempting to back out or that he has second thoughts. However, it's a fact that immigration can -- and often does -- place some unusual strains and time tables upon us. In a perfect world, we could take our time (like anyone would within their own country), but given the reality of visas, it's simply not possible.

It sounds like he wants to be with you, but if the situation had permitted it, he would have preferred dating and living together first. There's nothing wrong with that. I think he'd make it known if he wanted to call the whole thing off. Doing this isn't easy -- it takes work, time and money. He'd only go through with it if he wanted to be with you.

Both my wife and I would have preferred delaying our marriage so we could simply date. Doing so over a week or two here and there is not representative of "normal dating." You see your SO during a vacation time period -- not when he or she is stressed, working, sick or whatever. When you're together for one or two weeks every so often, you're doing fun things without the worry and hassle of real life issues.

Having said that, my wife and I know we wanted to get married and be with each other. Sacrifices were made, but it's proven worth it.

[jundp 191]

I hear what JillA said, but I tend to agree with Trailmix. In our situation, we chose to get married instead of do the fiance visa, but we both still felt somewhat like your SO. We both knew we wanted to get married, we both knew we loved each other and we both knew there was no one in the world we'd rather be with for the rest of our lives. But somehow it just felt strange because we didn't feel like we got to do it OUR way.

Great way to put it. It doesn't sound like your fiance wants to back out, but that he's miffed at the system. He may not be articulating himself very well, as is the way with men sometimes (and women too! I'm not bashing!).

My husband felt the same way, yet now that we've been married almost a year, he tells me repeatedly how happy he is to be married to me. It's just the 'rush' that is the killer.

Good luck!

[amberL 0]

I would suggest you read this short article, http://marsvenusliving.com/2009/03/07/cold-feet/#more-1685 there is a blurb about the 5 stages of dating that is prolly applicable to you. I totally agree with jundp, and try and not to take it too personal, your fiance is just being a man, and well they sometimes arent the best at expressing their feelings to women, and these thoughts are likely a passing phase.